NWR: How long do we have to be "friends"?

bablingbrooke

DD'd so this wouldn't get back to him, but thanks1

mags0607

That's kind of a tough call, because this guy helped your husband get his job, and is now his co-worker. It could get dicey if you guys pull away from his friendship, and he gets angry about it.

I would casually try and decrease the number of times you guys spend time with him outside of work. I think for now, you might have to keep mingling with him, just cut down how much, and maybe he will get the hint on his own and hang out more with other friends.

bablingbrooke

And if he doesn't have any other friends...?

emilyinchile

Oh, this is a tough one. Does your DH socialize with him when you're in Boston, or is it more that you just get together when you're out there visiting? Because I feel like when you're there, it's a pretty legit excuse to say "sorry, Brooke's only here for a bit, and we have so much to do!" and sort of wean him off hanging out with you guys that way. I would probably just try to start being "busier" and hope that things die out.

SarahPLiz

I'd say until DH outranks him. That sucks, though.

bablingbrooke

He'll go out with him once in awhile but we'll actually get together with him I'd say every other time I visit So Cal (that's where he and DH work and where I'll be moving in a couple months). 

He and DH are the same rank, btw.  This guy just told the boss that DH would be a great fit for the job opening, but never had any say in the hiring.  If that helps.

We would never be rude to him, just not go out as often outside work.  Which is something we very rarely did at our old job where all 3 of us worked a few years ago.

emilyinchile

I would just start now then with "oh, we're so busy since Brooke's only here for a few days"...and then when you move it'll be "we're so busy with the move/getting the house set up/spending time with each other/etc". Hopefully that will buy you enough time to just kind of phase him out. I don't think you'll ever totally get rid of him without being rude, but you can minimize the times you see him and how long you see him each time (meet for an after work drink instead of dinner, stuff like that).

megk8oz

Oh, I hate people like this ... he sounds a lot like this guy DH "casually" knew that started referring to me as "the old ball and chain" when we got engaged.

Unfortunately, I can't give you any advice, because DH didn't "owe" this guy and pretty much just started avoiding him.

I would try to do what everybody else said and try to slowly "wean" him. I mean, yeah, you do owe him. But who knows, he sounds like somebody that women would eventually raise hell to HR over, so there's a chance he might just get fired or transferred or something? Maybe? Fingers crossed?

Yeah, like I said, I have no "real" advice. But I have tons of sympathy for you.

[Deleted User]

You do owe him for helping get your DH a job, but by now surely you've shown your appreciation. You've gone out with him more than once and that should be enough.

You could always try our approach. When people ask us out and we don't want to do, we say one of two things. 1, we don't have the money. It's true, we are very tight on cash and are doing our ebst to just afford bills, let alone save up for a house. People seem to understand and are fine with this reason. 2, we want quality time together. With our schedules, we barely get quality time so again this isn't a lie either.

2 works in your case as well since (if I read it right) you visit DH until you can move there. Who wants to waste time going out with friends when you need your alone time with your spouse?

Other than that, like PP said just wean him off. Eventually he'll get the point, and if your DH is a good worker then it won't matter if the guy gets mad. And by the way, he sounds like a real creep. If he hugged me for too long I'd be the first telling him to get the hell away from me.

bablingbrooke

I think we'll do the slow phase-out.  For now we only really have to hang out with him when I'm going to be out there for longer than a couple days (like Christmas break and spring break).  Anything shorter and we can get away with not hanging out because he understands we only have a couple of days together, though he'll usually suggest doing something.  But when I move out there in a couple months it will be harder to avoid it.  But we'll have a few legitimate excuses--moving to a bigger place, me starting a new job out there, then doing my last year of school.  I'm going to miss law school for all the excuses it provides when we don't want to see someone!