Choosing bridesmaids for a cross-country wedding!

avolker1

So I'm originally from NJ, went to college in upstate NY then to grad school in CA and have lived there for the past 6 years.  So understandably, I have friends from each of the different parts of my life (and I feel very fortunate to have so many great friends)...however this makes choosing a bridal party very difficult! My wedding will be in the NJ/NY area but I will be doing much of the planning in CA. 

I know for sure my sister will be my MOH, and then I have 2 high school/college friends that are a definite.  Then it gets tricky.  I have 2 other high school friends I would very much like included, as well as 2 good friends from CA whom I would also like there.  That brings the total to 7 girls, which concerns me on a couple levels.  First, from a rough estimate, our guest list is not huge- somewhere in the 100-150 range at most, and I've heard that your bridal party should be proportional to the size of the wedding.  Second, my fiance will only have a max of 6 groomsmen- 2 brothers as co-best men and 4 close friends.  Lastly, I have some hesitations about asking one of my CA friends because she is in grad school at the moment and has limited funds and is busy with school work a lot.  I don't want to burden her or make her feel obligated to spend money to be a BM, although I consider her one of my closest friends and would love for her to be a part of it. 

Should I just not ask her but instead include her in another way? Or should I trust that she will be honest with me if she doesn't think she can commit to being a BM at this time? I'm very torn about that and if 7 is too many for the size of the wedding.  Just for reference, we are not really going to have a "traditional" wedding- the ceremony will be non-denominational and we plan on doing the ceremony and reception at the same location if possible.  So part of me thinks I don't need to worry about the "rules" and just do what works for us, but I don't want it to seem silly, and I would never want to make any of my friends feel burdened.  Advice anyone??

AdeleDazeem

Hmmm... from NJ and went to school in Upstate NY.  Are you me? :-)  (where did you go to school??)

Anyway, I'm going to give you simple, easy advice.

1. 7 bridesmaids is fine both for your wedding size and your husband's number of 6.  Don't even worry about that.

2. You ask who you WANT to be standing there.  Your wedding party should be the people you can't imagine being married without.  If that's all seven, then it's all seven and don't think on it a moment longer.

3. I also would just ask your friend in grad school without any "are you sure you can handle it?" questions.  Just ask her.  Let her voice her concerns if she has any.  Ask her budget so you choose a dress she can afford.  Let her lead the way on what she can handle.

Good luck!

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-bridesmaids-for-a-cross-country-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ad1ed949-f3db-4d43-8690-3fc2322256fbPost:b1c2f359-9f08-44b7-a802-65c9b4a2cbaa">Choosing bridesmaids for a cross-country wedding!</a>:
[QUOTE]So I'm originally from NJ, went to college in upstate NY then to grad school in CA and have lived there for the past 6 years.  So understandably, I have friends from each of the different parts of my life (and I feel very fortunate to have so many great friends)...however this makes choosing a bridal party very difficult! My wedding will be in the NJ/NY area but I will be doing much of the planning in CA.  I know for sure my sister will be my MOH, and then I have 2 high school/college friends that are a definite.  Then it gets tricky.  I have 2 other high school friends I would very much like included, as well as 2 good friends from CA whom I would also like there.  That brings the total to 7 girls, which concerns me on a couple levels.  First, from a rough estimate, our guest list is not huge- somewhere in the 100-150 range at most, and<strong> I've heard that your bridal party should be proportional to the size of the wedding. </strong> <strong>Second, my fiance will only have a max of 6 groomsmen- 2 brothers as co-best men and 4 close friends</strong>.  Lastly, I have some hesitations about asking one of my CA friends because she is in grad school at the moment and has limited funds and is busy with school work a lot.<strong>  I don't want to burden her or make her feel obligated to spend money to be a BM</strong>, although I consider her one of my closest friends and would love for her to be a part of it.  Should I just not ask her but instead include her in another way? Or should I trust that she will be honest with me if she doesn't think she can commit to being a BM at this time? I'm very torn about that and if 7 is too many for the size of the wedding.  Just for reference, we are not really going to have a "traditional" wedding- the ceremony will be non-denominational and we plan on doing the ceremony and reception at the same location if possible.  So part of me thinks I don't need to worry about the "rules" and just do what works for us, but I don't want it to seem silly, and I would never want to make any of my friends feel burdened.  Advice anyone??
Posted by avolker1[/QUOTE]
1 - You heard wrong, your wedding party doesn't have to be proportional.  It should be made up of the people that you can't imagine getting married without having them by your side, whatever that number is.
2 - Wedding parties also don't have to be (and quite often aren't, because frankly most people don't have naturally symmetrical groups of loved ones) even.
3 - The only thing she would be committing to is traveling to the wedding and buying a dress, and for the dress you should be asking her (and all of  your ladies) what their budgets are, individually, then going with the lowest number.  If you have friends with limited budgets it would be a nice gesture to let them wear something from their closet or just tell them to get a LBD, so that they can find something affordable and that they can wear again.  As far as the traveling goes, just be open to her maybe having to drop out of the wedding because she can't afford the travel, and don't guilt her about it if that happens.

avolker1

Joy2611: Thank you for your reply! I went to SUNY Binghamton so naturally I had to escape to the warm weather of California!

Viczaesar: Thank you also for your reply!

You are both saying the same thing about not worrying about the size of the bridal party but just making sure you have those people you want to be there...so that is very comforting! And I'm glad it won't be odd to have one more bridesmaid than groomsman.

I like the idea of asking them what their budget is for the dress.  I remember in 2009 when I was in one of my best friend's wedding I was just about to graduate from grad school and was living in CA...so she very generously offered to pay for my dress.  I insisted that she didn't have to do it but she insisted that she wanted to, especially because I would be travelling to NJ for her wedding.  I also ended up flying out for her bachelorette party because I couldn't imagine missing it.  Of coures I do not expect my CA friends to make multiple trips to the east coast if that's where I end up having my bachelorette and/or bridal shower, however an idea I have is to do the bach party maybe the weekend before the wedding so if people want to come out for a week and make a vacation out of it that might work for some.  There are just so many options!

Thank you so much, I feel better now.

AdeleDazeem

Yay!  I drove through Binghamton to get to school for years.  It's lovely up there.

You sound quite sane about this whole thing.  Happy wedding!  I'm glad we calmed your concerns :-)

FutureMrsPaulG

I"d ask your friend from CA if you really want her to be a part of your wedding and trust her to let you know if she isn't able to attend for whatever reason.  It can most definitely be done though.  FWIW, all of my bridesmaids & MOH are across the country and it is working out just fine.  I'm also a bridesmaid in my FSIL's wedding and she lives in MA and I'm in CA.  It is a bit of a bummer to not be able to fly out for the shower and bachlorette parties but I was flattered that she wanted to include me.