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Best Man Switcharoo

So my fiance jumped the gun last year and mentioned to a good friend of his that he'd like him to be his best man.  Now its a year later and this friend has moved out of town and their friendship has grown apart. 
The FI still wants him to be in the wedding, but he has become a lot closer with another of his good friends and would now rather have him be the best man. 
I can't decide what to advise him to do because I don't want to hurt anyones feelings or make for an uncomfortable situation between the new and old best man if he did make the switch. 
Has anyone had this issue before?  What should I tell him?

Re: Best Man Switcharoo

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    So he officially said "will you be my best man" after you guys got engaged? If so, that is his best man. He could have two best men; however demoting one will cause hurt feelings and could probably end the relationship.  If he never 'officially' asked  he could just ask the other guy to be best man...but once again, it will probably cause hurt feelings.
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    There's no good way to say, "Hey, I made a mistake so now I'm going to demote you." It's a giant slap in the face to bump this guy down to groomsman just because your FI jumped the gun, and it's a good way to ensure that their friendship will never really be the same after that. Plus, I would bet that it'd make the new Best Man feel super-awkward.

    It's a one-day, meaningless position. Demoting him will accomplish nothing except making everyone involved feel like crap. A fancy title isn't what makes a friend feel appreciated ... actual appreciation and friendship is what will make someone feel good.

    He should just suck it up and keep everyone in their original roles. If the other friend has been especially great, I would suggest to your FI that he take him out for a nice dinner or something to thank him for his friendship.
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    Don't make the switch.  At absolute most have co-Best Men, but a year later seems too late to decide to have co-Best Men to me.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_man-switcharoo?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c754e7fb-8036-4b2c-9166-6d9cc68e7630Post:697fc70e-fa59-4ad0-aa17-1cb8be1f156d">Re: Best Man Switcharoo</a>:
    [QUOTE]Don't make the switch.  At absolute most have co-Best Men, but a year later seems too late to decide to have co-Best Men to me.
    Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_man-switcharoo?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c754e7fb-8036-4b2c-9166-6d9cc68e7630Post:d429cad0-7ad6-456a-ba82-be9a34e7ad6a">Re: Best Man Switcharoo</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ditto everyone else.  Demoting his current Best Man will likely end the friendship and will definitely make him look HORRIBLE, especially just because he's closer with someone else now.  If he really insists on giving this other guy the title, have two best men.  <strong>But my experience is that, with the exception of siblings, most guys don't get too wrapped up in the whole whos-who of the wedding party, so I'd just advise him to leave it alone.</strong>
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Exactly. But you can do co-Best Men if you really, really want to. But I'd be more inclined to leave it.
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    I think that changing around the titles now is asking for a whole lotta drama for very, very little benefit.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_man-switcharoo?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c754e7fb-8036-4b2c-9166-6d9cc68e7630Post:d4a1c227-21ec-4d65-b7de-3be540a5201c">Re: Best Man Switcharoo</a>:
    [QUOTE]Remember-<strong>guys aren't that sensitive.</strong>  They fight once and it's done.  Girls-we manage to keep it going for years.  I would say go ahead and switch around. Most guys are understanding. A cousin of mine had a friend get married recently.  Growing up you would think they were brothers and were for sure going to be each other best mans or men but they grew apart a bit and were ok with just being each other's groomsmen.
    Posted by SeptemberFall2011[/QUOTE]

    That's just rude. Just because the guy may not hold a grudge, doesn't mean he doesn't have any feelings at all. People should not be "graded" and switched around as relationships change in the WP.

    Once you make a decision, you live with it and you accept the consequences. It's okay to grow apart. It isn't okay to take back an invitation that was accepted (in this case, an offer to be the BM).
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    [QUOTE]Remember-guys aren't that sensitive.  They fight once and it's done.  Girls-we manage to keep it going for years.  I would say go ahead and switch around. Most guys are understanding. A cousin of mine had a friend get married recently.  Growing up you would think they were brothers and were for sure going to be each other best mans or men but they grew apart a bit and were ok with just being each other's groomsmen.
    Posted by SeptemberFall2011[/QUOTE]
    There would have been a whole lot of hurt if DH had demoted his best friend since 7th grade from Best Man to Groomsman a year after telling him he was the BM, even if there wouldn't be as much outward drama as some girls would have in the same situation.  But then again, they have a bit of Turk and J.D. guy love going on there.
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    I get that most people think this is a terrible idea, but my FI had the same kind of situtaion. His friends was supposed to be the best man and then he out of the blue stopped talking to my FI. He's tried more than once to get ahold of him and try to talk things out. But instead things turned for the worst. So after termoil my FI decided that his brother was going to be his Best man. All I'm saying is that situations change. This wasnt for the best but it happened for a reason. If he's really your FI's best friend he'll understand.
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    This is why you wait until closer to the wedding to choose the bridal party.
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    Just because you choose someone else as a Best Man doesn't mean it has to be a very public slight" heyimbren.  Who says your guests are going to be that privy to the bridal party decision process?  The guy not chosen might be hurt but chances are he would be embarrassed to mention it so no one but the couple,him and maybe the new Best Man would know.  Maybe calling up the original friend who moved and saying "hey, how's it going?  Are you still going to be able to make it to the wedding?  Since you're now living out of town I was thinking of asking another friend to also be a Best Man to help take care of locally wedding stuff.  That way you don't have to worry about helping out from far away if you don't have the time.  What do you think?"

    Or send an email if talking might be too awkward but phone is probably better.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_man-switcharoo?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c754e7fb-8036-4b2c-9166-6d9cc68e7630Post:75f9cebf-9260-4190-8caf-e2ac8540126e">Re: Best Man Switcharoo</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just because you choose someone else as a Best Man doesn't mean it has to be a very public slight" heyimbren.  Who says your guests are going to be that privy to the bridal party decision process?  <strong>The guy not chosen might be hurt but chances are he would be embarrassed to mention it</strong> so no one but the couple,him and maybe the new Best Man would know.  Maybe calling up the original friend who moved and saying "hey, how's it going?  Are you still going to be able to make it to the wedding?  Since you're now living out of town I was thinking of asking another friend to also be a Best Man to help take care of locally wedding stuff.  That way you don't have to worry about helping out from far away if you don't have the time.  What do you think?" Or send an email if talking might be too awkward but phone is probably better.
    Posted by bdriley[/QUOTE]

    It is a pretty public slight, and it's rude even if not everyone knows about it. Perhaps there aren't many people who know about it, but usually once the WP has been picked, word gets around.

    Also, if someone demoted me from the WP, I wouldn't be embarrassed to mention it. It looks bad on the part of the couple, not the attendant. Nothing for the BM to be embarrasesd about.

    OP, don't suggest to the BM that he should step down if he "doens't have time". In asking someone that, it doesn't leave much choice to the BM but to step down. It gives the impression that you don't want them to be the BM, but you don't want to be "the bad person" and just demote them.

    If it's to awkward to do over the phone, you're probably doing the wrong thing.
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    There's no way to demote the current best man without really hurting his feelings.

    He might get over it and forgive, he might not.  But either way, this isn't how friends treat each other.  

    My best friend would forgive me if a stole from her, but that doesn't mean it would be ok.  

    Your FI needs to leave it alone.  
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