Bad bridesmaid, or needy bride?

itzMS

CN: I'm in several upcoming weddings and find I'm the only bridesmaid not catering to the brides' every need. Do I suck?

I am recently married and was an easy-going bride, thus expecting nothing of my bridesmaids short of the standard Knottie line of "show up on time, sober, in their bridesmaid dress". Trying to be extra-considerate, I also paid for all of my wedding party's hair, makeup, and BM dress. We had a great time and everyone looked beautiful.

Now, I find myself in the bridal party of several upcoming weddings. I haven't offered to host showers, tie ribbons on organza favor bags, address invitations, etc, and it seems like I'm the only BM not involved in these. But I certainly feel as if I am no Debbie Downer as I have attended/am attending the showers, purchased thoughtful gifts, bought my BM dress for each wedding, and am (only somewhat reluctantly) paying for my own professional hairstyle that is "suggested" (aka required) by the brides.

But, there's more! The brides want me to take days off of work to attend fittings, spa days, bridesmaid brunches, nail appointments, travel out of state for bachelorette parties, amongst other things that seem like nonsense to me.
 
I guess I'm begining to feel like I am the only bridesmaid in the world who doesn't have the time or energy to cater to my friends' every need on the lead-up to their respective wedding days. Thoughts?

s-aries8990

If someone was asking me to use up vacation time, pay for a specific hair style and spend extra money on luxuries, I would have to say "no" also.

You can do your best to attend if its not inconvenient (i mean it doesn't have to be the easiest thing, but it shouldn't involve having to majorly alter plans that will affect your finances) and try to participate in a few activities, but if you can't swing a weekend in Vegas, you can't do it

You don't suck, she may be bummed because she wants you there, but share in her excitement and ask for pictures or a souvenier or a cupcake from that awesome bakery they're having brunch at.

slgirl21

Your friend has to understand you have a job, if she is asking u to take off work thats not right, she needs to ask when you are avaliable for fittings, you dont have to be by her side 247, just make plans with her when you can attend, maybe taking a one weekend off to do something fun its not a whole lot to ask for, but you don't have to for every single event and if you are not able to go to the out of town bachelorette party then you can not go and just attend the bridal shower.

GoodLuckBear14

There is no way in hell I would be taking personal days or vacation days for anything wedding related unless it was my wedding - and even then my boss forced me to take off the three days before.

mbcdefg

It's bad enough if she's demanding your attendance at these events, but it's absolutely insane if she's expecting you to take time off work to do it. That has NO reflection on your performance as a bridesmaid.

And she's getting away with this bullcrap because her friends are too scared to refuse her requests, and because her parents didn't slap some sense into her when she first started acting like a spoiled brat.

Just say, "Sorry, can't make it," and don't make any further apologies or explanations than that. Again, she gets away with this crap because people allow her to, so take a stand. I am willing to bet that at least one other person will follow suit if you get the ball rolling with refusing her ridiculous requests.

She can either be an adult and deal with it appropriately, or she can be a baby and throw a tantrum (in which case you just shrug and say, "Well, sorry you feel that way, but I just cannot take time off work to get my nails done"). Not your problem either way.

If she boots you from her wedding, just consider yourself lucky that you don't have to put up with her garbage anymore. It doesn't sound like a very high-quality friendship if she bosses you around and expects you to risk your job just for a frigging nail appointment.

itzMS

I still feel almost...guilty...when I hear that all the other bridesmaids devoted entire weekends to planning showers and making DIY invitations for the bride.

Is this a common experience of others--brides feeling they should be catered to by their bridesmaids--or is it just a vortex that I'm getting sucked into?

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-bridesmaid-or-needy-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e8082eb9-4d91-4ada-a52d-fe49c536fb86Post:254b8029-177f-4d5a-ba5e-e8e76f610c54">Re: Bad bridesmaid, or needy bride?</a>:
[QUOTE]I still feel almost...guilty...when I hear that all the other bridesmaids devoted entire weekends to planning showers and making DIY invitations for the bride. Is this a common experience of others--brides feeling they should be catered to by their bridesmaids--or is it just a vortex that I'm getting sucked into?
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

I think you are through the looking glass here.  I don't know anyone who expected to be catered to on her wedding day much less the weeks leading up to it.  Don't feel guilty.  You have a life to lead which the Bride is not the center of.  If the other BMs are into revolving their lives around her, that's their choice.  It's not one that I would make but it is their choice (and I wonder how many of them are grumbling about this.)

kmmssg

Yes....fresh blood.  Excellent!