Please HELP me....

jbenti

My fiances step sister who lives out of the country assumed that she was going to be in the wedding. Once we heard of this my fiance asked her to be in the wedding and notified her how expensive it is to be in a wedding.(He did not want her feelings to be hurt) I personally have been in 3 and it has cost me over $1000 each time. Between the shower, dress, shoes, hair, nails, and jewelry. Now she is telling him "since she is not attending the shower (due to being out of the country) she is not contributing toward it. What do I do???? The only reason I even know of anything is b/c she speaks only Spanish so my MOH can not communicate with her. I don't want the rest of the bridal party to be upset that she is not contributing.

hisalwaysandforever

In my opinion, it is very understandable for her not to contribute to the shower if she is not going. And $1000?! Why so much?? I know it can be cheaper & easier on the wallet to be in a wedding. I would never be able to afford $1000 as a bridesmaid in a wedding unless I had way ample time to prepare for the expense. Also, since she lives out of the country, she will have to pay to travel to any of your events and travelling is not cheap. She can only afford so much. You should be more understanding in this situation.

jbenti

The whole reason we didn't include her was because we knew it would be too much for her. She assumed she would be in it. The bridal party had a year and 1/2 notice. I also told everyone I know how expensive it could be and I understood if it was too much for anyone.

Why it cost me $1000+
*The shower + bridal shower gift was $300 for all of the weddings I was in.
*The dress was $200-$250
*Hair $75 (she doesnt have to do)
*Nails/Pedicure $80 (she doesnt have to do)
*Makeup $75 (she doesn't have to do)
*Shoes $60
*The wedding gift I choose to give was $300 from my fiance and I

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_please-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a6508609-db2d-46d1-a1d5-1c35061bce5aPost:d43cd76a-eeb0-4925-9a78-87632d57bcae">Please HELP me....</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiances step sister who lives out of the country assumed that she was going to be in the wedding. Once we heard of this my fiance asked her to be in the wedding and notified her how expensive it is to be in a wedding.(He did not want her feelings to be hurt) I personally have been in 3 and it has cost me over $1000 each time. Between the shower, dress, shoes, hair, nails, and jewelry. Now she is telling him "since she is not attending the shower (due to being out of the country) she is not contributing toward it. What do I do???? The only reason I even know of anything is b/c she speaks only Spanish so my MOH can not communicate with her. I don't want the rest of the bridal party to be upset that she is not contributing.
Posted by jbenti[/QUOTE]

You should never tell someone what it'll cost to be in your wedding. Weddings do not come with a set price tag for your attendants ... you ask about their budgets and then you work with them on it. If someone told me that it'd cost me at least a thousand dollars to be in her wedding, I'd tell her to buzz off.

What you should have done was to say, "How much can you afford for a dress?" (which you should also ask each of the other bridesmaids, in private). Then you are obligated to select a dress that falls within everyone's price range. If you feel that the budget is too low, then you chip in some cash to help out.

They are not obligated to contribute to your shower or bachelorette party, or plan/attend it. They will if they want to. It's not part of their job. Most bridesmaids will do this, but that's because they WANT to, not because they HAVE to. If she is not attending the shower then of course it's reasonable that she doesn't contribute.

You cannot require professional hair or nails or makeup, specific shoes or jewelry, that she stay in a specific hotel, attend your pre-wedding parties, etc. If she chooses to spend money on these things, fine. If not, you cannot demand it unless you plan to foot the entire bill.

If all the brides you've been a bridesmaid for have demanded these things from you and not paid for it, then they were 100% wrong, and that absolutely does not give you the right to treat your own bridesmaids that way.

Ask her about her budget and then work with her on it. Instead of saying, "If you want to be in my wedding, it's gonna cost you."

bablingbrooke

Well, she's not attending the shower so no, she's not obligated to contribute to it.  Telling someone, "It'll cost you $1,000 to be in my wedding," is such a bridezilla move.  You should have manned up and told her she couldn't be a BM if you didn't want her to.  She doesn't have to attend your shower--some of my BMs didn't attend mine.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_please-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a6508609-db2d-46d1-a1d5-1c35061bce5aPost:5059e089-4e53-4d2f-809c-681aad1082e0">Re: Please HELP me....</a>:
[QUOTE]The whole reason we didn't include her was because we knew it would be too much for her. She assumed she would be in it. The bridal party had a year and 1/2 notice. I also told everyone I know how expensive it could be and I understood if it was too much for anyone. Why it cost me $1000+ *The shower + bridal shower gift was $300 for all of the weddings I was in. *The dress was $200-$250 *Hair $75 (she doesnt have to do) *Nails/Pedicure $80 (she doesnt have to do) *Makeup $75 (she doesn't have to do) *Shoes $60 *The wedding gift I choose to give was $300 from my fiance and I
Posted by jbenti[/QUOTE]

