MOH dilemma.

phishnwithmoe

let me begin by saying- i am a very non-confrontational person. i recently got engaged- and knew it was coming- as did most of my close girlfriends.we have all talked about the wedding and celebrating when it happened. i had planned on asking my oldest friend (we've been friends since kindergarten) to be my MOH. my fiance and i live out of the area where our parents, and most of our friends live- and we are going home for the first time since our engagement. other friends have offered to travel to see us to celebrate- but my oldest "Friend" is pretty caught up in herself. when i asked to go out to lunchwith her and  without her boyfriend (who refuses to move in with her, commit to any sort of engagment, wedding etc.) she said she had planned on going to the movies with him and shell see if their plans were still on (she sees him daily). annoyed, i didn't respond to her since i had intended on asking her to be my moh- but am not going to now. how do i kindly say shes a flake and puts herself before others and thats why i dont want her as a moh, as possibly not as a bridesmaid- since she is expecting to be asked to be part of the wedding in some sense or another. we aren't planning our wedding until september or november of 2014- but i know if she is acting like this now- shes not going to be any better for the wedding.

bunni727

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-dilemma-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d98cef8d-44a7-4f1e-9693-7d28ec6f6b32Post:82b98322-9990-4c76-b420-dad6853b77ed">MOH dilemma.</a>:
[QUOTE]let me begin by saying- i am a very non-confrontational person. i recently got engaged- and knew it was coming- as did most of my close girlfriends.we have all talked about the wedding and celebrating when it happened. i had planned on asking my oldest friend (we've been friends since kindergarten) to be my MOH. my fiance and i live out of the area where our parents, and most of our friends live- and we are going home for the first time since our engagement. other friends have offered to travel to see us to celebrate- but my oldest "Friend" is pretty caught up in herself. <strong>when i asked to go out to lunchwith her and  without her boyfriend (who refuses to move in with her, commit to any sort of engagment, wedding etc.) she said she had planned on going to the movies with him and shell see if their plans were still on (she sees him daily)</strong>. annoyed, i didn't respond to her since i had intended on asking her to be my moh- but am not going to now. how do i kindly say shes a flake and puts herself before others and thats why i dont want her as a moh, as possibly not as a bridesmaid- since she is expecting to be asked to be part of the wedding in some sense or another. we aren't planning our wedding until september or november of 2014- but i know if she is acting like this now- shes not going to be any better for the wedding.
Posted by phishnwithmoe[/QUOTE]

I'm not understanding why this is a big enough deal to split up a friendship since kindergarten. She already had plans, and she wouldn't break them, so she is a flake and puts herself before others? I don't think that means what you think it means.

Also, don't tell anyone why they aren't a particular role, don't ask anyone to be in your wedding for quite a while, and make sure you don't expect too much from your bridesmaids when you do.

TiffannieF

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-dilemma-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d98cef8d-44a7-4f1e-9693-7d28ec6f6b32Post:82b98322-9990-4c76-b420-dad6853b77ed">MOH dilemma.</a>:
[QUOTE]let me begin by saying- i am a very non-confrontational person. i recently got engaged- and knew it was coming- as did most of my close girlfriends.we have all talked about the wedding and celebrating when it happened. i had planned on asking my oldest friend (we've been friends since kindergarten) to be my MOH. my fiance and i live out of the area where our parents, and most of our friends live- and we are going home for the first time since our engagement. other friends have offered to travel to see us to celebrate- but my oldest "Friend" is pretty caught up in herself. when i asked to go out to lunchwith her and  without her boyfriend (who refuses to move in with her, commit to any sort of engagment, wedding etc.) she said she had planned on going to the movies with him and shell see if their plans were still on (she sees him daily). annoyed, i didn't respond to her since i had intended on asking her to be my moh- but am not going to now. <strong>how do i kindly say shes a flake and puts herself before others and thats why i dont want her as a moh</strong>, as possibly not as a bridesmaid- since she is expecting to be asked to be part of the wedding in some sense or another. we aren't planning our wedding until september or november of 2014- but i know if she is acting like this now- shes not going to be any better for the wedding.
Posted by phishnwithmoe[/QUOTE]

You can't tell a person kindly that they are a flake.  It will be rude and will more than likely cause problems in your relationship.

I put A LOT of people in front of my friends: my husband (and when we weren't married/engaged I still put him first), my neices/nephews, my dad, my brother, etc.  So you, as a friend, may be a priority but not as much of a priority than her bf.  Would you make her a priority over your FI?

