Ways to include ppl besides the bridal party

JoanneBL

 There are a couple of people who my FI and I would love to include in the wedding but since we wanted to keep the bridal party small, and our ceremony is short so I dont think we will need any readers, what are some other honorable suggestions? One is a female, and the other a male if that helps.

mysticl

One of my readers is doing a poem that isn't part of the ceremony but is my favorite poem and I wanted it read at the wedding.  This was a case of not what we needed but what I wanted.

SaraAndrew2010

They could be ushers/greeters and hand out programs.

aerinpegadrak

Guest.  Anything else is pity and everyone knows it.

mbcdefg

If you're not having readings, then I would just let them enjoy themselves as guests, rather than trying to think up a job for them.

I'd rather enjoy the wedding as a guest, rather than be put to work or get a pity job. People will understand that you can't include everyone as a bridesmaid.

jagore08

Guest.

ashhalsey

I'm struggling with this as well.  I have six really amazing girlfriends that I went to college with, but I'm only having three of them as bridesmaids.  One of the girls won't care - she'd rather wear flannel than a dress. Another I am asking to sing in the ceremony.  The last one though, I am afraid, might be upset if she is not a bridesmaid. I'm sure they will eventually understand, but I would love for them to feel special as well.  It's definitely not out of pity, but out of love. I would love for them to do readings, but I haven't actually thought into readings yet. Should I ask for them to wear our wedding color (lavender) to make them feel a part of the group? Or ask them to help in some other way?  And please don't respond with just "guest." I would like some thoughtful advice. Thanks ladies!

mbcdefg

Should I ask for them to wear our wedding color (lavender) to make them feel a part of the group?

No. If someone's not in the wedding party then you shouldn't be asking them to dress in a specific way.

Besides, they may wonder, "If I'm being asked to dress like a bridesmaid, why aren't I being asked to just BE a bridesmaid?"

Or ask them to help in some other way? 

Remember that there's a fine line between an honorable role and a job that involves work. Putting someone to work isn't honoring them.

And please don't respond with just "guest." I would like some thoughtful advice.

Suggesting that they enjoy themselves as guests IS thoughtful advice.

I am sure you're not inviting everyone you've ever known to your wedding, correct? So being an invited guest IS an honor. It's an honor for someone to attend your wedding and enjoy themselves (eat, drink, dance, mingle, have fun). It's not an honor for them to be in charge of a task while everyone else is off having a good time. Your friends shouldn't have to worry about anything on your wedding day (guestbook attendants have to worry about staying near the guest book and bugging people to sign it, for example).

Reader, singer/musician, or usher are really the only honorable roles in a wedding besides bridal party members. Otherwise, "guest" really IS the best bet.

You can always invite girlfriends to come hang out with you while you get dressed, if you wish. If you have the money, maybe treat them to getting their hair or makeup done. (Just don't involve them in anything where they HAVE to pay.)

bablingbrooke

Either ask them to be in the WP or keep them as guests.  People would rather be guests than work some pity job.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ways-include-ppl-besides-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c1f343e7-ae33-4e3d-bd85-e30ba4d09bcePost:a7c2fb51-959b-4ae2-8fc7-0795198b3bb9">Re: Ways to include ppl besides the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm struggling with this as well.  I have six really amazing girlfriends that I went to college with, but I'm only having three of them as bridesmaids.  One of the girls won't care - she'd rather wear flannel than a dress. :) Another I am asking to sing in the ceremony.  The last one though, I am afraid, might be upset if she is not a bridesmaid. I'm sure they will eventually understand, but I would love for them to feel special as well.  It's definitely not out of pity, but out of love. I would love for them to do readings, but I haven't actually thought into readings yet. Should I ask for them to wear our wedding color (lavender) to make them feel a part of the group? Or ask them to help in some other way? <strong> And please don't respond with just "guest." I would like some thoughtful advice</strong>. Thanks ladies!
Posted by ashhalsey[/QUOTE]

What's up with posters today asking for advice, then dictating how people respond? I agree with Malphabet. Being a guest is an honor. If I was asked to dress in the WP colors, I wouldn't. Let them be with you when you get ready. Other than that everything else is just work, and no fun.

jmsyroid

We are doing ushers and greeters for our other special people in our life. 

ashhalsey

All I meant when I said "And please don't respond with just "guest." I would like some thoughtful advice"  is that some brides in this community tend to get so edgy and "gang up" on one poster (not necessarily anyone here). Just looking for some inventive advice. I do appreciate all of your posts though - great insight.

trix1223

You don't get to dictate attire of people who are not in the WP.  That includes readers, ushers, candlelighters, parents, or....well anyone.

Telling someone to dress in the same colors as the WP, but not making them a member of the WP is, IMO, pretty insulting.  It pretty much screams to me:  you didn't make the  cut to actually be IN the WP, but I'm going to make you feel better by telling you to go buy a dress in a specific color to wear.  Would you be honored by that?  I wouldn't.