You should also never assume that you know someone's financial situation. Imagine how awful she'd feel if she learned that you excluded her because you figured that she wouldn't be able to spend enough money on your wedding. How would YOU feel if a friend said to you, "I'd love to have you as a bridesmaid, but you don't have enough money to participate so I'm not asking you." Again, if you want someone to be your bridesmaid, then you work with THEIR budgets. You don't just set a budget and say, "Oh well, tough luck, it's too much cash for you."

If you didn't want her as a bridesmaid because you're not close to her, that's absolutely fine. But if she was assuming that she'd be a bridesmaid and you never set her straight, then that's your own fault. It's fine to gently tell someone that she's not a bridesmaid if you weren't otherwise going to ask her. It's wrong to say, "O.K., you can be a bridesmaid, but you should expect to spend $xyz and if you can't then tough luck."

But if your FI told her that she can be a bridesmaid, then you're obligated to ask her for her dress budget and find a dress within her budget. Everything else is up to her ... if she can't afford pro beauty treatments then she doesn't have to get them. She can wear neutral shoes and some appropriate jewelry that she already owns. If she can't afford to fly in or get a hotel room, you can help her out if you wish but you're not obligated to do so (again, unless you're requiring her to stay in a certain hotel or get a room for more days than she planned to).

jbenti

I am really not a bridezilla. I swear! I didnt tell her an amt. I am just stating what I paid. My fiance told her it would be extremely expensive and she said ok to everything. Only now is she saying well I'm not going to be there. I feel bad for the other girls in the bridal party.

bablingbrooke

Well, don't feel bad for them.  They will throw the parties they can afford.  So stop that right now.

And yes, it's very bridezilla to expect people to fork over hundreds of dollars in your honor.  Besides the cost of the dress, there is nothing else they have to pay.  You have chosen to pay more in the past.  That was your decision.  It's not fair of you to make the decision for her.  You and your FI owe his sister an apology for your approach--it is very off-putting.  I'm offended just hearing about it.

jbenti

I guess your not reading what I wrote. Because I said she is not obligated to get her hair, nails, or makeup done. But I do have the right to have all my girls match (dress and shoes). Nor did I say I gave them a set price. $1000+ was the example for what I paid. My MOH determined the cost of the shower and bridal party gift. The only reason I know is b/c my fiances step sister doesn't speak English. I am giving my bridal party their jewelry, matching coach wristlets, flip flops to change into, and a tote bag to carry everything the need for the day of.

bablingbrooke

And maybe you're not understanding me: To approach her and say, "It's expensive to be a BM" you are sending the message that you expect that.  It's very rude and off-putting.  It's very bridezilla.  You both owe his sister an apology.

If you just wanted people to say, "Don't worry honey, you did the right thing!" then you came to the wrong place.  Because you did not do the right thing.  And rather than just stonewalling, consider what you're being told.  Sometimes it's hard to see a situation for what it is when you're in it, but people not directly involved can see things you can't.

bablingbrooke

Also, it was wrong of your MOH to plan the party herself and then bill the rest of the WP.  She needed to involve them in the planning.  So she owes your FSIL an apology too.

jbenti

No one told her she couldn't be in the wedding. If I could afford to pay for my whole bridal party I would, but unfortunately we are paying for our wedding and rehearsal dinner ourselves. I did not set the price for the shower my MOH did.

bablingbrooke

And like I said, that was wrong of the MOH.  Your FSIL doesn't have to pay for anything but the dress, and she should have been consulted about her budget before the dress was picked.  Savvy?

It CAN be expensive to be a BM but it doesn't HAVE to be.  Telling her that it's going to be is the same as saying, "I charge this much to be in my wedding."  FSIL is about to be family.  How about you start treating her that way?

jbenti

Well my MOH had sent her translated emails for 2 months b/f she finalized anything and when she didn't get a response. She booked it. Also it wasn't said in a nasty way to her, that it is expensive to be in a wedding. The reason he told her was because she lives in another country and they do things d/f there. My MOH even tried to plan the shower around her, so she would be able to attend, but it would be too close to the wedding date.

bablingbrooke

Okay, I'm done trying to show you that you did something wrong.  You and your FI did wrong.  It doesn't matter how nicely he said it, it's the fact that he/you said it at all.  But like I said, I'm done.  Go ahead and convince yourself that you didn't do anything wrong.  I hope it doesn't come back to bite you after the wedding.

jbenti

All of the other girls were fine with the price as was she when she was told. Now is when she is changing her story

bablingbrooke

When you are willing to accept constructive criticism, rather than offer excuse after excuse, I'm more than happy to try to help you.  But I can't give you more than what you are willing to receive.

mbcdefg

It's none of your business if she's suddenly not paying for the shower. Let your bridesmaids deal with it. If they're mad at her, fine, but that is absolutely no reason for you to get involved with this. Booting her or being mad at her because "You didn't contribute to my shower" would be an incredibly jerky thing to do.

