Telling people they are not in the wedding....

x3Harmony534

Ok, be gentle ladies... it's my first post on here. If this topic has already been covered 19374556 times, I appologized. I tried searching key words, but couldn't find the answer I was looking for.

I have a number of very close girlfriends,but decided to limit my bridal party to just family (sister & cousin) & my two best friends. I am CERTAIN there are people who will be expecting to be asked, who won't be. (I have already had someone ask... which I thought was a bit gutsy, I told her the wedding was too far out & we hadn't set anything in stone yet, but that I would let her know.)

At any rate did any of you discuss the fact that you would not be asking certain people to be in your wedding with them. How can I do this tactfully (or should I not mention it at all?) My concern is that people will be EXPECTING it without having been asked, and I want to avoid waiting until the last minute for them to reailze, "Oh hey, I'm not invited afterall."

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_telling-people-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e3c5fc15-0d84-4126-b73b-924f993872e7Post:18ca3763-a3fb-4c4c-8106-1cd802034e72">Telling people they are not in the wedding....</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, be gentle ladies... it's my first post on here. If this topic has already been covered 19374556 times, I appologized. I tried searching key words, but couldn't find the answer I was looking for. I have a number of very close girlfriends,but decided to limit my bridal party to just family (sister & cousin) & my two best friends. I am CERTAIN there are people who will be expecting to be asked, who won't be. (I have already had someone ask... which I thought was a bit gutsy, I told her the wedding was too far out & we hadn't set anything in stone yet, but that I would let her know.) At any rate did any of you discuss the fact that you would not be asking certain people to be in your wedding with them. How can I do this tactfully (or should I not mention it at all?) My concern is that people will be EXPECTING it without having been asked, and I want to avoid waiting until the last minute for them to reailze, "Oh hey, I'm not invited afterall." Any suggestions would be appreciated. :)
Posted by x3Harmony534[/QUOTE]

The answer is that you don't tell them. It would be awful for you to sit down a friend and say "hi Sally, you're NOT a bm because of X, Y, and Z." If people ask, you can continue to say "it's too early." When the time comes, you can say that you're having a small wedding and arekeeping the bp to family. Being a guest is a huge honor as well. You can ask friends to do readings or be ushers if you want to include them without them nbiying a dress.

Your wedding is a year out from now, but you can still wait on asking until 6-7 months out if you like.

trix1223

You don't people what they're NOT going to be.  You ask those you're going to ask, and let those who are not selected figure it out.

If anyone IS crass enough to ask, you have the perfect answer:  "We've decided to have our WP be members of our family, but we're so looking forward to having you celebrate with us at the wedding."

But DON'T try to sit someone down and have a "Gee, you didn't make the team".  There's just no way that conversation goes well.

GL

bablingbrooke

No need to have a talk.  They'll figure it out when you don't ask them.  If they ask you (and that would be rude of them) just say that you decided to limit it to family and you can't wait to have them at the wedding as guests.  Then change the subject.

lalap69

Think about it from the flipside.  How would you feel if one of your friends sat you down and explained to you why she doesn't think of you as as close of a friend as she thinks you think you are?  It would feel pretty crappy, right?

This is the same thing.  No one wants to be sat down for this.  If people ask you, you can just say "We've asked our wedding party" or "Anne and Mary are going to be my bridesmaids" and let them figure it out from there.

x3Harmony534

Thanks, I figured as much... I didn't plan on sitting them down for a formal rejection, just to clarify. lol Although with that being said, I'm not sure HOW I planned to tactfully work that one into conversation. I guess sometimes it takes someone else (or a few other people...) telling you something you already know. I guess I'm just afraid of someone inviting themself in, and me not being able to say no (I'm the biggest push-over everrrr) It will work itself out though, I think it will be easier BECAUSE I am keeping it small. Hopefully no one will be super offended, but you never know.

