Bridesmaid's MOTHER has an issue with Bridesmaid dresses, LOL - need to vent!

mattycam

Last week I picked out by BM dresses. I had positive reviews from all but one who did not think the dress would be flattering for her (she is big boned). I asked her where on her body she thought the dress would not be flattering and informed her that when selecting the dress, I kept in mind that my BP was different sizes. She kept saying "it's okay" as in don't worry about it. I get a call from her MOTHER a few days later lecturing me on the fact that her daughter is concerned about the style of the dress and the cost if too high (mind you I did not know that my BM had a problem with the cost). Her mother then went on to tell me that I should have got the dressed made instead of bought because it would have been cheaper and they measure according to your size. I told her that I have been in bridal parties where the dresses were well over $200 and I didn't complain if that is what the bride wants and I agree to be in the party, then I go along with it. The dresses I selected are under $200 but with tax put it up to $211.

After speaking with her mother, I text my BM and asked her if she still wanted to be in the BP or if she was having second thoughts because I did not know cost was a concern for her. She called me back saying that her mother was out of line for calling and blew it way out of proportion. She did mention that she had an issue with the style because she was self conscious about the halter straps. She said she would feel more comfortable if she could change the straps to be over the shoulders or one shoulder. I compromised and said okay as long as the dress still looks like the other BM.

This is what bothers me about the whole thing: it is not that my BM had a problem with the style or even the cost because I am a reasonable person and as mentioned above will work with you. It's the fact that her mother took it upon herself to tell me what I should and shouldn't do. Telling me that in this day and time where the economy is tight how I could be going to a bridal store to order dresses and blah blah blah. I did let her know that the other girls did not have a problem with it and had already put down their deposit. It is as if she felt I should change things around to suit her and her daughter. My thing is when you get married you do things the way you want it done, you don't tell people what they should and shouldn't do esepcially when you are not even in the WP or contributing financially to the wedding!!

It really rubbed me the wrong way but I remained as calm as possible when speaking to her because honestly I don't know what she was expecting to come out of this conversation. Again, when you get married or your daughter you guys do things the way you want to do things and leave me be! I just hope they don't have anyone in their party that  is like them!

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-mother-issue-bridesmaid-dresses-lol-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:be85adf2-aa4b-4182-8dd1-aba5bced6191Post:8aa06b0e-9b77-4cf3-aa85-548725365c9b">Bridesmaid's MOTHER has an issue with Bridesmaid dresses, LOL - need to vent!</a>:
[QUOTE]Last week I picked out by BM dresses. I had positive reviews from all but one who did not think the dress would be flattering for her (she is big boned). I asked her where on her body she thought the dress would not be flattering and informed her that when selecting the dress, I kept in mind that my BP was different sizes. She kept saying "it's okay" as in don't worry about it. I get a call from her MOTHER a few days later lecturing me on the fact that her daughter is concerned about the style of the dress and the cost if too high (mind you I did not know that my BM had a problem with the cost). Her mother then went on to tell me that I should have got the dressed made instead of bought because it would have been cheaper and they measure according to your size. I told her that I have been in bridal parties where the dresses were well over $200 and I didn't complain if that is what the bride wants and I agree to be in the party, then I go along with it. The dresses I selected are under $200 but with tax put it up to $211. After speaking with her mother, I text my BM and asked her if she still wanted to be in the BP or if she was having second thoughts because I did not know cost was a concern for her. She called me back saying that her mother was out of line for calling and blew it way out of proportion. She did mention that she had an issue with the style because she was self conscious about the halter straps. She said she would feel more comfortable if she could change the straps to be over the shoulders or one shoulder. I compromised and said okay as long as the dress still looks like the other BM. This is what bothers me about the whole thing: it is not that my BM had a problem with the style or even the cost because I am a reasonable person and as mentioned above will work with you. It's the fact that her mother took it upon herself to tell me what I should and shouldn't do. Telling me that in this day and time where the economy is tight how I could be going to a bridal store to order dresses and blah blah blah. I did let her know that the other girls did not have a problem with it and had already put down their deposit. It is as if she felt I should change things around to suit her and her daughter. My thing is when you get married you do things the way you want it done, you don't tell people what they should and shouldn't do esepcially when you are not even in the WP or contributing financially to the wedding!! It really rubbed me the wrong way but I remained as calm as possible when speaking to her because honestly I don't know what she was expecting to come out of this conversation. Again, when you get married or your daughter you guys do things the way you want to do things and leave me be! I just hope they don't have anyone in their party that  is like them!
Posted by mattycam[/QUOTE]


It sounds to me like the BM had concerns and felt like you were blowing them off.  You shouldn't make anybody wear a dress that makes her uncomfortable.

