Wedding Party
Options

Groomsmen swap?

Shortly after we got engaged, my FI asked one of his good guy friends to be his groomsman.  At the time we were hanging out with him and other assorted friends at least once a week and at a year out, he didn't have much we expected of him for the wedding.  Now it's just over two months out, we've each moved twenty minutes in opposite directions across town so we don't get to hang out but maybe once a month.  We haven't heard from him at all in near a month and we've given him that much time to get himself measured for his tux.  My FI has tried to text and call him many times in the past week to encourage him to get measured but to no avail.  Now my FI's is considering giving this guy two more weeks to get measured before he tells him not to worry about the wedding at all.  We do have a freind currently recruited as an usher who could easily take up the role of groomsman. 

I know it's never good to go back on this kind of offer, but we don't want our wedding drug down and more stress added by a slacker groomsman. 

PS I would ask the best man to help with this, but he also moved about the same time, but two hours away so it's a little harder for him to help with this (he has gone to get measured and has only ever been helpful)

Re: Groomsmen swap?

  • Options
    It won't add stress unless you let it.  It's not okay to kick out a wedding party member.  Let him know the last date he can get measured where the shop will still be able to have his tux ready on time, then stop bothering him.  If he gets it, he's in the wedding and if he doesn't, he's dropped out.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmen-swap?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ba588a70-14a5-46c6-a824-7210ed38d01dPost:6c9b2fa9-f4a0-4e01-ac44-a93270512215">Groomsmen swap?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Shortly after we got engaged, my FI asked one of his good guy friends to be his groomsman.  At the time we were hanging out with him and other assorted friends at least once a week and at a year out, he didn't have much we expected of him for the wedding.  Now it's just over two months out, we've each moved twenty minutes in opposite directions across town so we don't get to hang out but maybe once a month.  We haven't heard from him at all in near a month and we've given him that much time to get himself measured for his tux.  My FI has tried to text and call him many times in the past week to encourage him to get measured but to no avail.  Now my FI's is considering giving this guy two more weeks to get measured before he tells him not to worry about the wedding at all.  We do have a freind currently recruited as an usher who could easily take up the role of groomsman.  I know it's never good to go back on this kind of offer, but we don't want our wedding drug down and more stress added by a slacker groomsman.  PS I would ask the best man to help with this, but he also moved about the same time, but two hours away so it's a little harder for him to help with this (he has gone to get measured and has only ever been helpful)
    Posted by amyg25[/QUOTE]

    This will only stress you if you let it.  People have things going on outside your wedding and while it would be nice, yes, if he'd do things according to your personal preference of timeline, this doesn't always happen. Especially with guys. Your Fi should give his friend the final date for tux measurements to be submitted and then back off on it - nobody likes to feel smothered. Then, put it out of your minds and relax as best you can with 2 months to go. Trust that FI's friend won't leave him hanging. If he doesn't end up getting his tux, then he's removed himself from the WP and while that sucks, it's not the end of the world and your wedding will go on and you will be just as married at the end of the day. Don't promote anyone or demote the current guy - GM is not a job or a role in a play. It's meant to be an honor to a friend or family member. So if he steps down, don't replace him. But I have a feeling he won't do that to you guys - especially if he was a close enough friend for your FI to have asked him to be in the wedding in the first place.
    Bottom line - chill.
    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
  • Options
    edited June 2010
    You shouldn't be asking anything because you shouldn't be involved. This is a FI/GM issue...not a bride issue. Also, guys don't have to get measured for tuxes until a week before the wedding usually. For this they will have to pay a rush fee but that's on them.

    Have your FI give this guy a final deadline to get fitted. If he doesn't than he took himself out of the wedding. Don't replace him. Sides can be uneven; this is very normal and common. Replacing him will show him that he is easily replaced and will tell the replacement that they are sloppy seconds.
    Anniversary
  • Options
    LD1970LD1970 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    You're wedding isn't 'til September.  He has until late August to get measured.  Stop bugging him.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  • Options
    You're overreacting.

    If he gets the tux (which he probably will - getting measured does not take two months), he's a groomsman. If not, then he's not a groomsman, and you go on with whoever you have left.

    Asking someone else to "step in" is insulting to both of them. And there's absolutely no reason why'd you need someone to "step in" anyway.

    Chill out.
    image
  • Options
    I have nothing more to add than to tell you to listen to all of the ladies who responded above.  They've given you great advice.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Options
    My BIL, the BM, didn't get measured for his tux until a week before the wedding, one week after the deadline.  He paid the rush fee and showed up just fine.  He had lots of stuff going on at work and a two year old at home--he didn't have the time.  It wasn't a comment on his support of the marriage and that's not the case here either.

    This is one of those things that isn't worth worrying about, so you need to stop worrying.  One surefire way to piss off your WP is to micromanage them, and this is micromanaging him.
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • Options
    Most guys don't do things until the last minute.  Don't worry about it yet.
  • Options
    I agree that most guys don't see the need to rush about wedding things but I understand your concern. I know everyone says "Well if he doesn't get his tux then he's removed himself from the wedding party" and that's better than kicking him out BUT you need to get programs printed way before then. If he's not going to show up to the weddding then you have a groomsman listed who isn't even in the wedding (and who you most likely wont be friends with anymore if he flakes on your wedding). Maybe it's just me, but I would have a problem with that.

    My best advice is that if you haven't heard from him by the time you go to get your programs printed, then he isn't be in the wedding party. 