Thank you all!

bablingbrooke

Even if they are a bit disappointed at first, they'll get over it.  At least they will if they're mature adults, which I'm sure they are.  People who hold long grudges over not being a part of someone's wedding aren't people I'd want to be friends with anyway. 

x3Harmony534

Yup, I hope so too Brooke. Unfortunately one or two of them are still a bit young & can be on the immature side (something I have come to accept about them, but also a reason I wouldn't want them in my wedding party) But they will get over it.

shoegal715

I agree with not saying anything. However, one of my good friends called me out on it. She called and said, "So, since I wasn't invited to the engagement party, can I assume I'm not a bridesmaid?" 

It was such an awkward conversation. I basically told her that I didn't ask her because she lives so far away and I didn't want to put pressure on her to come back for pre-wedding events. Although the real reason was I want a small wedding party, my fiance can't stand her, and she has a hard time keeping her opinions to herself at times. She also hates the institution of marriage and is very cynical at times. 

I also had another "friend" who had a complete meltdown when she discovered (through other friends) that she wasn't a bridemaid. She called me so upset and told me not to bother inviting her to the wedding.... GREAT!! Thanks for being understanding and rationale.... But seriously, I don't think most people would react this way. Or if they did, hopefully they would keep it to themselves a bit better.

Definitely don't say anything. Most people wouldn't call you on it. I know I would never say anything to a friend or family member, asking why I'm not a bridesmaid.

CTGirl30

shoegal, FYI - you don't have to give any details (distance, etc) - FWIW, if you truly want someone in your BP but they live far away, you can certainly still ask them to honor them - they will decide if they'll be able to travel back & forth for events. And also, they are not required to attend of the pre-wedding events (shower, bach party) if those events happen. What's required is that they be there on the wedding day itself so that shouldn't be a reason to prevent anyone from asking their close friends - who happen to not be so close in terms of where they live.

Probably the best way to approach that situation, when people ask, is to respond with something more vague along the lines of "We couldn't have asked everyone we cared about to be in the WP - otherwise we wouldn't have had any guests since everyone would be standing up with us! We love you and can't wait to celebrate with everyone on the wedding day, though. I hope you'll do us the honor of being there as our guest." Something along those lines...

shoegal715

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_telling-people-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e3c5fc15-0d84-4126-b73b-924f993872e7Post:7aca5217-f97d-4853-adfb-c812cd34078a">Re: Telling people they are not in the wedding....</a>:
[QUOTE]shoegal, FYI - you don't have to give any details (distance, etc) - FWIW, if you truly want someone in your BP but they live far away, you can certainly still ask them to honor them - they will decide if they'll be able to travel back & forth for events. And also, they are not required to attend of the pre-wedding events (shower, bach party) if those events happen. What's required is that they be there on the wedding day itself so that shouldn't be a reason to prevent anyone from asking their close friends - who happen to not be so close in terms of where they live. Probably the best way to approach that situation, when people ask, is to respond with something more vague along the lines of "We couldn't have asked everyone we cared about to be in the WP - otherwise we wouldn't have had any guests since everyone would be standing up with us! We love you and can't wait to celebrate with everyone on the wedding day, though. I hope you'll do us the honor of being there as our guest." Something along those lines...
Posted by CTGirl30[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree with you 100%, especially the part about how attendance is not required at pre-wedding events. My issue is though I didn't want to tell the friend the REAL reason for not including her, which was I didn't feel it was appropriate to have someone who is vocally against and critical of marriage, very opinionated and someone my fiance and other bridesmaids can't stand. There was no point for me to tell her these true reasons - it would have just caused unnecessary hurt feelings.</div><div>
</div><div>I like your approach, about telling friends we couldn't have everyone. Good to know if any other friend accosts me about the topic! LOL </div><div>
</div><div>Sorry for the mini-hihjack!

</div>

jessicarabbit501

I just had a friend FLIP OUT because she thought she was going to be in the wedding. Apparently she'd been asking around and seeing who had been asked and who hadn't and was accosting my bridal party and telling them that she should have been chosen over them.  So rude!  Of course, the one person she didn't talk to (and still hasn't spoken to about it) is me.  I've heard through the grapevine that she isn't attending the wedding on principle because she thinks I made the wrong choice about my bridesmaids.  She doesn't even have the decency to properly RSVP.  

