Family issues with bridal party...thoughts/advice?

cereom

Hello brides! Thanks in advance for listening this has bee

Here it goes....I am number 6 of 7 children and significantly younger than my older siblings. My older sister, is 10 years older than me and has three children. Those 3 are only 3 of my 18 nieces and nephews. I am closer with her children to be honest.

Since before my engagement even, my sister told her children they would be in my wedding party ( I truthfully never  thought this was fair to all of my other nieces and nephews). Upon calling to congratulate me on my engagement my sister said " The kids are picking out their dresses for their bridesmaid and flower girl outfits"...I had never formally asked anyone to be in my bridal party yet at all at this point I had been engaged only 3 days! She kept sending me dresses via email the girls had picked out ( and just saying doesn't the BRIDE pick and not the 11 year olds???) and I would politley respond that "I haven't really gotten anything planned yet".

Now fast forward 2 months...fiance and I compiled a list an have 225 guests(a little more than we can afford as it is)...and between the 2 of us we had 35 children and it is a night wedding with open bar in nyc and most people are coming in and staying in hotels. After deliberation on the cost as well as appropriateness of the children; we have decided not to have them. I told my sister gently and explained our reasoning, who said she understood completely, big relief! Until....

A couple of weeks ago...I formally sent lovely letters and invites to my bridal party (5 friends and 2 sisters) inviting them to lunch at my apartment. All dear friends and my younger sister and older sister. Well all graciously accepted and are excited and happy about it; in fact all called me as soon as they got the letters to say how sweet they were,,,well my older sister; 2 weeks later EMAILED me, to tell me she had to decline because her oldest daughter is too devastated about not being in the wedding (she is 11) and it would not be fair for her to parade around with the bridal party!! I was crushed. What sister says no? I was her maid of honor....I thought she understood???

Am I wrong? My fiance says she is being crazy but I feel sad and confused about the whole situation. 

Many thanks for your points of view.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_family-issues-bridal-partythoughtsadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b96b8a7c-f918-45a1-930d-6d534d4d51d1Post:9a72ff5b-0b23-4cbe-ba75-d8ba00276be8">Family issues with bridal party...thoughts/advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello brides! Thanks in advance for listening this has bee Here it goes....I am number 6 of 7 children and significantly younger than my older siblings. My older sister, is 10 years older than me and has three children. Those 3 are only 3 of my 18 nieces and nephews . I am closer with her children to be honest. Since before my engagement even, my sister told her children they would be in my wedding party ( I truthfully never  thought this was fair to all of my other nieces and nephews). Upon calling to congratulate me on my engagement my sister said " The kids are picking out their dresses for their bridesmaid and flower girl outfits"...I had never formally asked anyone to be in my bridal party yet at all at this point I had been engaged only 3 days! She kept sending me dresses via email the girls had picked out ( and just saying doesn't the BRIDE pick and not the 11 year olds???) and I would politley respond that "I haven't really gotten anything planned yet". Now fast forward 2 months...fiance and I compiled a list an have 225 guests(a little more than we can afford as it is)...and between the 2 of us we had 35 children and it is a night wedding with open bar in nyc and most people are coming in and staying in hotels. After deliberation on the cost as well as appropriateness of the children; we have decided not to have them. I told my sister gently and explained our reasoning, who said she understood completely, big relief! Until.... A couple of weeks ago...I formally sent lovely letters and invites to my bridal party (5 friends and 2 sisters) inviting them to lunch at my apartment. All dear friends and my younger sister and older sister. Well all graciously accepted and are excited and happy about it; in fact all called me as soon as they got the letters to say how sweet they were,,,well my older sister; 2 weeks later EMAILED me, to tell me she had to decline because her oldest daughter is too devastated about not being in the wedding (she is 11) and it would not be fair for her to parade around with the bridal party!! I was crushed. What sister says no? I was her maid of honor....I thought she understood??? Am I wrong? My fiance says she is being crazy but I feel sad and confused about the whole situation.  Many thanks for your points of view.
Posted by cereom[/QUOTE]

Beachy730

Have you ever (even before the engagement) said anything to this sister about including her children in your wedding?  Even if you had said it years ago she may have figured it was still a valid invite.  If you never said anything though then that was very rude of your sister to assume her kids were in it, and even worse to tell them they were in it without you asking them.  And her laying a guilt trip on you by declining because of her daughter isn't right either. 

I would call her and try to talk with her about the situation.  Explain it to her, tell her how you feel, and see how it goes.  She might be more hurt by the fact that you aren't inviting her kids to the wedding though.  My mom is the oldest of 8 kids so I have 18 cousins (as young as age 2) and there was no way I would have not invited them to my wedding.  And if for some reason I didn't invite them, there would have been many hurt feelings in my family, and probably hard feelings from my aunts.  I would just talk to her and see what you can do.

heyimbren

Yes, it's disappointing but it isn't a requirement to be a BM. I don't think there's anything you can really do besides accept it and move on. She'll still be at the wedding and she can still be involved in wedding stuff if she wants, without being a BM. If that's how she wants to respond to her daughter's disappointment, then I think you need to accept it. But I do understand that you're disappointed by it.

cereom

Thank you...yes I mean I think this is also the difficulty of having a big family.

I have 60 cousins between the fiance and I!! I am inviting all of them; just nieces and nephews I wanted to leave out. They are young, and I just have to draw the line somewhere.

mbcdefg

You extended her an invitation to be a bridesmaid. She has the right to say no.

That being said, I agree that I'd be disappointed. And if she just assumed that her kids would be in/at the wedding, and if you truly never did anything to lead her on that her kids could participate, then that's her own fault for assuming.

Just let it go. Maybe she will reconsider. If not, it's really not a huge deal.

mysticl

You said that when your sister told you stuff about the kids being in the wedding and sent you pictures you told her that you hadn't planned anything yet.  You didn't say "no", you didn't say "we aren't having kids in the wedding", you let her and the kids go on beliving that they would be in the wedding.  And to find out that not only are they not in the wedding they aren't even invited, I'm not suprised some of them feel rejected.  Kids don't get price per person, or maximum capacity, they just know that Aunt Cereom doesn't want them there.  Now your sister is balancing being happy for you and being supportive of her kids.  She absolutely should not have made assumptions or told the kids they were in the wedding without you asking but it really does look like you let her believe it to be the truth.  Unless there is something you didn't include in the original post. 

megk8oz

I think it was incredibly wrong of your sister to go around telling her kids they were in your wedding before you were even engaged ... but you probably should have made an effort to set her straight by telling her "We're not thinking about that kind of thing yet" or at least tell her to stop telling the kids things like that.  Still, even without any kind of "warning" it was very wrong of her to assume and even worse to drag the kids into her delusions.

I do agree with PP that said 11 is definitely old enough to be upset about something like this, especially if her mother had been saying "You're going to be a bridesmaid" and had her picking out dresses long before you got a ring on your finger ... but I also have family members that are incredibly manipulative, so I have to wonder: is mom more upset about it than the kids and using their feelings as leverage to get her way?

Either way, reasons why aside, an invitation is not a subpoena: any person you ask to be in your WP or invite to the wedding is allowed to decline. So with your sister, I'd just let it go, but leave the option open to still be in the WP if she changes her mind later on.