Possibly giving two BMs the boot

tiffandgene

So awhile back one of my bridesmaids and I got in a fight over her stupid "friend with benefits".  She was a little intoxicated and said some hurtful things and told me to consider myself one bm down.  Well since the episode, we have started speaking.  She has apologized to me for the things she said, but the bm issue hasn't been addressed.  I'm not going to re-ask her to be a bm.  She opted out, so I think I should just leave it at that.  I love her to death, but I guarantee she's not happy about me getting married.  She's miserable in her relationship and has crabbed about all of our friends that have been getting married.  She's just jealous of all of us.  So that is my first issue that I need help with.  The second is my FSIL.  My best friend is my matron of honor and I recently asked my FSIL to be my maid of honor and my FI asked her boyfriend to be his best man.  Us four were really close and we wanted them to play an important role in our wedding.  Well a month ago, their dog trampled my 1 year old and busted his lip open.  When I told them they need to put their dog up when we are over, the FSIL went nuts on me and started screaming.  The boy friend chimed in and told me that maybe I should watch my baby better.  Well of course my FI and I were extremely upset and told them to consider themselves out of the wedding.  Well, they came over to our house after that and apologized, but it was hard for us to accept.  We still haven't talked and they haven't tried to make things right since.  It's like they just don't care at all!  They think that their apology should be enough.  Well sorry, when you put your stupid dog over my child, we have a problem.  It's not even the fact that they yelled at me, but they didn't care at all that my baby boy was hurting!  UGH.  So what do I do.  My FI and I don't want them in the wedding, but we know that if we kick them out, it will be a huge family brawl.  His family is nuts and dramatic over everything!  I thought about just letting her be in it, but not having her be the MOH and telling the boyfriend he's out completely.  Does anyone have any advice?  I know this is long....Sorry!

bablingbrooke

Actually vicki I did eventually make it through, and I think it's not as clear as that.  Looks like OP's child was trampled and hurt by her friend's dog, then got yelled at by the friend.

I don't see how this is a wedding issue at ALL.  If your kid got hurt, you have two people to blame: you for not keeping a close enough eye on your toddler, and them for not keeping a close enough eye on the dog.  You both need to settle the issue, rather than jumping to "they must be gone from my wedding!"  Your kid got hurt and that sucks, but he's not been permanently injured.  You have a little boy--he's going to get into lots of trouble and get injured after climbing trees and running and getting into fights.  It happens--he's a boy.  Do you plan to sever ties with everyone who is in the vicinity every time your kid skins his knee?  I didn't think so either.

Yes, an apology should be enough for you.  What more are you expecting?

I don't personally see this as a friendship-ending incident in and of itself, but how you respond to it can make it one.  So cool off and then, when everyone feels less charged, you can have a chat about it.  But please, not everything that happens in your life has to be tied back to the wedding.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_possibly-giving-two-bms-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eba1199f-1d5e-4640-89cd-ff9649d87f36Post:fe81f969-6cd1-4c48-a7f6-1dc999e1d2f0">Possibly giving two BMs the boot</a>:
[QUOTE]So awhile back one of my bridesmaids and I got in a fight over her stupid "friend with benefits".   She was a little intoxicated and said some hurtful things and told me to consider myself one bm down.   Well since the episode, we have started speaking.   She has apologized to me for the things she said, but the bm issue hasn't been addressed.   I'm not going to re-ask her to be a bm.   She opted out, so I think I should just leave it at that.   I love her to death, but I guarantee she's not happy about me getting married.   She's miserable in her relationship and has crabbed about all of our friends that have been getting married.   She's just jealous of all of us.   So that is my first issue that I need help with.   The second is my FSIL.   My best friend is my matron of honor and I recently asked my FSIL to be my maid of honor and my FI asked her boyfriend to be his best man.   Us four were really close and we wanted them to play an important role in our wedding.   Well a month ago, their dog trampled my 1 year old and busted his lip open.   When I told them they need to put their dog up when we are over, the FSIL went nuts on me and started screaming.   The boy friend chimed in and told me that maybe I should watch my baby better.   Well of course my FI and I were extremely upset and told them to consider themselves out of the wedding.   Well, they came over to our house after that and apologized, but it was hard for us to accept.   We still haven't talked and they haven't tried to make things right since.   It's like they just don't care at all!   They think that their apology should be enough.   Well sorry, when you put your stupid dog over my child, we have a problem.   It's not even the fact that they yelled at me, but they didn't care at all that my baby boy was hurting!   UGH.   So what do I do.   My FI and I don't want them in the wedding, but we know that if we kick them out, it will be a huge family brawl.   His family is nuts and dramatic over everything!   I thought about just letting her be in it, but not having her be the MOH and telling the boyfriend he's out completely.   Does anyone have any advice?   I know this is long....Sorry!
Posted by tiffandgene[/QUOTE]

SSaltzman87

First off, there are VERY few instances where booting a BM is okay, neither one of your scenarios come close to making that solution acceptable.