As for the money, it was your responsibility to ask them all for their budgets BEFORE looking at dresses, and make sure you stayed within it or covered the difference.  The fact that the other girls didn't complain or that you've paid more to be in weddings before is completely irrelevant.

heyimbren

Did you ask each bridesmaid separately for their own individual budget per dress?
Did this BM ever have a chance to try on the dress that's been selected?

I agree with you that it really wasn't her mother's place to phone you, assuming your BM is an adult.

kayboo1218

I would be humiliated if that was my mother. I do think the price was a little high but I have paid more for a BM dress ( and I HATED that dress). However, the bride loved it and I could afford so I just went with it. Unless any of the girls themselves say something I probably wouldn't stress over it.

Just keep your cool if she says anything else. Her daughter is a big girl who can speak for herself if she has any problems.

aerinpegadrak

Ditto that if you didn't ask them for their budgets before you selected something, you were in the wrong.  It doesn't matter if you think it's a reasonable price, you're not the one in charge of their checkbooks.  I have been in the position of the broke bridesmaid, and let me tell you, when you're stealing from the cafeteria because you can't spare $3 for lunch, it's quite a feat to restrain yourself from throttling the bride who talks about how "affordable" her $200 dress is.

emilykathleen511

It was out of line for her mother to call you, but it doesn't sound like the BM asked her mom to do this, so don't hold it against her.

As far as the BM's concerns, they are valid. The first thing you should do before you begin looking for BM dresses is ask each of your BMs privately and individually what their budget is. Then look for a dress that is less than the lowest number. If you would like you can cover the difference between that number and a dress that is more expensive for any girls whose budget was less.

As far as the style, I would never dream of choosing a dress before each of the BMs had tried them on. Plenty of dresses look great on the model or in the catalog, but look terrible on real people. If she has concerns over style, I would set up a shopping trip so her and the others can actually try some dresses on.

mbcdefg

Ditto PPs. You were wrong not to ask the BMs for their budgets before you decided on the dress. The mom was rude to call you.

Talk to all your BMs in private, apologize for selecting a dress without asking their budgets first, and then ask them if they are truly O.K. with the price and you want their honest opinion and you will not be upset with their answer. If it's too much for any of them, either chip in some cash to help out, or select a dress that they can ALL afford.

The reason why you should've asked for their budgets beforehand is this: The problem with saying, "This dress is $XYZ, is that O.K. with you?" is that some girls might feel pressured into saying yes even if they're not O.K. with it, out of fear of disappointing/angering the bride or being labeled the "cheap/biitchy bridesmaid." You said it yourself ... you as a bridesmaid wanted to go along with whatever the bride said, even if you're not really happy with the request. Don't you think your BMs feel the same way? So why would you knowingly put them in a position where they feel obligated to agree to a dress that they may not like or may not be able to afford? That's not a considerate way to treat one's friends, and the fact that a woman's getting married doesn't excuse her from treating her friends the right way.

It doesn't matter what you've paid when YOU were a bridesmaid. Those other brides were wrong if they never asked you what you could afford. It doesn't matter what you think is a reasonable price ... the BMs are the ones who need to pay for it, and everyone's financial situation is different (even if you think you "know" what they can and cannot afford in life).

Talk to all your BMs, apologize for the financial oversight, and then set things right if need be (either by picking a new dress or helping them out with some cash).

Beachy730

The mother had no place calling you, but you also sound like you are very in the wrong here.  Feel free to correct me if I'm getting the wrong ideas from your post though.

1.  You picked this dress out without asking any of your BMs what they were comfortable spending, and without any of them trying it on?  You should take into consideration that you have different sized BMs, and she would have been my first concern with trying on the dress and making sure she was comfortable. 

2.  This BM voiced her concern to you and it kinda sounds like you badgered her that it would be fine until she agreed to it.  She immediately told you she didn't think ti would look flattering on her, and you ignored that.  Sorry, thats were you start to cross the bridezilla line in caring more about the dress your girls are in than them being comfortable.