    Good luck! 
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmen-swap?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ba588a70-14a5-46c6-a824-7210ed38d01dPost:e736a17b-5c1e-4c2b-9b60-2d20ce0c964f">Re: Groomsmen swap?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree that most guys don't see the need to rush about wedding things but I understand your concern. I know everyone says "Well if he doesn't get his tux then he's removed himself from the wedding party" and that's better than kicking him out BUT you need to get programs printed way before then. If he's not going to show up to the weddding then you have a groomsman listed who isn't even in the wedding (and who you most likely wont be friends with anymore if he flakes on your wedding). Maybe it's just me, but I would have a problem with that. My best advice is that if you haven't heard from him by the time you go to get your programs printed, then he isn't be in the wedding party.  Good luck! 
    Posted by mbarnhart[/QUOTE]

    Honestly, her FI should be worryign more about the friendship with his GM - which will inevitably suffer, possibly irreparably, if they kick the guy out - more so than perfect programs. Friendships are more important than programs being perfect.
    People get listed in programs and then can't end up being in the wedding - due to unexpected deployments, babies being born early or later than expected in the case of pregnant WP members / their spouses; family issues, etc. It happens. It's NOT the end of the world OR justification for telling someone they're out of the WP.
    But, the bottom line here is that OP has time still and is worrying prematurely over this. And her FI needs to stop micromanaging the GM. Give the guy the last date to order the tux (accorinding to the shop) and drop it. Assume the best of your friends, not the worst and trust they won't let you down. Let it go.

    And like others have said, the guy technically could wait for like 2 weeks before the wedding to get his tux and be just fine.
    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
  • Options
    If your wedding can be dragged down by someone not getting measured for an outfit over two months in advance, you're focusing on the wrong things.
  • Options
    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited June 2010
    The programs don't really matter.  DH's brother didn't come to the wedding.  We knew he wasn't going to make it, but he was listed as a groomsman anyway.  And you know what?  Hardly anyone even TOOK the programs, let alone noticed that there were eleven names listed and ten people up front.  Programs can also be done, like, the day before the wedding (ours were), so if it's about the program, put that off until closer when you know one way or another.

    He hasn't "failed to get his tux" until the deadline has, ya know, passed.  I know our guys had until two weeks before the wedding to get measured.  I honestly don't think DH himself had been measured at two months to go, let alone the other guys.

    Relax.  Even if this were your problem (it's not, FI's attendants are his responsibility), it's not a problem.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Options
    I'll just add that her wedding is in October, not September, so he has THREE months before he needs to be fitted.  

    OP- Just relax.  You probably don't realize it but you are giving him the same deadline that my groomsmen had for my July wedding.

    It may be a money issue.  Did you ask him his budget before you decided on a tux?  If he recently moved, he might be strapped for cash and is worried about paying the deposit.
    My Grandparents on their wedding day.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    bio
    Repeat this to your self: My Wedding Party is made of my family and friends and I should treat them as such.
  • Options
    If the programs are printed with his name in it and he drops out, you can say to anyone who comments on it, "Oh, he unfortunately couldn't make it."

    Not only do I doubt anyone would press you for more details, but I highly doubt anyone would question you about this (or even notice it) in the first place. People who know who he is would probably know that he didn't follow through with getting the tux, and people who have never met him before wouldn't give a crap anyway.
    image
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmen-swap?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ba588a70-14a5-46c6-a824-7210ed38d01dPost:e736a17b-5c1e-4c2b-9b60-2d20ce0c964f">Re: Groomsmen swap?</a>:
    [QUOTE]you need to get programs printed way before then. If he's not going to show up to the weddding then you have a groomsman listed who isn't even in the wedding  Maybe it's just me, but I would have a problem with that. Posted by mbarnhart[/QUOTE]

    One of our groomsmen is an offensive line coach for USC. They have a home game that day and he can't take off. He's FI's really good friend and we know he won't be able to make it to the ceremony. He's still in the program and he's getting his GM gift. It doesn't matter what is on paper. It's about your friendship.

    You understand that a program is a piece of paper that will be thrown away immediately after the ceremony right? Yep, you're the only one that has a "problem" with this and chooses a piece of paper over a friendship.
    Anniversary
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmen-swap?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ba588a70-14a5-46c6-a824-7210ed38d01dPost:051f95bf-74cd-49d6-b6c2-91b11d984b0e">Re: Groomsmen swap?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groomsmen swap? : One of our groomsmen is an offensive line coach for USC. They have a home game that day and he can't take off. He's FI's really good friend and we know he won't be able to make it to the ceremony. He's still in the program and he's getting his GM gift. It doesn't matter what is on paper. It's about your friendship. You understand that a program is a piece of paper that will be thrown away immediately after the ceremony right? Yep, you're the only one that has a "problem" with this and chooses a piece of paper over a friendship.
    Posted by suz62984[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think it's a little different if you KNOW he's not going to show up and are planning around that. I absolutely think that you should still include someone who is overseas, a coach, etc. What I'm saying is that if someone is <strong>BLATANTLY</strong> ignoring my calls/refusing to get their tux, I would not want to list them since they are obviously not a good friend. </div><div>
    </div><div>And when did I ever say I was picking a program over a friendship? That is so stupid to even suggest.</div>
  • Options
    I should add that DH's brother didn't come because he refused all offers to help pay his way to the wedding...  then suddenly didn't have the money.  He also claimed that he had to work that weekend, then later admitted that he didn't.  Oh yeah, and he owes DH a couple grand for bail money.

    Still was listed on the program.

    It's only a big deal if the bride makes it one, because the bride's the only person who cares.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards