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Self-Selected MOH - LONG.........

I am having a small wedding with 62 guests.  I didn't want a big wedding party because of the small wedding. I asked a childhood friend (BFF) to be my only attendant. I have another close friend who lost her mom at 18 and really considers my parents to be her parents, so we're very close too. She is like a little sister to me.  

I am a wedding planner, so I want a very simple and fun wedding. I don't want it to be a production, hence the lack of a big wedding party.  I asked my BFF to stand up for me because she is responsible and very thorough.  She graciously agreed. 

So I didn't talk to my little sis a whole lot about the wedding at first because she seemed a little disinterested.  She finally started talking to me about the wedding when she found out I didn't want bridesmaids.  Thus, she decided that she was my MOH since she is my lil sister.  I immediately tell my real MOH about the brewing crisis since we all know each other well.  Real MOH says she will step aside and take another role in my wedding because she doesn't want to see us have to "sedate" little sister if she doesn't get to stand up for me. Her reaction to the scenario is why I choose her to stand up for me.  She promised that she will support me and manage SS-MOH to make sure she doesn't get in mover her head. (she tends to have great ideas and sometimes flake in the execution stage.  Can you say disaster waiting to happen for my wedding?)

Long story short, self-selected MOH is over the moon about her role and is allegedly working on shower concepts.  I know that Real MOH (who is now my Personal Attendant) will make sure that the shower is great. 

SS-MOH has a great vintage dress that matches my wedding colors perfectly and will be lovely for the wedding, so that is her BM dress.  I found an amazing dress for my Personal Attendant.  I am going to have a similar set of jewelry desinged for the Personal Attendant so that she shines on my wedding day.  

How do I highlight my Personal Attendant at the wedding in a prominent way, but doesn't slight my little sister?  I think that I want her to wear a lovely wrist corsage and also give a toast at the reception.  We are not having a rehaearsal dinner.  Are there other things I can do to shine light on her for all that she is doing for me?
Anniversary

Re: Self-Selected MOH - LONG.........

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    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    What you should have done was leave your friend as MOH and tell your sister the truth.

    It was really wrong to demote your friend to Personal Attendant just because you didn't have the courage to tell your sister to back off. You should have co-Maids of Honor, because kicking your sister out at this point would also be wrong. That would be the proper way to honor her, instead of expecting her to take responsibility for your mess.
    image
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    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_self-selected-moh-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b77e8549-38ac-4451-8533-d26a9a02bf9cPost:7ecca2ec-0546-45e2-9b90-0d8bbb999aca">Self-Selected MOH - LONG.........</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am having a small wedding with 62 guests.  I didn't want a big wedding party because of the small wedding. I asked a childhood friend (BFF) to be my only attendant. I have another close friend who lost her mom at 18 and really considers my parents to be her parents, so we're very close too. She is like a little sister to me.   I am a wedding planner, so I want a very simple and fun wedding. I don't want it to be a production, hence the lack of a big wedding party.  I asked my BFF to stand up for me because she is responsible and very thorough.  She graciously agreed.  So I didn't talk to my little sis a whole lot about the wedding at first because she seemed a little disinterested.  She finally started talking to me about the wedding when she found out I didn't want bridesmaids.  Thus, she decided that she was my MOH since she is my lil sister.  I immediately tell my real MOH about the brewing crisis since we all know each other well.  Real MOH says she will step aside and take another role in my wedding because she doesn't want to see us have to "sedate" little sister if she doesn't get to stand up for me. Her reaction to the scenario is why I choose her to stand up for me.  She promised that she will support me and manage SS-MOH to make sure she doesn't get in mover her head. (she tends to have great ideas and sometimes flake in the execution stage.  Can you say disaster waiting to happen for my wedding?) Long story short, self-selected MOH is over the moon about her role and is allegedly working on shower concepts.  I know that Real MOH (who is now my Personal Attendant) will make sure that the shower is great.  SS-MOH has a great vintage dress that matches my wedding colors perfectly and will be lovely for the wedding, so that is her BM dress.  I found an amazing dress for my Personal Attendant.  I am going to have a similar set of jewelry desinged for the Personal Attendant so that she shines on my wedding day.   How do I highlight my Personal Attendant at the wedding in a prominent way, but doesn't slight my little sister?  I think that I want her to wear a lovely wrist corsage and also give a toast at the reception.  We are not having a rehaearsal dinner.  Are there other things I can do to shine light on her for all that she is doing for me?
    Posted by mikimoto6[/QUOTE]
    image
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_self-selected-moh-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b77e8549-38ac-4451-8533-d26a9a02bf9cPost:b21b744c-b46a-439b-b752-23a72618f2b4">Re: Self-Selected MOH - LONG.........</a>:
    [QUOTE]What you should have done was leave your friend as MOH and tell your sister the truth. It was really wrong to demote your friend to Personal Attendant just because you didn't have the courage to tell your sister to back off. You should have co-Maids of Honor, because kicking your sister out at this point would also be wrong. That would be the proper way to honor her, instead of expecting her to take responsibility for your mess.
    Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

    Agree with this completely!
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    Does your little sister make all the decisions in your life for you?
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    For clarification, I did not demote my BFF. She offered to step aside because of the potential fallout from little sister who has a history of battling depression.  BFF is a clinical psychologist by profession and thought it best to let little sister have the role vs. running the risk of this scenario triggering a manic state for her.  That being said, she opted to support me in other ways for the wedding, host my shower and do anything else I needed.
    The reason that I do not have co-maids is because FI and I agreed to only have one attendant each.  That is why I only asked one person in the first place.

