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I know I can count on you girls...

...to talk me down off a ledge before J gets here tomorrow at 3pm.

My FBIL is driving me NUTS and I'm [thisclose] to telling J if he asks him to be an attendant like J wants him to be I will walk away and never look back.  Which I KNOW is rude and horrible and the worst idea ever, hence the needing to be talked off a ledge thing.

FBIL is the middle child and has "middle child syndrome" to the N degree.  Every event must somehow become about him, and I know it's intentional because he admitted it to me.  Case in point: J graduated from college last Saturday and instead of taking pictures after the ceremony, we spent an hour talking while his family "consoled" FBIL who was "upset that [he] will not be graduating for another two years, and it was unfair."  WHAT?  You are twenty years old, grow up.

He emailed me this morning and told me that asking J to come down this weekend was "selfish" and "frankly, disappointing."  He also said that he hopes that his mother is right and that J "gets a brain" and breaks off the engagement before he "gets in too deep".  [FMIL is another subject, but she's only about as half as BSC as she acts.] 

Anyway, basically what I'm asking is suggestions on how to deal with FBIL.  J has already made it clear that he will be asking him to be an attendant (possibly BM) and even more than that, he's in my life for a number of years beyond the wedding day.  How do I not punch this boy in the face?

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Re: I know I can count on you girls...

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    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
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    He's 20. Dollars to donuts says he'll mature in a couple years.

    And if not, just ignore him.
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    I am praying that its just the age.  Because if it isn't he may just get a punch to the face sooner or later.

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    A gm or bm is only responsible for showing up. Yes, he's your FBIL, but who cares? He's 20 like you said. Just ignore him.
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    If J wants him in the wedding party, I'd let it be.  No one can steal the spotlight from the bride and groom and even if he tries, the only people who will care are J's family.  The other 1/2 of your guests won't give a sh!t about whatever he is crying about and ignore him.

    I also agree that most of this is from age.  One last thing, and I know this isn't really a good reason to have someone in the wedding party, but just think about how much of a fit he will throw if he is not included.  Since he is J's brother, it will probably be easier to ignore him if he is in the party.

    To avoid problems if he is in party, 1) have J tell him what attire he picks out.  If he throws a fit and doesn't get it, then that's his problem, 2) have a sweetheart table so you won't have to deal with him at the reception, and 3) don't have any attendants give a speech.

    Good luck!
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    Repeat this to your self: My Wedding Party is made of my family and friends and I should treat them as such.
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    Yeah it sounds like he's just really immature. How old is your FI? My stepbrother is 24 and solves his problems by punching things, which always results in a broken hand. Guys take longer to mature.

    The graduation thing would severely piss me off. If my brother had done that I would have told him to suck it up and be a man, for Christ's sake. I can't beleive the family enables him like that.

    As for the wedding, you can't dictate who FI chooses. It's rude, and basically you're saying that you don't care what he wants or thinks, which will only piss off your FI. You're stuck with the FBIL, though I get the feeling he will spend the wedding day crying over the fact that he's alone. If he does, ignore him. People will think he's a drama queen and a loser.
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    If you figure out how to not punch him in the face, let me know.  I'm going to say that it could be his maturity level or it could just be him, my current experiences are indicating that the latter can also be an issue.
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    Thanks girls. I do know that telling J who his attendants "have" to be would be the worst idea ever - I thinkI just needed someone else to tell me again.  I was a little hot under the collar last night.  Thanks for the virtual headslap, you ladies are amazing :)

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    Blackfire! Where ya been?

    Sweetpea, the guy sounds like an immature jerk-off, but you're right - you don't get to say he's not in the wedding (or punch him in the face, sadly). I think you can however send his e-mails straight to spam and ask your FI to respect the fact that you don't want to spend more time than necessary with his brother based on the horrible things he's said to you. I'd also get your FI to tell him that comments like "I hope my brother breaks it off with you" are NOT ok - he needs to stand up for you in the face of crap like that from anyone, including his family members.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-count-girls?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:df4db929-2d3e-4ca3-8c0d-3e142c95b332Post:597349b9-d295-48cc-8e74-1c979c5b95d7">Re: I know I can count on you girls...</a>:
    [QUOTE] the guy sounds like an immature jerk-off, but you're right - you don't get to say he's not in the wedding (or punch him in the face, sadly). I think you can however send his e-mails straight to spam and ask your FI to respect the fact that you don't want to spend more time than necessary with his brother based on the horrible things he's said to you. I'd also get your FI to tell him that comments like "I hope my brother breaks it off with you" are NOT ok - he needs to stand up for you in the face of crap like that from anyone, including his family members.
    Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

    This exactly! Sorry you have to deal with this. I just don't know why your Fi would want him standing up beside him knowing that his brother doesn't approve of the marriage.
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    J knows that he's being a little brat and has told him to shut his mouth before [this isn't the first time this has happened], but unfortunately that's just contributing to the problem.  J and FBIL were always very close, and this has caused quite a rift between them. I feel bad, because I know FBIL's problem is with me, but I am glad that J is standing up for us.

    I'm not quite sure why J wants him to still be an attendant either, but it's his choice and not mine and I do know that, though it bugs the hell out of me.  I think it's for some of the same reasons PPs mentioned; namely, he'll act out WORSE if he isn't in the wedding party.  Ah well, at least I know that I'm not the only one with crazy ILs and that I'm not blowing it out of proportion either.

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