Etiquette?

frogurt814

What (if anything) did you do/are thinking about doing at your wedding that goes against proper etiquette?

I really don't mean to start a bash on each other thread, it was just something I was thinking about.

On the inner envelopes for my invites, I did not address them formally.  I did address the outsides formally - Mr. & Mrs. Bob Jones, but on the inside I would just write Bob and Sue.

We provided beer and wine for our guests, but did not pay for the other liquor.  We only served beer and wine at the upstairs bar, but there was a bar downstairs (our reception was only upstairs) and that bar was serving everything.  So in a sense, we were only providing our guests with what we paid for, but if they wanted to get a drink from downstairs, there really wasn't anything we could do about it.  We couldn't make the bar close to its regular customers.

lalap69

We're not doing inner envelopes at all! lol

I don't know if this is a breach of etiquette, but I've seen the attitude expressed on these boards several times that kids are an all or nothing deal.  Yeah, we're not treating them that way.  We're treating kids as any other guest - we're just inviting the ones we're close to.  We're also inviting the kids of guests who would be traveling from out of province to come to the wedding, since we don't think it's fair to ask people to travel AND arrange childcare.

Belle2Be

We're not having inner envelopes, or an open bar. But it is a relaxed wedding and a brunch, so I'm not sure if thats bad etiquette or not.

mbcdefg

We had about a 2.5-hour gap between the end of the ceremony and the beginning of the reception.

I felt really bad about it, but that was the latest time we could get at our church (the church was non-negotiable for me), and there were no earlier times for the reception hall. The hall was about a 30-40 minute drive away, which I also felt bad about, but everything closer to our church was either way too expensive or was just a very poor quality place.

Many people lived nearby so they went back home to rest and change into nicer clothes, and the people who booked a hotel room could go to their room and rest a while. The hall also said they'd welcome people inside for seats and champagne as early as 45 minutes prior to the cocktail hour's start time, so combined with the driving time to the ceremony I doubt anyone really had to sit around and wait for very long.

megk8oz

You know, to this day, I still have no freaking clue what purpose these "inner envelopes" everybody speaks of serve. We bought a kit from Michaels, it had invitation envelopes and RSVP card envelopes, and that was it. Invitations were addressed formally, and we printed our address and pre-stamped the ones for the RSVP. Every wedding invite I've ever received has been the same way ... I keep hearing about what to do or not do with these magic inner envelopes and I really have no clue what the hell they are.

lharri12

We're having a small destination wedding (with about 20 guests) and an at-home reception with about 150 guests.  Go ahead, slap me on the wrist.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_etiquette-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eb3e22ec-fad7-497e-bb7e-3da2956088b9Post:1184e480-826d-4d80-a88d-ceaeddcbfd44">Re: Etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]You know, to this day, I still have no freaking clue what purpose these "inner envelopes" everybody speaks of serve. We bought a kit from Michaels, it had invitation envelopes and RSVP card envelopes, and that was it. Invitations were addressed formally, and we printed our address and pre-stamped the ones for the RSVP. Every wedding invite I've ever received has been the same way ... I keep hearing about what to do or not do with these magic inner envelopes and I really have no clue what the hell they are.
Posted by megk8oz[/QUOTE]

<div>I read once that the came to being back when the mail was carried on a horse and carriage, so the outer envelope would be all crappy, and the inner would still look nice. That's probably BS, though.</div><div>
</div><div>If you see them, they literally have two envelopes.  The outside will be addressed, and the inner will say Bob and Sue.</div><div>
</div><div>I also think it is a colossal waste of paper, but I did pocketfolds, so I can't really talk. </div>

Licia&Wayne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_etiquette-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:eb3e22ec-fad7-497e-bb7e-3da2956088b9Post:bef2c072-a8c1-47a3-9d21-45a7c1207714">Re: Etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette? :<strong> I read once that the came to being back when the mail was carried on a horse and carriage, so the outer envelope would be all crappy, and the inner would still look nice.</strong> That's probably BS, though. If you see them, they literally have two envelopes.  The outside will be addressed, and the inner will say Bob and Sue. I also think it is a colossal waste of paper, but I did pocketfolds, so I can't really talk. 
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

I've heard this, too. When the envelope was delivered, whoever was delivering it would pull off the outer envelope and hand the person the pristine one.

