BM problem w.

futuremrsmason1

So here's my issue... We are having a groomsmaid, a close friend of both of ours who has been friends with my fiance since college. She initially agreed to be a part of our wedding party, but then said that she couldn't do it because of finances. I want her there because she is a great friend and would hate for money to get in the way of this. I thought I had made it pretty clear to our wedding party that we dont want anything extravagent from them, truly just their company, love, and support on our wedding day. I offered to buy the dresses for the BMs in an effort to be conscious of the cost. Even after offering to get her dressaccessories, she still declined. We both really want her there.... What do I do?????

I dont want to offend anyone, just want to celebrate w. the people I love.

kmmssg

Let it go.  Maybe she just isn't comfortable in the role or something.  The important thing is that she is a great friend and supports your marriage.  She has declined twice.  I'd let it go.

I don't want you to go back and hound her on this or anything, but do you think she is more of a traditionalist and is uncomfortable being a groomswoman than a bridesmaid?

mbcdefg

You invited her to be in the bridal party. She said no. That's why it's called an invitation and not a subpoena.

Short of a gun to the head, you can't make her do it, so let it go.

Miss LLL

I've been asked to be a bridesmaid and I have declined because of personal reasons and also finances. It is the hardest thing in the whole world to do and I felt so bad doing it, but I really did not feel comfortable being a BM. 

My friend didn't take it well and it has put strain on our friendship. Don't push the point, It's your wedding between you and your partner. If  she has reasons then there is no point in getting upset and jeopardizing the friendship.

gmcr78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-problem-w?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:de8a3ed1-b89f-45e0-9158-ce0eb7ff5aabPost:65318f6d-1b99-41e5-acdb-8a04851f6fa0">Re:BM problem w.</a>:
[QUOTE]Is she having to travel to the wedding? If so, that may be the cost she's referring to. If not, and you are paying for the dress, I would assume she has another reason for not wanting to be in the WP and is using cost as the easy explanation. It sucks, but I wouldn't push the issue if that is the case. Declining to be a BM is a really hard thing to do and you'll likely just make her feel super guilty, which I know isn't your intention at all.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

While this may be true, it may still be finances.  I know that friends of ours declined being in a WP due to finances, and it wasn't just about dresses and tuxes.  It was about not being able to contribute to things they wanted to and felt they should contribute to, such as showers/bachelor parties.  Even though none of that stuff is required and the bride and groom made it clear that that's not the reason they asked and do not need them to contribute to anything like this, they still may feel weird not participating or contributing.
I know personally that I would feel bad if I was in a WP and I couldn't contribute to those types of things-not b/c they're required, but because I'd want to.

futuremrsmason1

Thanks everyone.  I guess I will just have to let it go... I think I was being kind of selfish because I just wanted her to be a part of things so badly.  I totally understand not having a lot of money ( I work in social services... def not rolling in the dough over here!) so I guess I just need to accept it.  She is not travelling, but maybe it is the other stuff (shower etc) that she doesn't feel comfortable with... or it could be something else all together! I don't want to put a strain on our relationship by being pushy.  At the bottom of it, I think I am disappointed and tried to "fix" things...

Do you girls think I should say anything to her re: being OK with everything, or should I just drop it and chalk it up to being a dead issue? Ahhhhh weddings are so complicated! Thanks for all of your advice.

tidetravel

Just tell her that you love her and will miss having her in the wedding party, but that you understand and hope she'll be able to attend as a guest.  Being invited to be a guest at a wedding is still an honor.

amradich

In Response to BM problem w.:

I had the same thing happen to me about 2 months ago. One of my bridesmaids dropped out due to having too many bills (she would have to travel 4 hours to come to the wedding) and due to her lack of money. I offered to help her pay for the dress, help hook her up with a free place to stay, etc. But she still declined. However, just a few days later, she was planning trips to go to NYC (she lives in NC) and other friends homes and she bought a brand new gas grill for her house. 

And then today I had another bridesmaid drop out of the wedding (1 month away) because her mom and dad are moving to another state and she is going with them. However, she doesn't leave until the day after my wedding and she refused to come down (she lives an hour and a half away currently) for the day of the wedding and leave the next morning. 

Sometimes, there's nothing you can do. The people that truely want to be there and truely love you are going to do everything in their power to be by your side. The others are just going to come up with excuses.  

I wish you and your FH my love, happiness and success!!

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-problem-w?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:de8a3ed1-b89f-45e0-9158-ce0eb7ff5aabPost:a7c2c540-6baa-4979-85af-64bbc97587ea">Re: BM problem w.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to BM problem w. : I had the same thing happen to me about 2 months ago. One of my bridesmaids dropped out due to having too many bills (she would have to travel 4 hours to come to the wedding) and due to her lack of money. I offered to help her pay for the dress, help hook her up with a free place to stay, etc. But she still declined. However, just a few days later, she was planning trips to go to NYC (she lives in NC) and other friends homes and she bought a brand new gas grill for her house.  And then today I had another bridesmaid drop out of the wedding (1 month away) because her mom and dad are moving to another state and she is going with them. However, she doesn't leave until the day after my wedding and she refused to come down (she lives an hour and a half away currently) for the day of the wedding and leave the next morning.  Sometimes, there's nothing you can do. <strong>The people that truely want to be there and truely love you are going to do everything in their power to be by your side. The others are just going to come up with excuses. </strong>  I wish you and your FH my love, happiness and success!!
Posted by amradich[/QUOTE]

Please stop spouting off with party lines that are completely wrong.