Bridesmaids-Who's in? Who's out?

Elena9420

I am a California girl who grew up with the same 3 best friends through grade, middle, high school, college and beyond. Three years ago I moved to Texas for work. While in TX, I made 3 really great girl friends who I am much closer to now then I am to my old best friends from CA. A couple months ago I moved back to California. I was excited to be close to my family and friends again hoping that we would reconnect and hang out like we did in the good old days. That has not been the case. Several months ago my 3 oldest and "so called" best friends from California snubbed me on my birthday opting for a trip together to the desert which they knew I was unable to attend. My feelings were exteremly hurt and I questioned what our friendship meant to these 3 old friends. As you can imagine, nothing has been the same since. We don't talk, we don't email, we don't keep in touch.

Now that I am engaged, I am having a very difficult time deciding who I want as my bridesmaids. On one hand I want to be surrounded on my wedding day by friends I know I can count on and have been there for me without question. But on the other hand I feel guilty about not having any of these 3 girls I grew up with in my wedding.

How do I decide who is in my bridal party? And how do I break the news to the girls who I don't select as bridesmaids?? HELP

frogurt814

Ask the people that are closest to you.

As for "breaking the news" to the ones you don't ask, don't do that.  They will figure out they are not BMs.  If they ask you about being a BM (which they shouldn't, because it would be rude) either say "we haven't picked our WP party yet", if you haven't actually picked them, or if you have picked them then just tell them who you have picked.

emilyinchile

How do I decide who is in my bridal party?

You ask your closest friends, the people you'd call at 3am to bail you out of jail. That's it - it's not about even sides, people who asked you to be a BM, high school promises or even gender. Depending on how your/FI's family works, you may also need to include siblings to avoid family drama.

And how do I break the news to the girls who I don't select as bridesmaids??

You don't. "Let me tell you all the reasons you're not good enough to be a bridesmaid" is not a conversation that's going to go well. Ask the people you want, and if someone else asks if they're included just say that you've already chosen your WP. Don't get sucked into explaining why.

CTGirl30

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-whos-whos-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c75ae980-b878-4d59-8a86-97fac88e4b77Post:ab33c947-b18f-495f-8879-5ba5871079a3">Bridesmaids-Who's in? Who's out?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a California girl who grew up with the same 3 best friends through grade, middle, high school, college and beyond. Three years ago I moved to Texas for work. While in TX, I made 3 really great girl friends who I am much closer to now then I am to my old best friends from CA. A couple months ago I moved back to California. I was excited to be close to my family and friends again hoping that we would reconnect and hang out like we did in the good old days. That has not been the case. Several months ago my 3 oldest and "so called" best friends from California snubbed me on my birthday opting for a trip together to the desert which they knew I was unable to attend. My feelings were exteremly hurt and I questioned what our friendship meant to these 3 old friends. As you can imagine, nothing has been the same since. We don't talk, we don't email, we don't keep in touch. Now that I am engaged, I am having a very difficult time deciding who I want as my bridesmaids. On one hand I want to be surrounded on my wedding day by friends I know I can count on and have been there for me without question. But on the other hand I feel guilty about not having any of these 3 girls I grew up with in my wedding. How do I decide who is in my bridal party? And how do I break the news to the girls who I don't select as bridesmaids?? HELP
Posted by Elena9420[/QUOTE]

It looks like your wedding is next August, if your bio is correct. You can still wait a couple of months before asking anyone - you don't need to do that until 7-9 months out.
1. Ask your dearest friends.
Friendships change and sadly, sometimes people drift apart. It sounds like that's the case with the 3 girls you grew up with. if you don't think your friendships with some or all of them are repairable and you're ready to let go, then don't ask any of them out of guilt from having had a sense of history together at one point but are no longer close with now.

2. Don't ask people based on whom you think would be the best helper, etc. If you need someone to count on let that be your FI. BMs do not have to plan your wedding or lend "support" - not a word you specifically used but many brides do. Weddings are not sad occasions - this a fun, happy event! Support is needed in times of crisis. Thankfully weddings don't fall into that category. If you feel overwhelmed, then you and your FI shoudl scale back to what you can handle or hire a professional wedding planner. So with all that said, now that you're not expecting BMs to help plan or any of that, you ask the people you want to honor as your closest friends (going back to point 1). So again, it's not a job description or a slot you fill out of guilt or a sense of obligation - it's a way to honor those closest to you.

3. You NEVER sit someone down and tell them why they weren't asked. That's very hurtful and a terrible conversation to have with someone. They will figure it out eventually on their own but if someone should ask you who your BMs are, at that point you can say "The bridesmaids have all been asked. They're Susan, Jane, and Becky." And then leave it at that.

mbcdefg

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-add-another-bridesmaid

stephdonjon

Ditto. Choose your closest friends (or family works too) and you don't bring it up around anyone not chosen. They'll find out eventually, and it won't be via one of the most awkward conversations you could ever have.

I remember choosing my BMs was both a difficult and easy task. I knew who I wanted to pick, but I was afraid of hurting other people's feelings. I limited myself to 3 - my sister, and my two closest friends from school. Just yesterday I went shopping with one of my school friends, whose also roommates with the 2 BMs, so when she was asking about wedding stuff, I just steered clear of bridesmaid dress talk so as not to pour salt into the wound or anything. But I also didn't launch into an explanation of why I didn't pick her. The awkward passed quickly and everything was fine after that.