REALLY do not want a particular groomsman.

potterybygrace

Not sure if this has been posted before, so here's my dilemma;

My fiance wants to ask one of his "best friends" to be a groomsman, and I can't stand the guy. We have been together for 3 years and from the beginning of our relationship this "friend" quit his well paying job and has been a total loser and alcoholic. He has totally taken advantage financially of his friendship with my fiance and mooches off his nine year girlfriend. In the three years that I have known him, he has not once been to visit his kids. 

My fiance says he is a good guy who is just going through a rough patch and has been there for him in the past. He has not asked him to be in the wedding party so far, but I also know this sleezeball asssumes he is in the wedding party.  My fiance says his friend will be so hurt if he's not standing up there. 

I told him he could be an usher, but I REALLY do not want him standing up there. We hardly hang out with him anymore, because he drives me crazy, so I can almost bet that in 10 years he will be out of our lives. I want people standing up for us, who will always be involved in our lives. Also for some background: another "friend" more like frenemy of mine, has continued to bad mouth our relationship, so at my fiance's request, she will not be invited to the wedding. However, from what my fiance says, the sleezeball is supportive of our relationship and is looking forward to the wedding.

Does anyone have any advice as to how I can handle this situation?

Kate61487

He picks his side you pick yours.  No problem!

MrsL2014

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_really-do-to-want-a-particular-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c767f131-11df-48f6-a362-32f91d203518Post:55039360-6441-4598-b5fc-c393ce1f58c4">Re: REALLY do not want a particular groomsman.</a>:
[QUOTE]He picks his side you pick yours.  No problem!
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

I agree. You should be able to have the people on your side that you want and he should be able to have whoever he wants on his site. I know it is hard, but if this man means so much to your fiance then im sure you love your fiance enough to let him ask the man to be in the wedding.

Summer2011Bride

FI should be able to pick the guys (or women) that he wants to stand up on his side. Put yourself in his shoes--if he didn't like a dear friend of yours, would you want to not ask her, even if she was important to you?

GoodLuckBear14

Too bad.  It's his decision.

calliopeia2013

So, it sounds like you've already done the first thing I'd recommend, which is talk to your FI and make your concerns clear. But since you've done so and he disagrees, I think it pretty much gets to be his choice. I don't agree with the party line on this site that each person should pick their side completely independently of the other person's opinion. I think it's kind of antithetical to the spirit of working together and compromise that you should be trying to create in a marriage. But I also don't think that any of your reasons for excluding this guy really rise to the level of reasonable reasons to ask your FI to exclude him. It sounds like you disapprove of his lifestyle, but also like his lifestyle has no impact on you or really most other people. If he were rude to you, sexist, disrespectful of your relationship, etc, then I would say you are justified. You just seem to think his character is lacking in a way thay doesn't affect you. And your FI knows it, forgives him, and loves him anyway. I think you should let this one go.

aerinpegadrak

Has this guy made a pass at you since you've been with your FI?  Has he assaulted you?  Has he committed a crime against you?

If you can't answer yes to any of these, you don't get a veto.  If you try to make your FI choose between you and his friend, you might not like what he picks.

goobersinlove

It doesn't sounds like he's done anything personally against you to make you dislike him, you just think he's a loser because you don't like his lifestyle. Sorry, but you need to suck it up.

kmmssg

I'm in the you pick your side, he picks his camp.

Since this guy hasn't been mean or cruel to you, step back and let it go.  I want you to consider the position you are putting FI in.  He has a very close friend who is going down a bad road.  He is trying to be a good friend and not abandon him.  (We will save the enabling alcoholics chat for another time).  If it is important to FI to have him in your wedding then you need to support FI.

It would be entirely different if this guy was always disrespectful/mean/cruel to you, was a druggie, thief, etc.  If he poses no threat to your guests please step back and support whatever decision FI makes here.  I'm guessing he really needs your support because he sees his friend going downhill.

I promise, if you CHOOSE to not let this guy bother you, he won't.  If you CHOOSE to make this some kind of drama, the only person setting you up for disappointment is you.  Let it go and choose to be cool with it.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_really-do-to-want-a-particular-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c767f131-11df-48f6-a362-32f91d203518Post:a7da9c54-5382-45ad-99d1-c1a9d498763f">REALLY do not want a particular groomsman.</a>:
[QUOTE]Not sure if this has been posted before, so here's my dilemma; My fiance wants to ask one of his "best friends" to be a groomsman, and I can't stand the guy. We have been together for 3 years and from the beginning of our relationship this "friend" quit his well paying job and has been a total loser and alcoholic. He has totally taken advantage financially of his friendship with my fiance and mooches off his nine year girlfriend. In the three years that I have known him, he has not once been to visit his kids.  My fiance says he is a good guy who is just going through a rough patch and has been there for him in the past. He has not asked him to be in the wedding party so far, but I also know this sleezeball asssumes he is in the wedding party.  My fiance says his friend will be so hurt if he's not standing up there.  I told him he could be an usher, but I REALLY do not want him standing up there. We hardly hang out with him anymore, because he drives me crazy, so I can almost bet that in 10 years he will be out of our lives. I want people standing up for us, who will always be involved in our lives. Also for some background: another "friend" more like frenemy of mine, has continued to bad mouth our relationship, so at my fiance's request, she will not be invited to the wedding. However, from what my fiance says, the sleezeball is supportive of our relationship and is looking forward to the wedding. Does anyone have any advice as to how I can handle this situation?
Posted by potterybygrace[/QUOTE]

potterybygrace

Ok...ok ladies. Thank you for helping me to see that the day is also not all about me! 

I did have a chat with my fiance and asked him what it meant to have this guy stand up for him. He explained his feelings, however he also expressed his current frustrations with this guy. I suspect he is starting to see his friend's true colors regarding their friendship. 

I told him I would be fine if he decides to ask him to be in the wedding. So we will see what happens! 

Thanks again ladies, have a blessed day!

CowgirlK39

My FI almost had a similar guy in the WP. He is obnoxious, and acts like a 14 year old little boy, making stupid comments and doing stuff he thinks is funny but everyone else finds rude. This guy was notorious for becoming extremely drunk and getting thrown out of places, and we KNEW that would happen at our wedding.

All I did was tell Fi how I felt, and let him stew on it. If your FI is starting to stew, let him really think about it himself without any comments from you. Maybe he will reconsider, and if he doesn't, I guess it's kinda tough cookies for you.

Blue_Bird

There's honestly nothing you can do about it.  I can understand his not wanting a friend there who doesn't support your relatonship, even though ultimately, it's your decision.  However, you have no business asking him to eliminate his friend simply because you don't care for his lifestyle.

Sorry.