A bridesmaid drop out...

SDavenport04

So, I've got one for you guys. Just yesterday, I received a letter in the mail from a bridesmaid stating to me that she couldn't and wouldn't be in my wedding. Due to some reasons like: Because I didn't use her parents as my hairstylists for my wedding party (so I hurt her parents feelings too), there's a whole bunch of other crappy excuses that I won't go into. But my two favorite reasons was 1: One of her co-workers was upset with me because I didn't invite them to the wedding and decided to twist a whole bunch of things I said 3 MONTHS ago. And 2: Her Grandmother's 85th birthday is on the wedding date. Hmmm... I asked her to be in the wedding back in June. Did she just remember that she had a grandmother? And why didn't she say something a long time ago!? !

I'm better about it now, but I was totally a mess last night. Everything happens for a reason, and I guess I didn't want to look at my wedding pictures 10 years from now and be like, "Why in the world did I have her in my wedding!"

I can't wait for my big day and NO ONE will try and ruin it.

mbcdefg

The hairstylist excuse is pretty lame (assuming you didn't tell her parents they could be your hairstylists and then changed your mind).

The coworker thing just sounds nuts.

The grandmother's birthday ... well, maybe she just forgot and now her family is giving her crap for forgetting. (My grandmother is going on 90 and somehow I always forget exactly what day her birthday is.) Or maybe the family JUST planned a party and now your BM is expected to go.

Anyway, if you want to salvage the friendship, I'd give it a few days to cool off and then call/visit her (don't e-mail, text or write a letter) and see if you can talk this out. If not, then don't send her a wedding invitation and don't talk to her ever again.

Don't replace her, no mater what.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drop-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e9c54b0b-56ef-415b-95d7-f367c52835efPost:9218c52f-6608-4c30-aa11-6600ac36d59b">A bridesmaid drop out...</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I've got one for you guys. Just yesterday, I received a letter in the mail from a bridesmaid stating to me that she couldn't and wouldn't be in my wedding. Due to some reasons like: Because I didn't use her parents as my hairstylists for my wedding party (so I hurt her parents feelings too), there's a whole bunch of other crappy excuses that I won't go into. But my two favorite reasons was 1: One of her co-workers was upset with me because I didn't invite them to the wedding and decided to twist a whole bunch of things I said 3 MONTHS ago. And 2: Her Grandmother's 85th birthday is on the wedding date. Hmmm... I asked her to be in the wedding back in June. Did she just remember that she had a grandmother? And why didn't she say something a long time ago!? ! I'm better about it now, but I was totally a mess last night. Everything happens for a reason, and I guess I didn't want to look at my wedding pictures 10 years from now and be like, "Why in the world did I have her in my wedding!" I can't wait for my big day and NO ONE will try and ruin it.
Posted by SDavenport04[/QUOTE]

Good Riddance.  I'm sorry this happened to you.  Is she like this a lot?  Did you think she would actually try to ruin your wedding day?

SDavenport04

First, no... I didn't ask her parents to do my hair or my BM's hair. She took it upon herself to find out how much it would cost because she didn't want to pay for her hair to be done.  And you know, I can actually understand that. But don't turn around and try to make me feel bad. I can actually guess she probably told her parents that everyone's hair was going to be done at their salon. Oh well... As for the Grandmother thing... it is what it is... However, it's her mother's mother and shouldn't she know her birthday? And another thing... the BM's parents were attending as well and now they're not because of this supposed birthday party?? Whatever...

Good Riddance.  I'm sorry this happened to you.  Is she like this a lot?  Did you think she would actually try to ruin your wedding day?

I have to agree with the good riddance part. She was flaky from the get go and even though this sucks and it happened one month before the wedding, I'm glad. When planning the bachelorette party she was non-existant with her communication and YES, I tried calling, Facebooking and that so called co-worker bullcrap, that was me trying to get a hold of her because I was worried. I asked the co-worker (who I used to work with too before moving) if everything was okay, was she having problems with her boyfriend... etc. She calls me 4 days before the bachelorette party in tears saying she couldn't be in the wedding because she didn't have the money for the dress. So, because I wanted her in the whole affair, PAID FOR HER DRESS, PAID FOR HER DINNER AT THE BACHELORETTE PARTY and even offered to PAY FOR HER HOTEL STAY AFTER THE PARTY. Yet, I'm a horrible friend yadda, yadda, yadda... Rolls eyes...

It is what it is.

DNAtime

I think you are just going to have to let it go.  I would stew over if for a bit and then take a deep breath and let it all go.  It sounds like that is your plan.
It also sounds to me like she was looking for excuses to drop out of your wedding. The grandma thing: I don't know my grandmas birthday, I know it is in September but that is about it.  And her family could just have planned a party for her.  There are a lot of valid reasons that this issue could have materialized during this time. But the adding on of other excuses smacks of just using excuses to bail on the wedding.
Ditto, please don't replace her. And just be positive. 
I wonder.... how do you feel abou this affecting your friendship.  Do you want to work it out? Or maybe its too early to tell.  I just encourage you to think about the future of your friendship and act accordingly.

marinabreeze

I pretty much agree with DNAtime.  The grandmother thing I could kind of see because not everyone knows their grandmothers' birthdays.  All of my grandparents are now deceased, but when they were alive I had no clue when their birthdays were.  Maybe since it was a milestone birthday, her family was planning something big and they were guilting her into coming.  However, the other excuses seem to be just that, and stuff to justify her dropping out (which she apparently wanted to do anyway). 

