Uninviting a bridesmaid

seremi99

So I asked my fiance's 20-year-old daughter to be my bridesmaid. She lives across the country and I don't really know her. However, the circumstances came about that she was able to stay with us for a few months. However, after getting to know her, I am not at all comfortable with having her in my wedding party. She never finished high school, has no ambitions in life, and chooses to present herself in a slutty, thuglike manner most of the time. I have asked my fiance how he feels about me uninviting her, and he is backing me 100% as he does not approve of her lifestyle at all. Here's my problem. I need suggestions as to how to present it to her. She has good traits and can be sweet at times. She's not mouthy as in disrespectful to us, but I need to find a way to be as tactful as possible without completely severing the ties. Or do I just bite the bullet, and let her be in my bridal party? She flies back home on the 25th and I'm not sure whether to tell her in person before she goes or wait and break it by phone/email. HELP!

banana468

If you do this I think you're headed for some serious trouble.

We're talking about a 20 year old here.  At that age, people often have a ton of growing up to do (hence one of the major reasons young briides are advised to wait a few years before actually getting married).

Personally I'd keep her but you get final approval on the attire.   If you do anything else, I think you may run the risk of coming across as "that mean woman my dad is marrying."

mbcdefg

How did your FI react when you told him that his daughter is a slutty thug? He reacted by agreeing that you ought to boot her from your wedding, correct?

He sounds like a real prize of a father.

gottahavashorti

How badly do you want to be viewed as the evil stepmother by her friends and her mom's family?

Keep her in the wedding, support the things she does that are good and encourage her to go back to an alternative high school to get her diploma or to get her GED.  She's only 20.  She'll probably come around in a few years but a support system is important to have.

saxy414

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_uninviting-bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d7b5f945-dd19-4d17-94f4-ff85735c303cPost:59fb929c-2b51-40b6-a681-1133f933c703">Uninviting a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]So I asked my fiance's 20-year-old daughter to be my bridesmaid. She lives across the country and I don't really know her. However, the circumstances came about that she was able to stay with us for a few months. However, after getting to know her, I am not at all comfortable with having her in my wedding party. She never finished high school, has no ambitions in life, and chooses to present herself in a slutty, thuglike manner most of the time. I have asked my fiance how he feels about me uninviting her, and he is backing me 100% as he does not approve of her lifestyle at all. Here's my problem. I need suggestions as to how to present it to her. She has good traits and can be sweet at times. She's not mouthy as in disrespectful to us, but I need to find a way to be as tactful as possible without completely severing the ties. Or do I just bite the bullet, and let her be in my bridal party? She flies back home on the 25th and I'm not sure whether to tell her in person before she goes or wait and break it by phone/email. HELP!
Posted by seremi99[/QUOTE]

If you boot her, you will be the evil stepmother. 

Hopefully she'll come around, and if/when she does, it would be awful to have cut all ties with someone who could become a wonderful woman (and who probably is in there already anyway).  Do your best to get to know her and, and get the final word on her dress.  You said it yourself--she has good traits and can be sweet.  Why are you dismissing that so easily of a future step daughter?

vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_uninviting-bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d7b5f945-dd19-4d17-94f4-ff85735c303cPost:59fb929c-2b51-40b6-a681-1133f933c703">Uninviting a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]So I asked my fiance's 20-year-old daughter to be my bridesmaid. She lives across the country and I don't really know her. However, the circumstances came about that she was able to stay with us for a few months. However, after getting to know her, I am not at all comfortable with having her in my wedding party. She never finished high school, has no ambitions in life, and chooses to present herself in a slutty, thuglike manner most of the time. I have asked my fiance how he feels about me uninviting her, and he is backing me 100% as he does not approve of her lifestyle at all. Here's my problem. I need suggestions as to how to present it to her. She has good traits and can be sweet at times. She's not mouthy as in disrespectful to us, but I need to find a way to be as tactful as possible without completely severing the ties. Or do I just bite the bullet, and let her be in my bridal party? She flies back home on the 25th and I'm not sure whether to tell her in person before she goes or wait and break it by phone/email. HELP!
Posted by seremi99[/QUOTE]
 
Really? Are you really asking this? 

First of all, she's 20.  How responsible are most 20 year olds?  She is rebelling.  Th
at is what 20 year olds do.  Are you scared that she will be slutty and thuggy at the wedding? Probably not going to happen.

Secondly,  this is your step-daughter.  Is this really how you want to foster your relationship with her?  You kick her out and she will never forget or forgive.  And the fact that her father is backing you up on this is disgusting.  This is how kids completely derail.  Don't do this.  You are an adult.  Act like one.  You will sever the ties with not only her, but her family.

AdeleDazeem

I'm all kinds of confused.  If you are marrying a guy who has a twenty year old daughter, you must be old enough to know the answer to this question. 

andy71781

I think is a bad...no maybe the WORST idea I've heard in awhile.

[Deleted User]

Oh wow, okay. I'm a psych student and I can go ahead and tell you, her outside probably does not match her inside. I think you need to get to know her ASAP. It's an honor to be asked into a WP. You may have made her day. She may not act like it, or seem that she really cares, but she was probably flattered.

And I don't know what her high school/ambitions have to do with your wedding? If it's one thing I've learned on TK boards, it's that all she has to do is get cleaned up, wear a dress, and hold flowers.

So back to the psychology part. This really really bothers me. I plan on helping people in my very near future after grad school and if she really is the way you make her out to be, she really needs your help, not your rejection. If you can imagine why she has turned out to be a "slutty thug" then you may understand that kicking her out will only make her worse, and probably hate you, and hate her dad and *surprise* rebel more. She really needs some parental support, and you may be her saving grace. PLEASE do not tell her that you don't want her in your wedding anymore because you "disapprove of her lifestyle."

