Wedding Party

Friendship basically done, but hasnt pulled out of WP...what to do?

Last night one of our ushers and FI had a disagreement rather publicly on Facebook. In the ensuing war of words, the usher defriended FI. The wedding is in a little over two months and I can only assume that they likely will not want to participate in the wedding. With the deadline looming to print the programs and get in measurements, I don't know if we should approach the subject or wait for them to make a decision?

Re: Friendship basically done, but hasnt pulled out of WP...what to do?

  • edited August 2012
    Stay out of it.  This is your FI's decision.  I also wouldn't expect FB arguments to end friendships but kicking someone out of a wedding will.
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  • This is your FI's issue. Also, FYI, getting your ushers to rent tuxes for your wedding? I hope you're paying for it.
  • Ahhh.  FB strikes again.  Just give it some time and see where the relationship is when it comes down to the actual deadline. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friendship-basically-done-but-hasnt-pulled-out-of-wpwhat-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:bc7652e7-43ca-4ead-9b81-96de6f35f023Post:06484ce7-b205-4cd5-be0c-03533e1b1fe0">Re: Friendship basically done, but hasnt pulled out of WP...what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is your FI's issue. Also, FYI, getting your ushers to rent tuxes for your wedding? I hope you're paying for it.
    Posted by LittleMissCutiePie[/QUOTE]

    Sorry, but genuinely confused here. So, all other guests, including groomsmen and bridesmaids are responsible for their own attire but the ushers have a free pass? (I'm English and the bridesmaids paying for their own was a new one on me, so just trying to get this straight).

    OP, this is for your FI to handle. If they don't make up, I'm sure the friend will bow out of the wedding. Just make sure your FI knows the deadline for programs etc if thats important to you - men can sometimes have a way of ignoring problems and hoping they go away.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friendship-basically-done-but-hasnt-pulled-out-of-wpwhat-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bc7652e7-43ca-4ead-9b81-96de6f35f023Post:06484ce7-b205-4cd5-be0c-03533e1b1fe0">Re: Friendship basically done, but hasnt pulled out of WP...what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is your FI's issue. Also, FYI, getting your ushers to rent tuxes for your wedding? I hope you're paying for it.
    Posted by LittleMissCutiePie[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yes, they will be renting tuxes.  No, we are not paying for it.  They are part of the wedding party, it is there responsibility, if they choose to participate, to purchase or rent the appropriate clothing.</div><div>
    </div><div>Hopefully the issue will work itself out.  Personally, this friend is declaring the friendship dead and over, but I would not formally kick them out. Neither FI nor I would do that as we know the consequences when it comes to WP.  *sigh*</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friendship-basically-done-but-hasnt-pulled-out-of-wpwhat-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bc7652e7-43ca-4ead-9b81-96de6f35f023Post:06484ce7-b205-4cd5-be0c-03533e1b1fe0">Re: Friendship basically done, but hasnt pulled out of WP...what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is your FI's issue. Also, FYI, getting your ushers to rent tuxes for your wedding? I hope you're paying for it.
    Posted by LittleMissCutiePie[/QUOTE]

    Also genuinely confused...my experience has always been what the OP said, that ushers are part of the wedding party and traditionally pay for their own attire?  I'm not having ushers, but I'm curious if I was wrong about that.
  • Of course ushers rent tuxes.  They're wedding party.
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  • I agree with everyone else and say just keep out of it and protect yourself as much as possible from unnecessary stress.  Even if this guy doesn't bow out, I'm sure that he and your FI can be adults for one day and not get into it at the wedding. 

    And as far as ushers getting a free pass and everyone else in the WP having to pay for their dresses/tuxes, that's not fair.  I feel that since being in a wedding party is optional and not an obligation in any way, shape or form, people know that traditionally, they will be paying for their dresses/tuxes.  It's simple; if someone knows or is afraid they may not be able to commit to being in a WP, it is their responsibility as an adult to step up and say so. 
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  • Stay out of it.

    But why did your FI keep going back and forth with him over Facebook? Why didn't he just shut off the computer and ignore any petty drama, or pick up the phone and call him if there was an issue that needed to be discussed so badly?
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  • It just happened last night. Give it some time to let cooler head prevail. Maybe everything will work itself work. Just a generalization, but men tend to get over fights between friends easier.
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  • Frequently ushers just wear suits or the nicest things they already have, which is why I think some people are confused about why they would be in tuxes.  I think that's a regional thing.

