Ladies, I assure you, I'm not asking you if it's okay to kick out one of my bridesmaid's (just wanted to lay that out there right at the start.) I'm aware that that would be rude and lacking even an ounce of decorum. My situation is a bit more involved, and I've tried to find a previous post with similar specifics and couldn't nail one down that compared closely enough for my liking. This will be long so all of the details are out there, and I welcome follow up questions as I am truly looking for some guidance here. My question is as follows:
My fiance and I were engaged three years ago, and planned a wedding for May of 2009. At the time I was very close with a friend from my teenage years (we'll call her Sissy). When my preferred MOH (we'll call her Sasha) was not available for the title (she was planning her own wedding at the time, and we both thought it would be best for our friendship if we did not take on the MOH role in one another's weddings which were planned to be one day apart) I asked Sissy if she would take the honor. Sissy accepted, and we began planning. Several months into the planning, and after making all of my deposits and purchasing my dress (but not hers), my fiance found out we were expecting our second child. (I have an older son from my first marriage. I guess that's important information, too. This is my second wedding, my fiancés first). We mulled over what to do about our wedding, and decided to postpone it until after our son was born. Throughout the pregnancy, we were plagued with unwanted advice, most prominently "you should just elope!" as though we had done something wrong, with Sissy being one of the loudest voices to back that statement. We considered eloping for quite some time, but decided that it wasn't the correct avenue for us. It is very important to our older child that he be involved in our wedding, and we refused to accept that we were expected to forsake a celebration with our friends and family simply because we were blessed with a child before the big day arrived. Sasha stepped in and backed my decision to plan again, and we are now back at the drawing board. We have thrown out all of our plans from the first wedding which was planned for 2009, since that was the wedding we had planned for our lives then.
It is at this point where I need to add more background on Sissy. Sissy was originally asked to be my son's guidemother (we don't subscribe to any particular religious institution, but chose guideparents to be named at his baby blessing). When he was born, I did not hear from her. She was dating someone new, and did not venture to come and see him until that someone new broke up with her three months later. We've grown apart quite a bit since I became pregnant and gave birth, and my now 8 month old son has only met her once. She also began living her life in a manner that was a little more dangerous than I find appropriate. Her stories tend to involve her latest one night stand or married man in her life. It's not my job to judge her, and I don't begrudge her finding her own brand of happiness, but she became the friend that had to come over after the kids were in bed, lest little ears hear of things well above their years. Given the role that she had been asked to take on in my youngest son's life, I discussed with her privately the expectation I had of her and that role, and explained that while I still treasured her friendship, I didn't feel as though I had made the right decision in asking her to take it on, as it had been made based upon our friendship rather than upon her relationship with my children. My fiance and I felt as though we had to have this difficult conversation with her, as it is not just a title of honor but a role she would have needed to fill in his life, one that she was not filling in a way which we found appropriate. Decorum be damned when my children are involved. She was incredibly gracious and understanding, and at the time I felt that it did not affect the current state of our friendship (a friendship which was waning long before she was asked to reconsider her role). That's the end of the backstory on Sissy.
When I began planning this new wedding, I asked Sasha if she would be my matron of honor, planning to have two honor attendants. However, as Sasha and I have begun planning, I have been reluctant to bring the subject of my wedding up with Sissy. The most prominent reason being that I would have to seek her out to even broach the subject. Since we do not live local to one another, I only see her perhaps twice a year. However, she has neither called nor emailed me in quite some time. As I mentioned previously, she did not call, write, or visit for three months after my son was born. For the three months following that, she would send me emails telling me the tales of her life, but never responded when I wrote back telling her of my own affairs. I had to seek her out to have the discussion reassessing her role in my son's life, and now once again do not hear from her. If she is upset about the conversation which we had regarding him, I'm willing to accept that, even though I hadn't heard from her for months prior to that. I'm okay with being called an "Indian Giver" or any other number of things for doing what I did in that situation. I needed to do what was best for my son at that time, and I will always stand by that decision. However, I am now left with an absentee friend who was intended to be an honor attendant and, quite frankly, I'm not sure I want her involvement anymore at this point. At a celebration of my monogamous love, do I want someone standing next to me who flaunts her role as a mistress? In addition, our friendship has changed shape and is on the decline, and as an adult I accept that some people are in your life forever whereas others fulfill their role and move on. My question, in essence (and after all this build up) is this:
I asked her to be my maid of honor for a wedding that did not happen. Is it assumed that she will fill that role in the wedding which I am planning now? She has made it clear that she thinks I should "just get it over with" and elope. She has expressed no interest in my life, my children, or my wedding in months. The last time she asked about my wedding plans, I was still pregnant, and she reaffirmed her belief that I should elope at that time. I feel like I asked her to fill a role in a wedding, and that wedding didn't happen. I am now planning a new wedding, several years later (the new date is set in 2011). What are my obligations here? I am not an "it's my day" sort of bride...I do not enjoy conventional or traditional weddings, and we view our wedding not as a "wedding" but rather as a large party at which we will get married. We have based our plans around the idea of celebrating the day with our closest family and friends, involving everyone in one manner or another. As such, I really do take issue with the idea that I have to involve an honor attendant asked to take on the role several years ago, who would not even make the guest list were I to sit down and write it today. Please tell me your thoughts...do I involve her in my wedding when she's barely involved in my life?