He wants a BIG wedding party, I want small...who wins?!

mrabbito

My fiance and I are having a 'disagreement' on who/how many should be in our wedding party.  I had always pictured 4 girls, all family who are my close friends, this way girlfriends won't be offended and all the wedding party would know each other.  He, however, wants 7 guys (3 family and 2 weddings he has been in and 2 best friends).  I would like to have a small party to treat them well, be able to pay for most expenses and make it easier for them to orgainze and schedule events.  How can we come to a middle ground?  If we choose a number like 5, i would have 4 family members and 1 friend (how can you possibly pick just one friend!!).  Any suggestions on how I can get him to rethink his party, or how i can pick just 1 or 2 friends out of my 4 close ones??

stina93446

Sides can be uneven. Let him have 7 and you have your 4. Problem solved.

Whippet8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wants-big-wedding-party-want-smallwho-wins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e130d301-5c25-481a-bae3-2f207540a31fPost:dbe02c49-1393-4a32-80c4-770640d0cdac">Re: He wants a BIG wedding party, I want small...who wins?!</a>:
[QUOTE]Sides can be uneven. Let him have 7 and you have your 4. Problem solved.
Posted by stina93446[/QUOTE]

this exactly. you both win.

mysticl

What they said.

mrabbito

thanks for the advice, but i'm not a huge fan of uneven sides. any other options?

bablingbrooke

Why won't you even entertain the idea of uneven sides?  It's the only way you both get what you want.  It would solve your "problem."  If you are looking for people to tell you how to convince your FI to not include 3 of his friends, you came to the wrong place.

People are more important than numbers.  Many of us had uneven sides (myself included).  It's not exactly a radical idea.

banana468

My suggestion: Start being a fan of uneven sides.

MyWedding13

So there is no way you can ask your four friends also? We were having this issue and we ended up just putting everyone in and I am glad we did. I mean, I have 8 bridesmaids now, but everyone is so excited!

tldh

If you chose four, you would be making him choose just one of his friends.  Why do you think this would be easier for him that it would be for you?

I know everyone says to go with uneven sides and I tend to agree with it if it is not a glaring difference such as eight and six or four and three.  Seven and Four would just be too uneven for me.  I also agree with you about wanting a smaller bridal party.  We're only having a MOH and best man. 

I really don't have any suggestions for you other than you and FI will have to figure this out.  I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your opinion.

gottahavashorti

Uneven sides.

If it bothers you that much, have the wedding party sit in the first row during the ceremony like they do at a Catholic Mass.

trix1223

I was going to write a long response.  Then I got tired of that.  So here's my answer.  Let him choose who he wants.  He'll let you choose who you want.  You'll both get what you want.  Where's the downside, exactly?

suz62984

Uneven sides!!!!!!! It's very common and not a big deal.

But since you aren't a fan...rent models to stand on your side, put a craigslist add out for "bridesmaids", choose 3 friends, buy mannequins to stand on your side, etc.

You have no say in who, or how many people, he can have standing on his side...and vice versa.

EDIT: It bothers me that you "can't choose just one of my friends" but you expect him to do this while downsizing. That is really selfish on your part!!!!  Has he already asked his friends? If so, it will make him look terrible and end his friendships with the demoted guys. If they know it is because you want even sides they will hate you for it. Either way, it will start driving a wedge in their friendship, all because of your perfect symmetry.

mrabbito

ok....before you all continue to call me 'selfish' and unreasonable, let me elaborate a little bit.
I understand uneven sides is a good solution, however i agree with the comment that 4 and 7 is a substantial difference, 1 or 2 people would not be such a big deal.  and OF COURSE he hasn't asked anyone yet, this is an issue I want settled before we ask anyone and I would never make him change it after the fact. 

My #1 reason for wanting a smaller party is so we can treat them well.  With 4 or 5 girls/guys we can incurr a lot more of the costs so it's not overly expensive for them to be in the bridal party.  This is fairly important to me, i want to pitch in as much as we can and obviously the smaller the party the more we can 'spoil' them.
I am also considering scheduling and group dynamics.  I'm in a wedding party of 8 right now and finding a date for the shower/stagette/get togethers is a nightmare. 

