How to break the news...("bridesmaid woes")

rbtrumpet

I have a friend back home, who, for the last...probably 9 years...all she's talked about is how we're going to be each other's maid of honor.  I've never felt very close to this person, and honestly don't want her in my wedding party.  But she is VERY emotionally unstable.  I fear that when she finds out she's not in my wedding party, she will be SUPER mad at me (like, may not even come to the wedding!).  I have no clue how to talk to her!

I've talked to her once since I got engaged, and she was talking about when she could come out, and how she was going to throw me a bridal shower, and all sorts of stuff.  Fortunately that was days after my engagement, so the actual topic of bridesmaids didn't come up.

Now, we're sending out save-the-dates soon, with links to the website, which has our wedding party info on it.

My question:
Should I call her and warn her beforehand that she's not in the WP (I did this to another close friend I also couldn't ask, but I at least felt comfortable talking to the her - I knew she'd be sad, but not devastated)?  Should I wait for her to see the website and realize she's not in my WP?

Any tips on what I should say to her when we do talk?

We are already pretty full in people who are doing "stuff" for the ceremony (reading, ushering, singing, etc...), I honestly don't think we have room for her to be involved anywhere, but I'm afraid of her reaction when she realizes she's not going to be involved.....

bablingbrooke

No!  Do NOT have the "here's why you're not a BM" conversation with anyone, especially the emotionally unstable.  It's basically saying "here's why you didn't make the cut" and even the most stable person would take it as a blow.  If she asks why she's not a BM, just say you couldn't ask everyone you would have wanted to but that you can't wait to see her at the wedding as a guest.  Since you're about 6 months out, she probably at least has an inkling that she's not a BM.

I always ask in these situations: why are you friends with someone so draining?  It sounds like she's very high maintenance and you have to walk on eggshells around her.  I'm just curious.

mbcdefg

You don't owe her an explanation, and she's incredibly rude if she demands one from you. Don't explain to someone why they didn't make the cut.

If she is upset, it's her own fault for getting her hopes up. If she asks why she's not a bridesmaid or MOH, just say, "We've already selected our wedding party and of course we couldn't include everyone we care about. We'd love for you to be there and enjoy yourself as a guest!"

If she throws a fit or declines, then that's not your problem. You're probably better off without her there. And if you live far away from her, you won't even have to talk to her in person, right?

Are you even really friends with her, since you say you're not close? Or are you just inviting her to appease her? You don't have to invite her just because she's unstable. If you don't want to be friends, maybe now is a good time to make a clean break.

And for what it's worth, a bridesmaid does not need to be the bridal shower hostess. Anyone who feels like throwing you one can do it. So if she's nothing more an invited guest and still wants to throw you a shower, that's fine.

rbtrumpet

well, I'm 6 months out, but I've only been engaged for 2 weeks, so it's not "out" yet who the WP is....

well, "why are you friends with her?" is kind of a hard question to ask - you have friends you pick, and friends who pick you.  Like I said, I've never felt close with her, and you probably understand why I don't want her in my party... But we lived in the same hall for 2 years in college, and were involved in the same groups, so we're friends...

aerinpegadrak

"If I had everyone I love up there with me, there would be no one in the audience."

But only if she asks.  Telling her, "You're not a BM and here's why" unprompted is just cruel, no matter whta her situation.

stina93446

Ditto aerin, don't tell her "you're not a bm because of A, B, and C". Just avoid talking about WP things with her. It was rude of her to ask.

lizstill13

Don't bring it up unless she asks and then sugar coat. Like pp said, just say there wasn't enough room and you really can't wait to party with her at the reception. Done.

krmabojo

Do not bring it up to her at all. She will get the hint once she sees the invite. If she is that upset about it, then she might not come.

That is not your fault. Remeber, SHE was the one always talking about herself being your BM, you did not bring it up.

choxie_77

I agree with the other comments. You for sure should not bullet point why she's not a BM. My finace and I just had to deal with a similar situation where his friend - and someone I had hung out at most with about 2 times during the course of a year - just knew she was going to be a BM in our wedding. She would always be saying, "I CALL BRIDESMAID! I CALL BRIDESMAID IN YOUR WEDDING!" I was like, Umm I don't even know you." She's a little "presumptive by nature" so I can understand where you are coming from.

This was something that was talked about 9 years ago. People and relationships change, so if she really WAS/IS your friend she shoudl be understanding of whom you've chosen for your WP.

Stand your ground on this one.

ejoyce8

I had to have that uncomfortable conversation and it wasn't fun. I think people should know not to ask and if they do just let them know that you weren't able to invite all of your friends into the WP. hopefully she will understand...she probably already got the hint since she hasn't been asked yet.