Need some advice

kevans0604

I am having some issues with my maid of honor. She has been very difficult as far as scheduling a time with the other bridesmaids to go look for a dress for my wedding, so the other two went without her and bought their dresses. (My wedding is less than 3 months away). I have told my maid of honor that if money is an issue for her, I will buy her dress for her... but she wont let me. She just keeps saying that she's been Soooo busy and hasn't had time to go get her dress.

Okay, the problem is that the dress is on sale, and will be discontinued soon. So it's really important that she gets in ASAP to buy it.

Well, come to find out the REAL reason she hasn't bought her dress yet is that she isn't sure if she will even be at the wedding! She has these plans to travel abroad to help a friend with grant work, and the trip just might fall when my wedding is.

She keeps saying "I'm trying to make your wedding a priority". What?! She's the MAID OF HONOR! She already commited to the wedding, and now iis not answering my phone calls.

So... should I just send her an e-mail and tell her she's out of the wedding? How do I do this without ruining our friendship?

blackfire5th

That really sucks that she might have scheduled something else during your wedding, but don't kick her out and don't replace her.

I would stop worrying about it at this point.  If she gets the dress and shows up, then she's in, if she doesn't, then she has removed herself from the wedding party.  Just have one of the bridesmaids hold your bouquet/adjust your train, etc.  It's also okay if you have uneven sides.  If this is now the case, 1 bm can walk with 2 gm.

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b35a3325-e0d5-43a9-a122-fb445315d5a1Post:ba1486d4-0262-405e-baa0-7497929612e8">Need some advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I am having some issues with my maid of honor. She has been very difficult as far as scheduling a time with the other bridesmaids to go look for a dress for my wedding, so the other two went without her and bought their dresses. (My wedding is less than 3 months away). I have told my maid of honor that if money is an issue for her, I will buy her dress for her... but she wont let me. She just keeps saying that she's been Soooo busy and hasn't had time to go get her dress. Okay, the problem is that the dress is on sale, and will be discontinued soon. So it's really important that she gets in ASAP to buy it. Well, come to find out the REAL reason she hasn't bought her dress yet is that she isn't sure if she will even be at the wedding! She has these plans to travel abroad to help a friend with grant work, and the trip just might fall when my wedding is. She keeps saying "I'm trying to make your wedding a priority". What?! She's the MAID OF HONOR! She already commited to the wedding, and now iis not answering my phone calls. So... should I just send her an e-mail and tell her she's out of the wedding? <strong>How do I do this without ruining our friendship?</strong>
Posted by kevans0604[/QUOTE]

There's no way to do this without ruining the friendship. Kicking somebody out of the BP <strong>is</strong> a friendship ending move.

gottahavashorti

You cannot do that without ruining the friendship.  If she fails to get the dress before it is sold out in her size or discontinued, or otherwise obtain a dress (ebay, craigslist, etc) she has removed herself from the wedding.

Hollztastic

I had some problems with my MOH regarding dresses as well....I was calling almost every day, e-mailing, texting, you name it, to get her to buy the dress with everyone else-----

Waited a couple days with NO contact, then just called with a 'hey what's up?' message, and she called back!  I had a heart-to-heart with her and tell her that if she thought the wedding would be too much responsibility, she had to let me know NOW that she can't be a part of it, and no hard feelings on either side.  We ended up making amends, she's still my MOH, and she really appreciated my honesty with my frustration at her.

Try it out---if you actually kick her out-you'll lose a friend forever, but if you make it sound like you're trying to help HER out by giving her a way out, you might salvage the friendship

mizri

I've been going through some stuff with MOH recently, and know how you feel.  Last week, MOH told me that she doesn't think she'll be able to be in the wedding.  I let it go, and gave her some time.  Then, we were talking about other stuff, she told me about some things her and her husband are going through.  Now, due to advise I gave, she's not talking to me at all...  Point is, give her some time to figure things out.  Don't kick her out, but if she's not able to be part of the day, don't hold it against her.

kevans0604

Thanks for the advice! I called her yesterday and before I could even bring things up, she told me that she is planning on going to get her dress on Wednesday. Hopefully it is still available... if not then I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe it makes me a Witch, but I want my bridesmaids' dresses all to match and since she waited so long to get it, if it's not there I just don't know what I can do.

jesstevens214

Don't stress about the dress.  It is not uncommon that the MOH now has a different dress from the other BMs.  My MOH is wearing a pant suti made from the same material and color as the BM dresses.  Don't let them lose their identity.  They still need to look good too.

saxy414

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b35a3325-e0d5-43a9-a122-fb445315d5a1Post:70d59a7c-2857-4ff0-8d67-b16498a48483">Re: Need some advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice! I called her yesterday and before I could even bring things up, she told me that she is planning on going to get her dress on Wednesday. Hopefully it is still available... if not then I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe it makes me a Witch, but I want my bridesmaids' dresses all to match and since she waited so long to get it, if it's not there I just don't know what I can do.
Posted by kevans0604[/QUOTE]

Relax about it.  I understand wanting them to be in the same dresses, but it's absolutely not worth losing a friendship over.  If she has to wear a slightly different dress, your wedding will still be valid.  And, I bet hardly anyone will notice but you.  If the store is out of the dress, check ebay/craigslist/google it, it's probably still out there somewhere.  Otherwise, just have her get a similar dress--DO NOT throw her out of the wedding (therefore ending your friendship) over a dress.

