Regretting I "committed" to a BM

aras8609

So, I got overly excited when I told my friends I was getting married and spontaneously asked a friend I used to work with to be a bridesmaid.  I already regret this decision since our wedding is over a year away and I don't even know if we'll stay friends now that I've moved over 2hrs away to go to grad school and she's still in DC at a law firm.. sh*t.. how do I renege this?  I still wanna be friends with her but I'm starting to think that it's gonna be a long time until the wedding, the wedding's far from where she (and I) used to work in DC (I'm getting married in my hometown in central PA).  Annndd she's going to be an attorney so she'll be busy.. and I just don't feel the most comfortable with her in my wedding party at this point.. so I dunno.. Just a word of advice to those who have long engagements--WAIT to ask ppl to be in your wedding party.. I wish I did.  Gimme advice or what you did if you were in this situation, PLEASEEE.

bablingbrooke

Deal with it.  She isn't obligated to plan you parties or attend fittings or any of the other BM crap magazines tell you that BMs "have" to do.

trix1223

You behave like a grown up and live with the consequences of your decision.  Which means that she will be a bridesmaid in your wedding.

And it's not all that hard to be a bridesmaid.  If she can show up for the wedding, wear the attire, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during the ceremony, and smile for the pictures, then she's been a bridesmaid.

Doesn't matter where she lives, what her job is,  where you're going to grad school, or any of the other "excuses" you've given for potentially kicking her out.

GL

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_regretting-committed-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eef82c2c-3adc-4efd-b219-e5df0aa086d3Post:bdb4c43a-4232-4556-a38e-045ac50dbb5a">Regretting I "committed" to a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I got overly excited when I told my friends I was getting married and spontaneously asked a friend I used to work with to be a bridesmaid.  I already regret this decision since our wedding is over a year away and I don't even know if we'll stay friends now that I've moved over 2hrs away to go to grad school and she's still in DC at a law firm.. sh*t.. how do I renege this?  I still wanna be friends with her but I'm starting to think that it's gonna be a long time until the wedding, the wedding's far from where she (and I) used to work in DC (I'm getting married in my hometown in central PA).  Annndd she's going to be an attorney so she'll be busy.. and I just don't feel the most comfortable with her in my wedding party at this point.. so I dunno.. Just a word of advice to those who have long engagements--WAIT to ask ppl to be in your wedding party.. I wish I did.  Gimme advice or what you did if you were in this situation, PLEASEEE.
Posted by aras8609[/QUOTE]

mbcdefg

Ditto PPs ... there's nothing you can do if you still want to be her friend. Kicking her out would be wrong and would make her hate you.

Her business has nothing to do with her being your bridesmaid. If she gets the dress and shows up, she's done her job. She'll come to you if she wants to help out, otherwise, just plan things yourself (or with whoever else volunteers). In the meantime, it might be wise to try to strengthen the friendship (i.e., completely non-wedding-related things) so that you feel better about having her as a bridesmaid.

You don't even need to involve her in wedding until it's time to select dresses, which is maybe 6-8 months out. If you truly feel that the friendship has fizzled, then after  your wedding just let it fade out naturally. And if she feels the same way, hey, maybe she'll drop out on her own. Otherwise, do not boot her.

Lesson learned, don't ask someone so far in advance. Hopefully other girls here with long engagements will listen to your good advice.

fireytiger

Almost all of my bridesmaids (and my FI's groomsmen, for that matter) are in places all over the country, one of them is halfway across the country. If your having moved is now an inconvenience for her (she's so busy, tired, may not be able to make it, etc), then she needs to decide that for herself and choose to step down. You CANNOT make that decision for her! I just dealt with a friend ditching me as a bridesmaid, and I can tell you that NOTHING can fix that situation if you tell her not to be in your wedding, even if it's seemingly with her best interests in mind. It's horribly tacky at absolute best, and is usually an unforgivable, friendship-ending move.

When you ask someone to be in your wedding, as a bridesmaid, groomsman (for the guys), etc., you should consider that to be very special, like a thoughtful gift in a way. It is an honor to stand up for someone, as a friend, sibling, or otherwise. It is an expression showing that they are so close and special to you, that you can't imagine your special day without them being closely involved in that day. If you turn around and say "yeah never mind", it doesn't matter what the reason is, it is a horrible slap in the face.

[Deleted User]

Funny thing-- I did somewhat the same thing. And the blunt words of bablingbrooke and trix actually did me some good. (Thanks ladies!) If you've made a rush decision for your bridal party, you've still engraved it in stone. I agree that you should strengthen your friendship... my issue was that I was worried the girl I asked to be a bridesmaid would be "unreliable" because she usually is. But I knew that before I asked her. And I asked her anyway. But ya know, I invited her over to my house the other day and we had a really nice day together and I've gotten to know some more of the stresses in her life that create, so to speak, her inability to be at EVERYTHING all the time. And now I understand that, and I realize that she may not be at my luncheon, favor parties, showers or whatever, because she simply can't. And I'm okay with that.

Don't let it bother you. YOU need to keep up the friendship though, for your own sake if you're worried about it. It will make you more comfortable to know that you talk to her often, and maybe invite her to visit or you go visit her sometimes. Even once between now and then will make a big difference. Just some thoughts.

bablingbrooke

 I'm really glad you found the advice helpful and that the friendship has gotten even better.  I hope it continues to go well for you!

trix1223

BDoug:  Thanks for the shout-out.  I'm really glad that our advice helped and your friendship is on an upswing.  Good for you!

emilyinchile

BDoug, that's really great to hear that taking the advice given here actually improved your friendship!

OP, think of it this way: will it affect your life more negatively to have someone with you on your wedding day who may not be a super close friend by then, but who probably was a good friend at one point if you asked her in the first place, or to completely ruin a friendship with someone over something silly, possible affecting other relationships when people hear about it and decide that they disagree with your actions? I'm going to go with column B. Read this post (that's a link) to see how hurt someone was by being kicked out.

Besides, with your wedding so far away, you're right that your friendship with this girl could change - for better OR for worse. Rather than scheming ways to kick her out, why not spend that time making the effort to stay close and make the friendship better like BDoug?