Bridesmaid who is Best Friends with FI

brub428

My FI and I both have opposite sex best friends.  My best friend is a man who I have known since I was 2 years old who has in the last 4 years came out to me as a gay man.  When my FI and I got engaged he automatically knew he was going to be part of the wedding.  He asked to be on the grooms side instead of my side to get away from the cliche gay best friend stereotype.  My FI has a female best friend who he has known for maybe 10 years.  She recently got married and he was a member of the wedding party standing on her side.  However, my FI and I decided that she would stand on my side at our wedding since my male friend is standing on his.  We have been engaged since December 2008 and have made the decision about this since then.  Since December she has made numerous comments about her desire to stand up on the FI side.  I take offense to this desire since we have already tackled this issue.  I recently wrote her an email about her comments and my desire for her to keep them to herself when I am around since I have become super sensitive to her negativity about our wedding and her role in such.  She called immediately to my FI and complained that I was mean in my email.  What should I do to remedy this situation before we get married?

bablingbrooke

Well, you were mean in your email.  I don't get why you're taking offense to your FI's friend wanting to stand on your FI's side.  Yes, it's out of line for her to say anything, but you didn't help the situation.  I wouldn't want to stand up next to anyone who sent me an email like that either.

Just let her stand up on his side.  What's the big deal in moving her to the place where she feels more comfortable?

trix1223

You honored YOUR friend's request for where HE could stand, but your won't honor your FI's friend's request for where SHE could stand?

Do you see a double standard here?  And the sexuality of the PIQs have nothing to do with the issue.

If your bff gets to stand where he wants, his bff gets to stand where she wants.

justthegrlss

I personally think that it is an honor to be asked to stand up for someone at their wedding and she should just be appreciative of that. My best friend of 8 years is a man and he is actually not standing up for me at my wedding because we only incorporated family members since both of our families are huge, that was our choice.  If this is a decision that the two of you made together then she should respect that.  Maybe your FI should just tell her something, in a nice way,  like you are very honored that she accepted to be in your wedding, however, this is just your decision as a couple and leave it at that. 

brub428

She had no problem with it in the beginning.  My friend lives out of the state and the FI only have been around him a handful of times.  She on the otherhand is around almost every weekend.  I cherish her as a close friend.  She is telling strangers that she would prefer to be on his side. 

We did ask her in the beginning (before she was even engaged or married) if she wanted to be on his side and she said no.  Now since she had her wedding and had FI on her side she all of a sudden wants to jump ship.

emilyinchile

I think you handled this poorly, and I agree with trix's point about letting your friend choose but not his, but I also don't think it's her call where she stands. In my mind, you asked her to be a BM - her options are to say yes or no, not to say that she'd rather be a GM.

Talk to your FI. It's his friend - what does HE want? Uneven numbers or genders are just fine. Have him decide and then talk to her to figure all this out. I think an e-mail from you saying "sorry if I came across rudely in my last e-mail, I think I was having a moment of wedding-stress and didn't mean to hurt your feelings" wouldn't be a bad idea either since this girl's clearly going to be around for a while if she means so much to your FI.

ETA: Just saw that you also consider her a close friend. In that case, I don't think you were wrong to be the one to get in touch, but over e-mail probably wasn't the best choice since it leaves too much up to the other person's interpretation. Have FI talk to her in person or over the phone.

bablingbrooke

She doesn't want to "jump ship," she wants to switch sides.  What is the big deal if she does?  And please don't say "it will make the sides uneven" because that's not worth a fight.

If she really changed her mind, see if there's something that happened that made her feel less close to you and therefore not want to stand up with you.

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-friends-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ec2bbe25-ef19-4d05-8f0a-4e36dc680fe8Post:a088e5b1-48cc-4437-b3a8-238caaa85601">Bridesmaid who is Best Friends with FI</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I both have opposite sex best friends.  My best friend is a man who I have known since I was 2 years old who has in the last 4 years came out to me as a gay man.  When my FI and I got engaged he automatically knew he was going to be part of the wedding.  He asked to be on the grooms side instead of my side to get away from the cliche gay best friend stereotype.  My FI has a female best friend who he has known for maybe 10 years.  She recently got married and he was a member of the wedding party standing on her side.  However, my FI and I decided that she would stand on my side at our wedding since my male friend is standing on his.  We have been engaged since December 2008 and have made the decision about this since then.  Since December she has made numerous comments about her desire to stand up on the FI side.  I take offense to this desire since we have already tackled this issue.  I recently wrote her an email about her comments and my desire for her to keep them to herself when I am around since I have become super sensitive to her negativity about our wedding and her role in such.  She called immediately to my FI and complained that I was mean in my email.  What should I do to remedy this situation before we get married?
Posted by brub428[/QUOTE]

