Bridesmaid Bailout ::: UPDATE...Advice?

vanessa7889

Ok, so i posted a board not that long ago saying how my FSIL was going to be a bridesmaid but everyone got into a huge arguement about her dumb bf. anyway, she refused to come to the wedding and I dont have a bridesmaid.

I know most the responses told me to wait it out, and guess what, she still doesnt want to be a bridesmaid. So i only have a maid of honor. 

Ok, so my next question is, now that she told me she def doesnt want to go to my wedding let alone be in it, what do i do?

My FI and Dad keep telling me to ask someone else. The thing is, I have a hard time getting close to people because in the end, i always end up getting screwed over and my feelings hurt, so im not really close to anybody.

I know people are going to say to wait to see if she comes around, but i cant wait forever and its not really fair to me to have to wait on someone for my wedding. call me a bridezilla, but it just doesnt sit right with me. am i supposed to wait until the last minute for her? Or is it ok now to ask someone else?

and if i do ask someone else, do i explain the situation? or just completely leave her out of it?

becgrose

I agree with quotequeen. If you are only close with your MOH, then just have a MOH. In the end, you want only people you are supportive of you to stand up for you.

Marilynor

I think you should ask someone else, if it's definite that she is not attending or participating, Than move on and do what you need to do! At the end of the day, it's your wedding and you should decide how you want your wedding to turn out! I had the same problem a couple days ago, and I was really frustrated, thank god my FSI changed her mind and called me. So do what you need to do to make your special day the way you have always dreamed it would be. Congratulations and Good Luck!

mbcdefg

Don't ask a replacement. That's insulting to bring someone in just to fill a spot.

Just have the MOH. You don't need anyone else.

LouLou222

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-bailout-updateadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:acc7217c-f061-429b-b3ab-4df6e67db9a1Post:710e3163-5406-481f-a923-17a7faa3715e">Re: Bridesmaid Bailout ::: UPDATE...Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]At the end of the day, it's your wedding and you should decide how you want your wedding to turn out!
Posted by Marilynor[/QUOTE]


Right.  And the goal at the end of the day is to be married to your FH, not have even sides or warm bodies to fill positions.

If you're not super close to anyone, it's still fine.  Having just a MOH will still be special, and I'll bet she'll feel special too.  I wouldn't ask anyone else, and if FSIL comes around that's great, but if she doesn't it's okay too.

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-bailout-updateadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:acc7217c-f061-429b-b3ab-4df6e67db9a1Post:710e3163-5406-481f-a923-17a7faa3715e">Re: Bridesmaid Bailout ::: UPDATE...Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you should ask someone else, if it's definite that she is not attending or participating, Than move on and do what you need to do! At the end of the day, it's your wedding and you should decide how you want your wedding to turn out! I had the same problem a couple days ago, and I was really frustrated, thank god my FSI changed her mind and called me. So do what you need to do to make your special day the way you have always dreamed it would be. Congratulations and Good Luck!
Posted by Marilynor[/QUOTE]

This is terrible advice.  No one wants to be a replacement.

Your wedding party should be the people who are closest to you.  They are your friends, not your props.  Especially as you don't have a close friend that even jumps to mind as a replacement, you definitely, definitely should not be asking someone just to have even numbers.

Just have your MOH.  I promise that it will not render your marriage invalid.