As for  choosing friends, i think you can all understand that friends come in groups.  3 close girl friends from university, 2 close friends from work and so on, thats what i meant that it was hard to pick just one girl.  I feel like it's all or none with girlfriends. 

Overall the vibe i get is that he shouldn't budge on this one and i guess i will end up adding 3 and we'll have to then discuss how much we can contribute financially to each of the 14 people! 

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wants-big-wedding-party-want-smallwho-wins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e130d301-5c25-481a-bae3-2f207540a31fPost:92e08e9b-0396-48f9-b2d4-c29ddfa85cce">Re: He wants a BIG wedding party, I want small...who wins?!</a>:
[QUOTE]ok....before you all continue to call me 'selfish' and unreasonable, let me elaborate a little bit. I understand uneven sides is a good solution, however i agree with the comment that 4 and 7 is a substantial difference, 1 or 2 people would not be such a big deal.  and OF COURSE he hasn't asked anyone yet, this is an issue I want settled before we ask anyone and I would never make him change it after the fact.  My #1 reason for wanting a smaller party is so we can treat them well.  With 4 or 5 girls/guys we can incurr a lot more of the costs so it's not overly expensive for them to be in the bridal party.  This is fairly important to me, i want to pitch in as much as we can and obviously the smaller the party the more we can 'spoil' them. I am also considering scheduling and group dynamics.  I'm in a wedding party of 8 right now and finding a date for the shower/stagette/get togethers is a nightmare.  As for  choosing friends, i think you can all understand that friends come in groups.  3 close girl friends from university, 2 close friends from work and so on, thats what i meant that it was hard to pick just one girl.  I feel like it's all or none with girlfriends.  Overall the vibe i get is that he shouldn't budge on this one and i guess i will end up adding 3 and we'll have to then discuss how much we can contribute financially to each of the 14 people! 
Posted by mrabbito[/QUOTE]

<div>When you don't even entertain what the ladies have suggested I like to call that being closed minded or unreasonable (since you don't like to listen to reason). Trust me, I have actually been to 2 weddings where one the Bride had 8 BM and the Groom had 3 Groomsmen. The other the Bride had 2 BMs and the Groom had 7 GM. I seen both pictures and they look great, each photo was unique and fun with the WP so yeah, try to keep your mind open to the idea of being uneven. </div><div>
</div><div>The way you are thinking is misguided, you don't pick and choose out of group of friends just to fill spots, your spots should depend on how many close friends you want up there. If you are going to cave and make your sides even and pick and choose certain friends, I can see the friends you didn't choose have some hurt feelings. So hey, if you like to hurt your friend's feelings over some WP spots that needs to be filled so be it. You FI does not have to "budge" if he is adamant about wanting his friends as GM, definitely not your call to have him "cut" his friends to make an even WP. </div>

banana468

I don't know why you need to add 3 though.  Sure it's a big difference in size, but why does it matter?  You get to treat your ladies well with a smaller group of BPs.

gottahavashorti

Alternate BM and GM at the altar.

GM
BM
GM
BM
GM
Bride
Groom
Best Man
GM
BM
GM
BM
GM

Your sides are now magically not too uneven in appearance.

mysticl

The good news is that you do not have to decide the dates for showers and b-parties whoever (if anyone) decides to host those for you gets to pick the date.  So they get to see when everyone is available.  As for get togethers the only ones they have to go to are the rehearsal and wedding so they should know those dates with a fair amount of notice to be available. 

bablingbrooke

A difference of three people isn't huge.  It really isn't.  And it's not like people are going to judge you for it.  I think you're creating more trouble for yourself and your FI than you need to.  Think outside the box a little bit here.  No one's going to say, "Oh, mrabbito must not have any friends!"  Few of your guests will notice or care.  This is something the wedding industry gets girls believing is bad, and they're succeeding because here you are contemplating three more BMs, which means three more BM dresses, 3 more BM gifts, 3 more bouquets, etc.  Look at all the money they're convincing you that you need to spend.  And for what?  For one photo in the wedding album, maybe two?  That's all you will likely have of the whole WP together.  

suz62984

The last time you were a guest at a wedding, how many GMs to BMs were there? No answer? That's because no one pays attention to the BMs & GMs.

