How to tell someone they're NOT in the wedding party??

kiwigreen11

So....I have a mix of an etiquette/heading off an awkward situation question. 

Here's some background to the story:  I've got a good friends from elementary school, who just got married, and I was a a co-MOH in the wedding. While the wedding was a lovely event, there were several incidents beforehand that were....unpleasant, and since, there has been no thank you (not even verbally).  And it was kinda a big deal since i live several states away, yet made the effort to come up for all pre-wedding events -- and all i want is a thank you!  

Lapses of etiquette aside, I've since gotten engaged (to a wonderful man, yay!).  And while we're still reaaaallly early on (totally don't have a site or a date yet), I've pretty much made up my mind not to include her in the wedding party. We've decided to keep things quieter - my brother is dude o'honor; 2 BMs and 1 jr BM.  And my reason for not including her is mostly b/c including her would not be relaxing -- she would basically need one of the other BMs to corral her around and make sure she shuts up and listens, which would add another stress to my day, and i assure you my mother will be running the show on stress-causers.  

So...the problem is....she's going to assume that she's in the WP.  She assumed it before i was even engaged!  And I've been avoiding talking to her b/c I have no idea how to tell her her assumptions are wrong.  

So...how do i break it to this girl that I don't want to include heras a BM without ruining the friendship?  I'll take advice b/c the ppl i've talked to are totally at a loss on how to get her to listen.   Sorry for the long post and thank you!!

mbcdefg

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_tell-fsil-shes-not-wedding

bablingbrooke

So it sounds like you haven't asked her, right?  So just don't ask her.  Don't have the talk--it basically will come across as, "You're not good enough to be in my wedding and here's why."  And even if she isn't a very nice person to be around, no one deserves to be on the receiving end of that conversation.

If she starts talking about being a BM, you need to nip it in the bud.  "Susie, unfortunately we already picked our WP, and we couldn't possibly have asked everyone we would have wanted because then no one would be left as a guest!  I really can't wait to see you at the wedding and party with you like we did in [your wedding, Cancun, spring break, you get the idea.]  So tell me all about [how work is going, your upcoming vacation plans, etc.  Basically change the subject so that she starts talking about herself.]

If she assumes she's in the WP and asks you why, don't indulge her.  Even if she pushes you, you need to change the subject, hang up the phone, etc.  She would be in the wrong to ask, but don't "feed the beast" and turn this into a big issue.

trix1223

ditto pps who gave you such good advice.  You're actually in a good place here because you don't yet have a wedding date and you're so newly engaged.

You don't initiate the conversation, but if she's bold enough to ask, simply say "We're not going to choose a wedding party until much closer to our wedding date." 

And then see where your relationship goes.  Perhaps it will rekindle and you'll find you do, in fact want her in the WP.  And perhaps it will ebb, as relationships often do and her participation will become a moot point as you're not really friends anymore.

muamanda18

Just avoid wedding talk with her...you could always have her do a reading or something if you think she'll really freak out over not being a bm.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_tell-someone-theyre-not-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:da6d400c-c5f6-46b9-9f6c-f93fe1826250Post:cdbf9fa8-72f4-4b16-82d7-5f682930c5bf">Re: How to tell someone they're NOT in the wedding party??</a>:
[QUOTE]given that she told my mom BEFORE i got engaged that she was all excited about helping to plan my wedding (they still live in the same town), it's like a legit worry. 

Posted by kiwigreen11[/QUOTE]

Don't forget, someone needn't be a bridesmaid to help out with the wedding. Whoever volunteers her help is certainly welcome to do so (if you want to accept the help).

Hopefully, if she said that she'd like to help, then she's willing to help you no matter what role she plays in your wedding. It's really sad and doesn't speak much of her if she withdraws her offer to help just because she's not a bridesmaid. That isn't your fault ... that's just her being petty.