Bridesmaid Dress Issue- HELP

CBlakeslee

I'm a month away from the big day!

So here's the issue: I have one bridesmaid who has really slacked off in purchasing her dress. I have offered time and time again to help her by paying for the dress since it wasn't that expensive ($90 after taxes) or (if she was uncomfortable with that arrangement) paying for it now and having her pay me back later. Since January, when we picked the dress, she has declined my offer. Now when I check in with her, she says she hasn't had the money and will try to get the dress soon. I told her I would just get it. But now, David's Bridal doesn't have the dress any more.

WHAT DO I DO??? 

She is not the maid of honor, so I don't feel comfortable putting her in a different dress. And I'm NOT going to make the other girls buy a new dress. I don't want to punish her for not having the money, but I also don't want her in a different dress. I have been really easy about the accesories, letting each girl wear different shoes, etc. But I really wanted all the girls to have at least the same dress.

Only helpful advice on this situation please.

kmmssg

You know, we tell girls all the time that a BM's responsibilities are to get the dress, show up on time, sober, and smile for pics.

she didn't get the dress.  You know, it will just come down to this:  your value judgement of if you want her up there in a similar dress or if you want her to attend as a guest.  Neither decision is wrong here.  She had plenty of time to get the dress, you offered to help repeatedly, and she has put it off.  If she can't get the dress, she has taken herself out of the wedding.  Just do some soul searching for a minute and decide what is best.  Like I said, either decision is just fine.

Summer2011Bride

Did you ask her budget BEFORE deciding on a dress? It sounds like she just recently admitted she can't afford it, and my guess is she never could, but was too embarrassed to say that. Even though to you it's just $90, that's a lot for others.

You should have asked each girl her budget privately before looking at dresses. If you pick a dress and then say in front of the whole group, "So is $90 OK?" it really puts someone on the spot and makes them feel uncomfortable to speak up and say no if everyone else said yes.

What's done is done. I do understand having pride and not wanting to take someone else's money, so I get where she's coming from. What color/style is the dress? If it's an LBD, I would be tempted to let her wear something she already owns that is similar, or let her find another one for cheaper elsewhere. Like PP said, yes, the BM's only "duty" is to get the dress, but if budget was not discussed beforehand, I feel like part of this is on you as well. I would try one more time to offer to pay. If she doesn't accept though, she doesn't accept.

ETA: And since you said DB no longer carries the dress, it doesn't sound like you paying for it would work anyway. I would probably let her pick a similar dress in her price point or wear one she already owns if it works, especially if budgets weren't discussed earlier.

Athsea

can you encourage her to try and find it on recycledbride.com or ebay? David's dresses are easy to find used. 

CBlakeslee

Yes, budget was discussed before...

i have never head of recycledbride.com. Thanks for that little tidbit

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c3fe8c84-ee89-4121-8cfd-090fcb27f4e4Post:82a84220-d180-4600-be18-e573d1d54dcc">Re:Bridesmaid Dress Issue HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>First off, the last line of your post is incredibly off putting. It is very rude to tell other people how to post, and while we may be blunt, just because you don't want to HEAR the advice you may get does not mean it's unhelpful. I seriously almost don't want to help you just because of that little bit at the end, so you can see that it's likely to make things worse on you rather than better. However, I will offer my advice anyway.</strong> You have 3 choices. Try to find the dress used, let her wear a different dress, or don't have her in the wedding party. This is one of the VERY few times when the third option is acceptable, because she has essentially failed to do one of the few "duties" a BM actually has. Personally, if it were me and we couldn't find the dress anywhere, I'd let her wear something else because having the people I loved standing next to me was more important than matching attire. However, you are well within your rights to ask her to just attend as a guest if she cannot get the dress.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

This is why I didn't respond at first either. It's very rude to tell people how to post.

David's keeps pretty decent stocks of their dresses, so if it's just recently been discontinued, some location somewhere almost certainly still has it in or near her size.  My wedding gown had been discontinued for quite a while; I had to go to a David's on the other side of town to get it in my size, but it was there.  So I'd start calling around to a few locations and see what you can find.  Even if it's out of state, they'll often ship between stores.

Really, it just depends on how much you want them up there.  A couple of my attendants struggled to find a dress (and their one and only requirement was something black), but I told them that ultimately I wanted them up there with me even if all they had was pajamas, because I couldn't imagine getting married without them. Presumably that's why you asked them, after all.

Julia741

A bridesmaid dress is really important.

[Deleted User]

If the dress isn't available in the store or online, check ebay if you know her size & just order it. I was able to get 3 out of 4 of my bridesmaids dresses on e-bay. We had picked a dress from David's Bridal. We did ebay as a cost saving measure. Saved a huge amount of money.

One of my bridesmaids had pulled out of the wedding (before ordering dresses) due to cost, but didn't tell me why intiially. Once I figured out it was due to cost, my fiance and I said we would cover her expenses (except for shoes, my girls are picking out their own shoes) for the day because she is my childhood best friend and it was important to me for her to be a part of the wedding like we always talked about growing up. I offered & she accepted. It was a hard thing for us to go through together. So I can kind of relate to what you are going through. It may be easier to change her to do a reading or something else special.

One thing to consider, if you can't count on her to be honest with you and follow through on what she says she is going to do, do you think you will be able to count on her to be there for you on your big day?