We disagree about siblings in the WP

ambermorley

My fiance have decided on 3 attendants on each side, 6 total, representing the people who've been most involved in our 6 years together. This was his idea, which I love, and the point was to designate that our BMs and GMs are those most involved in our relationship so old childhood friends wouldn't feel hurt when they're excluded.

The thing we disagree about is how to include our siblings. We each have one brother and one sister, and we're each the first sib to get married. Neither of us are crazy close to our siblings, but I know it would mean a lot to my family to be included in the party. We went to the same college as his sister, with whom I shared majors, a study abroad trip, and a house for a summer. Also, they will be with us for life and I feel it's appropriate to have them up there for our vows. He wants to find some other role for them, but usher or reader is just so clearly a runner-up role.

The other issue is that his younger brother is autistic and is unpredictable in social situations. Sometimes he's fine, sometimes he's a sullen, difficult a-hole. I can see why my fiance may be hesitant to include him, but I still feel the gesture is important.

We've had this discussion int he past, but never made a concrete decision. It is giving me some anxiety, and I want some feedback about how to diplomatically make this decision and get him on board.

Thanks!

bablingbrooke

Your FI obviously knows how his brother will react, probably better than you do, so defer to him on that one.  I'm certainly not advocating keeping him out because of his condition by any means, only that if this is the sort of thing that can cause problems it would be best not to ask him in the first place (I have an autistic cousin and nephew and they wouldn't handle anything like this very well).  Maybe his family can give some guidance on the matter. 

If you want all the siblings in the WP so badly, ask them all to be on your side.  But you don't get to tell him who should be on his side, just as he can't tell you who can be on your side.

deepcovejackie

Have your siblings stand up on your side.  You don't need to divide your WP by gender.  I think you're risking getting too hung up on numbers, and skating really close to using people as props to represent each year of your life together. I hope I haven't misunderstood your intention.

Your autistic BIL to be is a person with a disability.  I'm sure that folks would understand if there was some unusual behavior at the wedding.  It would be unfair to exclude him simply because of his disability.

ambermorley

Thanks, Jackie. I agree that including my BIL despite how he may behave is important. If he gets into a bad mood and decides he doesn't want to stand up on the wedding day, that's fine! It wouldn't ruin anything, and I wouldn't care if the sides were uneven. I would feel worse about them feeling excluded, especially my SIL who I also have a friendship with.

I was going to have both my sibs on my side, despite gender, anyway. We're already doing mixed gender parties.

The 6 people for 6 years thing was only a coincidence really. We brainstormed our top tier people, and it came out to 3 for each of us. I'm fine with having 5 on each side or uneven sides. The thing I worry most about is having hurt feelings or confusion or family drama.

bablingbrooke

Here's the thing though: If his autism is severe, it could cause him a lot of anxiety at the mere thought of being in the wedding.  Maybe it's not, I obviously don't know him.  But if your FI is saying that his brother can't handle it, you need to listen before you just charge off asking all his siblings.  Or see what the family has to say.  Some people with autism cannot handle change or being among lots of strangers very well; others can handle it with lots of preparation; others won't be able to handle it at all.  Which is why it is important to see what the family has to say for the brother's sake.  It might make you feel good that you extended the offer, but what if it would cause him anxiety?  That's all I'm saying is to consider that before making the decision.  

ambermorley

You're definitely right, Brooke. At a recent family wedding where the brother of the groom was the best man, his brother mentioned how is own toast would be great. So I think there is some willingness to participate, making it potentially hurtful.

deepcovejackie

One thing that might be helpful is both of you stay really flexible about what your future BIL can handle.  If it's a bad day for him, perhaps he can sit out parts of it, without too much pressure.

MairePoppy

My oldest son is autistic. He's difficult to read sometimes, because he doesn't use typical facial expressions. But he is still pretty sensitive and would feel hurt if he was being left out. He might not be able to easily communicate those feelings, though, and probably would just assign himself to a corner somewhere. 

As long as you remain flexible, I think it will be fine to give fi's brother the option of being in the wedding party or not. You seem to be okay with it being a last minute decision,so there shouldn't be a problem. If he can't cope with it the day of your wedding, he could escort his mom down the aisle and then sit with her during the ceremony.

It's nice that you are so considerate of both sets of siblings. I would include everyone to avoid hurting feelings.

[Deleted User]

How can someone with autism be called an a-hole?! That single line to me explains the story. You're too worried about being embarrassed or distracted that you would rather this person not be a part of your wedding. Remember the marriage part? If he's family and will be in your life don't worry about that part of the wedding. The only thing you should worry about with this individual is how he will react to being in such a setting an how he will respond to it for HIS sake.

ambermorley

Well actually those are my fiance's words - his brother - so maybe read the whole thread, in which I detail that I have no problem with him backing out if he feels uncomfortable - before you assume you know the whole story.

ambermorley

And I guess I didn't stress enough in my first post that my main concern is how to have the conversation with my fiance about including all siblings in the WP. Right now I want them, and he doesn't. My mentioning his brother's autism was to explain part of his hesitation. It's a non-issue for me.

