Need a little advice a little long sorry

mboiteau31

       I want to preface this by saying I do NOT want to demote, kick out, or change anyone's status as BM or MOH.  I just want some help in figuring out how to deal with my friend.  I have 2 best friends and 2 cousins who I am close to and chose to be in my wedding.  I chose one of my best friends as MOH, she was my first instinct and I pretty much asked her as I was telling her I was engaged.  I want her as MOH. 
        My other best friend and I have been friends longer and we have been through some real challenges in our relationship in the past few years.  She hurt me very badly a few years ago and abodoned me when I really needed her.  I have forgiven her and I trust her but it ruined the closeness of the friendship we had.  When I told her I had chosen my other best friend, she didn't say much.  SHe asked me why and I had a hard time telling her so my fiance piped in with she couldn' t choose so we picked a name out of a hat.  SHe seemed ok with that answer.  I feel guilty lying.
          Six months later she gets drunk at a party and decides to tell me how hurt she was because we have been friends longer.  After all we have have been through how could I do this to her?  I told her I was sorry, and how could I make it better.  She said she didn't know.  I want to be excited for my Wedding but everytime we talk about it she gets upset.  I try not to talk about it in front of her, but at first she really wanted to know every detail, now she doesn't. 
                      I am confused and don't know what to do.  I know she really wants to be in the wedding and I want her there, but I feel for me the other girl was the best choice.   Do I tell her the truth?  I really don't want to hurt her and I have already done that.

banana468

No, don't tell her the "This is why I asked someone else to be MOH," story.  It's not going to be anything good.

BUT, what you can say is, "I need to talk about us.  I feel like there may be some issues out there and I think we may need to clear the air."

Tell her that it hurt your feelings for her to put you on the spot like that (it's EXTEMELY rude to do that) and  that you feel like that's hurtful behavior in public.

Let her know that you love her, but that you want to patch things up and move forward.

No, I wouldn't demote OR promote.  She sounds like she's a bit selfish.

mbcdefg

Your FI really spoke out of turn with the "name out of a hat" thing. I can see why she'd be hurt by that.

However, it seems like she's more upset at not being MOH than she is about the name out of a hat thing, I gather? If this is the case, it doesn't seem like there's going to be any pleasing her unless she's the MOH. You didn't owe her an explanation from the get-go, and trying to fumble your way through one at this point in time wouldn't really help matters. It's rude of her to put pressure on you to be the MOH. It's also possible that she's embarrassed of her drunken confession and doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

I don't think I would actively explain to her why she's not MOH, especially since this came out after she'd been drinking. If she happens to bring it up, I would just say, "I have to apologize. FI said the 'name out of the hat' thing in an attempt to make you feel better, and I was wrong to go along with that explanation. The truth is that I just feel closer to [other friend] at this point in time. I'm grateful that we're still friends, but I don't think we're as close as we were a few years ago. I really want you up there with me and I hope you feel the same way. A silly one-day title shouldn't get in the way of our friendship."

If she makes comments, that might be time for the, "Well, if you are really unhappy and want to just be a guest, I'll understand. I really hope you will stand with me as a bridesmaid, but above all I want you to be happy."

trix1223

Your "friend" sounds really childish.  I confess that such silliness over a meaningless title annoys me.  But that's me.

As for your friend.....she was very wrong to put you on the spot.  It was in poor taste on her part. 

I do have a concern about FI'ss white lie.  Bad move~how do you explain to your MOH when your drunk BM lashes out with "You're only MOH because they chose out of a hat!"  Lesson learned....don't lie.

As for your friend~I guess I'd tell her that the choice has been made, and that you're very excited to have her as a BM.  If she gets p!ssy and takes herself out of the WP over it, oh well.  You know where you stand then, I guess.

Your wedding is over a year away.  You don't really even need to be talking with your "friend" about every detail.  Of course she's not excited about it.  Your wedding is over a year away!

I'd let this drop.  Stop talking wedding.  If she brings it up, bean dip her.  "Oh, we don't need to spend all our time talking about my wedding!  What's going on with you?  And have you tried this bean dip?  It's marvelous, isn't it?"

She can't continue a conversation about this if you don't engage.  So don't engage.

mboiteau31

      My friend has always been a bit self-centered.  Part of what she said as well is that she willbe left out of all the planning and she wants to help.  I told her that while help is appreciated that and welcomed its not required.  I feel like I asked them to stand up for me that day, look pretty in your dress and have a good time.  Thats all I need.  I don't bring up the wedding, she does and when I tell her stuff, after she has asked I get "thats cool" and then she goes on how she won't ever get married and changes the subject.  I then let her go on about her latest drama.  I should have said she is a bit of a drama queen and then she says she has to go and see you soon.  
      In FH's defense he was really just trying to help.  He normally wouldn't have said anything but he knew I was floundering.  I let him know that it wasn't good and to never do that again.

mboiteau31

I am still friends because when it comes right down to it she really is a very good person who would give you the shirt off her back.  She just enjoys drama and can be selfish at times.  She is kind of a walking contradiction.  Just when you think she is the most selfish and annoying peron in the world she does the nicest thing.

It wasn't that I told her I picked the other girl instead of her she asked me who the maid of honor was.

Thanks for the great advice, everyone.  I think that I will just ignore the comments about the wedding from her.  I realize that we also have kind of a competetive friendship as well and so a lot of this just may be jealosy and I will just give her some time to get through it.  My other friend offered to talk to her but I asked her not to, knowing it would make things worse.  

CTGirl30

Yeah, it's probably best not to talk weddings with this friend...keep your conversation on other topics (whatever you talked about before you became engaged). It sounds like you want to remain friends with her despite the drama / childishness because you feel that she does have some good, redeeming qualities that make you feel like it's worth it to keep up the energy to stay connected. So with that in mind, I'd just steer clear away from the topic of the wedding since it obviously triggered an outburst (rude as that was) from her at the party and she let you know there were some hurt feelings there on her part. Have you discussed the hurt feelings you are holding onto as well from the incident where she broke your trust and wasn't there for you when you needed her to be? Friendship goes both ways and it sounds like she is a bit self-centered....especially not cool of her to be putting you on the spot the way she did.

Maybe you two need to have a heart to heart about your friendship (remember - keep the wedding out of it) and clear the air of some of the past stuff so you can focus on moving forward...good idea not to have your other friend (MOH) talk to her - it's an issue between you and the BM friend.

mboiteau31

Thanks for some great advice.  I do agree that it has more with me probably not asking her opinions and such.  The wedding is a ways away and I will give her some time and talk abut our friendship

nmill349

You should never feel bad for the choice you made in YOUR wedding. Friends are supposed to be understanding. I chosen my college friend as a maid of honor over my high school friends who I obviously had known longer. They never once questioned my decison they expressed their gratitude of being chosen to be in the wedding in the first place. THAT is a friend. This is YOUR wedding. After careful consideration I decided to make another of my life long friends that I have know for over 10 years a maid of honor as well. I have two maids of honors. My wedding my rules. You should follow the same suite! Good luck to you!

bablingbrooke

nmill, please, stop.

nmill349

oh sorry bablingbrooke, I did not know that my post was directed to you? Or was it? Yea, keep it moving....