To ask or not to ask?

caitweiss17

I got engaged this past May, and my fiance and created our WP over the summer. Now recently, my fiance and I have become close to a friend I've had for a couple of years and she has been very helpful over the past couple months with helping us with our wedding. I would really love to ask her to be a bridesmaid, but I know she is out of work right now and has very limited funds. As much as I want to ask her, I don't want to put any additional financial burden on her. Should I ask her, explaining that I understand if she can't, or find another way to honor her?

stina93446

If you want to ask her, ask her. Let HER decide if she can afford it. You're worrying about what ifs. 

bablingbrooke

If I had a nickel for every time someone started a post with this title...Poor Shakespeare must be rolling in his grave.

Ask her if you want her in the WP.  It's up to you to make sure you keep the costs in line with her budget and don't make her spend money on extraneous things (hair, makeup, jewelry, shoes, etc.).  But don't judge someone else's financial situation.  You'll almost always be wrong, and it's ultimately not your call.  Don't say, "I understand if you can't afford it" because even though your heart is in the right place, it comes across as, "I expect my BMs to spend a lot of money on me, so you've been warned."  I firmly believe that money shouldn't exclude someone from the WP, so if you want her in the WP find a way to make it cost-effective for her (get her budget before picking a dress, let her wear shoes she already owns, etc.).

aerinpegadrak

Just ask her.  Don't make her spend money on unnecessary things (like professional hair and matching shoes, though you shouldn't really be making anyone buy that stuff), and find out her budget in advance and keep it in mind when shopping for a dress.  Personally, I would add the cost of her outfit and any possible travel expenses into your budget.  DH knew from the outset that he wanted his best friend to be best man, and that said best man has been out of work for a very long time, so he planned from the start to pay for his tux.  We ended up financially assisting several of our attendants, because it was really important to us to have them up there.

caitweiss17

Sorry about the title. I've never been on these boards before.

Thank you for the advice, I really do appreciate it!

lalap69

Ask, if it's too much for her, she'll decline.

mbcdefg

Ditto PPs. Saying something like, "I understand if you can't afford it" makes it seem like you're putting a price on your friendship (even though it's clear that you just don't want her to overextend herself).

Just ask her, and if she has concerns she'll tell you. Otherwise, if she accepts, just say, "Awesome! What can you afford for a dress? We'll work with everyone's budget." Then either pick a dress in her price range, or chip in some cash to help her out.

Also, it's fine if you want to ask her to be a BM because you've gotten closer to her lately. But don't do it simply because you want to reward her for being so kind and helpful toward your wedding planning. If you want to thank her for her help, you could always take her out to dinner or give her a small gift. Or just write her a nice note of thanks, or take a second to hug her and thank her personally for being so nice.

graysquirrel

If it is very important to you to have her stand with you as a BM, ask her. She will be able to tell you if she doesn't feel right about it. Another option might be to have her be a reader. She would not have to spend any extra money on your wedding at all but would still be able to play a part in your day. 

Manwaithiel

OP, stick around for awhile. I think you'll like it here and you'll get great advice.

Just ask your friend. I'm sure she'll be honored by the invitation.

bablingbrooke

I didn't mean to insult your choice of title; it's just a pet peeve of mine since this is a wedding board and in the context of Hamlet the "To be or not to be" soliloquy is Hamlet debating whether he's going to commit suicide.  

cowgirlkitkatt

one thought is to not have matchy matchy BM dresses. Have everyone pick there own style dress but in a color youve picked out. Then if money is an issue for her she could pick something on the "more afforadable" side of things (I dont like the word cheap). That also would take out alot of headache for you and your BM's on figuring out a style that fits everyone well.

BTW i agree with the PP's ask her if you want her there.