No, you do not have the right to require specific shoes if you are not paying for them.

As far as the dress, if you got her price range ahead of time and selected something in her price range, and now she's changing her story, then she is wrong and you can absolutely say, "Sorry, you agreed to that price. If you can't afford it then I understand."

If you said, "The dress will cost $x, is that all right?" then you are wrong for not asking for her price. Asking this question poses a problem because she may feel pressured into saying yes even if she disagrees with you.

If you just selected a dress and told her to buy it, then you are wrong.

It was wrong of you to say that being a bridesmaid cost you $1000 in the past.

You can explain all you want, but you still did some things wrong in this situation.

jbenti

Well Brook that is all well and fine if your "DONE". The reason I kept responding to you b/c you have the facts twisted and are assuming something.

bablingbrooke

I'm not the only one who thinks so.  But go ahead with your head-in-the-sand plan.  I truly hope it works out for you in the end.  I don't wish you ill will.  Believe it or not, I'm trying to help you.  But if you don't see that you played a part in this, you can't possibly hope to improve the situation.

mbcdefg

How are the facts twisted?

Your FI told someone that it'd be "expensive" for her to be in your wedding. That is wrong. Period. You ask a bridesmaid for her budget and then you work around this.

It is none of your business who pays what for your shower. It is rude for a bride to be involved in the planning of her own shower. She is not obligated to help pay for your shower, especially if she is not attending. Your Maid of Honor was wrong if she contacted her and said, "Your share is $x." Period.

jbenti

the reason he said that is b/c she is from another country where they do things d/f. he wanted her to be aware that things are done a little d/f here. he nor i gave her a amt for anything besides the dress and shoes. which she was fine with in the beginning. if she doesnt partipate in the shower i am not going to kick her out of the wedding. the whole point of the post (maybe i worded it wrong) was that the other members of the bridal party are annoyed.

banana468

OP, I think the issue as people are pointing out, is that this was handled poorly by a few parties.

1) Your FI shouldn't have said, "It's expensive to be in a wedding." Instead, a "would you like to be a BM" was fine.  If she answered yes then an answer of "How much can you afford to spend on a dress" was the only other question.

2) Your MOH was wrong on two counts:
A - She shouldn't have involved you regarding who was spending what on the shower at all.  That was completely out of line for her to do.
B-She shouldn't have spent your FSIL's money without FSIL actually saying, "Sure I can give $X towards a shower".
and IMO
C-Who expects someone to contribute to a shower when you know the person can't attend it?? 

So on the shower front just say, "I'm staying out of this one.  It's for you to handle with her since I shouldn't be involved at all."

On the rest, just make sure she knows that the ONLY thing she needs to buy is a dress.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_please-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a6508609-db2d-46d1-a1d5-1c35061bce5aPost:57087fea-6995-4c24-8a94-ec6cd8fb56a8">Re: Please HELP me....</a>:
[QUOTE]the reason he said that is b/c she is from another country where they do things d/f. he wanted her to be aware that things are done a little d/f here. he nor i gave her a amt for anything besides the dress and shoes. which she was fine with in the beginning. if she doesnt partipate in the shower i am not going to kick her out of the wedding. the whole point of the post (maybe i worded it wrong) was that the other members of the bridal party are annoyed.
Posted by jbenti[/QUOTE]

*bangs head against wall*

It was not acceptable to tell her that being in a bridal party is expensive. No, it is not "done this way" in the United States. It was wrong of your FI to tell her that it'd be expensive, even if he did not give her a specific amount. YOU GET HER DRESS BUDGET AND THEN YOU WORK WITH IT. Anything else that money would need to be spent on - travel, accommodations, beauty treatments, accessories - is HER decision. Therefore, it is her decision as to how expensive or not being in your wedding will be. You spent $1K to be a bridesmaid because <strong>YOU</strong> chose to.

It was wrong of you to require that she buy specific shoes. If you want them in specific shoes, then you need to pay for it.