3.  It makes no difference what you have paid for BM dresses that you have worn.  Yes, every BM dress I wore was over $200, and that was even more reason I was so happy to have my girls get $135 dresses that they loved.  And you said yourself you did it to make the bride happy regardless of how you felt.  So I'm sure you were a little bitter about it.  Why would you want your BMs to feel that way about you?

4.  "compromising" on the dress issue would be letting your BM pick out a different dress in a similar color so that she is comfortable.  Telling her ok i guess you can alter it but it needs to look the same as the other BMs isn't really a compromise.  If she changes her straps from halter to actual straps or one shoulder, then no it won't look like the other BMs.  What will you do then?

5.  Yes, its your wedding and you get say in what you want.  But when you ignore other peoples wishes and feelings  just to have what you want, that is just rude.  This BM has legitimate complaints about this dress, and you are more concerned with having this specific dress.

I think you need to cancel this order, talk to each BM invididually about their budget and desires for the dress (neckline, length, etc.), and go from there.  If your BMs are that different in size, then I highly suggest picking a certain color or certain line and letting them choose their own dress.  Then they can control their comfort and cost.

suz62984

It sounds like she voiced the style concerns with you and you blew them off. You were in the wrong for not asking her budget before the dress was picked. You were in the wrong for not looking for a dress that made everyone comfortable. It is good that you are working with her on the straps; however it doesn't sound like she is still completely on board.

I do think it is way out of line for her mother to call. Pretty sure I would have blessed that woman out and told her to stick the dress up her...well you know. I'm not a fan of all these parents thinking that they can fight the fight for their children now days. Parents calling teachers in college about giving their child a bad grade, calling the employer to check up on interviews, calling their kid's friend to yell at them over a dress...can you say crazy!

mattycam

Hello All,

Thank you for your comments. You are right, I should have brought all the girls together and let them try on the dresses. I also should have asked everyone for an exact number. I mentioned to them that the dress will not exceed $200 but that wasn't very specific. When I found that dress, I have 3 out of 7 girls with me. One of the BM has the same upper body as the other BM that had concerns and she was okay with it so when I brought the dress to everyone's attention I thought it was a go!

When the BM asked if she can change the straps I was okay with that so that she can feel comfortable and was even thinking of changing someone else's straps in the party as well so that she did not feel isolated. I may or may not do that, not sure. When I said as long as the dresses look similar, I meant as long as the strapsare the only thing that is changed on the dress and nothing else (ex. removal of the broach). I am not at all upset that my BM has valid concerns. She did mention it to me after seeing the picture that she did not think it was flattering to her "but she will try her best" and then when I asked her what were her concerns, let me know your thoughts she said "its okay" and did not go into further detail so I did not know how deep rooted the problem was until her mother called. I didn't even know there was a financial issue. When I spoke with her she said that was not the problem, she was more concerned about the style (I think the reason why the issue of money came up is because she and her mother probably felt that if I had got the dress made it would have been cheaper).

Thank you again ladies for your input but even though my wedding is 7 months away, I am already realizing that you can't please everybody. Someone mentioned that I should cancel the order and choose different dresses. Here's the thing: I have 7 bridesmaids which mean 7 different opinions (not including my own) so I don't think that is the best way to go and I like the idea of my BMs looking the same not completely different. So if 1 out of the 7 BMs feels that changing the straps will make her more comfortable on my wedding day, then thats fine.

banana468

As long as the one BM will be content with all other details if the straps changed you don't need to change the order.

BUT, keep in mind that the better way to approach this was to ask them separately for their budgets.  You should not have told them what they'd be spending.  They should have told you in what price range to be looking.  Yes, it absolutely is your wedding so you get the final say - but when it comes to your BMs they get a say too when they're paying.

It sounds like ultimately this was handled the best way.  Your BM is able to be more comfortable and the dresses work. 

janedoe1113a

7 months is a little early to be ordering your bridesmaids dresses. 