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice! I called her yesterday and before I could even bring things up, she told me that she is planning on going to get her dress on Wednesday. Hopefully it is still available... if not then I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe it makes me a Witch, but I want my bridesmaids' dresses all to match and since she waited so long to get it, if it's not there I just don't know what I can do.
Posted by kevans0604[/QUOTE]
Just stay out of it and let her figure it out.  Either she gets the dress or she's out.  If she doesn't manage to get it, you could also have her get a different but similar dress - even with matching BM dresses the MOH sometimes has a different dress in order to stand out, and she's the MOH so that could work.

CA2MT4EveR

You need to realize that your wedding is nobody's priority but your own.  If people have opportunities that happen to coincide with your wedding, it is a possibility that they choose their opportunity as a priority over your wedding, even if they are supposed to be your BFF and a member of your WP.

artemis82

I once again tend to disagree with the majority on this one in one serious respect. OP's friend sounds like she's really not being a very good friend at all. Sometimes we need to give things up to be there for our friends, and a wedding is a HUGE deal, especially for the friend getting married.  Now the details of this "opportunity" will make the difference in whether this should take priority or not, but I think that unless this is truly a once in a lifetime opportunity that is incredibly important to the friend, that it is pretty unfair of her to bail on you.  First of all, the cavalier attitude that it's not a big deal if she shows or not is wrong- that shows a complete lack of respect for the OP. If this is honestly such a wonderful opportunity and she must do this trip, then she should give you the curteousy of letting you know. It isn't a small deal to change things around with vendors (although for the most part a lot of notice isn't required) and for her not to respect your time in planning this wedding or your money should she flake last minute, then I think that shows a serious failing on the friend's part. 

Only you can decide based on the information you are given about this opportunity whether this is truly a friendship failure. My guess is there might be something else going on. I won't touch the kicking a BM out issue, as I'm sure you'll hear enough about that to last a lifetime. 

xoxob

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b35a3325-e0d5-43a9-a122-fb445315d5a1Post:71526f78-6ca7-49be-b4e5-df2dece4e990">Re: Need some advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I once again tend to disagree with the majority on this one in one serious respect. OP's friend sounds like she's really not being a very good friend at all. Sometimes we need to give things up to be there for our friends, and a wedding is a HUGE deal, especially for the friend getting married.  Now the details of this "opportunity" will make the difference in whether this should take priority or not, but I think that unless this is truly a once in a lifetime opportunity that is incredibly important to the friend, that it is pretty unfair of her to bail on you.  First of all, the cavalier attitude that it's not a big deal if she shows or not is wrong- that shows a complete lack of respect for the OP. If this is honestly such a wonderful opportunity and she must do this trip, then she should give you the curteousy of letting you know. It isn't a small deal to change things around with vendors (although for the most part a lot of notice isn't required) and for her not to respect your time in planning this wedding or your money should she flake last minute, then I think that shows a serious failing on the friend's part.  Only you can decide based on the information you are given about this opportunity whether this is truly a friendship failure. My guess is there might be something else going on. I won't touch the kicking a BM out issue, as I'm sure you'll hear enough about that to last a lifetime. 
Posted by 9135651983885378[/QUOTE]

The opportunity to go abroad and do grant work? That sounds like a pretty prospect. It also sounds like something the OP's MOH can control when it comes to timing.

I think it sounds like her MOH is doing all that she can to communicate and her lack of communication was probably a result of nerves because she didn't want to tell OP she may have to miss the wedding.

If she does have to miss the wedding to do GRANT WORK, not just take a trip, no one is saying that OP doesn't have a right to be bummed. At the same time - if the MOH is really your dearest and nearest friend, shouldn't you be a good friend and be excited for the good things in their lives, the same way you would want them to be excited for the wedding.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b35a3325-e0d5-43a9-a122-fb445315d5a1Post:71526f78-6ca7-49be-b4e5-df2dece4e990">Re: Need some advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I once again tend to disagree with the majority on this one in one serious respect. OP's friend sounds like she's really not being a very good friend at all. Sometimes we need to give things up to be there for our friends, and a wedding is a HUGE deal, especially for the friend getting married.  Now the details of this "opportunity" will make the difference in whether this should take priority or not, but I think that unless this is truly a once in a lifetime opportunity that is incredibly important to the friend, that it is pretty unfair of her to bail on you.  First of all, the cavalier attitude that it's not a big deal if she shows or not is wrong- that shows a complete lack of respect for the OP. <strong>If this is honestly such a wonderful opportunity and she must do this trip, then she should give you the curteousy of letting you know. It isn't a small deal to change things around with vendors (although for the most part a lot of notice isn't required) and for her not to respect your time in planning this wedding or your money should she flake last minute, then I think that shows a serious failing on the friend's part.</strong>  Only you can decide based on the information you are given about this opportunity whether this is truly a friendship failure. My guess is there might be something else going on. I won't touch the kicking a BM out issue, as I'm sure you'll hear enough about that to last a lifetime. 
Posted by 9135651983885378[/QUOTE]

OP's wedding is in July. More than 2.5 months is plenty of time to let the florist and caterers know about the change in headcount. This is not flaking last minute. It sounds like this is a great opportunity for the MOH, and she's trying to get the details figured out ASAP so that she can hopefully be in the wedding.