For the first friend you mentioned, you already mentioned that you guys are on the mend about the fight you had- I wouldn't 're-ask' her to be a BM. I would just consider her back in unless she says more about it. I also think it's quite ignorant to say that she's jealous that you and the rest of your friends are getting married, she may just be adjusting to all that change. That has nothing to do with jealousy.

For the second friend. I think you were a little out of line to demand they 'hole up' their dog whenever you and your baby are over. ANY dog regardless of temperment  or size has the capacity to 'trample' a child- even a Chihuahua. The friend should simply keep an eye out for that and keep a closer eye on their dog around kids, but I don't think it warrants you demanding they keep the dog away from your child. That also does NOT warrant you to boot her as a BM either, that's flat out ridiculous and you're acting childish about it. No wonder they're pissed at you!

frogurt814

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_possibly-giving-two-bms-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eba1199f-1d5e-4640-89cd-ff9649d87f36Post:fe81f969-6cd1-4c48-a7f6-1dc999e1d2f0">Possibly giving two BMs the boot</a>:
[QUOTE]So awhile back one of my bridesmaids and I got in a fight over her stupid "friend with benefits".   She was a little intoxicated and said some hurtful things and told me to consider myself one bm down.   Well since the episode, we have started speaking.   She has apologized to me for the things she said, but the bm issue hasn't been addressed.   I'm not going to re-ask her to be a bm.   She opted out, so I think I should just leave it at that.   I love her to death, but I guarantee she's not happy about me getting married.   She's miserable in her relationship and has crabbed about all of our friends that have been getting married.   She's just jealous of all of us.   So that is my first issue that I need help with.   The second is my FSIL.   My best friend is my matron of honor and I recently asked my FSIL to be my maid of honor and my FI asked her boyfriend to be his best man.   Us four were really close and we wanted them to play an important role in our wedding.   Well a month ago, their dog trampled my 1 year old and busted his lip open.   When I told them they need to put their dog up when we are over, the FSIL went nuts on me and started screaming.   The boy friend chimed in and told me that maybe I should watch my baby better.   Well of course my FI and I were extremely upset and told them to consider themselves out of the wedding.   Well, they came over to our house after that and apologized, but it was hard for us to accept.   We still haven't talked and they haven't tried to make things right since.   It's like they just don't care at all!   They think that their apology should be enough.   Well sorry, when you put your stupid dog over my child, we have a problem.   It's not even the fact that they yelled at me, but they didn't care at all that my baby boy was hurting!   UGH.   So what do I do.   My FI and I don't want them in the wedding, but we know that if we kick them out, it will be a huge family brawl.   His family is nuts and dramatic over everything!   I thought about just letting her be in it, but not having her be the MOH and telling the boyfriend he's out completely.   Does anyone have any advice?   I know this is long....Sorry!
Posted by tiffandgene[/QUOTE]

CN: one BM dropped out after argument with OP. OP and BM are now friends again but OP does not want to re-ask BM.

OP asked her FSIL to be MOH along with OP's BFF.  OP's FI asked FSIL's (which I guess would be his sister) BF to be his BM.  FSIL's dog got excited and knocked over OP's 1 year old son.  OP asked FSIL to put dog away when they came over. FSIL freaked out.  OP kicked them both out of the wedding. FSIL and BF came over and apologized, but OP doesn't think that's good enough and does not want them to be in wedding.

OP thinks maybe she can demote FSIL back down to BM instead of MOH and kick FSIL's BF out all together.

bablingbrooke

WIth regard to the other BM, just keep the door open for her to come back to the wedding.  

Honestly, when you have issues with two different BMs for two different reasons, you need to have a good long look at yourself because this is 1) not normal and 2) not appropriate.  If you had a problem with one or the other, I might give you the benefit of the doubt.  But two?  Sweetie you need to chill out and be a friend again--when your BMs are dropping like flies, you're doing it wrong.

tiffandgene

I don't think that any of you realize how his sister and her boyfriend treated us.  How would you like it if someone's dog busted your child's lip open and they didn't care at all!!!!!!  I think every one of you would be extremely upset by them.  I'm the one that got yelled at for their dog hurting my baby!  You think I'm wrong for telling them to put their dog up??  It's a dog!  He can go in the full basement and still be fine.  What happens with the dog bties my kid.  Will you be saying that you don't think it's right for the dog to go up then?  I guess I should put my baby on a leash and let the mut run free.  Saying that a it's okay for a dog to trample my child is ridiculous. I think a lot of you girls have no idea what you are talking about.  i am a very good friend.  I'm the one that is being betrayed by my friends and all of you are backing them.  i think most of you need to rethink some of your comments. 

DNAtime

I think this isn't a wedding related issue. 
Their dog ran over your kid. I, personally think that they need to keep a hold of the dog in the future.  She apologized, get over it.  Unless your child was severely injured I think you are over reacting.
Once I took my dog to a dog park, another dog tried to attack my dog through my leg. My leg was bleeding and badly bruised. When the other owner recovered their dog they simply looked at me and said: "Does your dog alwasy bark this much?"
My point is people don't always care that their dog is hurting or upsetting others, they don't get it. 
But again, this has nothing to do with the wedding, and I think escalating this altercation to WP related issues isn't appropriate.

frogurt814

Don't visit them at their house if you want them to put their dog away and they refuse.  I'm not saying either of you is right or wrong, but if they don't want to put their dog in another room when you visit then you need to stop visiting them at their house.

vicki0508

eh, I stand by my original post.

