What to do in between?

mrabbito

I'm not sure if this post belongs in here, in ceremony, in reception or where, please move it if you see fit!  but here it is.
We have (what I think) is a long time between our church ceremony and reception (4.5 hours) and I don't know how to entertain the WP during this time.  Obviously there are pictures, will those take up the whole time?!!  we'll have lunch, snacks, booze, drinks, movies for them in the limo during this time but is that all we do?  What if pics only take 2 hours?  Can we go to our house and hang out?  I think all the weddings i've been in have run a little short for picture time, but I've never seen the opposite problem!
Thanks!!

trix1223

Start your ceremony later or your reception earlier.  Neither your WP nor your guests should have to wait 4.5 hours between ceremony and reception. 

That's just incredibly rude to everyone.  Frankly, if I received an invitation that showed a ceremony time and a reception time 4.5 hours later, I'd probably either A) decline altogether or skip one of the two parts.

mkrupar

Is there any possible way to shorten that gap? You shouldn't just be worried about what your WP is going to do for 4.5 hours, you need to be concerned about what your guests are going to do for that long. Anything more than an hour is pretty rude. I know this is common in Catholic weddings, but you have to do all you can to shorten the gap. If you can't you have to host something for your guests. If I was an OOT guest at your wedding I would be at a complete loss as to what I was supposed to do for almost 5 hours. I might not even go to the ceremony and just show up for the reception. Please find a way to push back the ceremony or push up the reception. Even if that means changing venues.

jagore08

Why is there a 4.5 gap?  Is there any possible way of moving one of them so there's not so much time in between?  What are your guests going to be doing?  Are you having a cocktail hour before your reception time (if so, is that part of the 4.5 hour gap or after)?

No, your pictures shouldn't run that long and if they did your WP would probably be over the whole day before your reception even started.  

Sorry for all the questions but I can't imagine what to do with everyone that's all dressed up (including guests) to entertain them for that amount of time.  I think I'd want to take a nap.

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_between?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c11a95b1-8cb6-4fe4-9150-64aed2f59f7bPost:a440b609-88b7-4e45-bca5-03cd2029d0e6">What to do in between?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not sure if this post belongs in here, in ceremony, in reception or where, please move it if you see fit!  but here it is. We have (what I think) is a long time between our church ceremony and reception (4.5 hours) and I don't know how to entertain the WP during this time.  Obviously there are pictures, will those take up the whole time?!!  we'll have lunch, snacks, booze, drinks, movies for them in the limo during this time but is that all we do?  What if pics only take 2 hours?  Can we go to our house and hang out?  I think all the weddings i've been in have run a little short for picture time, but I've never seen the opposite problem! Thanks!!
Posted by mrabbito[/QUOTE]

mrabbito

I would love to shorten the gap, but i'm not sure how.  The later time slots at the church were already booked and this is our family church, so finding another one isn't really an option.  We got the very very last saturday available at the venue we loved (and could afford), so we had to take what we could get and deposits have been paid.  We could start the reception earlier, but then it would be 4:30!  (as it stands now we have a 12:00 church, 5:30 reception).  As for the guests we are hosting a lunch at my parents house, that's why I didn't mention the guests, we are doing what we can for them.  I understand not everyone comes to the ceremony and that's ok.  But understanding that we didn't do this on purpose to be rude or selfish, how can we make it work?   

frogurt814

If your parents are hosting a lunch a their house then why don't you and your bridal party also attend the lunch at their house?