Maybe if two people have heard it, it's only 99% BS?

emilyinchile

Oh yeah, and of course we did a second reception in the US with people who we hadn't invited to the actual wedding. I kind of forgot about that one - I was just thinking for the wedding itself I know I can't 100% know if people were offended by that or not, but I don't *think* anyone really was - a cousin did something similar, and I heard no one in the family say anything bad, so I think they were ok with it, and I just really don't think my friends minded not being asked to spend $1k+ to fly to Chile but still getting to celebrate with us.

Manwaithiel

We're going to have a small gap. I'm trying to minimize it as much as possible.

We're making our own invitations. I remember stuffing envelopes for my graduation announcements...and I'm never, EVER doing that again.

We'll probably put the wedding website on our facebooks somewhere. Haven't decided yet.

*sidenote*The bar is open because my dad is Italian and anything less is an insult to that family =P.

Ummm, we have 4 registries. BBB, C & B, and Williams-Sonoma for housewares. Then there is the Sears registry. It has literally 4 things on it and they're all tools (for me!!!). Honestly, FI is more excited about the All-Clad on our registry then the Dremel tool I put on the Sears one. I'll teach him eventually *shakes head*

filaw

We printed our envelopes in a nice font.  I didn't see any problem with it since I'd received many a wedding invitation with printed addresses.

I don't know what the knottie opinion of +1's are.  We followed the "6 month rule".  Anybody that had been seeing each other for 6 months or more got invited together by name.  No one got just an "and guest".

My mother *insisted* on continuing to invite people right up until literally *days* before.  She claimed that they "understood" and would rather be there than not.  I'm not proud of it, but they were *total* strangers to me, and really, at that point, that was the least of our battles with her.  That was pretty cringe worthy, though.

roma14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_etiquette-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eb3e22ec-fad7-497e-bb7e-3da2956088b9Post:517d802d-8da1-4630-85fe-8b2239de6ba2">Re: Etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]We have a gap. It's such a dirty word. It's only an hour, but I feel terrible about it. We managed to reserve the church hall for some light appetizers (cheese, crackers, fruit, veggies) and beverages (water, tea, lemonade, fruit punch) so people who aren't from the area have somewhere to go before the reception.  But I admit, my gap makes me stare whimsically off into the distance and think: If only our parish married people an hour later, we wouldn't have a gap at all. Le sigh.
Posted by Licia&Wayne[/QUOTE]

A gap being poor etiqutte is an interesting concept to me.  I'm from St. Louis where  a majority of the population is Catholic, and in our diocese 99% of churchs won't let you get married on a Saturday after 2:30, which means that gaps are completely necessary if you want to have a dinner and evening reception and can't afford a 7 hour long reception.I guess our city must be unusual for gaps to be so severely frowned upon on theknot? Even for the marriages I've attended that aren't Catholic, almost every single one of them had a several hour long gap.

kathrynhabibti

We're only going to host beer, wine, and cider, which should be okay for all of our guests, but if they would like a cocktail they will have to buy it.

We're also doing a second reception - just a big dinner out, actually - in the US for my family. I invited all of them in case someone won the lottery, but only my parents and possibly my mom's sister are going to be able to make it over for the wedding.

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette? : *gasp!!** Just kidding =P. We just have one signature cocktail available. Otherwise, there is beer and wine. And soft drinks.
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]
Aw, clutching your pearls there Kate? :^P

Yes, soft drinks, of course! Forgot to mention those. We might do a signature cocktail, haven't decided on that.

Licia&Wayne

Roma, TK lies and says I'm from St. Louis. I'm not, but I think that's the closest they can get to where I live.

Anyway, I think gaps tend to be common for Catholic weddings because churches do tend to marry people early in the day. One of my aunts was married at 7am. Yikes stripes, I would be asleep on the kneeler in my teddy bear PJ pants.

I wish there was a way around it, but there really isn't. Our parish marries people at 2pm and no other time. So, we've done our best to make sure everyone has somewhere to go during the hour between the end of Mass and the beginning of the reception. I feel bad, but if that's the worst etiquette faux pas I've committed, I think I've done pretty well.

aerinpegadrak

I really feel awful admitting this and probably deserve to get flamed, but we haven't done thank yous yet.  *dodges the rocks*  In my very meager defense, we weren't really brought up to do them, and I always despised doing them as a kid the few times my mom made me do a written one (usually an acknowlegment phone call sufficed) because I couldn't make them sound natural.  I am a writer by trade, but my thank yous always end up sounding like they were run through Babel Fish two or three times.  The concept of certain communication needing to be handwritten is kind of strange to me; we didn't really even do letters growing up.  I need to just bite the bullet and do it...