LarissaAnn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-bailout-updateadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:acc7217c-f061-429b-b3ab-4df6e67db9a1Post:710e3163-5406-481f-a923-17a7faa3715e">Re: Bridesmaid Bailout ::: UPDATE...Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you should ask someone else, if it's definite that she is not attending or participating, Than move on and do what you need to do! At the end of the day, it's your wedding and you should decide how you want your wedding to turn out! I had the same problem a couple days ago, and I was really frustrated, thank god my FSI changed her mind and called me. So do what you need to do to make your special day the way you have always dreamed it would be. Congratulations and Good Luck!
Posted by Marilynor[/QUOTE]
This demeans your FSIL, which may not seem like a big deal now while you're on the outs, but down the road when things can be mended (and you'll be family, so don't discount that possibility!) showing your FSIL that she was irrelevant and just a wedding prop could throw an additional wrench in it and further harm the relationship.<div>
</div><div>It also demeans the fill-in person you ask.  You're saying, "Yeah, I didn't really want you as my BM, but since I've got a job opening, and I need symmetry, you need to stand there and be a bookend for me."  It's crappy.</div><div>
</div><div>And perhaps worst of all, it demeans your MOH, who hasn't done a thing wrong.  It tells her, "My bridal party isn't important to me, you're just there because I need bodies in matching dresses or it doesn't look like a 'real' wedding.  Watch out, 'cause you're replaceable too."  I know it feels like it has nothing to do with her, but the message will still be there.</div><div>
</div><div>Plus, since you don't have anyone else you're close to, there's no reason to cause yourself added stress by having to scramble for another body to wear a dress.  Seriously, there's enough to stress about with weddings, don't add to it.  Let this go, trek on with your MOH, and have a great wedding.  People come here all the time talking about how their bridesmaids are causing them problems and stressing them out, and 99 times out of 100, it's because they asked people who weren't actually close friends or family members, people who don't care and don't have a personal stake in seeing you happy.  Most times, brides want to know how to <strong>remove</strong> those people from the wedding party.  So don't put yourself in that position.  Not worth it!</div>

Marilynor

How is it terrible advice?If she doesn't have anyone close to ask, than yes just keep it with the MOH.But if there is someone close to you that you think would feel honored that you asked them to be in your wedding, than do it! I'm sorry but your wedding day should be a special day and whoever you ask to be a part of the wedding should feel honored.If they don't care enough to make you happy for one day, than they don't deserve to be in your wedding.You can't redo your wedding day so however you envision it, should be the way it turns out!

It's your day no matter what!

felicia220

This is part of the reason I didn't have a bridal party.  I was trying to avoid this mayhem and still found myself hurting people.  Here is what I can tell you.  If a friend came to me and explained what had happened and then asked me to be a BM, I wouldn't feel like a replacement and here is why: 

1. I would understand the situation

2. I would think that the bride and I are good friends and if she had a big wedding party she would have put me in it anyway.  Not saying that I am next in line but often times family trumps friends, if that makes sense.

3. I would love to help out a friend

Here is your problem, it does not seem as though you have a close friend like that, so to ask someone that you are just kind of friends with, will look like you are replacing them. (I totally get the whole not getting close to people thing, BTW) IF you just ask someone it will not turn out the way that you hope.  I can only see this working if you ask one of your family members to be a BM, maybe a cousin or something.  

I don't think you are a bridezilla, I just think this is totally stressing you out and when people are stressed they don't think as logically about things as they normally would.  Give it some more thought before you make a decision.

banana468

Marilynor, read what others have said.  If you have to use the "It's your day" reason, it's a terrible reason.

OP, Please also read what others have said.

It's one thing if you say, "I realize I should have asked you a long time ago," but if you can't think of others, that's a sign you should stick with the MOH and that's it.

vanessa7889

I appreciate everyones adivce! I really do. I really agree with felicia saying

"I just think this is totally stressing you out and when people are stressed they don't think as logically about things as they normally would."

I think im going to leave it with my MOH (shes my cousin and we are only 6 days apart in age) and we've always been pretty close.

My FI best man and groomsman will walk with her down the aisle so she doesnt feel left out but still feels special enough that shes the only one standing up for me.
If by any chance, my FSIL does turn aroud, her spot will be available for her.

I really appreciate the advice. Thanks again

stina93446

Don't ask someone else. You already said yourself that you aren't really close to anyone else. Just leave it at one and stick to your guns. Tell your dad that you only want one.

Marilynor

No matter what it's the brides day!

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-bailout-updateadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:acc7217c-f061-429b-b3ab-4df6e67db9a1Post:04bb9304-37e3-4d70-b27b-a889cc6572f9">Re: Bridesmaid Bailout ::: UPDATE...Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]No matter what it's the brides day!
Posted by Marilynor[/QUOTE]

<div>While it's the bride's day, she doesn't have to fill a spot with someone she doesn't care about.</div>

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-bailout-updateadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:acc7217c-f061-429b-b3ab-4df6e67db9a1Post:04bb9304-37e3-4d70-b27b-a889cc6572f9">Re: Bridesmaid Bailout ::: UPDATE...Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]No matter what it's the brides day!
Posted by Marilynor[/QUOTE]

And no matter what, it's the groom's day, the BM's day and the day of anyone whom the bride and groom choose to involve.  As long as the bride is not by herself, it will never be JUST her day.

felicia220

Good Luck to you Vanessa and in the end, you will still be marrying your FI, regardless of who is standing next to you.  Just didn't want you to ask someone for the sake of asking and then regret it later.  

