FOG as GM??

SGerke12

My fiance wants to ask his dad to be one of his groomsmen. Although I adore his dad and understand they have a close relationship, I don't like the idea of it at all, for several reasons:
1) My fiance's parents are still together, why should his mother sit alone while his father stands up? They raised him together, and I think they would want to share this day/moment together, watching their son get married.
2) Everyone else in our wedding party, including us, will be between the ages of 20 and 29 (most under 25), and his father is 60.
3) His father already has a role in the wedding party, as FOG. Isn't that enough recognition for everything he has done for my fiance?

Typically I wouldn't mess with who my fiance wants as his groomsmen, but this is crossing a line for me. Am I being unresonable, or is there anything I can do?

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fog-gm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5829dd4-325e-47bd-8b6c-64d84f26625dPost:c75ff9b3-b37a-40b2-9262-5f33026760af">FOG as GM??</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance wants to ask his dad to be one of his groomsmen. Although I adore his dad and understand they have a close relationship, I don't like the idea of it at all, for several reasons: 1) My fiance's parents are still together, why should his mother sit alone while his father stands up? They raised him together, and I think they would want to share this day/moment together, watching their son get married. 2) Everyone else in our wedding party, including us, will be between the ages of 20 and 29 (most under 25), and his father is 60. 3) His father already has a role in the wedding party, as FOG. Isn't that enough recognition for everything he has done for my fiance? Typically I wouldn't mess with who my fiance wants as his groomsmen, but this is crossing a line for me. <strong>Am I being unresonable</strong>, or is there anything I can do?
Posted by SGerke12[/QUOTE]
Yup.  The only time you get a veto in your partner's WP is if the person in question tried to assault or seduce you.  Otherwise, not remotely your business.  And for the record, I think including his father in such a way is a lovely gesture, and it's also very common, even expected, in certain parts of the world.

jenn.daniel

It's very common in the south for the FOG to be the best man.  It doesn't matter how old he is.

bablingbrooke

You are being VERY unreasonable.

How on earth is this crossing a line?  None of this is any sort of red flag.  If he wants his dad up there with him, that's his right.  His mom will be fine sitting with whomever else sits with her.  It's so NOT your call to say that this is harmful to her.  So not your call.

Why do brides insist on putting form over substance?  When is that ever the right call?  Especially over something that is objectively very sweet and not at all 1) abnormal, or 2) wrong.  Your FI wants him up there.  You need to respect that.  Get over yourself.  Being the bride does not give you a right to dictate his side.

banana468

I think you're being really unreasonable.  The GM of your FI are people who are nearest and dearest to him.  If he wants to include his father in that, it's a wonderful way to show how close his father is.

1) His mother can be escorted into the ceremony by her husband and the mother can sit in a pew/row with other family member or by herself.  Ask what she'd prefer.

2) Age should have nothing to do with the WP.  You're not setting them up on dates with each other.  I'd just make sure that you have the FOG escort his wife from the ceremony.  That may mean BM paired with one GM as they exit but again, this is not a difficult thing.

3) Clearly the roll of FOG isn't enough for your FI.  And you need to understand that.  He's not asking for his mom to go on the honeymoon with you.  He's telling you who he wants in the wedding.  This really isn't  your call.

What I'd do - be really excited that your FI has such a close relationship with his dad.

And FWIW, I've attended weddings with fathers or older family members as GM.  it's just fine.

tldh

In Response to FOG as GM??:
[ 1) My fiance's parents are still together, why should his mother sit alone while his father stands up? They raised him together, and I think they would want to share this day/moment together, watching their son get married.

 This shouldn't be any concern of yours.  If FMIL wants to raise this issue, that is her business and her business alone.

2) Everyone else in our wedding party, including us, will be between the ages of 20 and 29 (most under 25), and his father is 60.
So?  This makes it sound like appearances matter more than people to you.

3) His father already has a role in the wedding party, as FOG. Isn't that enough recognition for everything he has done for my fiance?
It's actually common in some areas, mostly in the south but not confined to there, for the father to be a GM or BM.  A woman I work with has one son.  When he married his dad was his BM.

