bridesmaid dropout WTF!!

ashleychris

So. we are having a destination wedding and have told everyone about it for over 9 months. plenty of time to plan an save. Well i have a bridesmaid. the one i have done the most planning with, since the other 2 are out of state. Today she sends me  an email saying she cant make it since she lost her job(this wasnt a surprise, she thought it was going to happen for a few months). Well i understand that things are tighter, but her and her husband make twice what me and my FI do. and she buys new crap all the time, just because she likes it. How do i deal with her? and how do i ask her to pay me for the dress i ordered for her?because she told me a month ago she is for sure coming(i am paying for the dresses and suits since they are paying for there trip)

Francesvm

While it's true that they may make more money than you and your fiance, you may not have the same type of financial obligations they do. They may spend more on housing, cars, etc. because they make more so losing one persons income may have more of an effect than you think. A destination wedding is a big deal and while I would be all about it going for a friends wedding, its much more of a commitment than having a local wedding. I would be upset too if I were in your position although I think its important to be objective and understand that your wedding is a higher priority to you than it is to her so be the bigger person, do your best to understand and keep your friendship intact. As for the cost of the dress, I would try and return the dress to recoup some of the cost otherwise I would just eat the cost myself and let it be. I'm sure your friendship is worth more than the cost of the dress. Good luck. 

ashleychris

I am not trying to tell her how to spend her money, I just wanted to know that she wasnt coming, or give me an indication that she might not come, a couple weeks ago before i had ordered her dress.  They are not having daily money troubles. they just spent all of there money on a vacation to mexico that they booked 2 weeks ago.  Plus. sending me an email to tell me is just tacky.  My fi is starting a new business and such so am extra 200 goes a long way....

ashleychris

they spend the same on there bills as we do, just in different places.

ashleychris

i am trying to debate if the friendship is worth it. She is a person that needs all of the attention. i am not, i want a dinner on my birthday at the time and place of my choosing,and i want the wedding to be about me and my fi

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dropout-wtf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c8b17af3-8006-499c-864d-d539de33f66ePost:8bc9f8fc-5667-4e4a-a727-1e4f288865d4">bridesmaid dropout WTF!!</a>:
[QUOTE]So. we are having a destination wedding and have told everyone about it for over 9 months. plenty of time to plan an save. Well i have a bridesmaid. the one i have done the most planning with, since the other 2 are out of state. Today she sends me  an email saying she cant make it since she lost her job(this wasnt a surprise, she thought it was going to happen for a few months). Well i understand that things are tighter, but her and her husband make twice what me and my FI do. and she buys new crap all the time, just because she likes it. How do i deal with her? and how do i ask her to pay me for the dress i ordered for her?because she told me a month ago she is for sure coming(i am paying for the dresses and suits since they are paying for there trip)
Posted by ashleychris[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>She lost her job! And how they spend their money is none of your business. And you had originally offered to buy the dress, so I think you can sell it online, but to ask her to pay for it is weird. YOU already agreed you'd pay for it.

</div>

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]So. we are having a destination wedding and have told everyone about it for over 9 months. plenty of time to plan an save. Well i have a bridesmaid. the one i have done the most planning with, since the other 2 are out of state. Today she sends me  an email saying she cant make it since she lost her job(this wasnt a surprise, she thought it was going to happen for a few months). Well i understand that things are tighter, but her and her husband make twice what me and my FI do. and she buys new crap all the time, just because she likes it[/QUOTE]
That doesn't mean she actually has the money to buy those things, or that she doesn't have more bills than you, or anything else that has to do with her financial status.  You're not in her bank account and where she spends her money is her choice.  If she emailed you today and booked the trip 2 weeks ago, she was also booking it before she knew she lost her job.
[QUOTE]. How do i deal with her? and how do i ask her to pay me for the dress i ordered for her?because she told me a month ago she is for sure coming(i am paying for the dresses and suits since they are paying for there trip)
Posted by ashleychris[/QUOTE]
You can't ask her to pay for the dress.  It was part of your budget, and it sucks that she dropped out but you can't change your mind after the fact about who is paying for the attire.  You can put it up for sale on ebay, craigslist or the trash to treasure board to try to recoup some of your losses.

mags0607

They might have booked and paid for that vacation before she lost her job, so that has no bearing on the fact that she just had to drop out. It sucks that you already ordered her dress, but two weks ago, she probably was going to come to the wedding. A DW is  big expense, and one she probably can't afford if she doesn't know when/if she might get another job.