Now continue on with your planning because if you are anything like what I am feeling right now....you are very far behind....hahaha

vanessa7889

Felicia, i am extremely far behind lol, but now i have one less stress to worry/think about. maybe i will sleep tonight.  thanks everyone!

bablingbrooke

Read the "interesting article" sticky at the top of the WP page, Marilynor.

aerinpegadrak

So you figured out how to have a wedding that doesn't involve a groom, Marilynor?  I'd be interested to hear how that works.

bablingbrooke

We're just trying to bring you back to reality, sweetie.  The reason everyone here gives the advice they do is that (gasp) IT WORKS!  I have never heard anyone come back here and say "I followed your advice and the wedding was a disaster!"  But many have returned to say "I was really resistant to it, but I followed your advice and you know what, you were right."  

How sad that you think the groom just shows up and gets no say.  My DH definitely had opinions about our wedding and I didn't dismiss them--it was as much his day as it was mine and to make it all about what I wanted would have been really wrong.  We got married in his church and half the music was from his culture, just to name a couple of things that we did because they were important to him.  I'm sure my DH is not the only guy who cared about his wedding.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-bailout-updateadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:acc7217c-f061-429b-b3ab-4df6e67db9a1Post:fd6534f3-082b-4fa1-bca7-fdf056f4db2d">Re: Bridesmaid Bailout ::: UPDATE...Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Geez isn't this a forum for Brides and wedding info? I don't ever see Grooms discussing all the WP details, because we are more into it and pretty much make all the decisons for our wedding, so it's really our day The Brides! My post wasn't meant to influence her decision, It's the truth, Grooms are just meant to show up and that's it! We do everthing unless you can affod a wedding planner! Chill out ladies, you guys are so touchy with everything..
Posted by Marilynor[/QUOTE]

I go on TK while DH goes on car forums.  But I get equal say in our next vehicle and he had a ton of input in our wedding.

I NEVER would have married someone who said, "Just tell me where to show up."

DH and I are equal partners in this marriage.  OF COURSE we were partners planning the wedding!

aerinpegadrak

Ditto the others.  FI picked the color scheme and the menu, and has had a ton of say on the rest of the wedding.  I haven't made a single decision unilaterally except about my hair stylist; even then he was a sounding board as I was talking through my options.  If he didn't care about the wedding, it wouldn't be happening, simple as that.

bablingbrooke

Now that I think about it, we really only had a big wedding at all because DH wanted one.  If it had been up to me, we would have had a DW in Hawaii with just our immediate families and closest friends.  But DH wanted a wedding with our extended families, which for us is about 150 people, so we had the big wedding.  

trix1223

Marilynor:  yep.....14 posts.  Not al all surprising.

felicia220

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-bailout-updateadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:acc7217c-f061-429b-b3ab-4df6e67db9a1Post:fd6534f3-082b-4fa1-bca7-fdf056f4db2d">Re: Bridesmaid Bailout ::: UPDATE...Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Geez isn't this a forum for Brides and wedding info? I don't ever see Grooms discussing all the WP details, because we are more into it and pretty much make all the decisons for our wedding, so it's really our day The Brides! My post wasn't meant to influence her decision, <strong>It's the truth, Grooms are just meant to show up and that's it!</strong> We do everthing unless you can affod a wedding planner! Chill out ladies, you guys are so touchy with everything..
Posted by Marilynor[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I just want to say that I am sorry for you, because if this is how you truly feel then that's SAD.  90% of the process my FI and I made all the decisions together, the other 10% is my attire and look.  I always feel bad for brides that don't have an active groom. I understand some girls get SO into it, that it may overwhelm their grooms but for all him to do is just show up, it makes me wonder what else in your marriage he will "Just show up" for. 

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