Typically I wouldn't mess with who my fiance wants as his groomsmen, but this is crossing a line for me. Am I being unresonable, or is there anything I can do?
Yes. You are being unreasonable.

muamanda18

I once went to a wedding where the MOB was a bridesmaid. It is completely a personal choice as to who you and your FI want to stand beside you. If he wants his father to be up there I don't understand what the problem is.

trix1223

I'm agreeing with other pps.  You are being completely and totally unreasonable here.

Let's take it a point at a time.

1) My fiance's parents are still together, why should his mother sit alone while his father stands up? They raised him together, and I think they would want to share this day/moment together, watching their son get married.

You don't get to decide what his parents want to do.  If your FI's mom and dad are okay with this decision, then it's none of your business.  FWIW:  I've been MOG.  Had my son wanted his dad in his WP, I would have proudly watched the ceremony and been incredibly proud to watch my two favorite men stand together.  I would have celebrated that relationship.  As it was, my DH did a reading in the ceremony.  Did it detract from the wedding "experience" for me?  Not a bit.  It enhanced it.

2) Everyone else in our wedding party, including us, will be between the ages of 20 and 29 (most under 25), and his father is 60.
So?  You're making a silly excuse and valuing appearances over relationships.  Our SIL had his college coach in his WP.  He was much older than the other members of the WP.  No one cared.  And our SIL was thrilled to have someone so important to him sharing his wedding to our DD.

3) His father already has a role in the wedding party, as FOG. Isn't that enough recognition for everything he has done for my fiance?
Clearly it's not enough for your FI.  Your FI wants him, it's not your decision, so butt out.

Typically I wouldn't mess with who my fiance wants as his groomsmen, but this is crossing a line for me.
How is it possibly crossing a line?  What line?

 Am I being unresonable, or is there anything I can do?
Yes, you're being completely unreasonable, and what you can do is let it go.

jagore08

IMO, you're being rude and disrespectful of your FIs feelings.  If he wants his dad to be a GM then that's his decision.  Age doesn't matter.  His mother doesn't need someone to sit with her during the ceremony and if she did there's, I'm assuming, going to be plenty of family there.  This is your FIs wedding too and he should get a say in who he'd like to have standing by his side.

Ask yourself this, is this the way you want to start out your marriage?

trix1223

Jagore is so smart.  How do you think the relationship with your FFIL will be if you try to forbid him to be part of the WP in his son's wedding?  I'm guessing it won't make for warm and fuzzy Thanksgiving dinners. 

kerrib11

You're being unreasonable.  Everyone on my side is between 12 and 27.  On my FI's side is 16 and 67.  It all depends on who is closest to you.  My FI's best man is his Grandpa and I love the choice.  Two of his GM's are his step dad and uncle

Beachy730

Ditto all the others.  You are being very unreasonable, and very controlling.  It is not your place to:
A. Choose or unchoose his side
B. Decide how his parents would prefer to sit at the ceremony
C. Decide what is "enough of an honor" for his father, or
D. Put an age restriction on your WP.

You need to get over this idea of what you think the WP should be, and embrace the fact that you are soon to marry someone with such a strong value and respect for his parents.

bdulli13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fog-gm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5829dd4-325e-47bd-8b6c-64d84f26625dPost:6d57560f-9cc3-4464-ab51-37a4cfadfd98">Re: FOG as GM??</a>:
[QUOTE]You are being VERY unreasonable. How on earth is this crossing a line?  None of this is any sort of red flag.  If he wants his dad up there with him, that's his right.  His mom will be fine sitting with whomever else sits with her.  It's so NOT your call to say that this is harmful to her.  So not your call. Why do brides insist on putting form over substance?  When is that ever the right call?  Especially over something that is objectively very sweet and not at all 1) abnormal, or 2) wrong.  Your FI wants him up there.  You need to respect that.  Get over yourself.  Being the bride does not give you a right to dictate his side.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]


this exactly.

Muffin'sMom

If the other responses did not convince you...here is one more.  You are wrong and being unreasonable.  Walk away from this...it is not your deal.  And while you are at it, find a way to change your attitude and be happy about it.

SGerke12

First off, thank you everyone for your specific and clear input. I did not anticipate such a response.
My apologies for coming across so terribly.