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_between?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c11a95b1-8cb6-4fe4-9150-64aed2f59f7bPost:8d559ba5-8551-4f41-b41b-858fdb4c3ee5">Re: What to do in between?</a>:
[QUOTE]Why not just turn the lunch at your parents house into the reception?  Pictures will take an hour max. And while I understand that you didn't do it "on purpose" there is no way to really be understanding about a 4+ hour gap between a ceremony and reception.  You have planned poorly and your guests will suffer for it.  I would actually suspect you will have more guests that attend the ceremony and the lunch then leave before the reception begins. <strong>And what is wrong with your reception starting at 4:30(!)?  Mine started at 2:30.</strong>
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]


This. Mine will start at 11:00am. I agree, why not just have the lunch at the parents' house be the reception? I agree, people will probably do the ceremony and lunch and not even show for the reception. Then you'll be paying for people who won't show. An entire day for wedding activities is overkill.

mrabbito

joining everyone at my parent's place would be a good option, even if we just drop the WP off there while we go do our couples pictures and pick them up again to go to the venue.  Or we could start the reception at 4:30 and include a recieving line.  we were hesitant on the receiving line, but now that we have time we could totally include it! 
thanks for getting my hamster wheel going!! 

baystateapple

Friends don't make friends suffer through a gap.  Even 2 hours is way too long to leave your guests hanging. 

mkrupar

OP - Thanks for taking suggestions in stride and not getting all mad when people give valid advice. Please come back and post again!

aerinpegadrak

Not gonna lie, if I were in a wedding that had a gap like that, I'd make my excuses and drop out, because as a guest I'm going to attend either the ceremony or reception, not both, or just skip the whole thing and send a gift.  It wouldn't matter how close we were; my free time is very limited and I have a whole hell of a lot that needs to get done on weekends, so sitting around in dress clothes twiddling my thumbs for FOUR HOURS is just simply not feasible.  Sorry, but I think that's just too much to ask of any of your guests, especially the WP.

mrabbito

i understand people may choose to come to one or the other, and that's totally fine, as long as they RSVP accordingly.  I think that's unfortunate of the guest if they choose to RSVP yes, and decide the day of not to come to the reception (knowing from the invite there is a gap).  A lot of our guests are local so can go home in between.  As far as the wedding party (especially as a girl) isn't it expected that you are involved the whole day?  as a BM i've never made 'other plans' the day of a wedding. typically it's hair/make up in the morning, and wedding stuff all day.  do people decline being in a WP b/c they can't deicate a whole day??  the last 2 weddings i was in started at 7:00am (with hair and makeup) and went till 2am (with the reception), and that's what we all expected. 

mrabbito

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_between?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c11a95b1-8cb6-4fe4-9150-64aed2f59f7bPost:7fb44246-16ca-43f8-a02e-d2d48cd16b5f">Re: What to do in between?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Not gonna lie, if I were in a wedding that had a gap like that, I'd make my excuses and drop out, </strong>because as a guest I'm going to attend either the ceremony or reception, not both, or just skip the whole thing and send a gift.  It wouldn't matter how close we were; <strong>my free time is very limited and I have a whole hell of a lot that needs to get done on weekends, so sitting around in dress clothes twiddling my thumbs for FOUR HOURS is just simply not feasible</strong>.  Sorry, but I think that's just too much to ask of any of your guests, especially the WP.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

Sorry, BBrooke, that wasn't directed at you, it was directed at the above comment.  What your previous bride did to you was point blank disrespectful, and making people wait 3 hours is awful on anyday, nevermind knowing about your newphew!  hopefully there won't be any thumb twiddling and we can keep our WP entertained by dropping them at my parents to socialize and/or starting the reception at 4:30. 

aerinpegadrak

For our wedding, the general call time was 12:00, but that was to ride the Roller Coaster and then have lunch, after which we got ready.  If one of the WP wanted or needed to opt out of that stuff and got ready on their own, they could have shown up as late as 4:30, when we started pictures.

