I never really thought I'd have this problem...

jaimed99

Considering the time I've spent on this forum, I thought I'd never have to actually ASK anyone this...

Even though I know now not to ask the BP until closer (I wasn't on the boards yet when I got engaged/asked my BMs), I assumed that since we asked family and very close friends (honestly, the people we would call at 4am to bail us out of prison), we thought nothing of it...but...

I asked both of FI's sisters to be BMs...I actually asked the younger one to be my MOH. I went to school with all three of them...my FI was a year ahead of me and is the oldest, his first younger sister was in my class, and the youngest was a year behind me...so we've all known each other for a very long time.

Recently, as in within the last couple of months, my relationship with FMIL and the older of the two sisters has become rocky at best.  His mother lives in this little fantasy world that apparently I don't belong in, because I'm not a neat freak like her, and because I don't take every word of advice she's given us as far as raising our son to heart. I don't know what his sister's problem is, but lately she's just been nasty to me. She called Child Services on me, saying that my house was unfit (which it's not), and sent me horrible text messages saying that she hates that I am her nephew's mother and that she hopes that FI leaves me. They claim that I am rude and disrespectful, but can't come up with a single incident to back it up.

Now, since then, I've tried everything to keep civil, if anything, for my son's sake. However, I really don't feel that I want someone who speaks so horribly about me to my face (hate to see what she's said behind my back) standing beside me at my wedding to her brother. I haven't discussed it with FI, but I don't think he'd argue with me if I chose to ask her to step down. Honestly, I'm hoping that she bows out on her own and decides to not even show up to the wedding.

Is her behavior towards me severe enough to warrant wanting her out of our wedding?

On a side note: My FI has been beside me in everything when it came to the CYS thing...he called his sister and cussed her out, and called and cussed his mother out when she told him that his sister was right to involve herself in something that's none of her business.

bablingbrooke

I think their involvement in the wedding is the least of your worries right now. She called CYS on you?  That's insane!  

You guys need to find some sort of workable relationship with his relatives or cut off contact completely.  I hope it's the former.  But again, the wedding should be the last thing on your mind when it comes to these relationships.

jaimed99

His younger sister is trying to find a way for the five of us to have like a round-table discussion and air everything out...but so far, nothing has been done. I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells with his mother, and as hard as I try to make a good relationship with her, it's like talking to a brick wall. She decided from the get-go that she didn't like me, and there is no changing her mind. I have done absolutely nothing to disrespect her, other than tell her that while I understand her point of view, she doesn't get to tell me how to raise my children. His sister and I can talk, and it seems like we're working our way up, but that other stuff is always in the back of my mind...

Not to mention that this all came out of NOWHERE...I thought everything was cool until his sister started sending messages on Facebook that I was a slob and a terrible mom...to MY mother!

Jelenny

i agree with brooke the wedding is the least of your concerns...

jaimed99

Oh, I agree, wholeheartedly...I guess I'm just trying to figure out what to do in case our situation doesn't improve.

I'm working on the relationship thing...just trying to see how it will and may affect our wedding. FI and I have been through a lot of stuff together, and I know we'll be able to get through this...I just want to make OUR day the best day that it can be, especially since we'll have waited 15 years to get to it!

bablingbrooke

Frankly, I'd elope.  After 15 years and kids together, and this toxic a relationship with the family, just hop on a plane and get it done.  If I had to do the wedding over, DH and I would have just gotten married on a beach in Hawaii.  It's not worth this grief.  It really isn't.

jaimed99

Maybe I should clarify...we haven't been together for 15 years, we've just known each other since middle school...my daughter is from my first marriage. We've known how we feel about each other the whole time, just didn't act on it until 2 1/2 years ago.

I can't say I didn't consider the option of eloping, though...we have the space reserved already, so we could just do an AHR...

emilyinchile

Can you have an honest one-on-one conversation with the older sister? It doesn't sound like that has happened - you say you have talks about other stuff, but what does/would she say if you point blank ask her "Jenny, why do you think that your brother and I are unfit parents? And why did you go to the authorities instead of talking to us first?"

If this gets worse, I could see a situation where you and your FI would have to really restrict contact to the point of almost cutting his mom and sister off because obviously you can't live your daily lives being insulted and being worried about having your children taken. BUT even if it comes to that, I wouldn't make it about the wedding. Keep her as a BM, much as it sucks, because kicking her out is only going to antagonize both her and her mom.

