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Flaking MOH! Can I ask a more reliable friend?

I am not getting married for over a year and my fiance and I only got engaged in April.  I asked my "bestie" if she would be my MOH more out of a sense of duty (and because she asked me to) than anything else.  Now I am starting to notice that she's not happy for me (I think because when we were kids we had always talked about getting married at the same time and she's no where near there now), she hasn't offered to help me with anything for the wedding and when I ask her to come visit so we can do wedding stuff (and offer to pay for her gas) she says I should go visit her, and now she's completely flaky and does not return my texts, phone calls, or emails but every once in a while shoots me one text and no more.  I really want to uninvite her as a bridesmaid and ask someone that I know is genuinely happy for me and wants to be there.  Is this possible and then how do I do it tactfully?

Re: Flaking MOH! Can I ask a more reliable friend?

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_flaking-moh-can-ask-reliable-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d056504b-e61d-401b-a8a9-40a5cee0300aPost:3d3d92ab-fe17-48b9-969b-4f93677d5d20">Flaking MOH! Can I ask a more reliable friend?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am not getting married for over a year and my fiance and I only got engaged in April.  I asked my "bestie" if she would be my MOH more out of a sense of duty (and because she asked me to) than anything else.  Now I am starting to notice that she's not happy for me (I think because when we were kids we had always talked about getting married at the same time and she's no where near there now), she hasn't offered to help me with anything for the wedding and when I ask her to come visit so we can do wedding stuff (and offer to pay for her gas) she says I should go visit her, and now she's completely flaky and does not return my texts, phone calls, or emails but every once in a while shoots me one text and no more.  I really want to uninvite her as a bridesmaid and ask someone that I know is genuinely happy for me and wants to be there.  Is this possible and then how do I do it tactfully?
    Posted by msamucci[/QUOTE]
    Sigh.  Please read the FAQ at the top, or one of the DOZENS of "can I kick out a bridesmaid" posts on the front page alone.  It applies to you too.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    Your MOH is not required to help you with wedding projects.  That is for you and your FI to do. 

    Try hanging out with her and don't talk about the wedding.  Some people just don't care about weddings.
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    You can't.  She isn't your wedding planner or otherwise unpaid laborer.  You will ruin your friendship if you demote her.  Get over yourself and deal with it.  You and your FI are in charge of planning things.  If it's too much, hire a wedding planner or (better yet) scale back.

    You can offer, but she's under no obligation to say yes.  I frankly don't want to spend my weekends doing stuff for someone else's wedding so I can't blame her for saying no.
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    Oh for pity's sake.  I'm going to tell you what I think.  Then I'm going to ask you to scroll down this board and read all the posts that ask the EXACT same question.  And no, your situation is not any different than any of the others.

    Put down the wedding magazines.  Turn off the wedding tv shows.  Stop reading lists of WP "duties" on wedding websites.  Take the wedding planning books back to Barnes and Noble.  Because they're just trying to get you to buy "stuff" that their advertisers sell.

    Here's the reality:  the "duties" of a member of the WP start and end with the ceremony.  That's it.  Lock, stock, and barrel.  They wear the attire, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during the ceremony, and smile for pictures.  Done and done.

    Here's what they DON'T have to do:  help plan and/or execute your wedding.  That includes:  They DON'T have to go on venue visits, go to tastings, or help pick our wedding cake.  They DON'T have to go bridal gown shopping .  They DON'T have to make, order, address, or stuff invitations or STDs. 

    They DON'T have to make favors, CPs, or OOT bags.  They DON'T have to help decorate the venue, deliver OOT bags, chauffeur guests around.  They DON'T have to plan, throw, or even attend pre-wedding parties, including e-parties, showers, and/or b-parties.

    The DON'T have to research vendors or help plan honeymoons.  They don't have to provide "emotional support" (which should be the responsibility of your FI). 

    Your friend has done NOTHING to warrant being kicked out of the WP and to do so would make you a gold-medalist in the 'zilla Olympics.

    Lower your expectations of what a WP is all about.  You'll be happier.  So will your friends.

    My last piece of advice:  Print out the following words:  "NO ONE WILL BE AS EXCITED ABOUT MY WEDDING AS I WILL."  Because it's true.  it will also keep you on a smooth path.

    GL
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    Huh, she doesn't want to spend her weekends traveling to see you so that she can help you do things for your event? Shocking.