Some of you mentioned its very common in the south, which would explain some confusion. My fiance is from the south, but I'm from the north and had never heard of anything like this. ever.

in a last pitiful attempt to justify my original thoughts: a close friend, and some family also thought it was a very strange idea, and my dad said that if my brother made a request like that for his wedding, my dad would have felt honored, but turned it down, with similar reasons to my own.
I was also under the (apparently incorrect) impression that we picked the wedding party together, to make sure it fit together and that we both liked everyone in it. I am having his sister and female (2nd) best friend as my bridesmaids, instead of one my two best friends or sister-in-law.

thank you for offering a different perspective. In the future I will be more open to different ideas and more aware of potential cultural differences.
No further input is needed.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fog-gm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5829dd4-325e-47bd-8b6c-64d84f26625dPost:9cdb43e7-1f05-47e1-84b1-a56658843f44">Re: FOG as GM??</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, thank you everyone for your specific and clear input. I did not anticipate such a response. My apologies for coming across so terribly. Some of you mentioned its very common in the south, which would explain some confusion. My fiance is from the south, but I'm from the north and had never heard of anything like this. ever. in a last pitiful attempt to justify my original thoughts: a close friend, and some family also thought it was a very strange idea, and my dad said that if my brother made a request like that for his wedding, my dad would have felt honored, but turned it down, with similar reasons to my own. I was also under the (apparently incorrect) impression that we picked the wedding party together, to make sure it fit together and that we both liked everyone in it.<strong> I am having his sister and female (2nd) best friend as my bridesmaids, instead of one my two best friends or sister-in-law. </strong>thank you for offering a different perspective. In the future I will be more open to different ideas and more aware of potential cultural differences. <strong>No further input is needed</strong>.
Posted by SGerke12[/QUOTE]

I'm glad you took all of the information so well.  Many brides get angry when they don't get validation. 

Have you already asked your WP?  You should not be keeping your good friends or family members out of the WP to accoommodate his friends and family.  Also you should definitely not be discluding them in order to have even numbers, which is what I'm assuming.  He can have his sister and female BF stand on his side.  Mixed gender WP are very common now.  Or if you want them on your side you still ask your BF and SIL.  Sides do not have to be even.

And you'll learn real quick on here that people will continue to post when they want.  Thats how these message boards work. 

Licia&Wayne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fog-gm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5829dd4-325e-47bd-8b6c-64d84f26625dPost:9cdb43e7-1f05-47e1-84b1-a56658843f44">Re: FOG as GM??</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, thank you everyone for your specific and clear input. I did not anticipate such a response. My apologies for coming across so terribly. Some of you mentioned its very common in the south, which would explain some confusion. My fiance is from the south, but I'm from the north and had never heard of anything like this. ever. in a last pitiful attempt to justify my original thoughts: a close friend, and some family also thought it was a very strange idea, and my dad said that if my brother made a request like that for his wedding, my dad would have felt honored, but turned it down, with similar reasons to my own. I was also under the (apparently incorrect) impression that we picked the wedding party together, to make sure it fit together and that we both liked everyone in it. I am having his sister and female (2nd) best friend as my bridesmaids, <strong>instead of one my two best friends or sister-in-law</strong>. thank you for offering a different perspective. In the future I will be more open to different ideas and more aware of potential cultural differences. No further input is needed.
Posted by SGerke12[/QUOTE]

You can still have your two best friends and sister-in-law in your wedding party. It doesn't have to be even. The wedding party is not about aesthetics, but about those closest to you standing beside you as you get married. I would have your fiance's friend and sister stand on his side along with his father, because, chances are, that is who they are closest to. Then, I would pick the BM and/or MOH that I want.

I totally understand having people in your wedding party to keep the peace, but it shouldn't be at the expense of those whom you want there.

And I'm glad that you're relenting on the FOG thing. I think it makes a really special statement to have him there beside your fiance during the ceremony.