I understand you wanting to have a smaller wedding party to "spoil" them; however keep in mind that they are not required to buy shoes, accessories, pay for hair, pay for makeup, etc. The only thing they would need to purchase is a dress. They are not required to throw you a party or chip in at all. They can if they want but you wouldn't be helping them with this cost anyways. The only other big cost would be travel if needed. You can offer for people to stay with you or treat them to a few meals while in town to help their cost.

I understand that friends come in groups; however you should be picking BMs based on who is closest to you. Who would you call at 3am to come pick you up off the side of the road? If someone does get upset and confronts you just say, "I'm sorry that you feel hurt. We would love to have everyone we loved in the wedding party but unfortunately we cannot. We will be honored to have you attend as a guest." 

aerinpegadrak

I think you're making this harder than it needs to be.  Uneven sides are very common now.  We had 6 and 4, and the pictures looked just fine.  Any photographer worth their salt will be able to figure out how to create a balanced composition in each shot, regardless of where people are standing.

No one here is going to advise that you choose three random people to stand up with you (since having people in the wedding party to whom you're not close is a surefire recipe for drama), and neither will they advocate urging your FI to cut three of his close friends for such a shallow and arbitrary reason.  Sorry, not gonna happen.

mrabbito

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wants-big-wedding-party-want-smallwho-wins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e130d301-5c25-481a-bae3-2f207540a31fPost:be149ec4-4675-462e-97f8-b4657ac56c11">Re: He wants a BIG wedding party, I want small...who wins?!</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, so you won't be able to treat everyone the way you'd like because financially having 7 and 4 is too tough.  So the solution is to add three more?  How does the math work on that? As for the parties:  no one is required to attend them.  You don't plan them.  The host of the party plans it, and lets people know when it is.  If they can make it, they come.  If they can't, they don't.  It's a party invitation, not a subpoena. You're overthinking this.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

7 and 4 is too big of a discrepency for my liking (call that close minded or selfish, but i think most brides have some ideas or traditions they would like to maintain), and since i can't ask him to remove people i could add 3 more good friends.  If we do this, obviously we can't spend as much on them, and that's disappointing to me. but if that's the comprimise that has to be made so be it.  Traditionally, all the weddings/showers i've been to the bridal 'party' hosts the shower, not just one person and hope all the other BM's can make it.  BM's are not 'guests' at a shower, they are a important part of the shower.  i know this is common train of thought with my potential BM's as i have been in most of their wedding parties when they were married. 

i guess the only advice i'm hearing is to leave it at 7 and 4 but i was really hoping for some other reasonable options other then mannequins or craigslist friends. 

Belle2Be

Ok I'm with you OP on this, uneven sides would drive me crazy, I don't care how many other brides are ok with them, overall its not their wedding and you've been clear that its not an option in your mind.
Talk with your FI, see if maybe he can have three of them be something else, ushers, readers, maybe even have one get ordained so they can marry the 2 of you. Just because he was in someone elses wedding doesn't mean he has to have them in his, and regardless of uneven sides 7 is a lot of groomsmen!
You're both going to have to compromise in life and in your marriage, and now seems a good time to start. What if you compromise by adding one and he takes one away? That leaves you with 5 and 6, which can still be intimate enough that you can treat everyone well

bablingbrooke

I feel sorry for you that you are so married (no pun intended) to the idea of even sides that you'd shortchange your friends like that.  Your priorities are greatly misplaced and I hope you think about the advice you got here.  You will not look back at your wedding photos and count heads or kick yourself for having uneven sides (and believe me, you've got eyes only on your FI as you walk down the aisle), but I could see you saying, "Why did I ask those three?  That was silly of me."  

