Replacing the Matron of Honor and Best Man woes

mlsegriff

This will kind of ramble but ....I found out yesterday that my Matron of Honor can no longer participate in my wedding as she is pregnant and actually due on/about our wedding day. With that said - her husband is also my fiance's Best Man. He at this point still wants to participate as he said no matter what he wants to be there, etc. My inital thought is that this is unrealistic. Though he is a great friend to my fiance, if his wife is in labor/delivering/had just delivered and from the timing in general I dont feel like this would be a smart approach for us as I dont think that he could or should have to choose between standing up for us vs. being with his wife during this time. At this point in time though, my fiance is leaning towards leaving him in the wedding party stating if he cant make it on the day (Oct 30) we will just "deal with it". I however, and not to sound really really selfish, dont want to wait and just  "Deal with it". I have been a MOH 5 times and a bridesmaid 4 times and ...this is finally my turn and I want it to be as perfect as possible. I dont want to be scrambling at the last minute, etc should she deliver on or around our Wedding. So - my questions are many:
1. If he leaves the BM in what would our contingency plan be if he cant end up making it that day? Meaning the programs are printed, the ceremony/receptoion are laid out with his involvement, etc - what would we do?
2. With him as the BM - I am short a Bridesmaid from the count perspective. Do I add another? (Side note to that is that my 'next in line' girl had gotten really upset with me when we initially set our wedding party because she was not included. How do I possibly go back and ask her now to be a part of it without upsetting her again? Or - do I simply go with uneven numbers?
3. Either way I am currently w/o a MOH. Do I 'promote' someone from within my current party? If so - how do I go about doing that properly and is it fair to the girl asked to take on that responsibility after not being asked originally?
4. If his BM does decide to back out as well - the same would be applicable to him - does he promote from within, etc?

Is there any kind of standard on these things when they happen? Again I dont want to come off selfish and I am super happy for my girlfirend but at the same time I do want to look out for myself a bit and our day to ensure that we end up happy with our decions and the outcome.

I am kind of in a tizzy over the whole thing so any thoughts are very much appreciated!
Thanks!

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_replacing-matron-of-honor-man-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bf5eeca8-1588-4807-847d-e49ce679d691Post:c3e953fd-564a-4ff8-9f68-e34fd7156c44">Replacing the Matron of Honor and Best Man woes</a>:
[QUOTE]This will kind of ramble but ....I found out yesterday that my Matron of Honor can no longer participate in my wedding as she is pregnant and actually due on/about our wedding day. With that said - her husband is also my fiance's Best Man. He at this point still wants to participate as he said no matter what he wants to be there, etc. My inital thought is that this is unrealistic. Though he is a great friend to my fiance, if his wife is in labor/delivering/had just delivered and from the timing in general I dont feel like this would be a smart approach for us as I dont think that he could or should have to choose between standing up for us vs. being with his wife during this time. At this point in time though, my fiance is leaning towards leaving him in the wedding party stating if he cant make it on the day (Oct 30) we will just "deal with it". I however, and not to sound really really selfish, dont want to wait and just  "Deal with it". I have been a MOH 5 times and a bridesmaid 4 times and ...this is finally my turn and I want it to be as perfect as possible. I dont want to be scrambling at the last minute, etc should she deliver on or around our Wedding. So - my questions are many: 1. If he leaves the BM in what would our contingency plan be if he cant end up making it that day? Meaning the programs are printed, the ceremony/receptoion are laid out with his involvement, etc - what would we do? 2. With him as the BM - I am short a Bridesmaid from the count perspective. Do I add another? (Side note to that is that my 'next in line' girl had gotten really upset with me when we initially set our wedding party because she was not included. How do I possibly go back and ask her now to be a part of it without upsetting her again? Or - do I simply go with uneven numbers? 3. Either way I am currently w/o a MOH. Do I 'promote' someone from within my current party? If so - how do I go about doing that properly and is it fair to the girl asked to take on that responsibility after not being asked originally? 4. If his BM does decide to back out as well - the same would be applicable to him - does he promote from within, etc? Is there any kind of standard on these things when they happen? Again I dont want to come off selfish and I am super happy for my girlfirend but at the same time I do want to look out for myself a bit and our day to ensure that we end up happy with our decions and the outcome. I am kind of in a tizzy over the whole thing so any thoughts are very much appreciated! Thanks!
Posted by mlsegriff[/QUOTE]

<div>Sorry, but you really do need to "deal with it." Do not replace them. Put them in the program as the BM and MOH and leave it at that. There really isn't anything different from the bridesmaids and the MOH except that she stands closer to you.</div><div>
</div><div>Don't promote anyone. Leave it as is. And sides don't have to be even. </div>

Pirata13

What Stina said.