It's none of your business what type of relationship her and her bf have, that information was irrelevant.

MOHs and BMs need to get a dress and be there on the wedding day...she doesn't need to do dress fittings with you, lick envelopes, or whatever else some brides think BMs need to do.  So her flakiness would not affect you unless she flaked out of the wedding.

My phone will capitalize my i's as well as the first letter of my sentence...is my phone and computer the only one that does that?

You have over 2 years...the relationship might not even exist by 2013 so I wouldn't worry about this AT ALL.  Wait until 9 months before the wedding.

And all of this aside, I *personally* would not ask her to be a MOH because it doesn't sound like your relationship is great.  BMs and especially MOHs should be your nearest and dearest. 

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-dilemma-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d98cef8d-44a7-4f1e-9693-7d28ec6f6b32Post:82b98322-9990-4c76-b420-dad6853b77ed">MOH dilemma.</a>:
[QUOTE]let me begin by saying- i am a very non-confrontational person. i recently got engaged- and knew it was coming- as did most of my close girlfriends.we have all talked about the wedding and celebrating when it happened. i had planned on asking my oldest friend (we've been friends since kindergarten) to be my MOH. my fiance and i live out of the area where our parents, and most of our friends live- and we are going home for the first time since our engagement. other friends have offered to travel to see us to celebrate- but my oldest "Friend" is pretty caught up in herself. <strong>when i asked to go out to lunchwith her </strong>and  without her boyfriend (who refuses to move in with her, commit to any sort of engagment, wedding etc.) <strong>she said she had planned on going to the movies with him and shell see if their plans were still on</strong> (she sees him daily). annoyed, i didn't respond to her since i had intended on asking her to be my moh- but am not going to now. <strong>how do i kindly say shes a flake and puts herself before others and thats why i dont want her as a moh, as possibly not as a bridesmaid</strong>- since she is expecting to be asked to be part of the wedding in some sense or another. <strong>we aren't planning our wedding until september or november of 2014</strong>- but i know if she is acting like this now- shes not going to be any better for the wedding.
Posted by phishnwithmoe[/QUOTE]

Um, so you are pissed with her because she had other plans already in place and because of that she couldn't go to lunch with you?

And what does the fact that her boyfriend isn't living with her or asked her to marry him have anything to do with her being your MOH?  Mayber they aren't ready to take that next step, maybe they are happy with where their relationship is right now.

There is no nice way to tell her that she is a flake.  Did she know that you were going to ask her to be your MOH at this lunch?  Most likely no, so why the heck are you so pissed?  Do you expect her to drop everything to be by your side at a moments notice?  If so, you need a change of attitude.

Oh, and you shouldn't ask your WP until about 9 months out from your wedding because a lot can change in the course of two years.

And, there is so much wrong with this post that all I can do is shake my head in disbelief.

MyNameIsNot

She wouldn't break plans to do something with you and you think that makes her a flake?  If she did break the plans, then she would be a flake.  Failing to make you the center of her life is not a character flaw.  If you are going to be this self centered from now until the wedding, you are going to have big issues.  

There is no reason to tell her that you think she is a flake.  Although you probably should, because she deserves to know what kind of crazy her best friend is going.  

Don't ask anyone to be in your WP until 9 months before.  

michawoodsWed25175

Hi there!

As others have said, I wouldn't worry about asking anyone to be in your bridal party until 9 months prior, 12 months at the soonest (especially since you already know you'll have such a long engagement).  That should give you plenty of time to assess who you want to be your MOH, and even exactly how many BM's you want to have.  Having filled the role of Bride last fall, and in anticipation of filling the role of MOH next spring, I can tell you that I personally do not subscribe to the theory that a BM's only job is to buy a dress and show up.  It's not a pageant, it's a wedding, and I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting your BM's to put in a little light duty to help you through your planning process, and possibly even the day of (although, that being said, they are your friends and you'll want them to join in the fun and celebration with you, so don't saddle them with all the responsibilities of a paid wedding planner).

I've noticed a trend in people assuming (in life, not just at wedding time) that longest = best when it comes to friendship.  This is most definitely not the case, and I would advise you to wait awhile and give some more serious thought to who your MOH should be.  Think of the person who is always there when you need her, the one you spend the most time with and whose company you enjoy most.  That's your MOH.  If you have a sister, you may want to honor her by giving her that role.  An old friend who you've known your whole life will still be honored by being asked to be a BM.  Hell, if a friend I hadn't seen in a long time even bothered to invite me to the wedding I'd feel honored!