<div>This is ridic. What cliche? Who cares? If he's your friend, he should stand on your side, and if she's his friend, she should stand on his side. Are you doing this also because you don't want to have a guy on your side and vise versa? Again, ridic. And stupid that you wrote her a mean email. To remedy, I'd let them stand on the side of the person their friends with and also apologize for your crazy blip moment.</div>

bablingbrooke

I also think that this comes across to her as asking her where she wanted to stand, taking her choice into account, she changed her mind and now you're saying "no takebacks."  If you let her choose in the first place, you should also let her change her mind.

SarahPLiz

I don't think she was being negative towards your marriage, but expressing that she would rather stay on his side. Way to go alienating yourself further from her!!!

Uneven sides are fine, as are mixed-gender sides. If your friend asked to be a GM, then he got his preference. She is asking to be on the groom's side too. Why, if you gave your friend his choice, would you begrudge her the same courtesy? That's just mean-spirited.

brub428

My thoughts that she is standing up the for the couple not one friend.  I did let her choose in the beginning and no takebacks is correct. 

She is having an issue with the BM dresses too.  Telling me that they are too high $200)  priced and becasue of the price of the dress she will not come to the bachelorette party to save money.  She doesn't understand that even if she would stand on FI side that she would still have to wear that dress. 

I don't care if the sides are uneven but I do care that in the past 10 months she didn't have a problem with it until we are getting closer to the event.

If she considers FI her best friend she should have asked him rather than making rather off the cuff comments at get togethers in front of people who are not close friends and strangers.  Or...since we are friends as well, she should have come to us privately. 

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-friends-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ec2bbe25-ef19-4d05-8f0a-4e36dc680fe8Post:4ee80de4-3aac-40ca-9a92-ceb1912e7eab">Re: Bridesmaid who is Best Friends with FI</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't care if the sides are uneven but I do care that in the past 10 months she didn't have a problem with it until we are getting closer to the event. If she considers FI her best friend she should have asked him rather than making rather off the cuff comments at get togethers in front of people who are not close friends and strangers.  Or...since we are friends as well, she should have come to us privately. 
Posted by brub428[/QUOTE]

This I agree with. That was crappy of her not to talk to you guys directly.

[QUOTE]My thoughts that she is standing up the for the couple not one friend.  I did let her choose in the beginning and no takebacks is correct.  She is having an issue with the BM dresses too.  Telling me that they are too high $200)  priced and becasue of the price of the dress she will not come to the bachelorette party to save money.  She doesn't understand that even if she would stand on FI side that she would still have to wear that dress.
Posted by brub428[/QUOTE]

This I do not agree with. Did you ask her (and all the BMs') budget first? Yes, BMs have to buy the dress, but you need to do them the courtesy of sticking to their budgets (not what you think she can spend because she makes a lot of money or goes out to eat all the time or whatever). If you didn't do this, and her budget it less than that, you should either pick a new dress, help her find it for less (secondhand on ebay?) or pay the difference.

Your bach party is not a requirement for the BMs either. They don't have to throw it or attend it, it's a tradition not a law. So if she just didn't feel like coming that would be fine, and if she has money problems with participating in it that's even more justifiable.

gottahavashorti

Just let her switch sides, she's still in the wedding so it's not that big of a deal.  $200 is a lot for a BM dress and parties aren't obligatory.

bablingbrooke

This is one of those instances where you have to ask yourself: "If I get my way, will it have been worth it?"

Your friend, for whatever reason, does not want to stand up next to you.  You can put your foot down, tell her it's "been decided" (whatever that means) and make her stand up next to you.  But then you'll have someone on your side who doesn't want to be there, and it will show.  You will also further alienate her, which will last long after the wedding.  And you say that she's standing up for the couple, so what difference to you should it make which side of the couple she's standing on?

