FMIL

mandi921vh

So in a PP I talked about how my FMIL has assumed her daughter (my FSIL) will be a BM for the last year or so, and we JUST got engaged about two weeks ago. 

Well over the weekend my FI went to his hometown to visit with his family (I couldn't go because I have grad school on the weekends). His mother again started talking about how his sister would love to be a BM and how it is only right she should be one. My FI told his mother that we are just enjoying being engaged and have made zero final plans about anything (the date is just around the time we would like to get married). She then said along the lines that she  assumed that my FI brother would be a GM and my sister would be a BM, to which my FI said that is a possibility but nothing is finalized. She then said well is Jack (my brother) going to be a GM because if he is then FSIL should be a BM because it is only fair. She then proceeded to say that she thinks it is only right to include current siblings and new siblings in law to be in the BP because it is the joining of our two families.

I was completely confused by this comment because I was under the impression that the BP was the bride and grooms closest friends/family whereas the wedding itself was the joining of the two families....

She then said that if FSIL and her BF were to get married FSIL would make her BF/FH have her brothers be GM because it is the right thing to do. My FI tried to explain to his mother that FSIL cannot decide the GM in her wedding and that it just didn't work like that. She didn't understand....

I just thought that I would share this interesting FMIL story and wondered if anyone was having similar experiences....

bablingbrooke

In some families it's nothing short of heresy to not include siblings.  If it's going to be an issue after the wedding, it might be best to suck it up and ask them.  One more person on each side won't be a huge burden.  I say this as someone who not only *had* to have her ne'er-do-well sister in the wedding, but also *had* to make her MOH.  We aren't close, but I don't regret that she was there.  

mbcdefg

Ditto PP ... I know my mother would've torn me a new assh0le if I didn't include my brother and sister in our wedding. Luckily the three of us get along well, and MH was happy to include them, so it wasn't an issue. (And honestly, if I had multiple children and they were not invited to be in each other's weddings, I would be hurt and disappointed. Not to the point of making a scene about it, but still.)

But, yeah, your FMIL sounds like a pain. Just keep up with the "We're not maknig any decisions yet" statement, and lather, rinse, repeat. Or just start ignoring it if she won't take the hint (FMIL: "So when are you going to ask FSIL to be in your wedding party?" You and FI: "Did you see that new movie Inception? What did you think?").

I agree that the wedding party is up to you and your FI. If you don't want the siblings in it, then don't invite them. It's not up to your FMIL.

However, I also feel that if it'll prevent World War III in your families, it's probably best to just ask the siblings to be bridesmaids/groomsmen, and if you can't stand them then don't talk to them outside of getting their dresses and tuxes.

Licia&Wayne

Yup, I've heard all of this before. We also have all of my siblings, my fiance's siblings and various siblings' spouses in our wedding party.

It would have caused way too much drama to not have them, so we caved. My mom does openly accept blame for the sibling-laden WP, though. When a family friend asked how many attendants we were having, my mom spoke up and said, "Too many, and it's my fault."

So, at least I have that to ease my grumblings. It sounds like your FMIL is all kinds of overbearing about it. Who doesn't just take, "We haven't decided anything yet," as a suitable answer? She needs to relax.

mandi921vh

Yes, FMIL is overbearing and relentless, she doesn't listen, it's frustrating. I am completely dreading our next get-together because she will bombard FI and I with millions of questions about the wedding and clearly the phrase "we are just enjoying being engaged right now and have nothing wedding related planned yet" will not work, and next month FI and I are planning a dinner with us and our parents and I really don't want it to be all wedding talk, I really just want to enjoy being engaged for now.

bablingbrooke

Try changing the subject (aka "bean dip"): "FMIL, we haven't thought that far ahead yet.  Hey, have you tried the bean dip?"  "So did anyone else see 'Inception'?"  If she has any grandkids, that's the bean dip jackpot

aerinpegadrak

With siblings, it's best to take the path of least long-term drama.  Think about it: his sister is going to be at the wedding and RD anyway.  She'll be in lots of pictures.  Is it really THAT much more to ask her to wear a certain dress and hold some flowers at the altar?  And remember that you don't have to have each other's siblings; your brother can be a bridesman and his sister can be a groomswoman.  I think that makes more sense anyway.

