Want my cousin as BM but...

mrsbruff2b

She lives 5 hours away!!

We were always very close growing up.  A few years ago, she moved across province and doesn't come back very often.  She's not an organizing type so I didn't want her to be MOH, but I definitely want her in the bridal party.

How can I include her in my planning, arrange for fittings and stuff?  Has any one had this situation?  And what about pre-wedding events? 

bablingbrooke

Ask her to be a BM.  She doesn't have to attend/plan/pay for pre-wedding events.  Those are all optional.  ALL my BMs were OOT from the wedding.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_want-cousin-bm-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ca63e56d-ae5c-49c3-b201-8b18532908c6Post:8a3ce70d-617b-4ec3-8938-8f71f2d05a35">Want my cousin as BM but...</a>:
[QUOTE]She lives 5 hours away!! We were always very close growing up.  A few years ago, she moved across province and doesn't come back very often.  She's not an organizing type so I didn't want her to be MOH, but I definitely want her in the bridal party. How can I include her in my planning, arrange for fittings and stuff?  Has any one had this situation?  And what about pre-wedding events? 
Posted by mrsbruff2b[/QUOTE]

What does distance have to do with it? Her obligations are to get the dress and come to the wedding.

Your MOH is not supposed to be the best planner. Your MOH is supposed to be your closest friend. Not the person who can do the most for you. If she's not your closest friend, then it's fine to have her as a bridesmaid. If she's your closest friend then she should be the MOH. To leave your closest friend out of the honor attendant slot because she can't devote enough to your planning is <em><strong>incredibly </strong></em>shallow and insulting.

Use e-mail and phone calls to arrange things:
- ask her (and every other bridesmaid) what she can afford for a dress. Say, "What do you want to spend on a dress?" not "The dresses I like are $xxx, is that O.K.?" because the latter statement might pressure them into saying yes so they don't disappoint you, even if they can't afford it. Then start researching designers in their price range, and see what colors/styles in those designers you like.

- she can try on dresses at her local salons. If you want them in the same dress, then select a few that you like (again, in a designer in the price range that they've all said they can afford), e-mail them to her, and she can try them on at her leisure and give you her vote by a deadline date. She can order from her own salon, or send you a check and you can order them all at one salon and then ship her the dress when it comes in.

- If you are O.K. with them having different dresses, pick a designer that they can all afford, then pick a color, fabric and skirt length, and let them choose their own style and order from their own local salons.

- any pre-wedding parties that YOU are hosting (engagement party, whatever), send her an invitation. If she can make it, great. If not, she's not obligated to come.

- any pre-wedding parties that someone else may choose to host for you (shower or bachelorette) ... stay out of it. If your bridesmaids decide to throw these parties for you, then they will handle it. It is rude and inappropriate for the bride to get involved in the planning. Sit back and see what you get, and be gracious for whatever you might receive.

- bridesmaids are not obligated to help you plan. It's fine to send out an e-mail or make a phone call once in a while to keep her up to date on the plans, but also remember to ask her frequently about HER life and events. Don't make every contact with her a wedding-related contact. If she wants to help out, she will volunteer. If she is interested in your plans, she will ask. Otherwise, don't bombard her with information. Nobody will ever be as interested in your wedding as you will be, so don't take it personally if everyone isn't super-interested (especially when you're more than maybe a month or two out).

In a nutshell, all she's obligated to do is get the dress. Anything else, let her come forward about. Otherwise, if she gets the dress and participates in the ceremony, then she'd fulfilled her duties.

mbcdefg

Oh, and since you are 22 months out, I HIGHLY suggest not asking anyone to be in your bridal party right now. Wait until this time next year. Read through this board for the reasons why ... once you ask, you can't un-ask. Plus, there is absolutely no need for someone to have more than a year's notice to be in your wedding. Asking almost two years in advance is a surefire way to give someone wedding burnout.

aerinpegadrak

Dude, my MOH was local, and most of our communication was primarily through email and IM.  The wonders of technology.  Most of my other bridesmaids were OOT, but to make life easier, I just let them pick their own black dresses.  No coordination required.

A person doesn't need to be the "organizing type" to be your closest friend and hold your flowers during the ceremony, which is pretty much the extent of what the MOH is required to do.

jenn.daniel

All of my bridesmaids are at least 8 hours away.  It'll be fine.  email!!

