Wedding Party

Family DRAMA... Yikes!

I've just recently gotten engaged, and we are SO excited! Some people, however, are not as excited for us... namely, my sister. I had always assumed that I'd want her to be my Maid of Honor, but now that it's come down to it, I don't. I don't think she will be supportive, and to be honest, I'm not as close with her as I used to be. I have already decided to ask one of my best friends, a girl I've know for 10 years, who I KNOW will be supportive and helpful and excited for my fiance and I.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How do you suggest I handle telling my sister that while I would love her to be a bridesmaid, I will be using another friend as my MOH? Thanks so much!

Re: Family DRAMA... Yikes!

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    You don't have to say anything to your sister about why she's not MOH.  Just ask her to be a BM.  If she asks who is MOH, then just tell her that it's your friend.

    A word of caution though, you shouldn't have expectations of anyone helping you with the wedding except your fiance.  Your BMs are just supposed to be there by your side as you celebrate your marriage.  So don't pick your MOH based on how helpful they'll be.
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    If she's your only sister and this coolness has been relatively recent, I would hold off on telling them which is MOH and which is BM, just ask them to be in your BP, if you must ask them now.

    Wait until after the holidays, if your sister is single, she might just feel badly that you're getting married and be feeling kind of alone. If she hasn't gotten over herself by the end of the holidays (which is a pretty good time to be more selfless) then that'll tell you something. Maybe I'm making too many excuses for her, whatever. But as an only sister myself who has always been best friends with my sister I tend to give sisters the benefit of the doubt.
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    Don't presume that you'll want help, either.  I made a slight error in judgment and asked a friend who was being super helpful to be MOH over my sisters.  It worked out just fine and DH was relieved to be able to have his best friend like he wanted (having my sisters as MsOH would have made him feel pressured to have his brothers as BM), but once I got a handle on what I wanted and needed to do for the wedding, her differing opinions just created added tension.

    Basing your relationships on how excited people are is dangerous.  No one will ever be as excited for your wedding as you, and you're only setting yourself up for disappointment and drama if you expect everyone around you to be an oozing pile of squee for the next 10 months.

    The only thing the MOH decision should be based upon is how close you are to the person.  If you're not very close to your sister, that's fine.  But MOH isn't a reward for the best helper.
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    Ditto PPs.  Nobody will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are.  Not even your FI.  Is your sister older than you or younger?  If she is older than yes there is a good chance her lack of excitement is jealousy.  I don't think the reactions to your engagement though should dictate who is your MOH.  Before you got engaged, did you still think she would be your MOH?  Did you change your mind solely after her lack of excitement?  If so, then I think you need ot re-think your decision.  If you really want this friend to be the MOH then fine, but just do it for the right reasons.  There is nothing saying that a sister has to be a MOH, or even a BM for that matter.  Just please don't base your decision on who you think will do the most for you or plan the best parties for you.

    As for telling her why she isn't a MOH, you don't.  If you decide to stick with your decision, you just ask her to be a BM.  If she asks who is the MOH then you tell her.  But you should never say "I don't think you are good enough to be my MOH so will you be a BM?"  And I'm sure you wouldn't word it that way, but thats how she would hear it. 
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    Don't have the "This is why you aren't good enough to be MOH" conversation. Just ask her to be a BM. When you say "will you be a bridesmaid?" she will understand that it isn't the same as "will you be MOH?" Giving her reasons as to why she can't be MOH will only hurt her feelings.
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    Please realize that "supportive" just means that they should be happy that you are marrying the person you love, and that they support your union.

    "Supportive" does not equal being excited about a party, and about getting to pay a lot of money to wear a dress once, help you plan and maybe throw you parties. Especially when said party is several months in advance.

    Nobody will ever be as excited for your wedding as you will be, and it'd be unfair to punish someone because she's not.

    And your wedding is one day. One day. And then it's over. You do a ton of preparation and then it's over. And your guests and bridesmaids are there to support your marriage, then eat and drink and dance and have fun afterward. The preparation for your wedding really means nothing in the grand scheme of life. Your marriage is what counts.
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    If you've only recently started to feel like this about your sister, I'd hold off asking until you're sure that you want to do this.  You still have a lot of time until then.  If you do decide that you want to have your BFF over your sister, just ask your sister to be a BM.  Do NOT tell her why she's not MOH, that will only hurt her feelings.

    It might hurt her feelings anyway, especially if her being your MOH is something that's expected in your family.  If that's the case, do you want to risk hurting your relationship with her like this?  Just make your decision carefully.

    Also, there's nothing that's stopping you from having them both as co-MOHs.
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