DH and I had a One Day Rule when we were planning our wedding.  If something wasn't going to make a difference One Day after the wedding, it wasn't worth a fight and we'd give in to whatever it was.  This is one thing that will not make a difference One Day after the wedding.  I suggest you follow that.  We have no regrets following that rule.

[Deleted User]

Well, first of all the dresses are priced pretty high and you should have asked her budget beforehand. But, that's the only thing I disagree with on your post.

If she agreed to stand on your side in the beginning and was fine with it for awhile, and is now changing her mind, then she needs to suck it up. She made a commitment and needs to honor it. You said you consider her a close friend, does she feel the same way? If so, it's kind of an insult to you, basically saying she doesn't want to stand for you anymore and how much would that suck to know on your wedding day that someone in your WP didn't give a damn about you. The fact that she went running to your FI after your email also makes me a little suspicious.

Then again, I'm always suspicious of female best friends for men, married or not (seen one too many female friends try to take a man away from his SO). Her sudden need to change sides, then bitch to your FI instead of talking to you is weird to me. Plus, since she is badmouthing you to strangers that screams jealousy to me. Again, I am always very suspicious in nature, but this chick doesn't seem right to me.

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-friends-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ec2bbe25-ef19-4d05-8f0a-4e36dc680fe8Post:c0b4a54b-45da-4917-8806-b72530ed3f95">Re: Bridesmaid who is Best Friends with FI</a>:
[QUOTE]You honored YOUR friend's request for where HE could stand, but your won't honor your FI's friend's request for where SHE could stand? Do you see a double standard here?  And the sexuality of the PIQs have nothing to do with the issue. If your bff gets to stand where he wants, his bff gets to stand where she wants.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

Ditto this.

And she had every right to tell your FI you were mean, because no matter how "nicely" you told her to keep her comments to herself, there's no "nice" way to say that you were thought honoring <strong>your</strong> friend's feelings was way more important than honoring <strong>his</strong> friend's feelings (Which is what you told her no matter how you word it).

You want a "remedy": apologize to her and admit that you and your FI were extremely inconsiderate to her feelings. See if she'd still be interested in standing on your FI's side (Again, you honored your friend's feelings, you should honor her's as well).

megk8oz

Also, when I got married, DH had a sister and I had a brother that we both wanted to be in the BP. However, DH is not incredibly close with my brother, and at the time, I hadn't quite "bonded" with his sister, so we knew that they might think it was weird to be on the "gender specific" sides.

When we approached them on the subject (Separately), we both laid it out and said "Listen, we really want to to be in our BP, but we know that you're not really close to Meg/Meg's FI ... so we want you to know that if you want to stand on my side instead, that's totally cool". And we seriously meant that. Aside from them, I had 2 girls on my side, and he had 2 guys on his. So depending on what decision they both made, this could have resulted in in mixed sides, or (gasp!) uneven sides. We really didn't care. Our wedding was about our 2 families coming together, and it meant the world to us to "start on the right foot" with everybody being joined.

They wound up each deciding to stand on the more "traditional" side, but they made that decision completely on their own, and they knew that if at any moment they changed their minds and wanted to "switch" we'd be fine with that as well.

Had both of them picked his side or my side, we wouldn't have dreamed of convincing one of them to switch or telling one of them that they couldn't stand there.

duckie1905

The only negativity in your wedding is coming from your aversion to flexibility when it comes to your FI's friend.

Let her stand wherever she wants.

And yes, in my book, 200 is a lot to spend on a BM dress (and I'm sure that doesnt' include alterations).

This "no takebacks" crap makes you sound like you're a 2 year old.  Is all this drama you are causing really worth it especially considering your FI will suffer more than you if you ruin the relationship.

mm45737

i'm gonna have to side w/ op on this one. i like even sides and i don't like mixed genders, so i'd probably want her on my side too. just personal preference. and if she's such a "close" friend, why is she now wanting to stand on your fi's side and not ok w/ standing by you? i'd be a little bothered by this too. good luck, hope it all works out. 

banana468

You can like even sides - but there's no reason to force them.

cwilt

Quote:" Personally, I would be upset too, if I was asked to supposedly stand up and support my best friend in one of the most important decisions in his life, but then told that I'd really be standing in a position of support for the bride instead, just because I'm female. "
But she already said that she gave her a choice at the beginning, and she chose the other way.
I think it sounds like a frustrating situtation. I know weddings can be really stressful already, and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.