In less heinous oversights, we printed straight onto the envelopes, and ditched inner envelopes.  I went with "Mrs. Jane Smith and Mr. John Smith" for everyone except a couple of very traditional guests, because I didn't like leaving off the woman's name.  We also had an AHR, but that ended up being about a dozen people sitting around chatting at the beach.  Highly informal, and barely wedding related.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_etiquette-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eb3e22ec-fad7-497e-bb7e-3da2956088b9Post:b47a6008-d9c1-4750-b877-5d3c22671df2">Re: Etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]Aw, clutching your pearls there Kate? :^P Yes, soft drinks, of course! Forgot to mention those. We might do a signature cocktail, haven't decided on that.
Posted by kathrynhabibti[/QUOTE]

*clutches*

Signature cocktails are cool, just because then you can really limit the alcohol expenditure and no one can say there wasn't liquor. I just told my caterer to come up with something yummy.

lalap69

I should add that we're also planning on either printing right on the envelopes or doing labels.  I'm also not going to address them "properly" because I find Mr. and Mrs. John Smith offensive.  I want the woman's name on there too.  In fact, when my mom was sending out the invites for our engagement party, I begged her to just do Mr. and Mrs. Smith instead because it bothered me so much.  (I'm pretty sure asking her to do that wasn't proper etiquette either.)

megk8oz

I keep forgetting ... but we had a B list.

In my defense, it's acceptable in my social circle (Note: I'm not saying anything about my region or even my town, I am strictly saying "my social circle") ... and we only did it with people that are a part of that circle ... so it's not like we B listed one of DH's cousins that would have been offended or something, it was mostly friends of my parents, and they've all done the same thing with their kids' weddings, so it really was not the travesty most people expect it to be. That being said, I never tell anybody else it's ok to do one.

And Aerin, you can take comfort in the fact that my Thank You's took forever to go out ...not proud of it, but I'm like you, I always feel like I don't actually sound like myself whenever I have to do them.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_etiquette-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eb3e22ec-fad7-497e-bb7e-3da2956088b9Post:29540e83-bafd-401d-909a-e74d44431de3">Re: Etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette? : I really don't see any problem with that.  I had a friend who got married in DC, and has family and friends living in California and India and Seattle, so they took the wedding "on tour" as they put it and had mini receptions with everyone in those areas.  All of us were invited to the DC wedding too, but I for one definitely enjoyed the wedding coming to me. I also have a co-worker who lives in the US, who's wife is from Romania and he's from India.  They had an "American" wedding here, a traditional Indian wedding in India and traditional Romanian in Romania.  I thought it sounded nice.
Posted by filaw[/QUOTE]

It's not ok because we didn't invite everyone to the ceremony like your friends did, we just invited them to a party a) to celebrate us where b) people felt like they should bring gifts. So etiquette-wise, we were saying "we don't want to invite you to actually watch the important part, but we'll take your presents and your congrats!"

That was a choice I made because I knew that certain people from CA wouldn't be able to come to Chile (just had a baby, no money, little vacation time, etc) where as others for sure would, and I didn't want to miss out on celebrating with the first group by not having anything in CA or have the second group feel like they were being asked to celebrate our marriage twice/not come and have the second party suck. In the end, with the earthquake, everyone's flights would have been canceled anyway, and it would have been a nightmare, so it worked out for the best.

aerinpegadrak

We did the same thing with our AHR, Emily.  The wedding was strictly immediate family and WP only.  It was in Vegas, where our friends go all the time, and most of them would have made the trip (only a four hour drive, you can day trip it) had they been invited, and we simply couldn't afford to host them all properly in a manner we would have been happy with.  Doing a second, very low-key party was the compromise when we took the chainsaw to the guest list.

Meg, I'm debating making extra Christmas cookies this year and sending them out with the thank you notes.  It delays them even further into early December, but then maybe it looks like I did it for a reason?  Plus, cookies!  No one can be mad when they have cookies, right?  Right?