    Maybe she's not returning your attempts at contact because it sounds like you have gone off the deep-end in terms of wedding talk. Remember what you guys used to do and talk about? Try doing and talking about those things again. No mention of your wedding. No wedding errands. Just you guys being friends. Then have your FI help you with wedding stuff, and once in a very long while if you really need a favor from a friend that happens to do with the wedding, ask her and she might actually want to help you - as her friend and not as the crazy wedding-obsessed bridezilla.
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    Also, please don't confuse "lack of interest in wedding planning" with "not happy for me or supportive of my marriage" because the two are not at all related.
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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    Final thought: You have well over a year until your wedding.  There is nothing you or her need to do at this point.  Anyone who wanted to do "wedding stuff" over a year out is putting waaaay too much importance on the wedding and it comes off as very self-involved.  Even if you have a ton of DIY.  It's still too soon.  You may want to chill on this for a few months.  She's staring down the barrel at 14 months of this and doesn't want it.  I can't say I blame her.
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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    If you and your FI have been engaged since April, the intitial excitement has worn off.  Don't try to talk about wedding stuff with her.  As the time gets closer, she'll probably ask you how the planning is going.  Don't expect her to actually plan WITH you.

    Really, you should go visit HER, like she suggested.  As a friend.
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    NO and you are completely being a bridezilla(and so early)!  So you care nothing about her as a friend... you asked her because you felt you had too? Well there was your mistake.

    She isn't supposed to do mandatory help for you. This is you and your FI's wedding. You plan it. Maybe she is avoiding your texts and calls because you always talk about wedding stuff and it's overwhelming. Have you asked her what is going on in her life or are you being completely selfish and "all about me, me, me"?

    Please be aware that a BM/MOH's duties are to purchase a dress, show up, walk down the aisle, stand there for the ceremony, MOH holds your flowers, smile pretty for pics, and that's it. They aren't required to throw you parties or plan your wedding.

    You got engaged in April. Your wedding is 1 year and 2 months away. Things are still new and you are allowed to be excited but keep in mind that no one will be as excited about your wedding as you are!!! 
    Anniversary
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    *snore*
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    You still have a year till your wedding so maybe you should wait on choosing a replacement for MOH....because if you choose someone now and they don't seem excited, helpful or supportive, you will want to choose another and another....

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    On a side note, I'm 50 days out and can't think of anything to do for my wedding. What in God's name is there to do at 14 months out that you and FI aren't supposed to be doing?
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    ...or just don't replace her since she's done nothing to warrant that.

    Seriously, you're planning a wedding day, not D-Day.  It's a happy and fun occasion.  Act accordingly.
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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    Your wedding is over a year away.  Talk about and do something else with your friends, and please do not kick her out of your wedding. 
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    eholidayeholiday member
    First Comment
    edited June 2010
    Well I hate to go against the grain but I say do whatever makes you happy and ask yourself if she is a bad friend over all or is it just concering your wedding?
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    Here's the only problem, eholiday: Once you start involving other people in the wedding, it's no longer just about you anymore.  (Miss Manners even echoes this: Ignore the thoughts and feelings of others at your peril.)  So while you're totally entitled to your opinion, it's a very short-sighted way to approach the situation.  Remember that a wedding isn't an end, it's a beginning (and your life really doesn't change that much afterward) so plan accordingly.
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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    [QUOTE]You still have a year till your wedding so maybe you should wait on choosing a replacement for MOH....because if you choose someone now and they don't seem excited, helpful or supportive, you will want to choose another and another....[/QUOTE]

    Loop, this isn't very good advice.  The issue is that it's bad to replace PERIOD.  It's insulting to the friend - as doing so is a friendship ending move. It's also an insult to the replacement because it implies that the other person is somehow second tier.

    [QUOTE]Well I hate to go against the grain but I say do whatever makes you happy and ask yourself if she is a bad friend over all or is it just concering your wedding?[/QUOTE]

    Eholiday, this isn't great advice.  Once the bride involves others, it's not all about what she wants. 

    I do agree that the brideneeds to ask, "Is this how she's always been or has it just been since I got engaged?"  Because by doing so, it means the bride needs to do some soul searching.

    In this case, I think the bride is far too gung-ho about wedding planning at the expense of friendship.  When you're over a year from the wedding, stop talking about it!  Focus on gilfriend stuff.  If you want a wedding planner, pay one.
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    Well, eholiday is right, she can do whatever she wants.  She just needs to accept that by kicking out her MOH, she will most likely end the friendship, lose mutual friends, and have people talking behind her back about how she is a bridezilla.

    Or, she can leave her MOH where she is, stop expecting her to be a wedding slave, and plan her own wedding.
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    duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited June 2010
    I don't understand how not wanting to do wedding-things (especially for a wedding that is more than a year away) is the same thing as the BM not caring for the bride, not being happy, or not being supportive.

    Why is the BM's love (in the eyes of the bride) dependent on her level of interest in the actualy wedding planning?

    ETA: OP, I bet that your MOH feels that you have flaked on being her friend. 
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