If members of the bridal party are annoyed, then let them deal with it. You should not get involved. If they come complaining to you, then say, "It's not appropriate for the bride to be involved in the planning of her own shower, so please leave me out of it," then do not discuss the topic any more. That is the way you should handle it.

janedoe1113a

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_please-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a6508609-db2d-46d1-a1d5-1c35061bce5aPost:57087fea-6995-4c24-8a94-ec6cd8fb56a8">Re: Please HELP me....</a>:
[QUOTE]the reason he said that is b/c she is from another country where they do things d/f. he wanted her to be aware that things are done a little d/f here. <strong>he nor i gave her a amt for anything besides the dress and shoes.</strong> which she was fine with in the beginning. if she doesnt partipate in the shower i am not going to kick her out of the wedding. the whole point of the post (maybe i worded it wrong) was that the other members of the bridal party are annoyed.
Posted by jbenti[/QUOTE]

You shouldn't have done this.  You should ask for her budget, then find a dress in that budget, then tell her how much it is.  You don't get to choose how much your BMs spend on your wedding.

Stay out of the shower.  I'm sure your BMs are big girls and can handle it on their own.

aerinpegadrak

Holy thickheaded, Batman.  It's no wonder you're running into family problems when you refuse to even entertain the slightest possibility that you just might have been in the wrong.  Sheesh.

mysticl

I'm just curious about the MOH determining the price of the bridal party gift.  Is she telling everyone what they have to buy for you?  Are they going in on a gift together?  I've done that before but no one ever dictated the price, people either figured out what they could put in and someone took the money and bought a gift at that price or the group decided on what to get and then divided the price.  And if she can't attend the bridal party really shouldn't expect her to contribute.  It would be nice if she did but not expected.

bablingbrooke

@mysticl: I think the issue is that the MOH planned the shower and then told all the BMs what their share was for paying for the shower itself, rather than the gift.  So basically this girl is on the hook for paying for a party that everyone knew she wasn't going to be able to attend, yet she's still expected to help pay for it.  

CTGirl30

OP, I see you haven't returned to this thread since your last post above but I really hope you have read what these wise ladies have written to you.

It can be tough to admit you've made a few mistakes in handling a situation but the intent is for you to see where you and your FI went wrong and how to avoid makign the situation with your FSIL worse.

Also, just because YOU have chosen to spent close to $1,000 on previous weddings you have been in, does not mean this sets the precedents for YOUR Bms in your wedding. I have never given a $300 wedding gift and if that's okay for your budget than more power to you, but that would not be okay for my budget and therefore it wouldn't happen. Just saying - other people are different and you need to respect that.

You also need to realize you don't have the "right" to put them in matching dresses and shoes. You do get quite a bit of say in the BM dress selection (after you've asked each girl what her dress budget will be and work within that range) but if you're going to REQUIRE them all to buy a new pair of matching shoes, then you foot the bill for those. Anything you REQUIRE for your wedding - you pay for it.

I honestly hope you're considering the replies you've gotten on this thread and are taking them to heart. People won't tell you want you may WANT to hear on this board but rather, what you NEED to hear and to me that is far more valuable.

deb84

$1000 to be a bridesmaid?! Are you kidding me?  First of all it does not HAVE to be that expensive.  You clearly CHOSE to make it that expensive.  I could not/would not spend over $150 on a wedding gift even for a sibling or best friend.  I have never spent more than $200 on a dress and that is COUNTING alterations.  I've always just worn shoes out of my closet and even your hair and make up amounts seem crazy to me.  But I am from the midwest so maybe it is that expensive where you are from. I've never paid more than $40 for an updo, never paid more than $25 for my make up to be done.  Also, what kind of a shower are they throwing?  Cake and punch showers are all that I have ever been to.  (Again may be a regional thing.)

Lastly,  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not buy your bridesmaids items to wear on your wedding day and then call it a "gift" to thank them.  THIS IS NOT A GIFT.  It sounds like your thank you gifts are jewelry to wear for the wedding and flip flops to change into for the reception.  Neither of these are gifts.  I wouldn't want either one.  I have more flip flops than I know what to do with as it is and I am super picky about my jewelry.

For real lastly, bridesmaids DO NOT have to match.  I have been a bridesmaid four times and all four times was allowed to pick my own dress.  The bride picks out a line, color and length and then the girls find something they like. 

aerinpegadrak

I'll also say that $1K to be in a wedding is ridiculous.  Aside from travel and hotel costs (which they would have had to pay as guests), our attendants spent less than $200 each, some significantly less.