I agree that you should have asked your bridesmaid's budgets before you told them which dress to buy.  I have a pretty well paying job, but there's no way I would spend $200 on a dress that I'm only going to wear once.  I paid just a little more than that for my own wedding dress.

mattycam

@ navy baby, the dresses take approximately 3-4 months to order. So these girls will not be getting their dresses until December/January. I didn't want to take the chance and cut it too close to the date in case there is need for alterations or worse case scenerio get the wrong order (which I have known to happen)!

banana468

It makes sense that you don't want to take the chance - but please do understand that you'd be plenty fine ordering at the 5 month mark.

eshaufle

I think you were fine picking out dresses as far in advance as you want.  It doesn't matter especially if you get them at a salon because those styles don't change much.  Also, the earlier you start looking, the earlier you can deal with issues like the one you are dealing with right now.  This was never the topic of discussion though...

The mother was in the wrong to call you.  Your bridesmaid should have come to you with any concerns, which it sounds like she did, and it also sounds like you did your best to accomodate her concerns without completely throwing off the "look" you wanted.

As for asking their budget, you know your friends better than we do so I think it's very subjective when/if you ask them what is "ok".  I think that most brides know what their bridesmaids do for a living and what their lifestyle is like and as long as your respectful and reasonable of that knowledge of them then you probably are fine picking what you want within reason.  I think people lose sight of the fact that they agreed to be in your wedding and while they are not obligated to break the bank, they are sort of obligated to wear what you ask them to as long as you are being reasonable.

banana468

The only concern is that even if you know what someone makes that does not mean that you know how much someone can spend.

For example, DH and I haven't had an income change but our situation is going to change drastically.  We're looking to move, I'm having a baby and we'll need to spend money on a house, daycare and baby stuff.  None of that was in place last year.  What would be comfortable for us a year ago isn't the same now.

Sometimes it can be just fine to say, "This is the dress" but be careful when assuming.

526SadieSadie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-mother-issue-bridesmaid-dresses-lol-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:be85adf2-aa4b-4182-8dd1-aba5bced6191Post:b7e01465-d41f-4da8-8e67-c5bc6addfd99">Re: Bridesmaid's MOTHER has an issue with Bridesmaid dresses, LOL - need to vent!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Bridesmaid's MOTHER has an issue with Bridesmaid dresses, LOL - need to vent! : It sounds to me like the BM had concerns and felt like you were blowing them off.  You shouldn't make anybody wear a dress that makes her uncomfortable. As for the money, it was your responsibility to ask them all for their budgets BEFORE looking at dresses, and make sure you stayed within it or covered the difference.  The fact that the other girls didn't complain or that you've paid more to be in weddings before is completely irrelevant.
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

I agree.  I will also add that your friend's mom had no business in calling you.  If your friend had/has a problem, she should have spoken up about it.  At least she didn't get mad and defend her mom's inappropriate behavior. 
It sounds to me like you're being flexible, but you could have avoided this whole mess if you had let your girls pick dressed that suit each of their bodies. 

bfuller1085

Its funny to me that everyone says she was wrong for not asking a budget. Bull. Have you ever known a groomsman to be asked his budget before a tux is decided? Absolutely not. Its HER wedding and HER decision. If they have a proble with the price it is absolutely the job of the BM to speak up and mention that its a bit much, then the bride should take that into consideration.

When I chose to pick out my BM dresses I did ask everyone for a budget and was told on many occation by friends, family, and coworkers that asking was too generous of me. I was told that I should just pick them out b/c I like them and not compromise b/c its my wedding.

Lastly, I would have politely told the mother part way through her ranting that if the BM had a problem then she needed to put her big girl panties on and discuss it with me herself. I personally am 24 years old, with my own home, a FI, etc. I'm an adult and absolutely don't need my moms friend yelling at me as if Im still 15. Just a thought in case she calls again!

banana468

Bfuller, I'll agree that most guys don't ask.

BUT, I've heard plenty of guys venting saying, "Dude thinks I'm going to spend HOW MUCH to be in his wedding?!"

Just because one doesn't askt he budget does not mean that doing so is the smart way to go. 

Sure it's the bride and groom's wedding day.  However they've asked others to be involved in it and that means planning within the means of others.  As soon as you ask others to spend money, it isn't as simple as "This is what I want and that's my decision."

I will totally agree that the BM's mom was out of line.  It makes BM look like someone who can't handle being an adult and Mom looks like a control freak.