Like PP have said, if someone's going to be petty about the whole thing, they probably wouldn't make for a very good wedding guest.  Beyond that, if they insist on being in the wedding and think that it defines your friendship, then maybe the friendship is worth rethinking too.  I certainly don't want anyone attending my wedding who thinks that the day is all about them and people who insist on being in the wedding or think they have a right to be in it are not thinking about the bride or the groom or the fact that two people are getting married, they're only thinking of themselves.  No one wants to deal with that stress on their wedding day.  

x3Harmony534

Oh gosh, hope I don't experience one of those major freak outs! I'm afraid if I did I'd just break down & invite them- instead of telling them to bug off & quit being rediculous. LOL

shoegal715

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_telling-people-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e3c5fc15-0d84-4126-b73b-924f993872e7Post:e0b76ce2-20da-4033-bd9c-04bf34cbf316">Re: Telling people they are not in the wedding....</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh gosh, hope I don't experience one of those major freak outs! I'm afraid if I did I'd just break down & invite them- instead of telling them to bug off & quit being rediculous. LOL
Posted by x3Harmony534[/QUOTE]

<div>No way, don't just include them. Remain calm, firm and don't give in. I've learned the hard way that your wedding is not the time to try to make unreasonable people happy at the expense of your sanity and own happiness.</div>

NAClark

I went through some major drama with this and I still don't know how I could have handled it better. I didn't include a friend because we were keeping the bridal party small and we hadn't been that close in years. I didn't think it was fair to keep her guessing - but rather than sit her down and tell her she is not a bridesmaid, I asked her to help with another part of the wedding, which pretty much communicated that she wasn't a bridesmaid. It didn't go over well but at least this allowed us to get it out and discuss it. Letting someone figure it out on their own might cause them to stew about it more and make things extra awkward. It's a really really tough situation and I hope your friends can understand that!

katanne9

Generally, I agree with PPs, but there are some exceptions to letting someone know you've asked your BMs:

Ex: I am a BM in a good friend's wedding 3 weeks before my wedding. She's having all our college friends in her BP, and I'm having a smaller BP and only having the 2 I live with now. Since I am her BM and 2 of our mutual good friends are in it, I just brought up to her that "FI and I had asked our wedding party and that we're keeping it small, and I wanted her to find out from me." IDK if it was the best decision or not, but she is the type that would have been upset if she found out from someone else. And again, I only told her because I was one of her BMs.

shoegal715

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_telling-people-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e3c5fc15-0d84-4126-b73b-924f993872e7Post:300149c4-50e1-4a66-a8dc-486674755e5f">Re: Telling people they are not in the wedding....</a>:
[QUOTE]I went through some major drama with this and I still don't know how I could have handled it better. I didn't include a friend because we were keeping the bridal party small and we hadn't been that close in years. I didn't think it was fair to keep her guessing - but rather than sit her down and tell her she is not a bridesmaid,<strong> I asked her to help with another part of the wedding, which pretty much communicated that she wasn't a bridesmaid. It didn't go over well </strong>but at least this allowed us to get it out and discuss it. Letting someone figure it out on their own might cause them to stew about it more and make things extra awkward. It's a really really tough situation and I hope your friends can understand that!
Posted by NAClark[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I would have been offended as well. It's a slap in the face - "you aren't good enough to be a bridesmaid, but I still want your help."</div><div>
</div><div>I believe that if someone is not in the wedding party, and you know it's a sensitive issue for them, DON'T give them other jobs.

</div>

whitneykaye87

I had the same issue.  FI and I both wanted to keep our wedding party small, so each of us asked our only sibling and oldest/best friend.

One of my college friends mentioned to me a few months ago 'I hear X is one of your bridesmaids' and asked if I was having any others, to which I responded we were keeping it really small but we were excited to have her at the wedding as a guest.

Another friend from college just assumed she would be in my bridal party.  We started talking once and she began with something like 'when do you want all of us bridesmaids to start looking at dresses?'  Awkward, yes, but I still just told her I was sorry for any confusion, but we are keeping the bridal party small.

In both cases, I waited for them to bring it up.  You don't need to initiate anything because they will get it eventually or ask you about it.  No sense in making a point to tell them they're not included.

GL!