MAJOR Wedding Party Dilemmas!!

Starry9281

We have already decided to have a small wedding party, just a best man and MOH, no flower girl or ring bearer.  Our only option for FG and RB would be my future SIL's kids and they are not well behaved children so that solves that problem.  Now on to the bigger problems....

1. Best Man Problem:

My fiance picked his best man, his best friend from high school and I 100% support his decision.  I think he is a great choice and is the guy my guy is closest to.  However, my mother HATES this guy.  Literally.  She can't stand him for completely illogical reasons that I won't go into here but needless to say, here lies my problem.  Do I tell her who his BM is ahead of time and risk her saying she won't pay for the wedding or do I let it just play out and hope that she doesn't freak when she finds out and hope that when she does, it's after everything is paid for?

2.  MOH Problem:

My fiance and I have been together for so long that we really are each other's best friend.  We hang out with other people but we usually prefer to do things together.  On top of that, I have always had more guy friends than girl friends.  So now I find myself wondering who in the world am I going to pick for my MOH?  My only thought is to ask a girl that I met through a mutual guy friend (a pretty close friend).  Since she lives in a different state, we usually hang out once or twice a year when she comes down for vacation.  We never run out of things to talk about and have a lot of the same interests.  I hadn't really approached the subject with her except to say that I thought I was going to have a hard time choosing a MOH, to which she replied "I'd love to do it but since I live so far away, I wouldn't be able to help you or put in the time necessary but I will definitely come to the wedding!"  I don't want or need a bridal shower or bachelorette party so the role of my MOH would be minimal anyway...show up in a dress, look pretty and have a good time.

I don't know what to do in either of these situations (and no, I don't want a man of honor LOL) so any help would be appreciated!!  

xoxob

1. I find the idea of you lying to your mother in order to ensure that she pays for the wedding manipulative. I can't really offer you any advice on that except: honesty is always best. Why would want to hide something from your mother, essentially just for money and then risk her feeling hurt, betrayed and duped? That just sounds awful and I can't even believe that you would put dollars before your mother's feelings.

I'm not saying that her reasons for not liking this man aren't illogical, but your reasons for wanting to keep your FI's choice from her are efffffed up.

2. The minimal MOH role you described is the only role a MOH is required to play. You should pick the person who is closest to you and shouldn't base that decision on availability, gender or willingness to help you.

JennaV26

I agree with xoxob. I'd definitely tell your mother before she has time to get upset that you hid who the BM is from her. I'm not quite sure I understand why she would refuse to pay for the wedding because of this one person, but I also don't know the whole situation.

I think it sounds like you should pick that girl to be your MOH. Since she seems to be the only person you would want as your MOH you should go for it! And she said she'd love to so you already know she'll accept!

salt78

I agree with the reasonable canned Knot responses that have already been posted. 

What no one has addressed is that if she actually does this to you, then she is being just as manipulative as you would be if you kept it a secret from her. I was in a similar situation. My mother told me she would not pay because of someone that was in the bridal party. I told her that was fine and we would cover the cost.

It sounds like you need to have a real heart to heart with her about it. Holding the purse strings allows her to make many calls, but I really think it's HIGHLY unreasonable for her to be able to pick your bridal party just because she's paying. I hope you are just thinking worse case scenario here and this doesn't happen.

As far as the MOH is concerned, you don't HAVE to have one. Think about what you want your wedding pictures to look like. If the girl is not someone you feel like looking at years down the road, don't even bother asking her. 

Starry9281

It's not that I would hide it from my mother, more that I wouldn't tell her unless she flat out asked.  I know that sounds horrible but we're at a point where we've invited a lot of people and it would be embarrassing to have to say "sorry, we're going to vegas instead because my mom won't pay for it anymore".  LOL  

I am an only child of a single parent and unless you're in the same situation you can't really understand what it can be like.  My mother has already been uncooperative to the point of saying how many people from his family we can invite so she won't feel "outnumbered".  She has always been controlling to the point of me moving 1000 miles away.  I love her and she thinks her heart is in the right place but I don't want my entire wedding ruined because she doesn't like this one person. 

The BM and my fiance are filmmakers and once made a short film that had a tasteful sex scene in it.  She saw it and completely overreacted, saying it was porn.  She's always been conservative and religious so that's part of the problem.  For a while she was against my fiance until she "decided" that this guy was responsible for the scene in the movie, not my fiance and decided to hate him instead.

I will not lie to her if she asks, but why should I offer the info if it could ruin my entire wedding??  I'm not being argumentative, I honestly would like an answer to that question.

salt78

I hate to say this, but if you knew it would come to this, I would have considered eloping or having a much more scaled down event that you could afford. I never would have felt comfortable relying on someone else to fork over money that way. Situations change. 

xoxob

It sounds like you have larger mother issues than just this and you need to address it with her.

trix1223

Be honest and up front with your mom.  You know it will p!ss her off.  It will p!ss her off if you tell her now, and it will p!ss her off more if you wait.  Give her time to get used to the idea. 

And if she'll pull the funding, then either postpone the wedding until you can afford to pay for your own wedding, or scale it back to what you can afford.

As for the MOH:  if your best friends are guys, why not have a male Honor Attendant?  WPs are not about gender, they're about friends.

aerinpegadrak

Agreed with the others: better for her to pull the funding now while you can still make alternate plans than to pull it further down the line when you're locked into contracts and a guest list.  It was rather embarrassing to have to totally change our wedding plans and scale it down from 175 to 40, but we got over that in about a week, and we still had a hell of a wedding (and enjoyed it a lot more knowing that we could comfortably afford everything, including a kickass honeymoon).

You're basically being put in a position where you might have to choose between supporting your future husband (by backing his decision of best man) or your mother (by allowing her money to dictate your wedding plans).  It's not an enviable position, BUT he should always come first.  You're not sending a very good message to the man who's supposed to be your partner in life if you indicate that your mother's money is more important than letting his best friend stand beside him on his wedding day.

banana468

I think Salt in particular gave great advice.   Lying to your mom (by omission) isn't the way to make this work.  Be honest and have a heart to heart with her.

As for a MOH, if she's who you would like, be honest and ask.