The bottom line though is that when you involve others, it really is best to take their concerns into consideration as a good friend.

eshaufle

I think it is nice to take your friends' concerns into consideration but you're going to have to be comfortable with the fact that you can't please everyone in terms of budget or type of dress.  If a bridesmaid has a legitimate financial concern then I think it is somewhat their responsibility to bring it to the bride's attention prior to picking out dresses so the bride can work with her individually.  In the end though it is your day and if you want a certain type of dress then you should be entitled to have that and then deal with individual concerns if needed (as long as you're being reasonable).  It sounds like you did this so don't worry about it.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-mother-issue-bridesmaid-dresses-lol-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:be85adf2-aa4b-4182-8dd1-aba5bced6191Post:95eae395-d961-430a-b8d0-ee6ecdf899ef">Re: Bridesmaid's MOTHER has an issue with Bridesmaid dresses, LOL - need to vent!</a>:
[QUOTE]Its funny to me that everyone says she was wrong for not asking a budget. Bull. <strong>Have you ever known a groomsman to be asked his budget before a tux is decided?</strong> Absolutely not. Its HER wedding and HER decision. If they have a proble with the price it is absolutely the job of the BM to speak up and mention that its a bit much, then the bride should take that into consideration. When I chose to pick out my BM dresses I did ask everyone for a budget and was told on many occation by friends, family, and coworkers that asking was too generous of me. I was told that I should just pick them out b/c I like them and not compromise b/c its my wedding. Lastly, I would have politely told the mother part way through her ranting that if the BM had a problem then she needed to put her big girl panties on and discuss it with me herself. I personally am 24 years old, with my own home, a FI, etc. I'm an adult and absolutely don't need my moms friend yelling at me as if Im still 15. Just a thought in case she calls again!
Posted by bfuller1085[/QUOTE]
That's because tux rentals are fairly standardized in price, and chances are pretty good that the groomsman in question will have had to rent a tux at least once in his life and will have a fairly accurate idea of what he'll be spending.  Chances are also pretty good that if the groom picks a tux that costs more than that the local average, the groomsmen will object.  The men should still be afforded the same courtesy and measures should be taken if they're unable to afford the rental (for instance, having the guys all wear their own black suits instead), but it's usually not an issue if it doesn't happen. 

Guys also aren't subject to a lot of the other "obligatory purchases" that women often face when standing up in a wedding, especially if the bride is a pill: hair, makeup, shoes, jewelry, nails, shower gift, bachelorette party, and so on and so forth.  They rent the tux, buy the groom a drink at the bachelor party, and they're in the clear.  So it's also not as big a deal to keep the tux budget under strict control, because there aren't a million other little expenses that will crop up and drive the cost of being in the wedding through the roof.

Sorry, but your logic fails.  It's apples and oranges, not a valid comparison.

I also think that anyone who puts the possessive pronoun preceding "wedding" in all-caps (i.e. YOUR wedding, HER wedding, MY wedding) lacks the proper perspective and maturity.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-mother-issue-bridesmaid-dresses-lol-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:be85adf2-aa4b-4182-8dd1-aba5bced6191Post:fded6b4e-040b-4a5b-851c-fa39c3138909">Re: Bridesmaid's MOTHER has an issue with Bridesmaid dresses, LOL - need to vent!</a>:
[QUOTE] As for asking their budget, you know your friends better than we do so I think it's very subjective when/if you ask them what is "ok". <strong> I think that most brides know what their bridesmaids do for a living and what their lifestyle is like and as long as your respectful and reasonable of that knowledge of them then you probably are fine picking what you want within reason. </strong> I think people lose sight of the fact that they agreed to be in your wedding and while they are not obligated to break the bank, they are sort of obligated to wear what you ask them to as long as you are being reasonable.
Posted by eshaufle[/QUOTE]

I'm going to politely disagree with you on this. Just save the headache and ask for a budget. When I agree to be a BM, it is an honour, but I also don't want to spend all this money particularly on a dress that I'm not even picking out. When my friend was picking out dresses, she assumed at one point that she could raise the budget because I have more money available to me so I should have automatically been okay with it. We worked things out, but it was rude of her to assume she could raise the budget by another $50-100. What I choose to spend my money on is my choice, and when it comes to a friend's wedding I would rather put more money towards a gift for her than an expensive dress she picked out and likes that I'll likely never wear again.

People don't often know the very personal circumstances of friend's finances. Just ask for a budget and you'll do fine.

aerinpegadrak

Exactly, bren.  Just because I make enough to spend more money than others on a dress doesn't mean I remotely want to, and it's rude of the bride to assume that my extra money will naturally be going toward her wedding.