I urge you to reconsider and let go of symmetry.  Put substance over style here.  You're doing just the opposite.

mrabbito

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wants-big-wedding-party-want-smallwho-wins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e130d301-5c25-481a-bae3-2f207540a31fPost:1cc14afc-1606-4ea5-9f0e-3990ca4a7afc">Re: He wants a BIG wedding party, I want small...who wins?!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok I'm with you OP on this, uneven sides would drive me crazy, I don't care how many other brides are ok with them, overall its not their wedding and you've been clear that its not an option in your mind. Talk with your FI, see if maybe he can have three of them be something else, ushers, readers, maybe even have one get ordained so they can marry the 2 of you. Just because he was in someone elses wedding doesn't mean he has to have them in his, and regardless of uneven sides 7 is a lot of groomsmen! You're both going to have to compromise in life and in your marriage, and now seems a good time to start. What if you compromise by adding one and he takes one away? That leaves you with 5 and 6, which can still be intimate enough that you can treat everyone well :)
Posted by Belle2Be[/QUOTE]

thank you!!

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wants-big-wedding-party-want-smallwho-wins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e130d301-5c25-481a-bae3-2f207540a31fPost:1cc14afc-1606-4ea5-9f0e-3990ca4a7afc">Re: He wants a BIG wedding party, I want small...who wins?!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok I'm with you OP on this, uneven sides would drive me crazy, I don't care how many other brides are ok with them, overall its not their wedding and you've been clear that its not an option in your mind. Talk with your FI, see if maybe he can have three of them be something else, ushers, readers, maybe even have one get ordained so they can marry the 2 of you. Just because he was in someone elses wedding doesn't mean he has to have them in his, and regardless of uneven sides 7 is a lot of groomsmen! You're both going to have to compromise in life and in your marriage, and now seems a good time to start. What if you compromise by adding one and he takes one away? That leaves you with 5 and 6, which can still be intimate enough that you can treat everyone well :)
Posted by Belle2Be[/QUOTE]

That's a great idea Belle. Tell her that she needs to compromise with her husband by making him say "Sorry, dude, I know we're great friends, just as good as all my other GMs, but my wife got this advice on a wedding forum that I should cut you and call it 'compromise'. You could be an usher even though you already hang out with all the GMs and myself and you'd basically be the odd one out. Sorry..."

OP, it appals me that you think this is good advice. If you have such a problem with uneven sides then YOU fix it on YOUR side and give up the idea of spending hundreds of dollars on each person. They're not going to get mad at you if you can't pay for everything otherwise they're in the wrong.

You can't tell him who to pick. It's not a good way to start your marriage, making him choose between your "comprimises" and his friends. Don't do it.

bablingbrooke

OP, I would take Belle's advice with a grain of salt.  She has no compunction about telling people to do things like drop WP members or not write thank you notes, but by her own admission she would not take her own advice.  In other words, based on my understanding of her prior posts, she would probably not do the same thing if she were in your shoes.  

Just think about that before you make a real bridezilla move--the person who told you to do this does not follow her own advice.  I know that would weigh on my decision of whether to follow it.

bablingbrooke

Also, OP, do you really want your FI to write something like this about you in a year?  Because I fear that's your trajectory if you follow that advice you liked so much:

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_heart-prudie

Ksmithie

If you don't want to consider other people's opinions why did you post here? It seems like you are looking for someone to agree with you so you can go tell your fiance that you're right and he's wrong. Grow up it's his wedding too.

roma14

For what it's worth, I don't think that anyone you or your FI care about should be excluded from the WP for reasons such as even sides or expense.  I believe I was recently the "victim" of even sides when a good friend who was in my wedding didn't ask me to be in hers and it really hurt my feelings.  Your FI shouldn't cut people he cares about.  Likewise, I really don't think any true friend could care less if they get a less fancy bouquet or a simpler thank you gift because you and your FI decided you should have all of your closest friends/family standing next to you on your wedding day. 

Manwaithiel

Hear, hear, Roma!

bablingbrooke

Anyone have the link to the post from last week from the BM who was booted to keep the WP to an even 4 on each side?  Might make OP rethink her idea.

I also encourage OP to think about how she would feel if her FI told her she had to drop a BM, and how she would view the relationship after that.