Issues with my Sister/MOH

NatusWedding

I am absolutely devistated. I week ago today my sister/MOH called me up screaming at me. She is mad at me for not having her husband walk me down the isle (our father died 5 years ago and I am not close with our brother), but I really wanted the person walking me down the isle to know both my fiance and I and love us both so I asked his father who has been a huge support of our relationship and someone we see almost every day.

She is also angry at me for not coming to visit her this year. I made a commitment to a volunteer position that keeps me very busy and spends a lot of my spare cash on top of trying to save for our wedding in October of 2013 (for 400, we both have very large families). I also told my sister before accepting this volunteer position that it would mean I wouldn't be able to come out there this year. (My sister moved 1800 miles away when she was 18 and I visit more then anyone else in our family.) The thing that pushed her over the edge is My fiance's parents our taking us on a vacation this fall as a gift. It isn't costing me a penny and they are my new employers so they are also giving me additional days off to take for the vacation that I wouldn't have if we weren't doing this.

She ended her yelling at me with saying that they weren't coming to my wedding. So now I have no MOH and no flower girl. My friends here keep telling me to give her time and she realize she is over reacting, but my sister turns 35 this year and has never apologized to me for anything and this is not the first time she has done something like this. It was easier for me to forgive her before, but now I feel like I have given in to her tantrums too many times and if she truely cares she owes me an apology for once.

I feel like she wants me to give up everything for her and for many years I have. I took my first vacation in eight years last year that didn't involve me flying out there to stay with them. I love my sister and nieces with all of my heart, but I think for the first time I need to put myself and my fiance first. We want to start our own family right after we get married.

Right now I am just playing the waiting game. I am waiting to offically ask my bridal party until October of this year and then I will want to start looking for Bridesmaid dresses. I already bought my dress and need the exact color we end up choosing for the Bridesmaid dresses to go further with certain details of my wedding. I know it seems like I have a lot of time but my OCD means I need things done early. We also are in 3 wedding before our own next summer so I won't have a lot of free time leading up to our day. Do I replace her in the bridal party if she hasn't bothered to contact me by then? OCD again means I need it to be even on both sides of the wedding party.

Am I wrong to want to put myself first once? Any advice would be greatly welcomed. Thank you all for listening. This has been very hard. I think part of the reason I am so upset is because I honestly thought we were past this kind of behavior in our relationship and really wanted to have my sister standing next to me. I haven't officially asked anyone yet so I wouldn't be replacing her in technical terms I would just never ask her in the first place.

GoodLuckBear14

Nope.  You are nowhere near the ballpark of being in the wrong here.  She is grossly overracting.  What is stopping her from visiting you?  DH and I both moved away from our families.  I can fly back to Cincinnati a few times a year to see mine and he'll go back to California about once a year to see his.  We each knew we'd need to budget for these things when we left and as much as we make a point to people that if they come see us they will pay for absolutely nothing except getting out here, we don't get bent out of shape that they have their own lives and might want to spend their vacation days somewhere else.

As for who walks you down the aisle, that is your choice.  Personally, I find it odd that you picked your FFIL and not a member of your own family like your mom or an uncle or just walking yourself.  Unless you are close to him, your BIL should not have had any expectation of walking you down the aisle.

kennazebrowsky

You are not wrong. It is your guy's wedding and not hers. She will have to understand that. I would reach out to her and tell her you really want her to be there but tell her that you have your reasons for who you chose to walk you down and she will have to respect them.

[Deleted User]

Sorry you are going through this.... I've also been getting the drama from my sister, who threatened to not come (her children are my ring bearer and flower girl).  I feel your pain. 

Luckily, you still have time to smooth things out..  my wedding is next month and she's pulling this crap!

Hopefully, after some time and talking, she will come around.  It seems like you try our best to keep your relationship going (visiting her and whatnot). 

Best of luck!

Ali092011

I think sister relationships can be really complicated. I am sorry you are dealing with this and I sincerely hope you two patch things up before the wedding. I would be absolutely devastated if my sister no longer wanted to be my MOH.

