Sorry if this is a long post, I just kind of need to vent and there is a long backstory.
Two of my BMs and I have our little "group" of friends - we used to hang out all the time, travel together, etc... We still consider ourselves in a three-way friendship, for lack of a better word, even though we have gotten older and life makes it harder for us to see each other as frequently as before. I am the youngest of the three, the BM I am having difficulties with is the oldest. This BM has always wanted to be married. She broke up wih the guy that she thought she would marry shortly after her and I met. Since then, she has been in a few serious relationships, but always sort of "jumped the gun" on the marriage issue. The relationships always ended up going South either because she made them last longer than they should because she only focused on the marriage outcome, or because she was so intense about the marriage thing that the guy got overwhelmed. When our third friend got engaged and married a few years ago, there was all sorts of drama because my BM was sad and didn't know how to handle it. When I got engaged recently, I could also tell that this made her sad.
About two and a half years ago, I lost my dad very suddenly. He was in perfect health but had a heart attack and was gone in less than two hours. My mother's family all lives abroad and my father was estranged from his brother, his only living relative, leaving me, my mom, and my sister alone as family in the US. My sister has emotional issues so it basically fell on me to get everyone through the tough times. Six weeks after my father died, FI's father (he was my BF then, but we've been together a long time) also died very suddenly. FI's parents divorced when he was two, but his father had remarried and had another son, who was then 14 years old. FI also became the main support system for his step-mom and half-brother during this time.
I was very close to my dad - daddy's little girl and the son he never had all rolled into one. Losing him was the hardest thing I've ever been through. On top of that, my mother and sister were very demanding of my time. I went home every weekend and, after FI's father passed away, basically split my time between his family and mine. This did not go down well with my mother and sister, but I felt like I was (am) part of his family too and had to be there for it. Not to mention I was stuck in a crappy, and very demanding, job and had to handle those issues as well. Things were pretty stressful for at least a year as a result. In addition, FI and I lived in a studio apartment which we were supposed to move out of two months after my father died, but we decided to keep it because we couldn't handle a move in addition to everything else. So we were grieving, stressed out of our minds, and living in one tiny little studio apartment. Many times neither one of us thought we would make it. We ended up going to joint grief counseling/couple's counseling for over a year before we felt strong enough as a couple to get engaged.
During this time, I withdrew from most of my "normal" life - I couldn't handle crowds very well, and I just wasn't feeling very social. On the odd weekends I was home, I generally spent it at home, or at quiet restaurants with only a friend or two. The friends who I did see were the ones who called, insisted on taking me out, and respected my wishes for quieter places and early nights. The times I did see my BM, she would tell me she missed me and complained that she never saw me anymore. But she never called and, in my emotional haze, I never was capable of realizing that hey - a phone works both ways. I felt guilty about it, but I just didn't have the capacity to do much about it.
Obviously, things have gotten much better. About a year ago, FI and I moved into a beautiful 1 bedroom apartment and got the most amazing dog (a dream of mine since I was 8). I quit my job and started my own business. My sister and mother have started doing better on their own and I have gotten better at making sure I take care of myself too. And then, of course, FI and I got engaged, which is the best part of it all. After all we've been through, to know that he still wants a life and a family with me makes me beyond grateful for everything else too.
Last week, I got a call from my BM asking me to meet her for coffee. When I met her, she told me that she needed to tell me something, which was basically this: that she was very happy for me, but that before she could "throw" herself into my wedding (her word), she needed to tell me that she was very hurt by the fact that she felt that I had shown no interest in her life for the last two years. She then told me that I was completely absent for the last two main events of her life (breakup with the last boyfriend, and her dad's recent illness) and that she didn't want to devote (or something) herself to my wedding when she couldn't be sure I would be there the next time she had a major life event.
After my initial shock (because, well, it's my wedding, I'm planning it, and I don't expect anyone in the WP -or the guests for that matter - to do anything more than to just show up and pose for pics on the day of. There needs to be no "throwing" of any kind), I got a little angry. I told her what I said above, essentially that while she was always giving me a hard time for not being around, she never called, and she denied it. I also pointed out that what she said wasn't true. For example (I'll only list one here, this post is already long enough), on the day she broke up with said-BF, I spent over an hour on the phone with her. I told her the date that conversation took place and asked her if she knew how I could remember the exact date. When she said no, I told her it as my parents' wedding anniversary, the first one after my father passed away. I spent the whole evening with my mother, watching her gradually lose it to grief, and then came home and spent an hour on the phone with my BM trying to cheer her up. Her response to that was "yeah, but you never called after that." Which wasn't necessarly true, I did call, just obviously not enough. The conversation went on and on like that. Eventually she changed tack and said I had disappeared after i met my FI, which my FI pointed out to me was not true. I just became more of a homebody around that time, even when FI wanted to go out, I would often stay in studying (I was in grad school at that time), or watch a movie at home.
There have been no engagements/weddings/babies/job promotions or other good news in either of our immediate families since our fathers' passings, so this engagement/wedding is a big deal to many in our families. I didn't want any drama to spoil that, so I just let it go with my friend. I told her I was sorry, would make more of an effort, etc... She's always been somewhat self-centered and, recently, has been going through a tough time. Her last birthday was hard on her because she feels like she will never have what she really wants (marriage) and she is not getting any younger. I feel like some of this, at least, might have been her taking out other frustrations on me. But still, the more I think of the conversation I had, the more I feel hurt by it. I guess I don't really need advice, just needed to get this off my chest, so thanks for listning :-)