You have the right to be hurt in the way she dropped out, but I don't think asking her for money for a dress she isn't going to be able to wear is the solution.

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]<strong>I am not trying to tell her how to spend her money</strong>, I just wanted to know that she wasnt coming, or give me an indication that she might not come, a couple weeks ago before i had ordered her dress.  They are not having daily money troubles. they just spent all of there money on a vacation to mexico that they booked 2 weeks ago.  Plus. sending me an email to tell me is just tacky.  <strong>My fi is starting a new business and such so am extra 200 goes a long way....</strong>
Posted by ashleychris[/QUOTE]
Asking her to pay for the dress is telling her how to spend her money.  Yes, it's a shame she coudn't have told you before you ordered it, but what's done is done.  If the dress was too expensive, you could have chosen less expensive dresses.

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dropout-wtf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c8b17af3-8006-499c-864d-d539de33f66ePost:38d077a4-2f75-4586-8c09-23f6403460d3">Re: bridesmaid dropout WTF!!</a>:
[QUOTE]i am trying to debate if the friendship is worth it. She is a person that needs all of the attention. i am not, i want a dinner on my birthday at the time and place of my choosing,and i want the wedding to be about me and my fi
Posted by ashleychris[/QUOTE]

<div>This has NOTHING to do with your original post. Your wedding WILL be about you. Even if your bm shows up and flashes everyone, people will remember that it was your wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>What you wrote here makes me wonder why you picked her as a bm in the first place. If she were really your close friend, you wouldn't contemplate ending the friendship. This is a bad friend move....</div>

NuggetBrain

You sound absolutely douchetastic.  Seriously. 

stina93446

I too was happy that Nugget appeared. It always makes me laugh to see fische in someone else's siggy.

ashleychris

OK..... I just needed to vent and be a bitch.... thanks for telling me i was being one. (fyi. she didnt have a job when they booked the trip... but thats there decision, thanks for reminding me)

mags0607

I'm not blaming you for being upset, I would be too. But, being upset and saying something to her about it are two completely different things. I wouldn't do anything until the emotions have calmed down a bit, and if it were you, I would just let it go. It sounds like she doesn't handle things well, but you don't want to be equally guilty of not handling things well, and that's what would happen if you confronted her about any of this.

She has already removed herself from the wedding. If you want the friendship to end, let it fade out slowly, but don't do anything rash (like ask for money for a dress) and just see where it goes from here.

amagwire

Meh, if you're debating whether you should be friends with her or not, sounds like she's not a good friend.  I'd just let her be on her way - it's too bad she won't make it to the wedding, but it's clearly not her priority.  

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dropout-wtf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c8b17af3-8006-499c-864d-d539de33f66ePost:38d077a4-2f75-4586-8c09-23f6403460d3">Re: bridesmaid dropout WTF!!</a>:
[QUOTE]She is a person that needs all of the attention. i am not, i want a dinner on my birthday at the time and place of my choosing,and i want the wedding to be about me and my fi
Posted by ashleychris[/QUOTE]

So you don't need attention, and yet you want exactly what you want on your birthday and you want everyone focused on you at your wedding?