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_etiquette-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eb3e22ec-fad7-497e-bb7e-3da2956088b9Post:49f4eb0c-a0b6-43d9-af25-fa68cde2f8e9">Re: Etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]. Meg, I'm debating making extra Christmas cookies this year and sending them out with the thank you notes.  It delays them even further into early December, but then maybe it looks like I did it for a reason?  Plus, cookies!  No one can be mad when they have cookies, right?  Right?
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

Hahaha, we sent ours out in July ... a big part of the delay was waiting on pics from the photographer. We ordered them shortly after the wedding (He said they would only take a few weeks) ... and then after x amount of months, my mom was like "Just send them without the pics", So I said "Well, what do I do with 100 wallet sized photos that I can't get a refund on then?". She replies "Well, just mention in the note that you'll be sending a picture and then send them another Thank You when the pics come then". Nope, not happening. Writing <strong>one</strong> round of Thank You's was <strong>enough</strong> of a pain, I'm not writing out a card that says "Hey thanks, etc, etc, etc, we'll be sending a photo soon" and then a few months later "Hey, thank you again, exact same thing I said last time, but look! Here's a picture!".

You might want to make sure those cookies are extra delicious <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

LuluP82

Ugh I have a B-List, technically. Not on purpose, mind you. Because my dad keeps adding ppl to the list (I literally got one today from him, and our RSVP date is Oct. 20th, hello!) But they're his friends, I don't know them, and he's hosting, I'm literally just stuffing envelopes and stamping them.

We also are having 2 weddings (I realize that isn't possible). Where we're from in Latin America, you have to do a civil and a religious. Since we had all this stuff going on that's too much to get into on TK, we did our civil a couple of months ago, and our religious (and party) is next month. And yes, everyone knows.

Oh we also way overinvited. We invited all our Latin American family even though we knew they can't come (we know they won't see it as a gift grab, and wouldve been offended to not have an invite). That really skews our numbers. But if everyone had shown up we wouldve been in major trouble (ie.e not enough seats at dinner). But as you can see from my ticker, we've had a lot of no's, so we're good

SaraAndrew2010

I'm having a gap as well.  I never really thought about it being a big issue before I came to TK.  It's a standard aspect of weddings in my family and FI's family.  Now I do feel sort of guilty about it. But most guests either live close to the reception or are staying in the hotel that is a few blocks for the reception and will either stop home to freshen up or check into the hotel.

MobKaz

I am a MOB who was raised by a VERY etiquette conscious mom.  In addition to being the MOB of a June, 2011, bride, I am attending the NYE wedding of my nephew, who is also my Godson.

Just got his invitation.  The outer envelope is hand written (PRINTED!! no less) WITH the dreaded abbreviations.....AND includes the names of my son, his GF, my daughter, and her fiance....NONE of whom live at home anymore!!  AND.....no liners...one response card with M_____________________________ and that is all....AND.....wait      for       it............................they INCLUDED A REGISTRY CARD!!  Oh the horrors!! 

Guess what??  Still going to the wedding.  Still giving the same gift I had originally planned.  And---keeping my mouth shut about anything and everything.  There are very few dinosaurs left that even know half of that etiquette.....and I include myself amongst them.  Now, I am not implying that every attempt shouldn't  be made to do things properly, politely, and appropriately.  BUT----unless you are being deliberately cruel, tacky, tasteless, or ignorant.....relax a tad.  Sure, for my daughter's wedding we will do many things "by the book" but that is only because I still know what is in the stupid book.  However, we are doing other things quite non-traditionally and I am very excited about it.......zebra print with pink bridal shoes.....feathers in bouquets.....and a MOB that may wear black!

Those who love won't judge....those who will--don't care!

LuluP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_etiquette-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:eb3e22ec-fad7-497e-bb7e-3da2956088b9Post:36edc80d-4bd3-493a-8b99-aabe522dcfbb">Re: Etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a MOB who was raised by a VERY etiquette conscious mom.  In addition to being the MOB of a June, 2011, bride, I am attending the NYE wedding of my nephew, who is also my Godson. Just got his invitation.  The outer envelope is hand written (PRINTED!! no less) WITH the dreaded abbreviations.....AND includes the names of my son, his GF, my daughter, and her fiance....NONE of whom live at home anymore!!  AND.....no liners...one response card with M_____________________________ and that is all....AND.....wait      for       it............................they INCLUDED A REGISTRY CARD!!  Oh the horrors!!  Guess what??  Still going to the wedding.  Still giving the same gift I had originally planned.  And---keeping my mouth shut about anything and everything.  There are very few dinosaurs left that even know half of that etiquette.....and I include myself amongst them.  Now, I am not implying that every attempt shouldn't  be made to do things properly, politely, and appropriately.  BUT----unless you are being deliberately cruel, tacky, tasteless, or ignorant.....relax a tad.  Sure, for my daughter's wedding we will do many things "by the book" but that is only because I still know what is in the stupid book.  However, we are doing other things quite non-traditionally and I am very excited about it.......zebra print with pink bridal shoes.....feathers in bouquets.....and a MOB that may wear black! Those who love won't judge....those who will--don't care!
Posted by mobkaz[/QUOTE]