As for other advice:  advising you to let them be a guest IS thoughtful and helpful advice.  All too often, brides get so caught up in trying to "include" everyone that they forget that being a guest IS being included.

My DD had several weddings to attend this past summer.  At one point, she told me that she was sooooo glad not to have to be in the WP for them.  She didn't have to spend money that she didn't have on WP "stuff" and she could just go and enjoy the wedding and party. 

Being a guest is often a relief for people.  GL

ashhalsey

You basically said, "I hate all the advice you've already given, tell me something different." Please don't put words in my mouth. I did not at all intend to come off that way.

It implies that "have them come as a guest" is not thoughtful advice.  It's very thoughtful.  It involves the feelings of the person involved, which tend to get overlooked in this area. I'm not saying that this is a bad idea, nor am I a bride that needs to be coddled. I'm saying for two to three very close girlfriends, wouldn't it be nice to ask them to do something special? Also, when a bride has a 500-person guest list, that's not doing anybody any favors.

 They interpret anything not validating what they want as snark, an attack, or meanness.  I agree, but it is so easy for some brides to just type out and send whateer they are feeling...ouch.

It's also considered rude netiquette to hijack someone else's thread.
 I did not intend at all to "hijack" her thread. Is that not the point of the message board - to comiserate, share, and brainstorm together? Sometimes, I think alot of people feel too alienated to even comment. So JoanneBL, I'll turn this thread back over to you...Sorry I couldn't help add anything of value.

Telling someone to dress in the same colors as the WP, but not making them a member of the WP is, IMO, pretty insulting. Yeah, not my best idea.

bablingbrooke

I'm in no way putting words in your mouth.  However, that is the way that your post came across.  Oftentimes we say things and think they come across one way, but in reality they're perceived very differently.  And that doesn't make us bad people or the people on the receiving end bad people, but the effect is still there.  

ashhalsey

I understand that. It's late and I'm cranky...ugh. Iapologize ladies.  nEeD cHoCoLaTe

wph961

Ashhalsey, you don't sound cranky. I'm in the same boat so I understand what you mean when you say you want to make people feel included without making them bridesmaids.

I started another post on here "to have or not have a bridal party" (as of today its on p. 2 of this board). I ended up deciding not to have any bridesmaids, but i got some good advice on how to keep friends and family involved.

1) Even if someone isn't a bridesmaid, invite her to do all the bridesmaid things--bachelorette party, getting nails done the day before the wedding, and hanging out in the dressing room/getting hair done with you the day of.

2) Honor your friends who aren't bridesmaids by giving them a corsage to wear that matches the bridesmaids bouquets.

3) other actual ceremony stuff--readings, singing, playing guitar, whatever.....but it sounds like you already thought of this one.

I plan to do #1 and #2 with my female friends......our 3 brothers are going to be ushers........and 2 of my cousins are doing music.

Good luck!

roma14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ways-include-ppl-besides-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c1f343e7-ae33-4e3d-bd85-e30ba4d09bcePost:61d3d9e0-9590-4eeb-a0db-03b7afebcb63">Re: Ways to include ppl besides the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]Ashhalsey, you don't sound cranky. I'm in the same boat so I understand what you mean when you say you want to make people feel included without making them bridesmaids. I started another post on here "to have or not have a bridal party" (as of today its on p. 2 of this board). I ended up deciding not to have any bridesmaids, but i got some good advice on how to keep friends and family involved.<strong> 1) Even if someone isn't a bridesmaid, invite her to do all the bridesmaid things--bachelorette party, getting nails done the day before the wedding, and hanging out in the dressing room/getting hair done with you the day of. 2) Honor your friends who aren't bridesmaids by giving them a corsage to wear that matches the bridesmaids bouquets.</strong> 3) other actual ceremony stuff--readings, singing, playing guitar, whatever.....but it sounds like you already thought of this one. I plan to do #1 and #2 with my female friends......our 3 brothers are going to be ushers........and 2 of my cousins are doing music. Good luck!
Posted by wph961[/QUOTE]
This is probably too late to be helpful, but as someone who's feelings were just recently very hurt by not being asked to be a BM in a close friend's wedding (she was in mine recently), I would not like to be asked to to pre-wedding activities (minus showers and bachelorette) because I'm afraid I'll just be reminded again of my hurt feelings and how I wasn't 'good enough' to be a BM watching the bride interact with her BMs.  Probably immature, I know, but that's how I would feel.  IMO only a reader/usher is still an honor, I wouldn't want a corsage that says, 'you're a good friend, but not good enough to be a BM'.  However, everyone is different and maybe your friends would feel happy to be included in this way !

ashhalsey

The bottom line is that aside from WP members, readers, soloists, ushers, and candle lighters/gift bearers (if your religion calls for those), there is NOTHING else that is an actual "honor" position in a wedding.

Thanks ladies, for your short, sweet advice.