You should just continue to deflect the line of questioning for now.  But yeah, I think you should probably have both siblings in the wedding, if only so you don't have to hear about it every Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthday for as long as you both shall live.

aerinpegadrak

And if she's that tactless, I think it's fine to be perfectly blunt.  (Though it's best if your FI is the one to do it.)  "Mom, we're not talking about that yet.  You continuing to ask isn't going to change that.  You're just being annoying, and if you keep this up we're going to start avoiding you.  We'll worry about that closer to the wedding."

trix1223

In my family, it's pretty much expected that siblings will be in the WP.  But not every family is like that.  Only you can decide how much fall out there will be in your WP choice, and then act accordingly.

Also, I've written this before, but I completely disagree with the premise that a wedding is joining two FAMILIES together.  It's joining two consenting adults together.  And the bride becomes part of the groom's family, and the groom becomes part of the bride's family.  But that's really as far as it goes, IMO.

My BIL is part of our family.  But I have no connection with his sisters, other than that they're my BIL's sisters.  And I'm sure to them, I'm their SIL's sister.  We've seen each other exactly twice:  30 years ago this week when my sister and BIL were married.  And then 29 years later when our niece was married. 

Yes, they're her aunts.  And I'm her aunt.  But we're two different families.  Right?

rknox88

My mom was the same way. She demanded my sister, who I am not close with (she is 7 years older) be in my wedding pary because I was in her's when I was 12.  First of all, I don't remember sh*t from that wedding and it lasted all of two years.  I love my sister and both her children are in the wedding party (FG and junior groomsman) however, I just have friends I am closer with.  My mom basically fell to the ground and kicked and screamed about it so now my sister is my personal attendant. She couldn't care less-it meant a lot to her that her kids are in the wedding, she was happy to be a guest and just support me on the special day. 

MairePoppy

In my extended family, the siblings have always been included in the wedding party. To exclude someone would be a public slight. And there would be hurt feelings.  Maybe, this is how your fi's mother looks at it.

Nevertheless, your FMIL is wrong to harp on this. The decision is yours and fis.

Beachy730

I was in a similar situation but it was from my mom about my brother.  I had never heard of or ever even thought of mixed gender wedding parties until coming on here, and it was well after we had asked our WP, and too late to add anyone.  H and my brother had only met twice when we had got engaged.  They got along great, but lived in different cities.  When we picked our sides, (and I fully admit we were guilty of having even sides, a mistake I regret now, but again it was too late to change it) we each had 5 people, and H has 2 brothers and 3 friends he asked.  So there was no way I was going to say you have to take out one of your good friends to put my brother in.  My mom fought it horribly, made me cry about it, threw a fit, and I ended up having to get my dad to get her off my back about it.  She was fine once she got over it, and my brother was totally fine with it, apparently he never thought he would be in it.  We had him walk my mom into the church, roll out the aisle runner, and he did a reading. 

I also took crap from my mom about not having certain cousins in the wedding, but I wouldn't budge on it.  I had a fabulous WP, and wouldn't have traded it for the world.  I refused to have someone in it just to save some face in the future.  Again, she got over it. 

You definitely have plenty of time before you make a decision.  Another way you can get her off your back is to say that its not proper to ask your WP until a year out at the earliest, so you aren't even thinking about it who would be in it until closer.  What kind of person is she?  Does she hold grudges?  Is she the type of person that will hold it against you for years for something like that?  (we have them in my family).  If she is, then as much as it sucks I would probably bite the bullet and ask your FSIL.  It's not worth the drama for years to come.  Especially if you are going to be close with them and see them a lot.  But also as a PP gave the example of, you don't want a huge WP just for that.  Have the WP you and your FI want, and if that includes them, great.  If not, include them in the wedding some other way.  I can 100% tell you that my brother was so much happier hanging out with my family in between and during the wedding than doing WP pictures and what not. 

mandi921vh

Trix after reading your post I realized you are completely right, a wedding is not about the families coming together as one, it is about the bride and groom coming together and creating a new family.