OP, you really are taking things out of proportion.  It's not like every time you go their house the dog goes nuts and attacks the baby.  It was an accident that happened once.  Was your baby getting the dog all excited?  Accidents happen.

And I think you need to have a talk with the BM who voluntarily quit.  You said she apologized and you are friends again, but haven't addressed whether she is a BM or not.  Either she is or she isn't, she needs to know where you stand.

zitiqueen

Notepad, people. Copy and paste into Notepad, then cut and paste it here!

*sheesh*

NatandIsaac

When you are guest in someone else's home, you need to watch your baby. If you are unable to do so, then do not visit their home. 

lalap69

Thanks for the CN Frogurt.

Two issues:
1) They apologized.  What else can they do at this point?
2) FSIL's BF is FI's BM.  How in the world do you think that you get to kick someone out of your FI's side of the WP?  NO.  That's his call.

I get that as a parent you're very protective of your children but I think you're handling this completely wrong.  This is not about your wedding - so don't make it about your wedding.  This involves family.  Deal with it from that relationship standpoint.  You need to work this out.

But seriously, they APOLOGIZED

I'd like to see your answers to malphabet's questions.

marinabreeze

PPs have good advice, OP.  You really need to chill out.

I have nothing to add to the first issue.

The second issue.  I agree with most posters (except for DNAtime)...there is a HUGE difference between a dog getting excited and accidentally trampling your kid, and an act of aggression like biting.  I think you're being really melodramatic here.  You have a baby boy...babies, especially boys, get bumps and bruises all the time.  While it's understandable to care about your kid's well-being, split lips will probably be the least of your issues, and if you and FI are freaking out enough about this to disinvite your FSIL from the wedding, I'd hate to see how you would act when it comes to a real issue with your kid.

I do think it's a matter of being considerate to put the dog away if you expressed that he makes you uncomfortable.  I have a dog myself, and I put my dog up if I have guests that are uncomfortable with him.  That said, it's not really your place to demand that she put him away in her home.  You have the right to allow your kid to run anywhere he wants to in your home, but FSIL's home is not your home, and so you don't get to demand what she will allow in her home.  And if you were worried about the kid being hurt by the dog, it was your responsibility to watch your kid and not put him on the floor where he could be stepped on by the dog accidentally.  And if you did not like the way she handled the situation, you could have politely left like PPs have suggested.

If FSIL and her BF apologized, you really need to let it go.  Firstly, you were not completely innocent in the situation.  Also, you will most likely have to deal with your in-laws after the wedding is over, and one day is not worth a lifetime of drama with your in-laws.  It really isn't.

AutumnFair

I will say the we have a Boxer who is scared when around little kids so we usually do put her in my room so she doesn't accidently bite them if they come to her (this is just for strangers, she has no problems with little kids that are family and have been around her outside).

But this is a totally different situation, the dog walked on the child. It wasn't frighten or threatening, it just accidently walked on the child. Once again, not the dogs nor owners fault. The child should have been better supervised by you and you should have been aware that anything can happen when a child is left unattended crawling on the ground. Your child could have easily gotten hurt by something else like a end of a table or pulled something off and hit itself with. Would you then tell your FSIL to take the tables away and put all things the child could pull off somewhere else? No, you are at HER house and should expect to watch your child to make sure it does not get hurt. They even apologize for the fight you had, the only person I see being the bigger person is the FSIL, you and your FI are overreacting and need to stop harboring resentment over this issue that was an ACCIDENT in the first place.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_possibly-giving-two-bms-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eba1199f-1d5e-4640-89cd-ff9649d87f36Post:dd54096b-59bc-473a-8b3f-e081f73ef265">Re: Possibly giving two BMs the boot</a>:
[QUOTE]What about the kid tormenting the dog? Pulling a tail, etc? Anyone who asks me to put my cats and dog away is told, "They live here. You don't."
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Does anyone actually ASK you that?

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_possibly-giving-two-bms-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eba1199f-1d5e-4640-89cd-ff9649d87f36Post:49d94f69-4b78-441b-8484-4d4b3c73fcfd">Re: Possibly giving two BMs the boot</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Possibly giving two BMs the boot : Does anyone actually ASK you that?
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]
We put the cat away if people ask us to due to allergies.  I don't think it does much good since the cat lives there and her dander is all over the place, but we try to accommodate.  

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_possibly-giving-two-bms-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eba1199f-1d5e-4640-89cd-ff9649d87f36Post:87c0d482-358d-4dc9-8e8e-f6a6b61b741d">Re: Possibly giving two BMs the boot</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Possibly giving two BMs the boot : We put the cat away if people ask us to due to allergies.  I don't think it does much good since the cat lives there and her dander is all over the place, but we try to accommodate.  
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

I guess that makes sense. For any other reason, though, I think I'd give someone the major side eye.