MOH madness

crystalgilo627

so, when i got engaged over a year ago, my best friend since i was 12 and i were not speaking and i asked another friend to be my moh. I have since resolved all issues with my best friend and the friend that i have asked to be my MOH is being completelty intolerable. She is acting as though she's the bride and no one has any say in anything because she's the MOH. She's planning meetings for the wedding party to get together and telling my other brides maids that if they can't make it then it's just too bad... She is also very opinative about all the choices i'm making, instaed of being supportave. I have already made a big mistake by asking her and not my best friend, but now i'm afraid to approach her because she'll probably blow up and we won't be friends anymore... how do i fix this???

Belle2Be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-madness-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c09cdc48-92dc-42c8-b127-c6e33601cbc4Post:f8e10182-c481-4219-ba28-3f86e723cd45">MOH madness</a>:
[QUOTE]so, when i got engaged over a year ago, my best friend since i was 12 and i were not speaking and i asked another friend to be my moh. I have since resolved all issues with my best friend and the friend that i have asked to be my MOH is being completelty intolerable. She is acting as though she's the bride and no one has any say in anything because she's the MOH. She's planning meetings for the wedding party to get together and telling my other brides maids that if they can't make it then it's just too bad... She is also very opinative about all the choices i'm making, instaed of being supportave. I have already made a big mistake by asking her and not my best friend, but now i'm afraid to approach her because she'll probably blow up and we won't be friends anymore... how do i fix this???
Posted by crystalgilo627[/QUOTE]
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Licia&Wayne

Phew. For any people who are thinking about asking their wedding party super early, take heed.

I think you're within your rights to say, "Friend, relax. I've got things taken care of. I appreciate your concern, but I think this is a little overboard. I will take care of relaying information to the wedding party, so please refrain from scheduling meetings with them." As far as her opinions go, just don't talk to her about the wedding beyond things she needs to know. The more you bring up the wedding, the more opportunities she will have to interject her opinion. 

Also, I couldn't really tell why you were bringing up your best friend, but if you're planning on kicking your current MOH for your best friend: don't. It will reflect badly on you. Just weather the storm with your current MOH and gently let her know that you're in control of the ship.

aerinpegadrak

Well, her behavior is definitely out of line, and I think you do need to sit down with her and explain that you don't appreciate the way she's treating your other friends.  As long as you're respectful of her, not accusatory or lecturing or anything, and talk to her friend-to-friend and not The Bride to errant subordinate, you've done your part.  If she handles it badly, that's on her.

mbcdefg

If the other bridesmaids are complaining to you that the MOH is being too bossy or demanding that they attend these meetings, remind them that they are under no obligation to attend them and you will not be upset if they don't follow MOH's orders.

If the MOH complains to you that the BMs are not obeying her or attenting her meetings, or complaining about the prices/meetings, then gently ask her to ease up a bit and stop bossing people around.

If you are tired of her input, then do not ask her input on wedding-related plans and do not share details in the hopes of getting support rather than "THis is what you SHOULD do" comments. Because it just ain't gonna happen. Stop sharing details with her, period. Don't bring up the wedding around her, and if SHE brings it up, give a non-committal answer ("Thanks, I'll keep that idea in mind" or "We have that booked already, but thanks for the input") and then change the subject or end the conversation politely.

People like this will only boss others around as much as those people let them. Your MOH might be rude or jerky for doing this, but it's not like she's holding a gun to anyone's head. Your BMs have the right to decline these meetings, and you have the right to limit wedding talk with her or not accept her advice.

banana468

Please don't alter the WP.

But it is fine to say (as long as you're privy to these meetings), "Thanks but I've got it under control"

And if you're being made in the loop by the BMs, sit down for a heart to heart.  Let her know that you love that she's doing stuff but want to let her know that some things you'll plan.

suz62984

I agree with Licia. You need to talk to her and tell her that you have things under control. I wouldn't kick her out unless you are ready to end the friendship. Take the wedding out of it. Are you still good friends or do you really want to kick her out of your life for things unrelated to wedding? If you want her out of the wedding, end the friendship. The wedding stuff will be understood.

Whippet8

talk to your MOH and nip it in the bud. My MOH was like that, but I didn't find out until about a week before the wedding. She kept mass emailing all of "her" bridesmaids (I guess she figured she was head of the bridesmaids or something), and saying things like, "remember girls, don't tan too much". she also implied that I wanted them to get their hair done professionally, and wear a specific nail color, amongst other things that my other BMs didn't let me in on. At that point, my only option was to send an email to all of the girls saying that I didn't care about certain things, but I made sure to word it almost as if it was the first time I had given it any thought.

The worst part was that she made it seem like it was all coming from me. I know that she was doing it "for me" because she thougth I would regret not having the BMs wearing matching shoes, but it was still annoying.



also, you made her MOH, you can't back out on that choice now, or you'll risk ruining the friendship.

crystalgilo627

i know that i can't take away her title at this point but i'm pretty sure, no matter how i word it or how nice i am when i have this talk with her, she's going to freak. I've known her for a long time and i know that she will probably put up a wall and become defesive and deny a lot of things. I'm just a fraid it will turn into a fight and i will lose her as a friend. My Fiance says if that's her reaction then she's not the kind of friend i want in my life but I still wish it could just get fixed and our relationship won't change.

banana468

Then don't have a "You can't do this" conversation.  Just make sure that you stand up for yourself if she pushes.

And I'll echo your FI.  If you nicely stand up for yourself and that creates an argument, then you should not feel bad or inferior.