Historically in both mine and my FI's family's WPs no future siblings were included. Although I was a BM in my sister's wedding, my sisters FSIL's were not BMs (no one thought it was wrong, however my aunt thought that our cousin should have been a BM). If my brother and his GF got married it would be weird (to me) if she asked me to be a BM because we are not that close, same would be if FSIL asked me to be in her wedding. My FI and I already have four people each (including my sister, and his brother) in mind for our BP (however we are not asking for another year) and we think that anymore than four would be too many. 

dnbeach I don't think FMIL holds grudges, if she was upset about it she would probably talk about me behind my back to her friends which doesn't bother me at all, I know for a fact she already does this. She would never say anything to my face about it, but if she said anything to my FI he would put her in her place, luckily he is wonderful about dealing with his overbearing mother :-)

bablingbrook she doesn't have any grandkids yet... she is already freaking out about how me and my FI's children will not know her because we will be living so far away from her (closer to my family, because we want to live near family and FI's family lives in an area where there are zero jobs for either of us). She sees the relationship my sister's son has with my mother (she is babysits him while my sister works) and she is seriously going crazy over this too. Oh and FI and I are about three to four years away from having kids, she needs a chill pill.

I've come to realize people have wayy to many opinions about weddings and all that entails.

Beachy730

You are definitely in the clear to have whoever you want then.  Especially if you won't be living anywhere near her, you don't have to deal with her about it after.  She is more likely to be bitter about you not living there than who was in your WP.  Since you said your FI is really good about sticking up for you and putting her in her place, I wouldn't really worry about making comprimises for her unless you want to.  If she does continue to carry on about it over time, your FI can say something like "we really don't want to spend the limited time we have with you discussing what we should have done or what we did wrong." 

chiwawa

I think you should do your best to try to pick whoever you would have picked had your FMIL not said anything about it.  If you really like his sister and would have picked her anyway, great.  If you don't know her very well or like her much and wouldn't have asked her, then there's no rule that you have to have her. 

FI's sister is one of my bridesmaids, and my brother is one of FI's groomsmen, but that's because we each only have one sibling and we get along with them well.  If FI didn't know or like my brother too well, I wouldn't make him feel like he had to ask him to be a groomsman.  If I didn't like his sister, I might try to find something else for her to do if it was important to FI, but I wouldn't ask her to be my bridesmaid. 

I agree that your best course of action with your FMIL is to have your FI be direct with her about the fact that you aren't making those kinds of plans yet.  He might also throw in (nicely) that your BM's are your choice and not anyone else's.  Good luck!

mandi921vh

Ahh need more advice.... FMIL will not stop hounding FI about wedding planning and how she think FSIL should be a BM when he repeatedly tells her we are not making any decisions yet and that we want to enjoy being engaged for a little while before we jump into wedding planning, and we are not making WP decisions for another year. She does not listen!! She asks him almost everyday or at least 3-4 times a week about wedding related stuff, and will not stop talking about FSIL being a BM, how do we get her to back off?!?! 

Help.

banana468

He needs to keep changing the subject.

OR, he needs to flat out say, "Mom, you can keep asking but that won't make our plan change suddenly."

bablingbrooke

FI needs to say, "Mom, I appreciate that you're excited about the wedding and want FSIL in it, but mandi and I aren't making those decisions yet.  I need you to back off for awhile because you're making us feel pressured to do something we haven't even thought about yet.  If you don't stop, we're going to have to leave/ask you to leave/hang up the phone."

FI needs to set up boundaries, stat!  My DH set some up years before he met me and they were invaluable during the wedding planning process/marriage.  His brother didn't do the same and wasn't so lucky when he got married.