So any more advice about how to convince my fiance to include all siblings?

MairePoppy

Amber-sometimes the siblings of the disabled have difficulties related to the disability. For instance, as children, they may have been embarrassed by the unusual behaviour of their siblings. Your fi may have heard hurtful remarks about his brother while he was growing up. Or the family may have made a lot of accommodations for the disabled brother and therefore it might have seemed like he (the brother) was the constant center of attention.

I think you should just assure your fi that it won't ruin your wedding if the brother's difficult behaviour kicks in, because you have a plan B. Let him know that you feel it's important to include all the siblings. Be patient with your fi and I'm sure this will work out well. Good Luck.

gottahavashorti

Let him know that you can have an alternate game plan prepared in case his brother isn't feeling comfortable with it at any point, particularly on the day of the wedding.  Have a seat reserved for him with your FILs so that he can sit with them if he decides he can't handle it that day.

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_disagree-siblings-wp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c240e526-29cb-483b-8390-478388e506bfPost:f43c8e81-121e-4e2d-ae82-77a7668c4210">We disagree about siblings in the WP</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance have decided on 3 attendants on each side, 6 total, representing the people who've been most involved in our 6 years together. This was his idea, which I love, and the point was to designate that our BMs and GMs are those most involved in our relationship so old childhood friends wouldn't feel hurt when they're excluded. The thing we disagree about is how to include our siblings. We each have one brother and one sister, and we're each the first sib to get married. Neither of us are crazy close to our siblings, but I know it would mean a lot to my family to be included in the party. We went to the same college as his sister, with whom I shared majors, a study abroad trip, and a house for a summer. Also, they will be with us for life and I feel it's appropriate to have them up there for our vows. He wants to find some other role for them, but usher or reader is just so clearly a runner-up role. The other issue is that his younger brother is autistic and is unpredictable in social situations. Sometimes he's fine, sometimes he's a sullen, difficult a-hole. I can see why my fiance may be hesitant to include him, but I still feel the gesture is important. We've had this discussion int he past, but never made a concrete decision. It is giving me some anxiety, and I want some feedback about how to diplomatically make this decision and get him on board. Thanks!
Posted by ambermorley[/QUOTE]

Siblings do not 100% automatically HAVE to be in the wedding party.  My brother is 11 and by the time he gets married I can be 43 years old.  Therefore,  it would be awkard to have all the young 20 somethings and me be 43 in the wedding party soley because I am his sister. 

Autistic adults can be unpredictable and it may be hard to stand at the alter and pose for pictures for long periods of time throughout the day. 

On another note, bridal parties do not have to be even.  Your fiance might have made up this idea because he only has 3 important, close people he could picture asking and he assumes wedding parties have to be even so he said you can have 3 and coincidently it equals 6 which symbolizes the years you've been together.

It's kind of unfair if you had 4 or 5 girls you had to have in your wedding party.  If you had 5 and had to choose 3 out of those 5, that's not really fair.  Like I said, wedding parties do not have to be even.  You're supposed to pick the closest people in your lives.  Best friends, siblings, etc.  And it's unlikely that you just happen to have 3 and he just happens to be 3.  It sounds like your trying to force your "3" each and might have other people you want to ask. 

bablingbrooke

If you need help from strangers on how to talk to your FI, then that's a bigger problem than a message board can help with.

As I said before, if you want all the siblings in, ask them all to stand on your side.  Otherwise it's up to your FI who he wants on his side.  You don't get to prod, cajole, or convince him to include people he doesn't want, even if they are family.

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_disagree-siblings-wp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c240e526-29cb-483b-8390-478388e506bfPost:dcd15548-b506-4b55-9428-e6c80dc18ac5">Re: We disagree about siblings in the WP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to We disagree about siblings in the WP : Siblings do not 100% automatically HAVE to be in the wedding party.  My brother is 11 and by the time he gets married I can be 43 years old.  Therefore,  it would be awkard to have all the young 20 somethings and me be 43 in the wedding party soley because I am his sister.  Autistic adults can be unpredictable and it may be hard to stand at the alter and pose for pictures for long periods of time throughout the day.  On another note, bridal parties do not have to be even.  Your fiance might have made up this idea because he only has 3 important, close people he could picture asking and he assumes wedding parties have to be even so he said you can have 3 and coincidently it equals 6 which symbolizes the years you've been together. It's kind of unfair if you had 4 or 5 girls you had to have in your wedding party.  If you had 5 and had to choose 3 out of those 5, that's not really fair.  Like I said, wedding parties do not have to be even.  You're supposed to pick the closest people in your lives.  Best friends, siblings, etc.  And it's unlikely that you just happen to have 3 and he just happens to be 3.  It sounds like your trying to force your "3" each and might have other people you want to ask. 
Posted by PeonyPrincesskdd[/QUOTE]

<div>Why does age matter? I am in my mid twenties and my oldest sister will be just shy of 40 when I get married. Does that matter to me? Am I excluding her just because of her age? NO. That is really shallow and putting form WAAAY before substance. I do agree that siblings do not HAVE to be included, but age is not a good reason to exclude.</div>