Edit: dnb beat me to it. I'm too slow tonight.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fog-gm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5829dd4-325e-47bd-8b6c-64d84f26625dPost:ee760ae4-bfce-409a-a026-a3a7977d1398">Re: FOG as GM??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FOG as GM?? : I'm glad you took all of the information so well.  Many brides get angry when they don't get validation.  Have you already asked your WP?  You should not be keeping your good friends or family members out of the WP to accoommodate his friends and family.  Also you should definitely not be discluding them in order to have even numbers, which is what I'm assuming.  He can have his sister and female BF stand on his side.  Mixed gender WP are very common now.  Or if you want them on your side you still ask your BF and SIL.  Sides do not have to be even. And you'll learn real quick on here that people will continue to post when they want.  Thats how these message boards work. 
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]
Ditto DN on both counts.  I'm a firm believer that attendants should stand up for the person with whom they share the closest relationship, not the most similar anatomy.  Both sides of our WP were co-ed, and uneven to boot.

And who cares what your family might think?  Are they somehow being hurt or inconvenienced by your FI's choice in attendants?  We definitely had a lot of people tell us that our wedding plans were "weird," but we had no complaints at the wedding or afterward.  As long as your plans aren't going to hamper your guests' enjoyment of the party, go nuts.  I promise you that no one will care if your WP doesn't look like the ones in magazines or movies that are staffed by paid actors/models.  Real life is rarely so tidy and stereotypical.

SGerke12

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fog-gm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5829dd4-325e-47bd-8b6c-64d84f26625dPost:ee760ae4-bfce-409a-a026-a3a7977d1398">Re: FOG as GM??</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you already asked your WP?  You should not be keeping your good friends or family members out of the WP to accoommodate his friends and family.  Also you should definitely not be discluding them in order to have even numbers, which is what I'm assuming.  He can have his sister and female BF stand on his side.  Mixed gender WP are very common now.  Or if you want them on your side you still ask your BF and SIL.  Sides do not have to be even. [/QUOTE]

No, we have not asked anyone yet. We just started talking about it yesterday.
Thanks for the suggestion, I understand many people do things however they want now (uneven sides, mixed gender, etc.). I personally really like the traditional look of even sides and women on one side with men on the other and my fiance is fine with that. And I am happy to have his sister and friend on my side, I think it shows the meshing of our lives together, rather than splitting "my friends and your friends," it gets more of an "our friends" feeling. Does that make sense? We are sill working out the details tho to see if we can fit my BFF and SIL somehow.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fog-gm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5829dd4-325e-47bd-8b6c-64d84f26625dPost:0017f3d4-bd02-4dcc-a174-3c3af13c79a8">Re: FOG as GM??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FOG as GM?? : No, we have not asked anyone yet. We just started talking about it yesterday. Thanks for the suggestion, I understand many people do things however they want now (uneven sides, mixed gender, etc.). I personally really like the traditional look of even sides and women on one side with men on the other and my fiance is fine with that. And I am happy to have his sister and friend on my side, I think it shows the meshing of our lives together, rather than splitting "my friends and your friends," it <strong>gets more of an "our friends" feeling. Does that make sense?</strong>We are sill working out the details tho to see if we can fit my BFF and SIL somehow.
Posted by SGerke12[/QUOTE]

So who are you having of your friends and family?  All you've said about the WP is the FOG, his sister, his male BF, and his female BF.  That doens't at all sound like an "our friends" feeling, it sounds like his friends and family.  I understand you wanting to make your FI happy, but you should not be leaving out your closest family and friends just to accommodate his.  And aesthetics should not take precedence over including your nearest and dearest.

trix1223

Your WP doesn't have to "fit together".  They are walking down an aisle for 20 seconds.  That's it.  They don't have to become friends.  They don't have to become a new social unit.  It's nice if they're cordial and friendly to each other, but please don't assume that friendships or relationships will develop from people being in your WP.

Our DIL had our DDs in her WP along with some of her childhood friends.  They all got along fine.  And they've never been in touch since the wedding.  Same with DD:  some college friends, some family.  Never spoken since.

And it extends to the rest of WP as well.   Women who were friends of the bride have literally NO contact post-wedding with the men who were in the groom's WP.

I think you're over-imagining that your WP will become buddies.  Chances are better than good that they won't.

bablingbrooke

You each should approach the WP as, "Who do I want standing next to me when I say my vows?"  Any other concern (symmetry, gender, etc.) is not to be considered.  Why?  Not only will you not notice it, you will probably regret leaving someone out based on these factors.