I do think this is a good point. I do think though that sometimes people do things that are a bit much, like not feeding ppl at meal times bc they spent their budget on an expensive dress or venue.

kimp67

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_etiquette-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:eb3e22ec-fad7-497e-bb7e-3da2956088b9Post:36edc80d-4bd3-493a-8b99-aabe522dcfbb">Re: Etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a MOB who was raised by a VERY etiquette conscious mom.  In addition to being the MOB of a June, 2011, bride, I am attending the NYE wedding of my nephew, who is also my Godson. Just got his invitation.  The outer envelope is hand written (PRINTED!! no less) WITH the dreaded abbreviations.....AND includes the names of my son, his GF, my daughter, and her fiance....NONE of whom live at home anymore!!  AND.....no liners...one response card with M_____________________________ and that is all....AND.....wait      for       it............................they INCLUDED A REGISTRY CARD!!  Oh the horrors!!  Guess what??  Still going to the wedding.  Still giving the same gift I had originally planned.  And---keeping my mouth shut about anything and everything.  There are very few dinosaurs left that even know half of that etiquette.....and I include myself amongst them.  Now, I am not implying that every attempt shouldn't  be made to do things properly, politely, and appropriately.  BUT----unless you are being deliberately cruel, tacky, tasteless, or ignorant.....relax a tad.  Sure, for my daughter's wedding we will do many things "by the book" but that is only because I still know what is in the stupid book.  However, we are doing other things quite non-traditionally and I am very excited about it.......zebra print with pink bridal shoes.....feathers in bouquets.....and a MOB that may wear black! Those who love won't judge....those who will--don't care!
Posted by mobkaz[/QUOTE]

LOVE!!!!!!  this!

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_etiquette-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eb3e22ec-fad7-497e-bb7e-3da2956088b9Post:36edc80d-4bd3-493a-8b99-aabe522dcfbb">Re: Etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]However, we are doing other things quite non-traditionally and I am very excited about it.......zebra print with pink bridal shoes.....feathers in bouquets.....and a MOB that may wear black! Those who love won't judge....those who will--don't care!
Posted by mobkaz[/QUOTE]
The colour of her shoes, what the bouquets are made out of...none of that has anything to do with etiquette.

andamu

I'm not having a gap, which is unusual for a lot of Indian weddings (60+% of our guests will be Indian, as is FI).  A lot of the ladies like to change from one outfit to another.  Actually, FMIL keeps checking with me to make sure I don't want to change clothes/dresses between the ceremony and reception.

Also, it took me 6+ weeks to send out thank-yous from the engagement party.  Don't tell my mother.

Butterfly1462

I had no clue the inner envelopes were supposed to be addressed, but we did print our address and our individual guest's addresses on the RSVP envelopes and of couse put stamps on.  What has surprised me the most is  how many guests that are coming didn't bother to send them back when all they had to do was check yes or no to whether or not attending and write how many were coming, stick it back in the envelope and seal it.  I made it extremely easy for them and about a fourth of them didn't return them even though all but about 10 guests aren't attending.

LuluP82

The more I think about etiquette and weddings, I think there are a couple of rules that are unbreakable, the others I'm okay with people breaking. Basically, anything that's going to really affect your guests' experience (not enough food for the time of day, making guests pay for part of the wedding in any way, tiering your guest list in any way, asking for gifts, asking for specific gifts--like cash, an inexplicable gap, because the B&G want to take photos or something, not because of church rules or religious/cultural customs) is fairly rigid.
 
Otherwise...if I get an invite without an inner envelope or addressed on the computer, or some of the other technically correct etiquette rules, I don't really care. I do think there's some flexibility.