I bought my dress in August 2011 for my October 2012 wedding, so I don't think you're too early. As far as BM dresses, choose your wedding colors first and then have the BM dresses be in that color. It's too early to ask your WP and therefore too early to choose dresses. You can choose colors so you can start thinking about flowers, centerpieces, etc., if you choose to.

Also, if your sister has always been like this and you don't see your relationship improving or her apologizing, know that you are in no way obligated to ask her to be your MOH. Many brides on here have a friend as a MOH and sister as a BM, or don't include their sisters in their WP at all. If you haven't asked her yet, wait it out and know that you're not required to.

NatusWedding

Thank all of you so much! I am going to try to wait it out until End of October or Early November. That will put us under a year until the wedding. Hopefully my older sister will finally grow up and realize I will always love her and her family tons, but that I have to do certain things for my soon to be husband too.

You are all so wonderful and I really appreciate you reading my long story. Thank you.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_issues-with-my-sistermoh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e8485ca7-4dde-4728-98ee-643f9be06006Post:89fcb2bb-dd41-4106-bd4a-2ecd8741c208">Issues with my Sister/MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]I am absolutely devistated. I week ago today my sister/MOH called me up screaming at me. She is mad at me for not having her husband walk me down the isle (our father died 5 years ago and I am not close with our brother), but I really wanted the person walking me down the isle to know both my fiance and I and love us both so I asked his father who has been a huge support of our relationship and someone we see almost every day. She is also angry at me for not coming to visit her this year. I made a commitment to a volunteer position that keeps me very busy and spends a lot of my spare cash on top of trying to save for our wedding in October of 2013 (for 400, we both have very large families). I also told my sister before accepting this volunteer position that it would mean I wouldn't be able to come out there this year. (My sister moved 1800 miles away when she was 18 and I visit more then anyone else in our family.) The thing that pushed her over the edge is My fiance's parents our taking us on a vacation this fall as a gift. It isn't costing me a penny and they are my new employers so they are also giving me additional days off to take for the vacation that I wouldn't have if we weren't doing this. She ended her yelling at me with saying that they weren't coming to my wedding. So now I have no MOH and no flower girl. My friends here keep telling me to give her time and she realize she is over reacting, <strong>but my sister turns 35 this year and has never apologized to me for anything and this is not the first time she has done something like this.</strong> It was easier for me to forgive her before, but now I feel like I have given in to her tantrums too many times and if she truely cares she owes me an apology for once. I feel like she wants me to give up everything for her and for many years I have. I took my first vacation in eight years last year that didn't involve me flying out there to stay with them. I love my sister and nieces with all of my heart, but I think for the first time I need to put myself and my fiance first. We want to start our own family right after we get married. Right now I am just playing the waiting game. I am waiting to offically ask my bridal party until October of this year and then I will want to start looking for Bridesmaid dresses. I already bought my dress and need the exact color we end up choosing for the Bridesmaid dresses to go further with certain details of my wedding. I know it seems like I have a lot of time but my OCD means I need things done early. We also are in 3 wedding before our own next summer so I won't have a lot of free time leading up to our day. Do I replace her in the bridal party if she hasn't bothered to contact me by then? OCD again means I need it to be even on both sides of the wedding party. Am I wrong to want to put myself first once? Any advice would be greatly welcomed. Thank you all for listening. This has been very hard. I think part of the reason I am so upset is because I honestly thought we were past this kind of behavior in our relationship and really wanted to have my sister standing next to me. I haven't officially asked anyone yet so I wouldn't be replacing her in technical terms I would just never ask her in the first place.
Posted by NatusWedding[/QUOTE]

It's not wrong to want to put yourself first, but look at what I bolded. Hopefully she comes to her senses, but you can't expect people to change their personality just for your wedding.

Simply Fated

I agree with zitiqueen in that she's not going to change after 35 years just because it's your wedding. Wait it out. You have time. But don't expect miracles. You can either accept your sister's tantrums or distance yourself from her. You don't need a flower girl, at all. So I would skip that completely, JIC. Why was your sister upset you didn't choose her husband to walk you down the aisle? I mean, it seems like a weird thing to be upset about.