So I think to a degree, you're justified in feeling the way you do about her dropping out.  At the same time, on some level I find it a little disturbing.  Why did you choose her in the first place?  If she was a flaky person, your wedding wouldn't change that.  Besides, you shouldn't be planning your bachelorette party anyhow...others choose to plan that for you in your honor, and it's not a given that brides have one.  You guys had to have been friends on some level for you to have chosen her in the first place, and it's kind of sad that one day may change all that. 

So maybe after the dust settles and tempers cool, it may be good to at least examine if this is a friendship worth saving (taking the wedding itself out of the equation).  If it is, then work on the friendship (minus the wedding), if it's not, that's fine too.  Don't replace her in the WP, though, because if nothing else, it communicates to the replacement that she is an also-ran (whether she says this to you or not), and to your other BMs that they are easily replaceable.  Not a good look.

MairePoppy

Your friend sounds like brat. You should just email her back that you are sorry that she feels that way. And thank her for letting you know ahead of time. Plain and simple. Don't add any emotion to it.
And I'm glad you're not letting it ruin your day : ) Good luck.

SDavenport04

Wow... great responses and I appreciate them all. Like I said, there are a little more to the details, and I wasn't sure if there were needed, but like any good story they were.

I chose this person because she had been a really good friend. She was excited for me when I announced my engagement the first of June '10, got excited when I asked her to be a BM (also in June '10) and even MORE excited about the bachelorette party (dated for Oct. 2, 2010) and wanted to start planning with the other BM's for the best party ever. I knew NONE of the details of the party. The only thing I requested was dinner. She was the one who went with me to look at dresses. So from the beginning she knew what the price of the dress was at $129.99. Mind you the wedding is in January 2011. Let me reinterate she calls 4 days before the bachelorette party in tears that she couldn't afford the dress. So, thinking she was a good friend paid for her dress because I wanted her to be apart of that special day.

As for the hair deal, I'm paying $25 of their cost which the only thing they're going to have to worry about is the tip. I'm not demanding their hair be professionally done, however I'm asking for a certain style that I know none of them can do. And I don't know how many BM's want to worry about doing their own hair. Plus, we're going to be on an extremely tight schedule that day, and I didn't want anyone worried about how their hair is going to look.

As why I chose her in the first place... she was a fantastic person, but then all of the sudden changed (a little after the engagement) into this flaky person. I live two hours away now, and I can't tell you how many times I've reached out to her, called her, facebooked her... Last time I checked it takes two to make a relationship.

As for the relationship... really I'm just going to cut my losses. Plus, I have to agree with the "Something else must be going on" statement... Did I mention that she just got engaged last month, and I had to find out about it on Facebook? Yeah, I'm doing myself a favor and forgetting about the whole "friendship".

joiner521

She wishes that she were the one getting married. I take it she is envious.

MairePoppy

SDavenport, you sound pretty reasonable, except for the fact that you are asking the bms to get the same hairstyle. Couldn't you reconsider that? Your other bms would probably appreciate that.

SDavenport04

I talked to all of the bridesmaids before making any decisions about hairstyles and they were all on board. (Even the drop out) I made sure that I wasn't being demanding or unreasonable and they were excited about not having to worry about their hair. I think I've covered all my bases when it came to this. Now that there are only 4 of them now... I will end up paying for it all... if anything, the drop out helped the other BM's.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drop-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e9c54b0b-56ef-415b-95d7-f367c52835efPost:b4620ef6-8b33-471b-9343-319128ec5526">Re: A bridesmaid drop out...</a>:
[QUOTE]She wishes that she were the one getting married. I take it she is envious.
Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]

How do you figure that?

SSaltzman87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drop-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e9c54b0b-56ef-415b-95d7-f367c52835efPost:072a609d-0f14-4680-b47f-85068b06f451">Re: A bridesmaid drop out...</a>:
[QUOTE]I talked to all of the bridesmaids before making any decisions about hairstyles and they were all on board. (Even the drop out) I made sure that I wasn't being demanding or unreasonable and they were excited about not having to worry about their hair. I think I've covered all my bases when it came to this. Now that there are only 4 of them now... I will end up paying for it all... if anything, the drop out helped the other BM's.
Posted by SDavenport04[/QUOTE]

I guess that's a good way to look at it. Although, I think there's more behind why your friend took herself out. I'd want to know why before proceeding with anything else- along with letting your BMs know that you'll be covering more of their stuff.