SIL as Bridesmaid?

[Deleted User]

My parents, my FI and I were all discussing wedding logistics today - we settled on a venue for ceremony and reception, yay! - and the topic of who I was choosing to be a bridesmaid came up. I am having 4 or 5 ladies (unsure of the number - not planning on asking them till later) as BMs, and they are all good friends of mine. When I told my mother who I was planning to ask, she looked at me, horrified, and said "Not (SIL's name)?" 

I'm sure the reason she asks this question is that my SIL and my brother were married June last year, and I was one of her two BMs. I love my SIL, but I don't want to ask her to be a bridesmaid just because she asked me (belatedly, I might add, she TOLD me I was in the wedding 2 weeks before after I had already purchased a dress; she didn't actually ask) to be her BM. It didn't feel like the honor it should have been because of the way it was handled.

I understand that it is not tit for tat in weddings, but how do I explain this to them? The girls I want standing up with me are close friends of mine. Plus, I know I would get frustrated with her whereas my friends are all extremely laid back. What would you say if it were you?

kaitlyn&henry

I am sorry you have to deal with that...it is so incredibly rude for people to ask who is in your WP and expect a certain answer. You are correct in that its ultimately your choice and you do not have to ask her because you were in hers.

For now i would just say you havnt decided yet and change the subject. How far away is your wedding? If you are just now booking a venue you should have plenty of time before selecting/announcing your wedding party.

Besides, the relationship between you and your SIL has NOTHING to do with your mother. She needs to butt out...she cant force you to be closer with her than you are.

pkontk

I agree with PPs.  It was rude for your SIL to ask you with 2 weeks to go until her wedding, does your mother realize that.

You do still have some time, so you can keep changing the subject or avoiding it if she insists on bringing it up again, but at some point you can tell her you would prefer to keep the WP your very close friends.

mbcdefg

Are your parents paying for some or all of the wedding? If so, they're going to rightfully expect a say in how some of the wedding is planned. So if they are paying and this is their hill to die on, then be prepared to either make a compromise or give them back their money. If they're not paying, then they don't get to make demands of you. Plus, if they aren't paying then I would stop including them in the decisionmaking. Or at least in the parts where you are unwilling to compromise. Either way, You aren't wrong or bridezilla if you don't ask her. But consider the thought that it might cause hurt Feelings or family drama, especially if she's the only one not included. If it'll definitely start a fight, then you need to decide for yourself if it's still worth it to not ask her.

cwaggoner07

I'm in the exact same situation. I was in my brother's wedding last year, but she had 8... EIGHT bridesmaids. I am only having 4, two of which are sisters. So I asked her to be in my house party. I know house party isn't popular on TK, but it's a big deal for all the weddings I've been to, and that was kind of how I handled it.

meganb1977

When we got married my then-fiance pushed the issue of having his female sibling stand on my side because it was expected and would cause hurt feelings within his family, and I conceded.  However, I lived to regret it because despite my attempts to make a nice gesture by asking her to be in the wedding party, she made a huge stink about not feeling included in the planning (even though she made no efforts to communicate with me) and she threw a hissy fit during the reception and ruined our day.  Hopefully your fiance's sister wouldn't do anything like this if you do include her in the wedding party, but if you're not close, it's not worth including her just because of family pressure...if they're going to make an issue out of it, you have bigger problems than your choice of wedding party.