CTGirl30

1. Wait until you're under the year-mark to ask anyone to be in your WP.

2. Physical distance / proximity should have nothing to do with whom you ask to be in your wedding party. It's about honoring your closest (not in the literal sense) friends and / or family members. So if you love her to peices and want her - don't let a 5-hour separation be cause not to.

3. A lot can be accomplished over email and with phone calls. When it comes to choose dresses, you can call her to ask her what her budget is and then you work within that range. You can email her links to dresses and some chain shops, such as Davids Bridal, are pretty much everywhere. She can measurements done anywhere - just like guys can get measured for their tuxes at any menswear shop. If you opt for a dress from a dept. store rather than a bridal store, that's easy, too - she can order online if there isn't one physically close to her.

4. Bottom line - when you ask people to be part of your wedding party it's because you want to honor them for being your dearest friends / family members. Not for matching sides or who you think will throw the best parties or be the most organized or help the most. Think about who's been very special in your life and if you want that person to stand up for you on your wedding day, ask.

I'm hoping EmilyinChile sees this post and responds. She is an expat currently living with her now-husband in Chile and all of her BMs were stateside throughout her planning process. Somehow it all worked out. ;-)

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_want-cousin-bm-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ca63e56d-ae5c-49c3-b201-8b18532908c6Post:8a3ce70d-617b-4ec3-8938-8f71f2d05a35">Want my cousin as BM but...</a>:
[QUOTE]She lives 5 hours away!! We were always very close growing up.  A few years ago, she moved across province and doesn't come back very often.  She's not an organizing type so I didn't want her to be MOH, but I definitely want her in the bridal party. How can I include her in my planning, arrange for fittings and stuff?  Has any one had this situation?  And what about pre-wedding events? 
Posted by mrsbruff2b[/QUOTE]

I'm here, I'm here!

So yes, what CT said. 3 of 4 BMs live in the US, and the 4th was on a 3 month trip through Europe for the first half of my engagement. We used the internet to look at ideas for dresses, and the US-based BMs went to try things on when they could (ie. not all on some organized trip, just whenever was convenient for them). We ordered the dresses over the phone, one of my BMs generously offered to receive them all and mail them out the other girls, and each girl did alterations with the seamstress of her choosing. Not a problem at all.

As far as planning goes, you do that alone anyway - your BMs don't have to help you, although of course since they're your friends they might offer, or you might ask for the occasional thing as a favor. But it's not a requirement, so planning capabilities shouldn't affect who you choose as MOH or BMs. If your cousin is your closest friend in the world, honor her by asking her to be MOH. My MOH not only lives in the US but is also in med school, so while she helped look for dresses online during a free week, she obviously wasn't much actual help. That didn't mean I didn't want her next to me on my wedding day.

Pre-wedding events are parties that people may (or may not) choose to throw you and/or attend - again, not a BM requirement. If your cousin wants to help organize something then great, and if she can make the trip for your bachelorette and/or bridal shower if you have those then even better, but it would be a shame to "punish" her for perhaps not being able to attend those parties by not including her in your WP if you really want to.

MandK9

For what it's worth, I have an earth-shattering ten bridesmaids in my party, and five of them live 7-15 hours away.  One of them is my cousin, and a matron of honor in my wedding.  I have total faith in her ability to pull things together, through facebook, phone calls, email, and whatever other forms of communication.  I think you'll be completely fine, and I agree that excluding someone because she won't be around enough or isn't an organized person is silly and you will regret it.

 

ead1975

Ditto everyone else.  My future sister-in-law is my MOH, and she lives in Florida.  She's also my only attendant.  Don't let distance keep you from having someone you're close to stand up there next to you; and if she wants to be involved with things from far away, she'll figure out a way.  Email, phones, FB, whatever.  If she doesn't, that's ok, too.
You don't want to regret not having her up there with you because she wasn't around to tie ribbons on favors, or something. Seriously.

PeonyPrincesskdd

I agree with everyone above.  Too tired to come up with a response, but they all said it best.  Ditto everyone lol

marissa_claire

Seriously? My bridesmaids are all over the country and it hasn't been a problem yet.  Most of them made it up here for the bachelorette party even.  Her being far away should not affect your choice - there are plenty of times you'll email her a link and get an opinion, or stuff like that.