AdeleDazeem

I know you mean well, but I agree with Stina - you have to just deal with it.

You have other bridesmaids and groomsmen.  Don't promote any of them.  Don't add to even up sides.  Make your programs with MOH and BM listed in there and if they can make, great!  If they can't, they are still supporting you from afar.

mbcdefg

1. If he leaves the BM in what would our contingency plan be if he cant end up making it that day? Meaning the programs are printed, the ceremony/receptoion are laid out with his involvement, etc - what would we do?

You just leave his name in the program. If he cannot make it, then his name stays ni the program. Nobody will notice ... and if they DO notice, just say, "He and his wife just had a baby and we're so glad for them! They are spending some time together as a new family."

Nobody in their right mind would say, "Ew, his name is in the program even though he's not here? What's wrong with Bride?"

2. With him as the BM - I am short a Bridesmaid from the count perspective. Do I add another?

No.

(Side note to that is that my 'next in line' girl had gotten really upset with me when we initially set our wedding party because she was not included.)
 
Well, she has a right to be upset. You essentially told her that even numbers aer more important than her friendship. You could've included her, but you decided that even numbers and "perfection" was a bigger priority.

How do I possibly go back and ask her now to be a part of it without upsetting her again?

If you can find a way to say to her, without upsetting her or pissing her off, "I excluded you in the beginning because you didn't make the cut as one of our [number] closest friends, but now that the MOH has dropped out and we need a warm body to even out the sides then I suddenly want to include you" ... then I'd be very interested in hearing about it.

Or - do I simply go with uneven numbers?

Yes.

3. Either way I am currently w/o a MOH. Do I 'promote' someone from within my current party?

All the MOH really has to do is stand next to you in the ceremony. Any adult can sign as your witness, any bridesmaid can hang onto your bouquet and straighten your train and hold the ring. It's fine to ask other bridesmaids to take on these little tasks, but I personally would not name a new MOH. Hopefully you asked the original MOH because she is your dearest friend, not because she'd be doing certain jobs for you, so naming a new MOH would be an insult to the original girl.

If so - how do I go about doing that properly and is it fair to the girl asked to take on that responsibility after not being asked originally?

See above for the MOH's "responsibilities." Being MOH is an honor, not a job ... therefore, aside from those little things during the ceremony, there is no work for her to do. You cannot assign her to host a shower or bachelorette or lead the other BMs in tasks.

4. If his BM does decide to back out as well - the same would be applicable to him - does he promote from within, etc?

Your FI can ask any groomsman to hold the rings, sign the license, make a toast, etc. Or you can skip all those things ... FI can hold the rings in his own pocket or ask your officiant to hold them, any adult can sign the license (we are probably asking my mom and FI's dad to do this), and anyone who volunteers to give a toast may to do (or you can skip toasts).

It is not the Best Man's job to host a bachelor party (yes, it's traditional, but it's not his duty, it's just something that the BM typically decides to do since he's supposed to be your FI's closest friend), so anyone who might choose to step up and plan it may do so. Or the Best Man might decide to plan it anyway even if he won't be in the wedding. Or your FI may not get one at all. Your FI should wait and see what happens, and you should stay out of it.

stina93446

You really should just be happy that they're going to have a baby. 

jagore08

Oy.  Please listen to these girls.

trix1223

My gracious.  You are seriously over-reacting to all this.  You've gotten wonderful advice from everyone.

To synthesize (I hope) What they've all said:

#1)  Be thrilled for your best friend.  This is wonderful news!

#2)  WPs are not jobs, therefore one cannot be promoted from within or without.

