M-I-L calling shots she shouldn't?

traylakelly

My fiance and I are having a smaller 50-70 person wedding. We chose to have 2 attendants each and decided that they should be our closest friends based on me having 6 brothers and sisters, in leiu of having some feel cheated or slighted. His mother went with me gown shopping and started asking questions about wedding size and who was going to be in it. So I felled her in. 3 months later she called my fiance and asks him the very same questions and acted shocked when she got the very same answers I gave her...Like she didn't believe me? Then she said to him," Well isn't your sister going to have a part in this?" Meaning, isn't she going to be in the wedding? I felt like this was ignorant and rude! I knew it was going to make my fiance feel guilty and ask if his sister can be in the wedding.  He admitted that he does feel guilty. Then she starts asking if his sister can have some kind of "job" in the wedding, a reading. She finally text me and asked. I told her no because of how many siblings I have that don't get to, and we don't want any readings. I am paying for the wedding myself. $15,000  on my end. They're contributing the rehearsal dinner and the bar service for the wedding. Am in wrong in telling her no and thinking she's crass for making my fiance feel guilty about it?

banana468

I think you and your FI need to come up with a way to handle her so that all of this comes from him.

If it's from you, her anger can be at 'my crazy DIL' however when it's her son, it has a way to be taken as final and not as if he's blameless.

Figure out the best way to handle this.  It may be asking her to do a reading or asking her to stand on his side.  Just remember that sides don't need to be even, but she's going to to be family forever.

Only you two know the best way to do this, however if this is all from his mother, is it possible that she's stirring up drama?

traylakelly

This sister in law to be has never made real attempt to get to know me... she talks to my fiance about 1X every 3 months. We are FAR closer to my family than his...and I'm supposed to put this person in my wedding or give her a job? I feel like his mother was very manipulative in making him feel guilty about it.

emilyinchile

Can he talk to his sister and find out if she cares of if it's just their mom? If his sister's going to hold some kind of family grudge, it might be worth involving her somehow. Maybe she could be an usher. But if it's just the mom making drama, get FI to stand up to her.

gottahavashorti

It sounds like it is his mom that cares and not his sister.  He can just keep repeating to her that it would not be fair to your siblings to give his sister a role in the wedding and not give one to your siblings - end of discussion.

CTGirl30

Since you've already told FI's sister no...it might be best to have FI be the one to reiterate to his mother that "Traylakelly and I have already asked our wedding party." And then change the subject if she keeps harping on it. It's not up for debate and if the conversation can't continue if your FI makes it clear he's not going to discuss it any further. But yeah, since it's his mom I'd let him handle it and present a united front that you two chose together and it's your decision and that's that.

This can be a sticky situation, though, because it really depends on the family and the expectations - in some families nobody really bats an eyelash if siblings aren't automatically asked to be in the WP but in other family's panties get into a serious bunch if siblings are not the automatic WP choices. So use your judgement here - if you think the sister REALLY wants to be a part of it (and have FI ask her privately) and it's not a matter of Mom interfering, then you can reconsider if it would cause major drama for years and years to come. But only you guys know the family dynamics. If it's not a big deal to anyone but FMIL, then adopt tactic A and have your FI stand firm in your decision as a couple.

This may also be an opportunity to set some boundaries as a couple with regard to her future influence on decisions you two make as a couple.

krmabojo

I think you need to have the people that you care about the most in your wedding. You do not need to just fill spaces because someone tells you to.

traylakelly

Thanks for all of your input, ladies! It's confirmed, I'm not bridezilla!!
He did tell his mother that I found a job for his sister, then she asked what the job was. He sidestepped it and didn't tell her, because we think MIL was trying to decide if it was good enough...I'm starting to believe that maybe she is just drumming up a good old fashioned barrel of drama. Unnecessary. I sure hope she doesn't do it on the weekend of the wedding!