Wedding Party

Re: oops

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    1. Create a new account to post here - good rule of internet safety is not to use your e-mail address.

    2. More information, please. How did she assume she would be a BM? How long have you been engaged? Realistically, how much did you talk to her about the wedding? Did you guys still do/talk about other things? Is it possible that she's got other stuff going on in her life that's totally unrelated to your wedding that could be causing her to act differently?

    3. Your MOH is a grown up. If she's having problems with the BM (presumably about planning parties for you) then she needs to handle those problems herself. The BM is not obligted to help the MOH plan or pay for anything, so if she's not interested then she just wouldn't be listed on any invitation as a hostess.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bratty-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:cfc52031-ec62-44ed-8306-992dbe4842adPost:59260b20-ba71-44ba-9338-e1bc24291f77">Bratty BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey all! I've never posted on here, but I'm really struggling with something. I have a good friend who is one of my BMs. From the dress to the shoes she has been complaining about everything! She's not around at all and has not helped or even been supportive. She used to be my gym buddy, but as soon as we announed the date she stopped coming and even cancelled her membership. The worst part for me is that I always assumed she would be my BM, but I never asked her outright. Now it's too late, but she herself assumed she would be in the wedding party. I guess I should have spoken up sooner... She is making everything more difficult, not only for me, but for my MOH as well. How do I talk to her about how she's acting without starting a fight?
    Posted by mich.rossi@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

    #! - if you didn't ask her, then why are you complaining that she's not "helping" with the wedding.

    #2 - there's a FAQ for new posters.  You should probably read it.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bratty-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cfc52031-ec62-44ed-8306-992dbe4842adPost:59260b20-ba71-44ba-9338-e1bc24291f77">Bratty BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey all! I've never posted on here, but I'm really struggling with something. I have a good friend who is one of my BMs. From the dress to the shoes she has been complaining about everything! She's not around at all and has not helped or even been supportive. She used to be my gym buddy, but as soon as we announed the date she stopped coming and even cancelled her membership. The worst part for me is that I always assumed she would be my BM, but I never asked her outright. Now it's too late, but she herself assumed she would be in the wedding party. I guess I should have spoken up sooner... She is making everything more difficult, not only for me, but for my MOH as well. How do I talk to her about how she's acting without starting a fight?
    Posted by mich.rossi@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

    Michelle, I recommend starting a new account without your full name and email address in it.  There are some crazies out there and you never know who may use it against you.

    As far as your BM, it is not her duty to support or help you out.  She just needs to pay for the dress and show up to the wedding.  While she may offer help and you can take her up on it, she does not have to.  The cancelling the gym membership, was her contract maybe up? Can she use that money elsewhere?  Are you sure it was just a dig at you and she does not want to be around you?  Assuming a position on her part was making an @ss of herself, but you should have spoken up sooner. 

    What is she making difficult for your MOH?  She does not have to be friends with her, or work with her on anything, this again goes back the the first part of the last paragraph.  I think you just need to let things go and work on planning your wedding.
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    If her concerns with the dress are about price or fit,  you should take those concerns into account.  You should not be requiring certain shoes, color and possibly general style are plenty.  The only duties of a BM are to show up in the requested attire, relatively clean and sober, stand or sit quietly during the ceremony and smile for pictures.
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    Definately read the New Here? sticky up top.

    1. If you never asked her, how is she your BM?  Just because she assumed and then you started talking dresses, shoes, etc?

    2. Did you ask her about her dress budget and get any input from her prior to the dress & shoe selection? Are you dictating the shoes and that's why she might not be thrilled since she didn't get to have any input there?


    3. I'm wondering if she might be under some financial strain and the quitting the gym is a sign of that? (You know, cutting out extra expenses) And if you didn't ask her a dress budget first perhaps what you selected is more than she's comfortable paying....and that's why she's complaining to you.

    4. Nobody helps or plans your wedding but you and your FI. If it's too much to handle, scale back and / or hire a paid planner. She doesn't have to help you stuff envelopes, tie ribbons on favors or make seating charts. That's your job.

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    Dang it, I just answered you over on M&M board but you deleted.  I will copy and paste.

    For some reason a wedding brings out the worst in people.  I don't know why but usually everyone has one person who just gets crabby.  Your BM isn't required to help with anything for the wedding.  Yes, it would be nice if she offered but don't expect it.  It will just lead to disappointment (case in point).  
    Are you allowing them to pick whatever style they want as long as they are the same color or are they going to wear the same dress?  If it's the first, just tell her the color, length, fabric, whatever and let her go at it alone.  It also helps if you say "order from so and so designer".  If they're wearing the same dress, have your MOH (who seems to be helpful to you) go with you to try on dresses, keep in mind everyones body type, and tell her the dress she needs to order.  For both, give her a deadline (I'd say make it a few of weeks before they'd have to pay rush fees) and be done with it.  

    Let her pick her own shoes (if you're dong floor length dresses no one will even see the shoes).  Give her a color and let her take care of it herself.  
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    You were already quoted - your OP doesn't just disappear simply because you edited the first text box.
    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
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    Oops is right!  I think you just made all of the first poster mistakes in one shot!

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