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dropout-wtf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c8b17af3-8006-499c-864d-d539de33f66ePost:77a884c5-1dce-4d22-8783-b0fe54954596">Re: bridesmaid dropout WTF!!</a>:
[QUOTE]OK..... I just needed to vent and be a bitch.... thanks for telling me i was being one. (fyi. she didnt have a job when they booked the trip... but thats there decision, thanks for reminding me)
Posted by ashleychris[/QUOTE]
Venting is okay, as long as you eventually calm down and don't ruin your friendships over wedding things. :)  It sounds like you got some perspective.  I'm glad.

allseasonpm

I am not going to condemn you. You need to think about if the friendship is worth it. Has the friend done this before? Take a hard look. Is this normal for her? Did she tell you, without coming out any saying it, that she wasn't going to come? And you just looked past it in anticipation? Is your friend just a b*tch? Don't lose a good friendship over a lost job. However don't keep a toxic relationship where you do all the work, over someone who says they love you, but really doesn't care about you, or show it.

allseasonpm

When I picked my bridesmaids I choose based on this biggest criteria. I wanted to have people on my wedding pictues, who would still be in my life 20 years ago, when I showed my children my wedding pictures. I didn't want to explain who the people were. I wanted my children to recognize everyone, at least by name.

LarissaAnn

I'm always amazed by the number of people here who apparently know their friends' incomes and expenses.  

I have a lot of VERY good, VERY close friends, but with just one or two exceptions I have no idea what their salaries, mortgages, rents, PSE&G bills, phone bills, medical bills, etc are.  No idea.

LarissaAnn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dropout-wtf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c8b17af3-8006-499c-864d-d539de33f66ePost:98059f3b-153d-43da-80f8-50444830ef70">Re: bridesmaid dropout WTF!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: bridesmaid dropout WTF!! : I was thinking the same thing, LarissaAnn.  And, I know for a fact that most of our very close friends and family don't know the details of our finances.  They would be shocked if they did, based on my job and my husbands.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Same here.  Hell, my own husband was shocked when I told him what I make as an attorney.  People have these misconceptions, when in reality the salary range is incredible from extreme to extreme.  Meanwhile, most would also be shocked to know how much I make as a face painter in a year.  Hell, I myself was surprised at that!

aerinpegadrak

Yeah, you really, really can't assume that you know what people's expenses are.  My MOH's husband used to make six figures and they were barely scraping by.  My brother assumed that my finances were a total disaster until I told him flat out how much I make, which is more than he does.  It's none of your damn business how anyone other than your FI spends their money, and it's not even really your business how your FI spends his money unless you've combined finances and bills.

MyNameIsNot

If it makes you feel any better, Stage, people assume that just because I'm a lawyer that I make gobs of cash.  I don't.  

But if we bow out of a night out or don't want to spend a bunch of money to go on a trip, we are just being selfish, because obviously we can afford it.  Sort of like the OP.  

mbcdefg

I've known people who I thought were rolling in dough because they had nice houses and several cars and lots of stuff. Then I found out that a few of them were in tens of thousands of dollars' worth of debt. Yikes.

I also have a lot of friends who can spend money freely now, but that's either because they had saved it from previous jobs or because their families give it to them.

People probably don't know this about me and FI, unless they're really close to us, that we're financially supporting a family member right now. Otherwise we'd be in our own house instead of renting an apartment in a cruddy neighborhood.

Point being, you never know what someone's true financial situation is. And even so, it's none of your business. If they say that they cannot spend money on something, you need to take it at face value.

banana468

Wow Larissa that sucks!

MIL's line to FIL is "They can afford it," when she refers to DH and me.

She'll invite us over and then somehow forget to have food so WE go out and buy it or have to bring it and she won't pay us back - and it's because she thinks we can.

Forget the fact that we're trying to save for a house and our savings will go into a downpayment right away - we can afford it right?

And forget the fact that we're hoping to have kids and will need daycare which costs a ton.  We can afford it right?

And forget the fact that I've had some rather expensive medical tests done recently
that cost a lot even WITH our insurance and I won't tell her about them because she won't ask about ME she'll ask about how it pertains to her and her imaginary grandchildren at the moment.  We can afford it right?

So instead, we just opt to do fewer things because we just don't like the attitude.

banana468

I'm all about doing nice stuff.

But I will NOT be made to feel like I owe it to someone and I'm not going to be used either.   I left FIL's birthday this year in tears.  It sucked.