With all of this in mind, it seems like you do have some reservations about the friendship in general.  I know others have said your friend's romance is none of your business, but I have been in your shoes before and know what it's like to watch someone you love engage in an unhealthy relationship.  In fact, I have lost friends to controlling boyfriends who dominated the couple's schedule and were, in some extreme cases, blatantly rude and threatening to me.  If your friend is in such an unhealthy and/or abusive relationship, I would advise you to speak with her about your concerns for her safety and emotional health.  If you simply don't approve of the guy, then unfortunately you'll just have to sit back and let her live her life, even if that means she puts him first over you.

Be patient with all of your friends, and give yourself plenty of time to think over your wedding party decisions, and, more importantly, your friendship decisions.

gananoque

It sounds like you just don't like this person and don't want to be her friend. Why not end the friendship (if you resent and disrespect her so deeply) and leave it at that?

marybroooke

You referred to her as your oldest friend, not your best friend, and it's clear from your post that you guys have a rocky relationship right now.  I agree with the others that you need to wait, probably at least a year, before asking anyone.  Friendships change and you don't want to be stuck with a wedding party you're not super close with.  I say chill out for now and when the time comes, ask your best friend, not your oldest. 

mbcdefg

she said she had planned on going to the movies with him and shell see if their plans were still on (she sees him daily). annoyed, i didn't respond to her since i had intended on asking her to be my moh- but am not going to now. how do i kindly say shes a flake and puts herself before others and thats why i dont want her as a moh, as possibly not as a bridesmaid-

How does her refusing to cancel the plans she already had equate to her being a "flake" and "putting herself before others"?

Seems to me that the problem here is that you're pissy that she didn't cancel all her plans to hang out with YOU. She's not a "flake" just because she didn't drop everything and come running to your side, sweetie.

OBX2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-dilemma-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d98cef8d-44a7-4f1e-9693-7d28ec6f6b32Post:82b98322-9990-4c76-b420-dad6853b77ed">MOH dilemma.</a>:
[QUOTE]let me begin by saying- i am a very non-confrontational person. i recently got engaged- and knew it was coming- as did most of my close girlfriends.we have all talked about the wedding and celebrating when it happened. i had planned on asking my oldest friend (we've been friends since kindergarten) to be my MOH. my fiance and i live out of the area where our parents, and most of our friends live- and we are going home for the first time since our engagement. other friends have offered to travel to see us to celebrate- but my oldest "Friend" is pretty caught up in herself. when i asked to go out to lunchwith her and  without her boyfriend (who refuses to move in with her, commit to any sort of engagment, wedding etc.) she said she had planned on going to the movies with him and shell see if their plans were still on (she sees him daily). annoyed, i didn't respond to her since i<strong>had intended on asking her to be my moh- but am not going to now. how do i kindly say shes a flake and puts herself before others and thats why i dont want her as a moh, as possibly not as a bridesmaid</strong>- since she is expecting to be asked to be part of the wedding in some sense or another. we aren't planning our wedding until september or november of 2014- but i know if she is acting like this now- shes not going to be any better for the wedding.
Posted by phishnwithmoe[/QUOTE]


Seriously??  You need to remember that other people have lives and that their world does not revolve around your wedding.

So b/c your friend isn't going to lunch with you, that makes her flaky and selfish and you don't want her to be your MOH b/c of THATTTTT??? 

YOU need to start acting better.  You sound like you are on the road to becoming a bridezilla if this entitled behavior continues.  And btw, you should NOT be asking anyone until January-March 2014, depending on your Sept-Nov date.

pkontk

I would have turned you down for lunch if I already had plans as well.  Sorry, but I adhere to the plans I make with people.  That actually makes her seem like less of a flake, not more.

You don't 'nicely' tell someone they're a flake and therefore they can't be your MOH.  You don't even tell someoen nicely that you were going to make them MOH but decided against it.  That's not a conversation you should have with anyone, ever, unless they did something irreparable to the friendship.

You should wait until at least a year before your wedding before you ask your bridal party.  If you still feel that way about this friend, don't ask her to be a bridesmaid or MOH.

misssunshine17

You sound very judgemental about someone who is supposed to be your friend. 

Ditto all PPs. You don't need to talk to her about your wedding at all, it really is too far away for most people to be excited about.