#3)  WPs are not about symmetry.  Dont' add insult to injury on the friend you initially left out.  How exactly do you say this to her?  "You weren't good enough to make the first team, but now that the MOH is out, I'm moving the second string girl to MOH, and I'm pulling you up from the bench to play varsity in the big game.  Go team, misegriff!!:

#4)  Try to think about your friends as, well.....friends, and not background for your wedding pictures.  You'll all be happier.

mlsegriff

Thank you for the replies and I understand in re-reading my posts and your comments that apparently I wrote in the heat and did not re-read to see how it would be precieved and read by others. And certainly - I was being selfish even though I am trying very hard not to be about what will be the biggest day of my life thus far. Since this is my first go around with my own wedding as opposed to being an attendant in others I can only go off of the experiences that I had with the other girls that let me be a part of their day and their thoughts and their stresses that they encountered with their own weddings and what was expected of me. However - in reading what you ladies posted you are 100% correct and these stresses and thoughts on this I can see are superficial. With that said - I am very very excited for our friends.  My MOH actually asked to bow out - I DID NOT ask her to do that - she did not feel that she would be able to be there for me like she wanted to throughout the process and no longer wishes to be a part of it - which I completely agree and understand which is why I stated what I did about the BM as my assumption is that the same would apply to him - BECAUSE this is such a huge event in their life - not because I am trying to make decisions that are not mine to make and so on. And just one other side note - my other gf was not the "warm body" or excluded because she was not good enough, etc. When I said next in line I meant it as my next closest friend. We simply could not have 30 attendents and went through the process of drawing the line in the sand when we set our initial parties. Yes when that line was drawn she was upset and I understood that and YES she did have the right to be and we worked through it. And that is why I said I didnt see how it would be fair to ask her now and asked for your thoughts.  Anyway - thanks again for the thoughts. Certinly gives me a different perspective and I apologize that I thought that there was some sort of ettiquitte/rules, etc to all of this and the numbers and everything else that now I know thanks to all of the kind posts that there is not.

emilyinchile

Yaaaaaay, that's a good outcome. Glad we could put things in perspective a bit better

bablingbrooke

Well I'm glad you said it all here and not to them  

stina93446

I'm glad that you can take the advice and work with it rather than go off and yell about how we don't "know you." Believe me, it happens all the time. Great job!

CTGirl30

trix1223

Thank you, thank you for listening with an open mind and not coming back shouting about how we're all old married hags and you feel sorry for our DH's.  Come back and visit often.

mags0607

I think when things are stressful, we all react in the heat of the moment, and only from the perspective that we are seing the situation in at the moment. We all do it, you are no different.

I think that taking a step back (as you have done) really helps to see it another way. I'm glad you took in the advice. I think most of us could tell from your post that you were Just getting it all out. 

Good Luck,

And FWIW we have two groomsmen that may or may not be in the wedding, so we are looking at anywhere from 5 to 7 people standing on my Fi's side, and 6 on mine. Its easy to focus on the stress involved in it all, but just looking at your wedding as a way to celebrate with those nearest and dearest whether they are there in person or not.

mlsegriff

Thank You again ladies. You have no idea how very helpful this was to post on here. A grip has been gotten for sure!

LarissaAnn

Honestly, I'd leave them as MOH & BM.

First of all, due dates can be all over the map.  My sister's son was born on December 22, when her original due date was in November - the doc misjudged.  My BIL's son was originally due in April, and now they're saying March 'cause they misjudged too!  And yeah, totally diff doctor, totally diff state.  So if your MOH is actually due later, they might be able to make the wedding.

But even if they can't make it... leave them in the programs.  Just don't stress about it, there's nothing to "scramble" over.  In the procession, you just walk right behind the bridesmaids instead of the MOH.  The bridesmaid who'd have stood on the other side of the MOH from you will take one step closer and stand next to you.  Same on your fiance's side with the guys.

For the reception, depending on how your caterer works and how far in advance you need to give a headcount, you may know how it's looking by then.  We had to give a final count just one week before the wedding.

Don't add the "next in line" girl.  It'll just reopen the wounds.  Honestly, she should have been included from the beginning if she was "next in line," since uneven wedding parties are absolutely fine now and practically the norm.  That also means that if the best man can come (and I also think he's delusional thinking he should come if his wife's in the middle of giving birth!) and the MOH can't, just have uneven sides.  Still no scrambling.  Just have the last bridesmaid walk with 2 guys.  You can look in my bio for photos of that.

LarissaAnn

Ah, geez, ignore my prior post.  This is why I should read all the way down before responding.

By the way, if you want to do so, you could talk to your MOH and let her know that pregnant or not, you'd still like her to have the title and see what she says.