Worried it's going to turn into a competition

mrsb711

I think I just need to vent. I'm not mad, or worried she is "stealing my thunder", I've just been hearing from some of my other friends that saw her date on facebook that they think I should be mad about the date. I'm not really mad and I'll get over it. I just want to vent I got engaged a few months ago. One of my friends and bridesmaids got engaged literally 3 days ago.In that time, she has set her date one week before mine wedding. Actually less than that, 6 days. I don't really care, but it kind of bothers me only in the sense that she HAD to get married before me, and I worry a lot of our mutual friends aren't going to want to come to both of our weddings seeing as that they are so close. I also know if the situation was reversed, she would BE LIVID if I got married before her, especially since it's only a week before. Oh, did I mention her venue is the sister venue of mine? Meaning it's the exact same name, same style, same look about 20 minutes from mine in SC. Whatever, I don't own the venue and I get a day, not a week. So I told her it didn't bother me.
Also, to ice the cake, she sent me an e-mail today saying she has found her bridesmaid dress for me to wear at her wedding. Price tag? $350. No idea yet if she expects me to pay the whole thing, or is going to comp the girls some.
I'm worried she is taking advantage of my easy-going attitude, and worried our friendship will not survive this planning process.

SocialWorker2B

Oh, wow, that sucks. :-( I know, I know, like you said - you only get one day and so does she and she can pick her own venue just like you said. But, still - that is a really rotten friend.

The BM dress - utterly ridiculous! Tell her no how no way. Tell her what you can afford and she can either pick a dress you can afford to pay for yourself, or she canpay for it or some of it, or she can pick a different dress. However, don't worry about it and it is her responsibility to pick a dress her girls can afford. You just have to stick up for yourself which I know is hard to do. I had to tell my BFF I couldn't afford her BM dress and to keep me in the wedding, she paid for it.

Whether or not people come to both weddings - again totally sucks but you really can't do anything about it. I would never not go to the second wedding but that's just me. In any case, whoever comes - you know that they are your real friends and on that day, it won't matter about stupid thunder stealing friends. You will be the bride, the ONLY bride!

The dress? Again, so sucky of her. I doubt that someone would go to that extent to show someone up and buy a dress that they themselves don't love. If she does, definitely try to talk to her because she gets to the register and explain that that is your dream dress and would really appreciate it, if she as a close friend, would respect your wish to buy it and wear it and NOT buy it. If she does, take heart - there are literally millions of wedding dresses in the world and I am sure you will be able to find another stunner.

I would change my bridal appointment, if I were you, and not give her the details. Just say that something came up, you had to reschedule but that you're not sure when you're going. And, don't tell her anymore of your ideas - it's just not worth the drama!

Again, sooooooo sorry and hope the rest of your engagement gets better!

AutumnFair

It's good that you understand that you just get one day. And don't worry about friend's having to choose, I have a lot of friends, family, and family friend's weddings last year (it came out to be 8 weddings!), 2 weddings were 1 week apart and I attended both (one local the other OoT). 

As for your friend, you don't have to say anything to her about your wedding. If she ask, just change the subject, bead dip like crazy if it gets to be a regular subject. Now for the dress, guess you get to write an e-mail back to her stating that its way out of your budget (in a lovely way of course). She will need to 1. pick a new dress in your budget 2. pay for most of it, if she doesn't like that then tell her "sorry, but i must decline". Really, if this girl already is wanting you to pay for a $350 dress she sounds like she's expecting a whole lot more from her bridesmaids (throwing her bridal shower, bach. party, etc). I say get out as fast as you can. 

bablingbrooke

1.  I find it hard to believe that her date is actually going to be 6 days before yours at this point in time.  Your wedding date is dictated mostly by family and venue availability. I would be surprised if she's jumped through those hoops already and booked everything.  Maybe she has.  But again, only 3 days, she's probably just giving her "wish" date.  DH and I went through 4 before we could get the church and reception venue on the same day.

2.  Ignore her when she tries on dresses.  What looks awesome on you won't necessarily look awesome on her.  Also, you don't have to buy that day.  Try some things on, then come back on another day to actually buy.  If she does buy the same dress you do, it's no big deal.  Annoying, but no big deal.  And consider this: I got married this summer and wore a strapless, sweetheart neckline with a drop waist, rouching (sp?) and an A-line skirt.  Half the regulars on this board wore virtually an identical dress, and so did half my friends who got married this summer.  We don't all look like a bunch of clones; we just all fell in love with the same flattering style.  You and this girl will both look different because you are different people.

3.  The BM dress I had in mind was not the one my BMs wound up wearing.  Again, she's got an awful lot of ideas at this point but I'd be really surprised if they all come to fruition.  Things beyond her control will force her to change.  And if that is the dress, just say "Friend, I'm afraid that's out of my price range."  