    Long story short, I am not mean, cowardly, or incapable of making my own decisions.  I merely asked for ways to honor a great friend who giving an incredible gift to me.  If you don't have an answer to that question, I ask that you save your hate mail.
    Anniversary
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    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited May 2011
    The proper way to honor and thank her is to make her a co-Maid of Honor along with your sister.

    Otherwise, no, there's really no nice way to accept her "resignation" and let her do work for your wedding while denying her the MOH title. There's nothing at all standing in the way of you having two attendants except yourself ... and, really, pretending that you can only have one MOH while calling your friend the "Personal Attendant" is just ridiculous, since she's essentially the MOH without the title. It's just splitting hairs at this point.  

    Just have two Maids of Honor, for Pete's sake.
    image
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_self-selected-moh-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b77e8549-38ac-4451-8533-d26a9a02bf9cPost:6e729059-efa0-4c92-84c0-f9875d09a4ad">Re: Self-Selected MOH - LONG.........</a>:
    [QUOTE]Long story short, I am not mean, cowardly, or incapable of making my own decisions.  I merely asked for ways to honor a great friend who giving an incredible gift to me.  If you don't have an answer to that question, I ask that you save your hate mail.
    Posted by mikimoto6[/QUOTE]

    I love that you put this.  I have noticed when I post looking for advice I often get some really mean replies that have nothing to do with the question I asked.  Sometime I think that people just like to be mean.

    My advice for you is to include your friend in your program, have her do a reading, get her a really nice corsage and a gift, have her sit with you at the reception...  I agree that it would be simpler to just include her as a MOH.  You could even have them come down the aisle together.  They don't have to dress the same, and since your wedding is so small and personal, I am sure everyone there would know what is going on.  Kate Middleton had a ton of attendents and Prince William only had one! 

    Or just do away with attendants.  Don't have either sister or friend walk down the aisle.  Tell your sister that the title is "honorary" and that you won't have any 'maids.  Of course, you would have to say this very nicely or else you could hurt some feelings.  Tell her your vision for the wedding as being old-fashioned or something (in the old days women only had children as bridesmaids, hence the term "maids").  

    Good luck!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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    That is one awesome BFF.  I don't have any ideas for you, and it is a shame your little sister has manipulated the situation by making herself the MOH.  Does she do things like this a lot?

    I honestly think the best thing you can do is to honor behind the scenes.  Have a mani/pedi day.  You could also give her the kind of gift you would have if she was your MOH.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_self-selected-moh-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b77e8549-38ac-4451-8533-d26a9a02bf9cPost:6507b123-2dd5-4b95-9b06-3add294545cb">Re: Self-Selected MOH - LONG.........</a>:
    [QUOTE]My advice for you is to include your friend in your program, have her do a reading, get her a really nice corsage and a gift, have her sit with you at the reception...  I agree that it would be simpler to just include her as a MOH.  You could even have them come down the aisle together.  They don't have to dress the same, and since your wedding is so small and personal, I am sure everyone there would know what is going on.   Or just do away with attendants.  Don't have either sister or friend walk down the aisle.  Tell your sister that the title is "honorary" and that you won't have any 'maids.  Of course, you would have to say this very nicely or else you could hurt some feelings.  Tell her your vision for the wedding as being old-fashioned or something (in the old days women only had children as bridesmaids, hence the term "maids").   Good luck!
    Posted by Davesgrl2011[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>hmm.  i think while good-intentioned, this will get you into trouble because it doesn't sound like it's what you REALLY want.  i've found when i agree to something i don't really want just to spare someone else's feelings, it always comes back to bite me in the end, especially if i feel the need to explain my decision to anyone (not that you have to but still.)</div><div>
    </div><div>you can be assertive and still be gracious - tell your SSMOH you want to include BOTH her and your BFF after all, and you would feel honored if they would both stand up with you as MOH's.....you need both of them standing next to you on your big day.  end of story.</div><div>
    </div><div>keep it simple, don't make a big deal over it or go into the whole story about how you asked her in the first place, and then treat them with equal importance going forward.

    </div><div>OP i also agree it's not helpful when you post a question and people just tell you that you've made a mistake!  it's not like you can go back in time and undo it!  if you could, you wouldn't be asking the question!!!</div><div>
    </div><div>anyhoo.  good luck.</div>
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