Licia&Wayne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_never-really-thought-id-this-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c061d5a4-66db-4f04-a3b2-c5e5f25fcf71Post:1010ffaf-5f57-4a7d-aa8b-1893629780cc">Re: I never really thought I'd have this problem...</a>:
[QUOTE]Frankly, I'd elope.  After 15 years and kids together, and this toxic a relationship with the family, just hop on a plane and get it done.  If I had to do the wedding over, DH and I would have just gotten married on a beach in Hawaii.  It's not worth this grief.  It really isn't.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

This times one million.

I don't know that a "round table" discussion would help such volatile relationships without some kind of moderation. Is it possible to get everyone in to family counseling? Is it even possible to salvage if you were able to "talk it out"?

I would just ditch the big wedding plans and get it done. That way none of it creeps into the toxicity that is your relationship with your ILs.

bablingbrooke

Sorry for the misunderstanding.

I don't know, I think I'd be willing to eat the deposit to escape crazies like this.  People like that won't change unless they want to, and they often won't want to unless they get some sort of wake-up call that this behaviour is not okay, and this might be that wake-up call.

jaimed99

This is exactly why I brought this to you guys...this isn't the only drama dealing with the wedding, but this is a big part of it. I needed a good, solid and objective point of view, and I got it Thanks

ETA: The only reason that we haven't completely cut off contact with his mom and sister is because his two sisters live together...the younger sister has done nothing wrong...in fact, she's been trying to moderate this whole situation. I don't want to punish her for her sister's and mother's behavior. I actually would be honored to have his younger sister standing with me as my MOH, or I wouldn't have asked her

emilyinchile

I wouldn't elope. I don't think it's a bad choice if that's what you want, but personally I think that even with drama with 2 people, I would have still loved being able to celebrate with everyone else. Plus I would have felt like I'd let them win somehow by letting them take my vision of how I wanted my wedding - but that's because the big wedding was important to me, so if it's not as important to you then your decision might be different.

Just thought I'd throw another opinion out there

trix1223

Jaime:  I don't really have anything more to add except that I wish you well.  What a difficult position to be put in.  Good luck to you.

jaimed99

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_never-really-thought-id-this-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c061d5a4-66db-4f04-a3b2-c5e5f25fcf71Post:e365a4dd-00c8-4339-a53b-1de95a38b56c">Re: I never really thought I'd have this problem...</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't elope. I don't think it's a bad choice if that's what you want, but personally I think that even with drama with 2 people, I would have still loved being able to celebrate with everyone else. Plus I would have felt like I'd let them win somehow by letting them take my vision of how I wanted my wedding - but that's because the big wedding was important to me, so if it's not as important to you then your decision might be different. Just thought I'd throw another opinion out there :)
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

<div>It is important...we decided to have the big wedding because that was what we both wanted. This is my third marriage, and for most women, if they wind up having to suffer through a couple of failures to get to the right one, they seem to not want to have a big wedding. But he is my one...he always has been, and I couldn't imagine spending my life without him.</div><div>
</div><div>I think it's something FI and I need to have a serious talk about...because deep down, I really think that we both want to have a nice big wedding with our family and friends and celebrate what we've both waited for so long to have. And I don't want to feel like we settled or changed our plans because a couple of people decided to be crappy...</div>

suz62984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_never-really-thought-id-this-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c061d5a4-66db-4f04-a3b2-c5e5f25fcf71Post:38daa4a7-a84f-4a7f-bb0f-3e9f210d3847">Re: I never really thought I'd have this problem...</a>:
[QUOTE]Not to mention that this all came out of NOWHERE...I thought everything was cool until his sister started sending messages on Facebook that I was a slob and a terrible mom...to MY mother!
Posted by jaimed99[/QUOTE]

I thought there was a federal law that says you can't use phone or internet to harass someone. It's not very well known but I know that it has been used where I live. My mom worked with a guy that got arrested for arguing with his neighbor over the phone. He said "Maybe you should keep a leash on your wife." and got arrested because it was 'harassment via phone/internet lines.' It was a BS arrest but it made the point; that stuff wouldn't be tolerated. I'm more of the type that fights fire with fire though.

Angrytomato

um......why did they have to come bail you out of jail at 4am? Or was that a hypothetical metaphor?