    I also had some experience with stupid FB drama leading up to the wedding, between DH and my brother.  Since it was my brother, I had no problem stepping in and calling him out for his part in it, and it got worked out.  But in your case, since it's so close to the wedding and not someone it sounds like you're connected to, I'd leave it alone.  If your FI wants to reach out to the guy and try to make amends (even if it's just for the sake of the wedding and he doesn't feel like actually reconciling), that's up to him.  

    I'd go ahead and put him in the programs.  People don't really read them anyway, and I'm sure that no one will notice that there's one extra name under the ushers.  (BIL didn't attend, but we still listed him as a groomsman even though we knew in advance.)  That way you don't have to worry about that one.  Then, if he doesn't get his measurements in on time, he's removed himself.  But I don't think there's any reason for either of you to step in and try to make a final decision about wedding stuff now, especially with everything so raw.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friendship-basically-done-but-hasnt-pulled-out-of-wpwhat-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bc7652e7-43ca-4ead-9b81-96de6f35f023Post:f914361b-082e-47ef-bb4d-2733a4ee290e">Re: Friendship basically done, but hasnt pulled out of WP...what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Stay out of it. <strong>But why did your FI keep going back and forth with him over Facebook? Why didn't he just shut off the computer and ignore any petty drama, or pick up the phone and call him if there was an issue that needed to be discussed so badly?</strong>
    Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]
    I have to frequently remind DH that Google+ has a mute button for a reason.  Sometimes it's hard to just walk away.
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    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • I agree that it is best to just give this some time.  I'm not trying to make generalizations, but I know that in my own experience, guys tend to brush things off and move past things much more easily than girls.  This person could have been caught up in the heat of the moment when he defriended your FI, and things may be able to be worked out.  I'd let your FI handle it.

    Also, most weddings I have been to, the ushers wear tuxes.  I've also been to some weddings where they just wear a button down shirt with a tie.  Provided they were aware they would be renting tuxes when they agreed to be ushers, I see no problem in having them pay.
  • edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friendship-basically-done-but-hasnt-pulled-out-of-wpwhat-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bc7652e7-43ca-4ead-9b81-96de6f35f023Post:465e4f68-326e-48cf-a5a1-4b87740872db">Re: Friendship basically done, but hasnt pulled out of WP...what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]  Also, most weddings I have been to, the ushers wear tuxes.  I've also been to some weddings where they just wear a button down shirt with a tie.  Provided they were aware they would be renting tuxes when they agreed to be ushers, I see no problem in having them pay.
    Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]

    Exactly...as long as the ushers and not to mention the rest of the wedding party are made aware that they will be paying upon asking them if they would do you the honor of partaking in the whole wedding party shindig, there is nothing wrong with them paying.  As I said above in my other post...these people are adults and if they have any doubts about being able to handle it, it is their responsibility to let you know...not yours and/or your FI's responsibility to try and read their minds and probe them.  If people don't speak up for themselves, that's their issue.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friendship-basically-done-but-hasnt-pulled-out-of-wpwhat-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:bc7652e7-43ca-4ead-9b81-96de6f35f023Post:465e4f68-326e-48cf-a5a1-4b87740872db">Re: Friendship basically done, but hasnt pulled out of WP...what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, most weddings I have been to, the ushers wear tuxes.  I've also been to some weddings where they just wear a button down shirt with a tie.  Provided they were aware they would be renting tuxes when they agreed to be ushers, I see no problem in having them pay.
    Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]

    Same here.  Every wedding, the ushers wore what the GMs wore.  The only difference was that they did not have a bout or if they did it was different and smaller.
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  • It hasn't even been a full 24 hours yet. I would just honestly let them both process it then let them decide
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friendship-basically-done-but-hasnt-pulled-out-of-wpwhat-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bc7652e7-43ca-4ead-9b81-96de6f35f023Post:d08af708-1fc1-471b-9bde-6f7fd6601b4a">Re: Friendship basically done, but hasnt pulled out of WP...what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In my circle, Ushers just wear what they would wear as a wedding guest.  If you want them in tuxes or suits that match the WP, you pay for it.  To me, the idea of having to rent a tux to be an usher is equivalent to buying a BM dress to be a reader.  You aren't being honored in the same way the WP is and you aren't affecting the "look" of the ceremony since you aren't standing at the front for it.  
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>We're honoring all of our WP members equally with a thank you gift, formal introductions at the reception, etc.  Basically our ushers/readers are the spouses or closest friends of ours that we wanted to participate in some way with our day, but also wanted to keep our BM/GM number reasonable.</div><div>
    </div><div>Thanks for all the input.  It appears to be cooling down, but at the time and the subject matter are sensitive.</div>
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