She's being super annoying, but take some comfort in that 1) you aren't competing with her, even if she seems to think you are, and 2) you will have different weddings.  But I'd stop sharing your wedding planning info with her now.  If she asks, stay vague or change the subject.  She can't copy you if she doesn't know what you're doing.

stina93446

I would stop sharing info with her. It sucks that she's being a poop and doing all this, very immature of her. And I am OH so glad that you know that it's one day.

mrsb711

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_worried-its-going-turn-competition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d08eaeb4-c18e-4b40-8af8-f1e231340b50Post:352924c5-3de5-49ea-800f-993f22723b1a">Re: Worried it's going to turn into a competition</a>:
[QUOTE]Really, if this girl already is wanting you to pay for a $350 dress she sounds like she's expecting a whole lot more from her bridesmaids (throwing her bridal shower, bach. party, etc). I say get out as fast as you can. 
Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

<div>Yep! You nailed it. She wants to go to Key West for her bachlorette party weekend, picked out bridesmaid shoes, already decided where she is having her bridal shower, and she put her fiance on an expensive weight loss program.  Her blog is almost done too! LOL it's intense. LOL</div><div>
</div><div>Whatever... Even if she thinks her wedding is better than mine, and it might end up being grander and nicer, I still win. I won the best man in the world. lol cheesy and corny but true.</div>

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_worried-its-going-turn-competition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d08eaeb4-c18e-4b40-8af8-f1e231340b50Post:ab9a14eb-890c-4aaf-af64-34faa1e9b4e7">Re: Worried it's going to turn into a competition</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Worried it's going to turn into a competition : Yep! You nailed it. She wants to go to Key West for her bachlorette party weekend, picked out bridesmaid shoes, already decided where she is having her bridal shower, and she put her fiance on an expensive weight loss program.  Her blog is almost done too! LOL it's intense.[QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Run!  Run while you can!</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] LOL Whatever... Even if she thinks her wedding is better than mine, and it might end up being grander and nicer, I still win. I won the best man in the world. lol cheesy and corny but true.
Posted by mrsb711[/QUOTE]

<div>That's exactly the right attitude.  Keep a sense of humor as best you can.  But you've got the right idea in mind and you are exactly right--nothing will upset you on your wedding day because you're marrying the man of your dreams.</div><div>
</div><div>If you need to vent some more (and my guess is you will if you stay in this girl's WP) you know where to come!</div></div>

gottahavashorti

It sounds like you're handling it well so far.  As PP's have said, it's only been 3 days so a lot of her ideas will probably change.

Stop discussing your wedding with her.  Personally, I'd move the Friday appointment to a different time if I were you.  It would be harder to concentrate on what dresses look like on yourself if your competitive friend is also vying for attention.

As for BM stuff, I would not blame you if you wanted to drop out of that wedding ASAP.  Let her know how much you can afford for a dress, maybe something along the lines of "oh that's pretty, I hope you can find a similar one that falls within my $X budget!." If she still wants that $350 dress she can offer to cover the difference.  Also point out that BM shoes can't be dictated- again, maybe "those are nice, I have a pair that would work well" or "well then, I'll keep my eye out for black peeptoes for the wedding while shopping."

For Key West and already knowing where she wants her bridal shower, I'd be saying "someday, I hope to be able to go on vacations like that" and forget about it.

stefani103

Yes, the wedding is one day. But maybe I'm a nerd, but I'm loving everything before! I love the time spent with FI planning (mostly the honeymoon!); I love spending time with my family talking about and shopping for the wedding; I love my nieces "practicing" being flower girls and trying to talk me into a pink glittery princess dress (no way!). It is all leading up to one very special, family-oriented, low-budget day. 

So yes, don't let her take away from your day. But don't let her take away from the process too. Your wedding (and leading up to it) should be and will be wonderful. If it helps you enjoy it more by rescheduling the appointment, go for it. Don't let her dictate your planning by having to schedule around her all the time, but do what makes you happy. It sounds like you have the right attitude and can keep things in perspective.

emilyinchile

Oh this sounds like it's going to be FUN. I would have a talk with her ASAP about costs. Respond to her e-mail (or do this on the phone/in person if you'd rather) explaining that you don't know if she's already talked to each of the other BMs about their budgets, but that yours is $X - including alterations and any accessories she would ask you to buy. I'd probably throw in something about how you've been spending a lot of time on TK and have heard that it's not as common for brides to dictate the actual shoes/jewelry anymore but that of course if she wants to that's fine as long as you can afford all that.

And then I'd take the chance to say that you know she's got a lot of big plans for the parties she's hoping (key word!) you BMs will be able to throw her, and you're looking forward to talking budget and details with all the other girls when the time comes and seeing what you can make happen. If she kicks you out, you dodged one hell of a bullet, and if not, maybe you'll get her head straight before she totally goes to the dark side.

emilyinchile

Oh, and as PPs have said, do not tell this girl one single piece of information more than you already have. Not colors, not cake flavors - nothing. Tell her it's all a surprise, and then she can't copy you.

banana468

I think a lot of the people have hit some rather large and ugly nails on the head:

1) She's NOT a good friend to you.  It's unfortunate that you have a friendship with her but she's certainly not treating you like a good friend.

2) Stop sharing details about the wedding with her.  You're right this isn't a competition - nor should your life revolve around your wedding day.  She's not planning to DIE that night right?

3) Call her and be very nice but up front.  "Hi friend.  I'm so excited that you asked me to be a BM, but right now, that dress, shoes and trip are just not things that I can afford.  If you'd like to look at some less expensive dresses, maybe that's something that would be great.  I know I can spend a total of $X on attire including alterations but no more.  The Key West trip sounds like a ton of fun but with the honeymoon coming up right after our wedding, I just can't swing that."