*Crossing fingers*

trix1223

Wow.  If this is how you start your journey as a stepmother, well,  I was going to say be prepared for a bumpy road.  But I'm going to revise that:  be prepared for a road filled with huge car sucking potholes.

You can't really be thinking that your wedding, and her participation in it is a good place to show her that you disapprove of her appearance.

If you toss her out because you think she looks like a slutty thug, all I can say is enjoy Thanksgivings and Christmases with your new stepdaughter.  I'm afraid they're not going to be lovely cozy Kodak family moments.

heyimbren

No, no, no do not kick her out.

You're going to be her step-mother: be a good ROLE model to her, if you're that worried about her.

Having a highschool diploma is NOT a requirement for being a bridesmaid. In reality, she can be a BM without having a huge role. Really, don't worry about it that much.

Consider this a good time to get to know her even more, and to really bond with her! She's about to become your family. Show her some love; you mentioned in your post that she isn't disrespectful and that she "has some good traits".

deepcovejackie

You're needing "suggestions on how to present it to her" because you can't think of a good way to do it, right?  That's because there is no good way.  You're headed for disaster if you do this.  Forever you'll be known as the bride/stepmother who kicked her stepdaughter out of her wedding party.

You FI should probably try some parenting with his daughter, and make her feel welcome and appreciated in his life.  I'm feeling for the poor girl, if her Dad is so quick to agree with you about kicking her out.  Talk about rejection.

SSaltzman87

I agree with ALL of the PPs- you'll look like the evil stepmother and have a HUGE chance of severing any and all ties to your future step daughter. Doesn't sound like your FI is much of a parent either if he didn't skip a beat in agreeing with you.

There is NO 'nice' way to boot someone out of your wedding party, whether they be family or friend. Who knows, she may drop out on her own. I would if I knew the bride held superficial details against me. Chances are- she has an overwhelming feeling that you don't like her and thinks you asked her to be in the wedding because you had to.

Also, having a high school diploma isn't a requirement to be a bridesmaid. You have the final say on what she wears to the wedding as part of the bridal party, so how she dresses from day to day shouldn't factor into this AT ALL.

I sure hope you take what we're all saying to heart, otherwise prepare to have karma come back to bite you.

aerinpegadrak

Wow.  I don't usually play the "I feel sorry for your FI" card, but in this case, I genuinely feel sorry for your future step-daughter.  If this is her family situation, no wonder she has problems.

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_uninviting-bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d7b5f945-dd19-4d17-94f4-ff85735c303cPost:59fb929c-2b51-40b6-a681-1133f933c703">Uninviting a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]So I asked my fiance's 20-year-old daughter to be my bridesmaid. She lives across the country and I don't really know her. However, the circumstances came about that she was able to stay with us for a few months. However, after getting to know her, I am not at all comfortable with having her in my wedding party. She never finished high school, has no ambitions in life, and chooses to present herself in a slutty, thuglike manner most of the time. I have asked my fiance how he feels about me uninviting her, and he is backing me 100% as he does not approve of her lifestyle at all. Here's my problem. I need suggestions as to how to present it to her. She has good traits and can be sweet at times. She's not mouthy as in disrespectful to us, but I need to find a way to be as tactful as possible without completely severing the ties. Or do I just bite the bullet, and let her be in my bridal party? She flies back home on the 25th and I'm not sure whether to tell her in person before she goes or wait and break it by phone/email. HELP!
Posted by seremi99[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Wait. You want to kick out your FI's daughter from your wedding party, and he AGREED WHOLEHEARTEDLY?!?! That is just sick.

</div>

seremi99

Thanks to all of those who chose to give advice instead of just passing judgment. My fiance and I have lots of reasons for coming to that decision. I just listed the major ones. It wasn't just a flip decision or 5-minute conversation. We talked at great lengths and several times about it. We only want the best for her, and have tried our best to be encouraging in every way possible, but she is choosing to make all of the wrong decisions, some of them being totally unsafe and unhealthy. However, I have taken into consideration everyone's advice, and after another long conversation with my fiance, we have decided to keep her in our wedding party. I do want to be a positive influence in her life, and as a couple of you stated, the wedding day isn't the day for us to express our opinions about her lifestyle. We will get the final say on her dress, since I am allowing my bridesmaids to pick whatever dress they want. Thanks to all of you for your sound advice.  

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_uninviting-bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d7b5f945-dd19-4d17-94f4-ff85735c303cPost:ea5cddf4-824a-4c66-9caf-9ac80de092ca">Re: Uninviting a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks to all of those who chose to give advice instead of just passing judgment. My fiance and I have lots of reasons for coming to that decision. I just listed the major ones. It wasn't just a flip decision or 5-minute conversation. We talked at great lengths and several times about it. We only want the best for her, and have tried our best to be encouraging in every way possible, but she is choosing to make all of the wrong decisions, some of them being totally unsafe and unhealthy. However, I have taken into consideration everyone's advice, and after another long conversation with my fiance, we have decided to keep her in our wedding party. I do want to be a positive influence in her life, and as a couple of you stated, the wedding day isn't the day for us to express our opinions about her lifestyle. We will get the final say on her dress, since I am allowing my bridesmaids to pick whatever dress they want. Thanks to all of you for your sound advice.  
Posted by seremi99[/QUOTE]

That sounds like a very reasonable and wise decision to make. GL with your planning and future family!

bablingbrooke

Good that you decided not to boot her.  But FYI, three psych classes doesn't make you an expert in the field and hardly enough to evaluate her.  When you get your MA or Ph.D., feel free to diagnose her.  I also think I know why she's acting out...