As a WP member, I generally expect that it's going to take most of the day, but that's most of the day doing wedding stuff.  If I'm just sitting around killing time for hours on end, yeah, I'm going to be thinking of all the other ways that time could be better spent.  The only way I could see actually having 20 hours' worth of stuff to do for a wedding is if it's a multi-cultural thing where there are two separate ceremonies and receptions occurring.  All the weddings I've been involved in capped off at 12 hours max, and that was with some poor planning and standing around involved; most of the day, but you could still squeeze in some other things if necessary.

mrabbito

Hey Solana!
Thanks for going against the grain!!

bablingbrooke

mrabbito, what's the point of asking for advice if you're only looking for one answer?  That's validation.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_between?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c11a95b1-8cb6-4fe4-9150-64aed2f59f7bPost:732de637-66fc-408d-9f8e-4f021c506ab2">Re: What to do in between?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey Solana! Thanks for going against the grain!!
Posted by mrabbito[/QUOTE]

I love it when 22 replies say "Don't do it" and 1 says "Do what you want.  It's YOUR day!!!!!!!!!!" and that's the response that the OP chooses to heed.

I stand by my original response.  Let me look at your timeline. 

A noon ceremony means I can't really do anything in the morning.  By the time we get up, dressed, and travel to your ceremony, the morning is gone.  Then we sit for 4.5 hours.   The afternoon is shot.  I'm not going to do any kind of work so that I have to shower and dress again.

Then the reception starts at 5:30 and goes until what?  11 pm?  So I've just given my ENTIRE morning, afternoon and evening to your party.  It's a huge day for you~one that will take up your entire day and night.   You shouldn't be expecting your guests to give up 15-16 hours for your wedding.

mrabbito

i can't keep repeating myself. i said thank you to the previous posts for their ideas as well.  there were some good suggestions.  and thanks to solana b/c going against the grain b/c not making me feel guilty is kinda nice.
trix, you offered the suggestion of starting the reception earlier and again i said thank you. that's something we will definately consider. 
an alternate suggestion is that 4.5 hours isn't a big deal, and to talk to the WP about it. thank you. 
telling me this is a horrible plan and guests are going to hate me doesn't really help. it's done, the church is booked and deposits have been paid to the venue.  so i am looking for ways to make this work for the best. 

bablingbrooke

Here's the thing though: just because she told you what you wanted to hear doesn't make it true and/or something you should consider.  That's why you had a 20:1 ratio of "move up the reception":"make everyone wait it out".  No one, including and especially the WP, should have to block out an entire day and wait 4.5 hours between parties for what is, to over 90% of your guests, a 5 hour event.   

DH's church wasn't available for our wedding so we used a different one w/ the same priest we would have had at the other church.  Is that an option for you?

mrabbito

BBrooke,
changing the church would be a great way to get around this problem, however our family is quite attached to that church building....literally!  my mom was instrumental in the building of the new facility and has a plaque in her honor there, so you can imagine how important the church aspect is.

So i think we'll deal with a 4:30 start time as a solution.   of the 3 confirmed BM's (2 sisters, and FSIL) none of them see the gap start as a problem at all.  I do however, want to do the best we can for the guests.   Majority of the guests are within 30mins of us and the OOT guests are from way OOT so will already have a hotel or be staying with family.  I can't think off the top of my head any guest who would have to get a room when they had not intended on doing so anyway.  And as with any wedding there will be a few guests who can not make the ceremony or reception or either!

All the suggestions and chat in here make me wonder though, how much of your vision/budget/perference do you compromise for your guests?  i'm not being a smart a**, but asking seriously, do you put the guests convenience before your vision?  Changing from an evening dinner dance party to an afternoon reception is a fundamental change in style (in my eyes), and losing a $2000 deposit is a heavy blow to the budget.  I understand being flexible, but would brides make these sacrifices for their guests?  any bride who would take a $2000 loss, give up the venue that they love, or change the 'style' of their wedding for the sake of their guests is worthy of the bride of the year award!! 

banana468

Mrabbito FWIW, DH and I didn't "take a loss" when planning our wedding.  We just knew a few things going into it:

1) We were getting married in a Catholic Church and I was fairly set on it being the church in which I'd received all other Sacraments leading up to that point.