Besides, you can't even really judge someone's income on their lifestyle.  A lot of people financed luxurious lifestyles with massive credit card and personal debt, hence the whole global economy going down the shitter.  You should never encourage someone to live beyond their means just because you presume they can.

janedoe1113a

My own mother doesn't know how much I make for a living, so my friends definitely wouldn't know how much I could afford to spend on a dress.  I try not to talk about my finances with other people because I don't feel it's any of their business.  So I definitely expect a bride to ask me how much I could afford to spend before she picked a dress.  And if she ended up picking one that's too expensive, I would drop out of the wedding party.

eshaufle

Clearly you're getting differing opinions on this and I think it's mostly because it's hard to gauge individual bride and wedding party dynamics and situations.  In some groups, budget is clearly an issue and then in some other groups budget may not be an expected discussion.  I don't think anyone was implying that a bridal party is expected to spend all excess income on a wedding.  They should just bring up any financial concerns to the bride.  If something is so important to the bride and there is a concern then she'll probably just pay for it.  No big deal or drama.  I say you know better than any of us how to handle your own bridal party.  Opinions are just that, opinions, and ultimately it's your day to handle as you see fit keeping in mind all scenarios of consequences.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-mother-issue-bridesmaid-dresses-lol-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:be85adf2-aa4b-4182-8dd1-aba5bced6191Post:48e8c32b-d6d2-425c-a930-946bafbbc9a5">Re: Bridesmaid's MOTHER has an issue with Bridesmaid dresses, LOL - need to vent!</a>:
[QUOTE]Clearly you're getting differing opinions on this and I think it's mostly because it's hard to gauge individual bride and wedding party dynamics and situations.  In some groups, budget is clearly an issue and then in some other groups budget may not be an expected discussion.  I don't think anyone was implying that a bridal party is expected to spend all excess income on a wedding.  They should just bring up any financial concerns to the bride.  If something is so important to the bride and there is a concern then she'll probably just pay for it.  No big deal or drama.  I say you know better than any of us how to handle your own bridal party.  Opinions are just that, opinions, and ultimately it's your day to handle as you see fit keeping in mind all scenarios of consequences.
Posted by eshaufle[/QUOTE]
But I think you're wrong that the BMs should be expected to step up and say something if they feel it's too much.  That can be really, really hard to do, especially with brides who imply, if not outright state, "This is my dream dress and if you don't get it, you're going to ruin my wedding."  If the group is deciding where to go to dinner, yes, an individual who feels it's too expensive should speak up or hold her peace.  But since the bride is the one asking these girls to spend this money in her honor, it's her responsibility to ensure she's not being a burden.

Dear Prudence addressed the idea that other people should step in and tell the bride when she's gone over the line, and her take was that brides are grown women who should be able to control their own behavior.  A lot of women fall into the "well, no one said anything, so they must be okay with it" trap, and then wonder after the wedding why none of their friends want to hang out anymore.

Ultimately, it's not your friends' responsibility to tell you when you're out of line, it's your responsibility not to get there in the first place.

eshaufle

Which is exactly why I said everyone needs to judge their own group of friends' dynamics.  This is exactly why I try not to let any thing that gets post on any board shock me because even if I would do things differently that does not mean I know better.  So I try not to judge them but instead offer them my advice based on the path they have clearly already chosen.  If a person says they didn't ask for a budget then I'm not going to assume they didn't care about their friends' situations or were rude or inconsiderate, I'm just going to assume they know their friends better than I do and what is the norm for their group of friends.

I just don't understand why everyone's posts need to get nit-picked apart.  This board was about someone who was upset about the call from the mother.  I think we can all agree that a mother should not calling on behalf of a grown-up daughter.  She even said she was reasonable and willing to work with her bridesmaid on cost and style.  Seems good to me.  Then all of sudden she's criticized for asking about a budget, picking out dresses too soon, etc.  I just though we were supposed to support each other through this fun time.  We don't need to analyze everything.  Not everyone's going to agree with everyone but we don't have to be insulting.

Angrytomato

I guess I am the only one here who told her bridesmaids to go pick out whatever dress they liked/could afford as long as it met my criteria of color (I gave them paint swatches of the color to take shopping with them), length, and general non-sluttiness factor (no "juicy" spelled out in rhinestones on the butt, please). xD