Consider for a moment that mixed-gender sides and asymmetry aren't that uncommon or non-traditional, but that you just have never noticed it when you've seen it.  Think about it: Were the sides even at the last three weddings you attended?  Same gender? What age range?  What colors did they wear?  I know I can't answer that question with 100% accuracy for the last three weddings I attended (and wasn't in), and I'm willing to bet you can't either.  It's not at all outside the realm of possibility that you never noticed what is, to guests, such a minor detail.

Keep in mind that the "look" of the WP is far less important than who is in it.  You would never keep a person out of the wedding due to skin color, so why do so over gender or numbers?  It's just as superficial and wrong.  You won't look back at your wedding photos in 10 years and lament uneven sides or someone with a penis standing next to you, but I'm willing to bet you will regret leaving out someone who should have been up there but for the look you were going for.  

AutumnFair

Last time I checked WP itself are not about the Bride and Groom together. It's about the people that support the Bride (individually) and people that support the Groom (individually). Just like how you parents are on one side and his parents are on the other side. If you already know the common trends of uneven sides and mix gender sides then you should know how great the weddings turned out for those people. Everyone was happy because they had the people they wanted on THEIR side and number nor gender was a factor. Seriously, 5, 10 , 15+ years down the road, I hope you don't regret not including someone just because you wanted a certain "look" for your WP. 

mbcdefg

Please realize that your guests really aren't going to care who your bridal party members are or what the lineup will look like.

They are there to see you get married, and then celebrate afterward. Not judge every little detail about your wedding.

Your wedding lasts for a few hours on one day of your life. It's over in the blink of an eye. Nobody will ever care as much about it as you do, and nobody will spend a ton of time beforehand or afterward thinking about every little aspect of it.

So PLEASE don't spend so much time thinking about what's traditional, proper, what people will think, etc., because it's a waste of time. Just worry about treating people nicely. Which means you and FI working together to have things that you both want, and it means not excluding loved ones or making them do things they don't want to do because "it won't look right."

Lisa50

My brother asked our father to be his best man.  What's the problem? 

My son will be my best man (he'll be 18).  I will be 50, my fiance and his best man will be 54 - 55.  I am honored my son accepted my request to be my best man, without a thought to generational differences. 

I've actually never heard of wedding party age bias.  Hmm ... there's a first time for everything, I guess.

MacFreitas7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fog-gm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5829dd4-325e-47bd-8b6c-64d84f26625dPost:c75ff9b3-b37a-40b2-9262-5f33026760af">FOG as GM??</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance wants to ask his dad to be one of his groomsmen. Although I adore his dad and understand they have a close relationship, I don't like the idea of it at all, for several reasons: 1) My fiance's parents are still together, why should his mother sit alone while his father stands up? <strong>Who says that they have to sit together in the first place? YOUR FH wants HIS father to stand next to him on the day that he get's married - that's such a sweet gesture and you already want to control what your FH does...</strong> They raised him together, and I think they would want to share this day/moment together, watching their son get married. <strong>They are sharing this day together, they are going to be there aren't they? Just because they're not sitting next together doesn't make it less special or important to them. Time to grow up.</strong> 2) Everyone else in our wedding party, including us, will be between the ages of 20 and 29 (most under 25), and his father is 60. <strong>I didn't realize that there were age requirements on BP members... damn, i mean one of MY girls is under the age of 21, should I kick her out just because she won't be able to drink with us on such a special occasion? Ugh, grow up OP</strong>!3) His father already has a role in the wedding party, as FOG. Isn't that enough recognition for everything he has done for my fiance? <strong>Wait, you don't want your future FIL to have anymore recognition than just being the FOG? you want all the spotlight on you, don't you? I wonder how many people at your ceremony are going to be focused on the pocketfold of your future FIL than on your stunning self? YOUR FI WANTS THIS!</strong> Typically I wouldn't mess with who my fiance wants as his groomsmen, but this is crossing a line for me. <strong>haha, this is comical... what LINE is your FH crossing? YOU don't get ANY say in who YOUR FI chooses for his GM... honestly, you don't get any say. YOU pick your GIRLS and FI picks his GUYS. I wish he chose that homeless man downtown at this rate...</strong>Am I being unresonable, or is there anything I can do? <strong>YES. and GROW UP.
</strong>Posted by SGerke12[/QUOTE]