2) We wanted a venue that was within the budget set for us.

3) That venue had to be within reasonable driving distance of the church.

4) We did not want a gap at all.

5) We did want an evening reception because while an afternoon reception is lovely, it would have also turned into evening receptions at our parents' homes since that is expected of the crowd.  We didnt' want that for them knowing how busy they'd be so we went with evening so our parents could go home at the end of the night and just sleep.

So what we did was search for a venue that met the above criteria.  We went with the latest time for the ceremony and found a venue that let us arrive when WE wanted to get there.

There was no loss of deposit or crazy change.  We knew the reception was for our guests from the start and we did everything we could to make it easy on them.  Our vision could be in any place.  Having happy guests came from our planning.

bablingbrooke

I can totally understand wanting to get married in a specific place.  I just think you need to consider that by going with the specific location, you run the risk of not having all the people there whom you what to celebrate with.  If you move down the street to Church B, yes, you won't have that church, but you also wouldn't have the gap, and you may not lose as many people. 

A friend of mine had a DW this summer at her ideal location that was impossible to get to: Across the country plus a four hour drive in one of the most expensive areas in California.  Less than half her guest list was able to go due to the time, or cost, or both. She got married in the place of her dreams, but she was missing half the people she wanted there.  I wonder if she would have made that same choice again.

I'm not saying you're doomed to have a low turnout, or that you deserve one, it's just the reality of a 4.5 hour gap: There are a good number of people who may look at that and say, "Thanks, but no thanks" and send a gift and their regrets.  If you're okay with that, go for it.  It's your wedding, your decision.  I just hope you don't delude* yourself into thinking that everyone will be okay with it and that it won't hurt anything.

*Not quite the word I want to use but for lack of a better term, I'm going with it.

aerinpegadrak

I was in pretty much the exact same position as Stage.  Our funding didn't disappear, but the discount we were counting on did, and we were faced with the reality that we simply did not have the means of properly hosting our guests in our dream venue.  We could have gone with a cash bar, or cut back the food options, or whatever, but ultimately, my "vision" of the day boiled down to a good party with my closest friends.  So, a year in, we chucked nearly all of our plans and started over.  We still had a stylish and unique wedding, we just had to go about it in a very different way to make sure our guests would enjoy it as much as we did.  (And, by all accounts, we were successful in that.)

I think that holding to an ideal of what you think the day should be, and thereby neglecting the logistics and realities of what the day actually WILL be, is one of the biggest pitfalls of wedding planning.  And sticking to your "vision" at the detriment of the guests' enjoyment is just being a bad hostess, plain and simple.

skylarjo04

I don't necessarily see the gap as a major big deal but I can just share with you my experiences as a GUEST during weddings that had those large gaps:
1. My boyfriend's sister was getting married 6 hours away from where we live and almost all the guests were coming in from out of town. There was a gap between the ceremony and the reception so all the guests showed up at the reception hall before it was even ready! We had no idea where to go since it was a big city and we had never been there before, and we all had to wait outside and it was freezing!
2. My sister got married this summer and had a large gap between the ceremony and the reception. Everyone was welcome to go to their house where the reception was being held outside, but I felt that was just too much time to be sitting around doing nothing. So we went and got some lunch. Well by the time we got to the reception, we weren't hungry because we had already eaten and all the guests who showed up early had already started drinking and were already s***faced.

filaw

It's all very well to say that if she had planned ahead with the express desire *not* to have a gap, then maybe there would be no gap, but what's done is done, and at this point, the OP has put down money on the venue, and I totally understand her not wanting to forfeit 2 grand.

Now to be dealt with is just the problem of what to do with the situation at hand.  OP, I would also suggest moving the reception time to as early as you can afford (which sounds like you're already doing), and make it very clear to guests how to get to your parents house for the gap time.  I also concur that it's probably best to drop you WP off at the lunch (maybe you guys want to even stay there too?).